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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think how I give birth is not DH's choice?

288 replies

AliceScarlett · 10/12/2015 19:36

Slightly redundant post as we are only TTC ATM, but we ended up discussing the birth (if that happens).
Anyway, I said I would seriously look into a ELCS, DH looked like someone had stolen his last fucking rolo and said "Oh you can't do that, it would ruin things, we won't get the lovely birth experience. It's not how people imagine it". I said um, what? It's my body my choice. He agreed, but looked so sad.

2min later I said "I think rates of PND increase when people think they have not managed to have a 'proper' birth" (I have no idea if this is true, my bad). Then he said "well why don't you not have a cesarean to make sure that doesn't happen then"!!!!Shock I ripped him a new one, and asked him why I should go through a VB when it is not what I think is right for me. He apologised, but he's made it painfully clear that if I have a ELCS he will be disappointed and "robbed" of "his" birth.

I've suffered sexual abuse in the past and a sure fire way to fuck up my mental health is to experience pain in my fanjo. I know what is best for me, but I now have this ridiculous idea that I'll be weak and upset DH.

Sorry for pointless thread, we may not even concieve but this is kind of putting me off the whole thing.

OP posts:
hefzi · 10/12/2015 20:32

Sheba a woman dies every two minutes in childbirth across the world - it's still regularly killing women in the developing world.

That aside, the only person who should get a say in what they would like to happen (because we all know that reality sometimes pans out differently) is the pregnant woman - it doesn't matter why OP wants an ELCS, actually (which is not at all to minimise her experiences): her body, her choice.

Original poster
AliceScarlett · 10/12/2015 20:32

Good news witsender, good news.

OP posts:
Cloppysow · 10/12/2015 20:33

I know. The point i was trying to make is that these aren't red flags. He's being ignorant, but what else could he be unless he's watched someone give birth. His ideas are romanticised.

Op is absolutely within her rights to call the shots. Absolutely, i do not disagree.

He is within his rights to express an opinion and disappointment. But he doesn't get to call the shots.

stairbears · 10/12/2015 20:33

The NHS will agree for history of sexual abuse OP, don't worry

ShebaShimmyShake · 10/12/2015 20:33

Alice, if you do want an ELCS for mental health reasons, it's true that you may, unfortunately, have to fight for it. However you look at it, it is indeed a major operation and from a physical medical perspective, they're not going to offer it unless they feel it is necessary.

But if you can see a therapist or counsellor who can vouch for the fact that in your case, it would be the safer route, there is every chance you could have it.

And if anyone starts in on you for it for any reason whatsoever, they can, to use the current medical term, piss up a fucking rope.

Paintedhandprints · 10/12/2015 20:34

I would propose your partner has a fantasy view of childbirth, probably based on the Hollywood version of waters breaking, a bit of heavy breathing a few ladylike screams/ groans, and then dad gets to catch the baby and cut the cord. Lovely.
If only mine had happened that way. I think you just need to educate your partner. Get some friends to share real life birth experiences with him, or watch one born every min. antenatal class, appointment with midwife or other professional, etc.
To be fair to your partner, I didn't have much of a clue about childbirth until I attended antenatal class. I didn't bother with a birth plan because I didn't see how you could possibly plan what would happen.
I pretty much experienced everything that might happen during my first labour. Induced, prepped for emergency cs, delivery via forceps, Long labour, cord wrapped round babies neck, etc. Dh said it was the most horrifying thing he had ever experienced.
What I'm trying today is further discussion in a calm and educated manner is the way forward.
You might want to discuss and agree parenting techniques too.

TaliZorah · 10/12/2015 20:34

Another offensive comment pippin

SpendSpendSpend · 10/12/2015 20:34

I ve got the opposite problem.

I had a emergency c section with dd.

The labour was utterly horrendous!

I always said no way would i try for a natural birth again. However we are now ttc baby number 2 and i ve been thinking about maybe c section not being the best option as this time i will have a toddler to look after too plus i hate my c section overhang and i dont want it to get worse with another section.

However......

Dh wants me to have a c section as he says sex feels different after a woman has given birth vaginally (he has two older children) and its looser down there and not the same as when a woman hasnt given birth.

I am very worried about this and also worried about being cut down there with it being such a sensitive area.

