AIBU to think that most people don't feel comfortable in wealthy surrounds

[OhYesToYestyn]

and to wonder what exactly is the reason? In the UK, I mainly mean top end London shops and commercial art galleries where it all reeks of wealth.

For example, I love fashion and jewellery design, but if I want to go and look at /touch the garments, I always go to a department store with open plan access, not a boutique. Even in that case, I feel somewhat inadequate and a even a failure for not being able to afford it, though it's irrational as the minority who can afford it have often not made the money themselves (wealthy parents/husbands) and some got it through being ruthless or some other questionable means. I don't often like rich people in the public eye, though obviously there are exceptions.

So why do I feel that physical pressure/stress and even feel inadequate while rationally I shouldn't? I'm talking of people on middle income btw, not very low income.

Shouldn't we all be able to go into any shop and feel relaxed and enjoy the view, and ask for service just to browse? I wonder if others feel absolutely fine and unpressured? Just can't put my finger on the reasons why the discomfort.

wacey, yes it's a good known quote, but I think for someone in her position it was achieved more easily?

I don't feel uncomfortable. I'm told I speak well, and I (usually) have nice manners, and I believe everyone is equal. That means that nobody is better than me, but also that nobody is worth less.

I don't go to places that make me feel uncomfortable and I don't enjoy browsing shops without enough money to potentially buy something but yes I do know what you mean and I think everyone feels that way occasionally. A lot of it is down to how you feel but some of it is indeed the way you're treated.

nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent" and it was Eleanor Roosevelt

Sort of true, but someties you do have to put your foot down. Earlier this year was a special birthday for me, my dh saved up and took me to the Shard in London for the night. He booked the most expensive corner room with the best panoramic views of the best parts of London. We went up to the cocktail bar for drinks in the evening, we were told you couldn't book, it was just turn up and wait to get seated. Well we got seated at a shitty table with no view, we sat and enjoyed our (very expensive) cocktails whilst I noticed the best tables becoming available I asked if we could sit at one we were told they were reserved and they would move us when they could. We sat and watched one too many obviously very wealthy couple get seated at the best tables. I asked to speak to the manager and was pretty close to making a scene, soon enough one of the reserved tables became available for us.

What a great treat, alley! And well done on making your point.

It's just a matter of getting used to it, really. If you think you're out of place, then you'll look it. If you assume that you're perfectly entitled to browse, or buy, then you'll feel more comfortable.

I remember spending £hundreds in a clothes shop in Stratford ('Gemini' if anyone's interested - horribly pretentious shop) when I was quite young and could finance it through savings, but not really afford it at the time. They pulled a real coup on me, even going to the extend of fetching a pair of shoes "to match my outfit(s)" from their sister company 50 yards away and hassling me every two minutes or less in the changing room. It was a miserable experience. The pressure selling was utterly ridiculous. I visited again a couple of years ago and was accosted by at least 3 different assistants trying to help whilst simply flicking through the rails. A simple "no, I'm fine thank you" just didn't filter through to them. It was painful - I could have spent thousands if I'd chosen to, but they put me off by - quite frankly - desperately hassling me. Such a turn off. When I took a suit back to be altered they made a complete balls-up of it - the hem was so uneven I think the machinist must have drowned in a VAT of the red stuff.

*extent

I hate going into high end designer clothes shops too. It's not a question of money, it's just the atmosphere and the level of service pushiness

I feel very comfortable in places like this. Not because I have spent a lot of time in them for personal life but because I have worked in them.

I worked in Harvey Nichols restaurant for years. I noticed the people who had real money were the ones who you wouldn't have guessed to look at them or speak to them.

The people all decked out in thousands in jewellery and designer clothes feel insecure and/or can only just afford it. They dress as they do to make themselves feel like they fit in.

I still go into the restaurant and bar to catch up with friends. I can wonder through Harvey Nichols and pass time waiting for someone to finish work and feel comfortable even though I don't shop there that much. I do it wear jeans, trainers and a hoodie. No one makes me feel bad. But I wonder if that's because I do feel comfortable there, so even if people are thinking negative things I just don't notice.

I have a friend who comes from a very rich family. They own a stud farm, huge estate etc.

At parties the family are dressed like everyone else. The only one parading around in designer gear is my friends girlfriend. She is very sweet but very insecure about the fact that her family are not incredibly rich. They are well off, but not like her boyfriends family.

She has admitted to me that she has emptied her bank account to pay for things because she feels so self conscious. She hasn't got into debt so really she can afford it. His family don't give a shit what she wears. I have known them many years and they don't judge anyone on what they can or can't afford.

My point is that a lot of people don't feel comfortable in certain settings and it's more about their personal feelings not what other people think.

I've never felt uncomfortable in 'high-end' places even though I'm not well off, I'm polite and friendly and have never felt out of place.

