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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think how I give birth is not DH's choice?

288 replies

AliceScarlett · 10/12/2015 19:36

Slightly redundant post as we are only TTC ATM, but we ended up discussing the birth (if that happens).
Anyway, I said I would seriously look into a ELCS, DH looked like someone had stolen his last fucking rolo and said "Oh you can't do that, it would ruin things, we won't get the lovely birth experience. It's not how people imagine it". I said um, what? It's my body my choice. He agreed, but looked so sad.

2min later I said "I think rates of PND increase when people think they have not managed to have a 'proper' birth" (I have no idea if this is true, my bad). Then he said "well why don't you not have a cesarean to make sure that doesn't happen then"!!!!Shock I ripped him a new one, and asked him why I should go through a VB when it is not what I think is right for me. He apologised, but he's made it painfully clear that if I have a ELCS he will be disappointed and "robbed" of "his" birth.

I've suffered sexual abuse in the past and a sure fire way to fuck up my mental health is to experience pain in my fanjo. I know what is best for me, but I now have this ridiculous idea that I'll be weak and upset DH.

Sorry for pointless thread, we may not even concieve but this is kind of putting me off the whole thing.

OP posts:
Cloppysow · 10/12/2015 20:18

Och, some of us have really romanticised notions of the beauty of childbirth. My ex didn't want me to have drugs, nor did I. We wanted the "beauty of a natural birth". Pah! He was shouting for drugs for me before i was.

He just doesn't know. These are not red flags. He's not a misogynist. He just doesn't know.

Calm the fuck down mumsnet.

OneMoreCasualty · 10/12/2015 20:18

Sone drugs cross into the baby's bloodstream and make them a bit sleepy, IIRC.

But yeah - still all for whatever pain relief works!

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 10/12/2015 20:19

Dont get snotty with me because I understand better than you the rights of a pregnant, labouring and birthing mother!

21 years from first birth til last, fighting for my rights both within and out of hospital, birthing in different environments and in different ways, dont you dare tell me what I do and do not understand.

I suggest you take your head from your arse and realise that the mothers relationship with the father may be just as important to her as your own agenda is to you.

TaliZorah · 10/12/2015 20:20

Gladys it's her body. He doesn't have a say on that

I don't think she should leave him though.

Duckdeamon · 10/12/2015 20:20

OP, hopefully after some educational reading (including stuff from a feminist angle!) you can discuss this further eith him and he'll "get it". It's good to be having this chat at this point, when you're not pregnant!

Totally disagree with gladys and also the PP who said "Me and DH go with the "my body, our baby" approach. So anything that just affects me, he has to suck it up. Anything that affects the baby we decide together."

women carry the babies and make choices about our bodies - including choices that affect our embryo or fetus - during pregnancy and birth. Only after that do men get some decision making authority too.

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 10/12/2015 20:20

And in my last birth I was most certainly not a patient, HCP were in my home, I was not their patient.

ShebaShimmyShake · 10/12/2015 20:21

Cloppysow, that is too true, unfortunately. And some people do indeed get that experience...but many don't. And the pressure towards it is what leads a lot of women to be disappointed and even traumatised by the birth they had, even if it did actually go objectively well.

In the OP's case, she knows what she wants in order to have as positive an experience as possible and it's not the business of anyone else.

pippinsfriend · 10/12/2015 20:23

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Original poster
AliceScarlett · 10/12/2015 20:24

Yes I will be getting support with my MH throughout. Will definitely be taking him along to midwife appointments, etc to have ELCS explained. I think he just needs to shift his thinking a lot.

Maybe ripping him a new one was a bad expression, I don't think I over reacted, just showed my shock and explained how what he was saying made me feel, then produced my counter argument, told him his ideas where not supportive or helpful and am now letting him process it. He needs time to get his head around new ideas.

OP posts:
pippinsfriend · 10/12/2015 20:25

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stairbears · 10/12/2015 20:25

Sheba - midwives have been trained for many years now, not to refer to birthing women as 'patients'. Yes, they are technically inpatients if they are admitted to hospital, but the word 'woman' is preferable these days.

Iggi999 · 10/12/2015 20:26

Pippinsfriend - you should be fucking ashamed of yourself.

TaliZorah · 10/12/2015 20:26

Child birth is a sacred, beautiful, primal experience. It's a climatic and happy time

For you maybe.

I had no emotional attachment or romantic visions of birth. To me it's painful, frightening and many other things I don't want. My ELCS was fabulous.

Please don't feel sorry for those of us who don't think birth is some magical experience

ShebaShimmyShake · 10/12/2015 20:27

pippin, the OP has been abused in the past and knows her triggers. For her, natural childbirth is not sacred and beautiful, it is too close to what she experienced and could damage her.

Even if she weren't abused, if she doesn't feel that way about childbirth, it will not have that positive effect for her. It is her body. She is the only one with any rights to dictate what happens to it.

Childbirth is not sacred and beautiful to everyone...until fairly recent times, it regularly killed women and babies. A sacred and beautiful birth is one that delivers a live, healthy baby to a live, healthy mother. Whether that's vaginal, C section, waterbirth, epidural, whatever, doesn't matter.

noeffingidea · 10/12/2015 20:28

Gladys you're still the patient even during a homebirth.

ShebaShimmyShake · 10/12/2015 20:28

stairbears, you have missed the point entirely.

stairbears · 10/12/2015 20:28

No choices in childbirth are wrong. There are pros and cons with homebirth, birth centres, obstetric wards, natural or medical comfort measures, in-labour caesareans and planned caesareans.

Lets quit all the judgement here shall we? We should all have a right to make our own informed choices.

Original poster
AliceScarlett · 10/12/2015 20:28

VB and sexual abuse are not similar, I'm not saying that pippin. I'm saying that the pain both during and after will probably cause flashbacks of the abuse and will be distressing, this is not what I need at an alreasdy emotional time. Sorry but I wouldn't find it a sacred, beautiful or happy experience! Well maybe I would, but I doubt it and for me it is 100% not worth the risk.

OP posts:
WoodHeaven · 10/12/2015 20:29

Wow lots of moments that are way off the mark IMO.

Seen that your DH has AS, and can be set in his ways, I would

  • have a word with him about what he thinks about giving birth, pain, where the lain and his bad is it
  • check that he dies t have an 'idealised' isea of what giving birth means
  • show him articles About giving birth and past sexual abuse and how it can be triggering
  • go with him about what giving birth means and in particular the fact YOU are the 'patient' and therefore you are the only person who will decide (just like for say a heart surgery or an appendectomy)

I have to say I would also check where he is getting his Information re what 'we' will do at birth. I know quite a few people talk about 'we' during pg and yes these are things that should be discussed as a couple. But but but.

Original poster
AliceScarlett · 10/12/2015 20:29

Why wouldn't the NHS agree??? freaks out

OP posts:
stairbears · 10/12/2015 20:29

No choices in childbirth are wrong. There are pros and cons with homebirth, birth centres, obstetric wards, natural or medical comfort measures, in-labour caesareans and planned caesareans.

Lets quit all the judgement here shall we? We should all have a right to make our own informed choices.

witsender · 10/12/2015 20:29

Pippin, you are woefully (but thankfully) incorrect and misinformed. New NICE recommendations are indeed that women should have the final say over what happens to their body. Shocker eh!

noeffingidea · 10/12/2015 20:30

pippin how disrespectful, referring to another woman's choice over her own body as 'silly'.

witsender · 10/12/2015 20:31

I wasn't fussed about the process of childbirth. Not everyone is.

pippinsfriend · 10/12/2015 20:32

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