There is also a family history of urine incontinence after giving birth. Also my cousin who had a natural birth had to have surgery down there as she felt like something was flapping about inside her.

Its got me worried about things down there and that what makes me opt for a c section but the recovery process is long.

Original poster
AliceScarlett · 10/12/2015 20:34

pippin!! You're being very judgemental and mean. My MH is very well managed, just because I have experienced abuse does not mean my children will be negatively impacted!! Jesus.

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 10/12/2015 20:35

hefzi, you are quite right of course.

witsender · 10/12/2015 20:36

You should be ashamed of yourself Pippin. How dare you cast such aspersions on someone purely because they do not place the same significance on a physical process as you? Have we gone back a few centuries? The OP has said nothing about poor mental health, just that she knows her triggers and wants to avoid them. And plenty of people with genuine mental health issues are fucking good parents.

Seriously, have a look at yourself. It is rare I swear but I have rarely read such sanctimonious, judgemental, flawed attempts at put downs...even on Mumsnet.

Arkhamasylum · 10/12/2015 20:36

Do you think he's had his head turned by the TV/film 'ooh ah, pop, it's out' rubbish? Show him a video of an actual birth and it might sort him out. I ended up with an emergency CS after four days labour. Getting the baby out is the experience, however you do it. Have your ECS, OP and tell your husband to get off his cloud.

Original poster
AliceScarlett · 10/12/2015 20:38

Yup Hollywood view of birth, that sounds very accurate.

I'll fight for an ELCS, if needed. My history is well documented so hopefully it will be OK. I can always put a PALS in if it's refused.

OP posts:
witsender · 10/12/2015 20:39

And Spend, your husband sounds a wee bit like a misogynistic arse...

ThisisMrsNicolaHicklin · 10/12/2015 20:39

OP, I had an ELCS for MH reasons and it was lovely, properly soft focus, tears of joy lovely :) My previous attempt at VB wasn't very nice.
Childbirth is horses for courses
though and there's never been two the same.

The first time is always a voyage into the unknown and your DH sounds a bit naive. Like others have said encourage him to find out what it's really like. If he's a good man he'll support you in your choice.

ShebaShimmyShake · 10/12/2015 20:39

pippin, please go back to saving the world and everyone in it so we can have an adult discussion and offer some support to a vulnerable and frightened woman. Thank you.

Alice, if your history is well documented, I don't see any reason why you would be denied an elective section. Register at another hospital if your local one gives you any gip.

Original poster
AliceScarlett · 10/12/2015 20:40

Thanks witsender, pippin is saying all the things I dread people are secretly thinking Sad

OP posts:
MimiLaBonq1 · 10/12/2015 20:40

I have two exes who used to say that having a c section was cheating, not giving birth properly etc etc.

They are exes.

Both have kids with other women now. I pity them.

He does have the right to an opinion, of course. But you really need to be sure that he gets you before you go down this route.

He may just be uneducated about "natural" birth and persuaded by this awful society in which we live that c sections are somehow cheating and wrong. It's a common belief even among some women on here

NICE guidelines would suggest you have a very strong case for an ELCS and if you stand your ground you shoudl get one.

Stimpack · 10/12/2015 20:40

Pippin do you get off on being a dick?

monkeysox · 10/12/2015 20:40

BTW you'll still have pains after cs. Afterpains following cs were horrendous. Make sure your plan includes dealing with that too.

BathtimeFunkster · 10/12/2015 20:40

SpendSpend - your husband wants you to have major surgery to please his cock?

Fucking seriously?

That's way worse than what the OP has to deal with.

I've had two ELCSs and they were lovely. But keeping your fanjo nice and tight for your DH's pleasure should not be a consideration.

CassieBearRawr · 10/12/2015 20:40

Fuck me spend. Tell him to do one.

Original poster
AliceScarlett · 10/12/2015 20:41

Thanks Sheba Flowers

OP posts:
OneMoreCasualty · 10/12/2015 20:41

Spend, you must do what you want. Your body, etc. Not up to your H who is being a Wally.

Pelvic floor exercises are an excellent idea throughout pregnancy.

Gladys, you said this:
"The OP is not the patient. No birthing mother is a patient."

You might not have been a patient during a home birth (I expect you were) but women in hospital definitely are.

witsender · 10/12/2015 20:41

No. Her voice is the minority here, it is just standing out because it is nasty.

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