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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think how I give birth is not DH's choice?

288 replies

AliceScarlett · 10/12/2015 19:36

Slightly redundant post as we are only TTC ATM, but we ended up discussing the birth (if that happens).
Anyway, I said I would seriously look into a ELCS, DH looked like someone had stolen his last fucking rolo and said "Oh you can't do that, it would ruin things, we won't get the lovely birth experience. It's not how people imagine it". I said um, what? It's my body my choice. He agreed, but looked so sad.

2min later I said "I think rates of PND increase when people think they have not managed to have a 'proper' birth" (I have no idea if this is true, my bad). Then he said "well why don't you not have a cesarean to make sure that doesn't happen then"!!!!Shock I ripped him a new one, and asked him why I should go through a VB when it is not what I think is right for me. He apologised, but he's made it painfully clear that if I have a ELCS he will be disappointed and "robbed" of "his" birth.

I've suffered sexual abuse in the past and a sure fire way to fuck up my mental health is to experience pain in my fanjo. I know what is best for me, but I now have this ridiculous idea that I'll be weak and upset DH.

Sorry for pointless thread, we may not even concieve but this is kind of putting me off the whole thing.

OP posts:
goodnightdarthvader1 · 10/12/2015 20:04

Posted, not played *

Catsize · 10/12/2015 20:04

Okay, I thought you were being a bit unreasonable until you said about the abuse. He will have his own ideas about birth and why shouldn't he?
Have you explained that the reason behind your choice is that you fear the pain due to the abuse? That is an argument that he will struggle to counter. However, this may need talking through with professionals. Do you really want an elcs? Will there be further resentment that the abuser(s) have somehow forced your choice?

Original poster
AliceScarlett · 10/12/2015 20:04

Will do casmana, will do Smile

OP posts:
Catsize · 10/12/2015 20:06

But YWBU when you wrote 'ripped him a new one'.

CalleighDoodle · 10/12/2015 20:07

Before TTC i think you would benefit from (presumably more) Counselling.

MotherofFlagons · 10/12/2015 20:07

My friend's DH told her when she was pregnant with their first DC that it would be lovely if she had a natural birth and how he'd much prefer it if she didn't have any pain relief, water birth or whatever. She laughed outright, told him that he got a say the day he was the one squeezing an 8lb baby out of his nethers and went right ahead with her plans.

He did apparently admit afterwards that he was wrong, he'd had no idea what giving birth would be like and had some random idea that pain relief was detrimental in some way. Grin

ShebaShimmyShake · 10/12/2015 20:07

No, Casmama, the birth is indeed nothing to do with him unless his partner WANTS it to be. She's the patient, not him. It's her body, not his. She's a person, not an incubator, or a one woman show who owes people any kind of spectacle. This would apply just as much even if she weren't a victim of sexual abuse. She doesn't have the right to autonomy over her own body because she was abused. She has the right to autonomy over her own body because she's a person.

Once the kid is born, yes, it's an equal partnership. Labour is about the woman and what makes her feel most at ease.

My husband had some anal abscesses removed recently. Perhaps I should have demanded my right to watch? He's my husband, after all. Do his anal abscesses have nothing to do with meeeeeeeeee?

Original poster
AliceScarlett · 10/12/2015 20:07

I don't think I'll resent not having a VB, my MH being good will be really important with the stress/hormones etc of having a newborn. That's the bottom line for me. In an ideal world I'd probably have a VB but you need to play the cards you're dealt.

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 10/12/2015 20:08

If/when it does happen and he continues to be an arse then I have a real problem.

Yes, you will.

Which is why people are saying to stop TTC until you have this properly sorted.

But sure, it's only creating a new person. Why not take a chance of doing it with a man who thinks he gets a say on your medical decisions?

Notcontent · 10/12/2015 20:08

The birth is nothing to do with him, unless the op was proposing to do something that is not safe for the baby. An ELCS is extremely safe for the baby. I had one and it was wonderful.

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 10/12/2015 20:08

He is a prick for wanting to see his own child born?!

Wow, nice!

and what would he be if he didnt want to see the child born I wonder?