My sister, on the other hand, frequently feels inferior, she has had the same upbringing and has a very similar income to me. I think it comes down to personality.

I'd feel uncomfortable in a 'personal service' boutique if I wasn't buying. On the other hand, i used to love walking round Liberty and Selfridges looking at the Bottega Veneta and Hermes accessories. It's about respecting people's time and not wasting it.

Oh also I have use the personal shopper service in selfridges. It's free as long as you buy something.

I do it for events I have to go to. Even though I usually know what dress I want. I do it because they help pick shoes to match etc and because of the dress looks shit, they know what you have in that's similar.

I once did it, and got brought some shoes that were £900, I laughed and said I couldn't buy them because they cost twice as much as my mortgage.

They woman said 'ah well try them on!' Not because she thought I was going to buy them but just for fun.

I once saw a Gucci dress is Harvey Nichols that Keira knightly wore at a premier. The staff came over and chatted to me. She offered to let me try it on, I told her no way could I afford it and she said 'no reason you can't try it on for fun though'.

I did, she took a photo and I went on my way.

No one shunned me because I said no and admitted I couldn't afford it.

So I do think people put the pressure on themselves to fit in.

To me, good service is about making everyone feel welcome who is there as a (potential) paying customer. Therefore I have no problem unless the service is snotty (was once asked to take my jacket off back of chair in restaurant - v. annoying) or too in your face.

Did this question arise (and it is a good question) after you watched the ITV programme on Aspreys OP?

www.asprey.com/stores/region/uk

Because I'm a confident person generally, but wouldn't go in there ... Which is interesting.

It is your issue and yours alone, the staff in these places proberbly earn less than you, they work at these places as they look good on their cv , people with money ( and I earn mine myself before I married thanks not my parents or rich husband ) truest don't give a monkeys if you have cash or not, anyone entering their shop or gallery or resturant is welcome if they are friendly and polite,
Honestly nobody cares

ResRosie, no haven't seen it - why did it put you off that much? Been to Asprey'[s years ago but it was before the revamp, it was a mix in there really, not all is eye wateringly expensive. But yes, those kind of places.

Floppy. yes! though sometimes it's the false niceness that's not very peasant. I'm confident enough to say I'm happy browsing thoughm if I feel the assistant isn't genuinely nice. If they aer, I'm happy to admit that I'm just looking today (a white lie re 'today') but if they are nice they
ll leave you be. It's not just when dealing with staff though, I do think it's the arrogance of customers which you can do nothing about (not to you personally) just that arrogant air when they don't look at others and behae like they are the only person in the room.

well done, alley - hope you could feel relaxed after that.
Will respond to more posts later.

I think yabu.

What is the point in going in any shop unless you were intending to buy something? I'd never buy ridiculously expensive designer shite but if I wanted to desperately I could buy something. But a grand for a handbag I mean WHY???? However much money you have.

I cannot think of an example of when I've felt this ever.

I love Posh surroundings. Very comfortable in nice hotels, theatres and airport lounges. But not at all comfortable in houses messier or scruffier than mine. Which is fine as mine is pretty messy and scruffy so there aren't many!!

I dont really like 5 star hotels, seem like a waste of money and cant be doing with people faffing about around me. I just asked my DW if she feels uncomfortable in 5 star hotels. Her answer:

"No I feel at home and so do our children!"

That's me told then!

Where people draw their personal line for this feeling is very personal. I have been out with people who don't want to go where i want to go out for dinner as a treat, because the extra touches which I find nice to look at and elegant and comfortable make them feel as if they are out of place and uncomfortable. How you offer things around (not necessarily in a restaurant but in some homes) is personal - I find the more formal and attentive the manners the more comfortable I feel - others feel "everyone pile in" is more relaxed and comfortable (I don't because I find I am miles away from the gravy or something and don't know how to get it because I can't believe it is sat in front of someone who has filled his plate and tucked in without passing anything around and asking for it seems impossible as it will draw attention to his rudeness)

The thing to remember about high end hotels, restaurants and shops in London is that the vast majority of the money being spent does not belong to the people spending it. Much of it is outright stolen. laundered or expense account.

Money that is flash and on show is not real money.

I don't have any issues at all about browsing in high end shops or hanging about in 5 hotels if* they are to my taste. They aren't all to my taste by a long, long way, however! Consumer goods and services designed for rich people are highly segmented. If you don't feel comfortable, it may be that you aren't in the right place.

I'm at a loss to understand your problem op. I'd love to have time to waste wandering around shops looking at stuff I can't afford to buy and getting chippy about it.

I'm pretty low key appearance wise but have never been made to feel out of place anywhere, including Aspreys, where I have gone to buy the odd gift for DHs work people when they have retired or been honoured in some way. Not massively expensive things, perhaps a small piece of silver or crystal.