Having had 6 VB's myself I know full well what is involved, and I chose to go the way I did because it suited me. H wasnt at all happy about the homebirth I chose for my youngest. His mum was a nurse and he assumed that hospital was best (as many people do) and tried to persuade me otherwise. Once we had been through it with the MW he realised that his fears were unfounded and we had the HB. I could have stopped TTC, LTB and called him a prick, but I didnt. I talked to him. It worked...funny that.

Original poster
AliceScarlett · 10/12/2015 20:09

CalleighDoodle

Why? Why would I need (presumably more) counseling?

OP posts:
Lweji · 10/12/2015 20:09

Gladys the birth is nothing to do with him.

It really has nothing to do with him except that the child is his.

The child will be born either way. But the birth is mostly about the mother's body. The OP has to decide what she wants to happen to herself.

And frankly, if he is that intolerant about what you do to your own body, I'm afraid you should be entering LTB territory.

I hope you can explain to him about your point of view, but, it still remains the case that with reason or not, it is still your own body and your own decision to make.

Are you sure he is someone you want to have children with? (bitter experience, but do think about it carefully)

ShebaShimmyShake · 10/12/2015 20:10

In an ideal world, Alice, you would be able to pursue the opportunity to have the birth YOU choose without other people trying to pressure or guilt trip you into having the birth they want to watch/think you are morally obliged to endure. In other words, in an ideal world, your right to bodily and patient autonomy and confidentiality would be respected in childbirth as much as it would be anywhere else. Why the hell childbirth is seen as a free for all, I will never know.

StackladysMorphicResonator · 10/12/2015 20:10

It does sound typically aspie - he's got a fixed idea in his mind about how things are, and it's a struggle to see another point of view. It might be trickier to get your point across, but you MUST persevere with this for your own mental health.

Oh, and best if luck with TTC :)

ShebaShimmyShake · 10/12/2015 20:11

Yes, Gladys, he is a prick for thinking what he wants to see is more important than what a PATIENT wants for HER OWN BODY.

You made your choices, good for you. OP should be able to make hers without being pressured or guilt tripped.

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 10/12/2015 20:13

sheba

The OP is not the patient. No birthing mother is a patient.

stairbears · 10/12/2015 20:13

I think most PPs are a bit ignorant about aspergers, OP. It's quite black & white thinking and if he equates childbirth as just VB then a little readjustment in thinking is required on his part. No big deal.

Nataleejah · 10/12/2015 20:14

Thats why men don't give birth

ShebaShimmyShake · 10/12/2015 20:14

The child is his (and equally hers). The birth is not. Childbirth is not about men's rights, what men want, what fathers want to see or experience, or anything like that. It is about safely delivering a baby, and the best chance of that is when the mother is properly supported. And that means not attempting to override her rights to autonomy and confidentiality because someone thinks she owes him some sort of show.

CalleighDoodle · 10/12/2015 20:14

alice because pain in the fango?? would bring back mental health issues. Theres no dignity in pregnancy and childbirth, no matter if VB or section. People will be up there at various different times.

Also because arguing so aggrgrssively (ripping him a new one...) over how you may or may not want to give birth when youre not even ttc is a massive over-reaction.

RebootYourEngine · 10/12/2015 20:16

I would book an appointment with the GP or Midwife if you are allowed to book if you arent pregnant so that the two of you can have a chat with them about the good and bad points about both VB and ELCS. And also if you havent already i would enquire about counselling.

OneMoreCasualty · 10/12/2015 20:16

Pretty sure the mother is a patient as she gets a hospital bed, HCP care, a cardboard bowl to wee in and all that jazzzzz!

SpangleDragon · 10/12/2015 20:16

"pain relief was detrimental in some way" not a comment on anyone in particular, but where do people get this idea from?? you wouldn't have a tooth out without pain relief ffs

ShebaShimmyShake · 10/12/2015 20:17

Gladys, how fortunate that doctors, nurses and midwives don't agree with you. A woman labouring in hospital is a patient whether you like that or not, and has all the ensuing rights. If you don't understand this, there is no point discussing this any further with you.

Glad you were able to pursue the birth experience that was best for you, perhaps you could allow other people the same privilege. Good day.