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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to plan on walking out of work at 1.30 on Friday?

500 replies

PennyHasNoSurname · 09/12/2015 06:25

Its my daughters Nativity, her first one.

This week sees the implementation of a project at work that I am massively involved in. All.of my week is spent on training and development and we "go live" Friday.

As soon as I found out the Nativity date I spoke with my line manager about getting away at 1.30 on Friday, for it, and offered to return after it til whenever I was needed. Our industry is 365 days a year, 24 hrs a day. I am rostered to work til 3.30pm.

It was not well received, and I have been told "this really isnt the best week for this" and my direct line manager has cancelled a lunch date with her own friends on that day.

AIBU or WIBU to remain insistant that I need to leave at 1.30, and to feel that my reason is more important than a lunch date with a friend?

WWYD? Would you leave?

Fwiw I would not be leaving the place understaffed, I am surplus this week as dedicated solely to the new project. We also have tech support in all week and they are there Fri purely for troubleshooting after going live.

OP posts:
Tomo1234 · 10/12/2015 16:03

Im sorry I didn't mean to be so blunt I realise many people don't have the options. We find it difficult- for either of us to get time off requires huge amounts of juggling and catching up late into the night (night shift at McDonalds! Ha!). If you are prepared to do the catch up work then go. It is a sore subject this year. I know people who just wish they had the chance to go to a nativity but never will again. I shall be handing in my notice following these losses and will be counting my blessings every day that I have my children to watch grow up, while so many don't. This year has shown me life is short and I don't intend to miss these moments. We don't have lots of money and it will be stressful but it needs to be done. I didn't mean to come across high and mighty I have just had my priorities completely changed.

LeaLeander · 10/12/2015 16:04

They both btw were vocal about when they stopped contraception and both became pregnant within a couple of cycles. They KNEW they were trying to create pregnancies that would result in giving birth right at the most crucial period of a five-year project for which they were hired. Even if they had delayed four or five months it would have made all the difference.

Their quite well-paid jobs would not have existed if not for that project yet they felt no compunction about timing their pregnancies to be unavailable then. To me that is out and out fraud.

And their priorities now are clear to all around them. You can't blame a manager (and I am not their manager btw, just an interested bystander) for preferring to work with people who will actually show up when needed.

Daisysbear · 10/12/2015 16:04

I think your attitude is a bit extreme lealander. People are entitled to request time off for family reasons. There's a difference between that and just assuming that you can automatically take any time you want and to hell with everyone else .

Dancergirl · 10/12/2015 16:04

daisy that is not always the case.

In the sector I worked in before dc, there were times when it was just not necessary to have the whole team there, even at busy times, project launches etc. It was just overkill and sometimes people were left twiddling their thumbs. Sometimes a huge song and dance is made and decisions made that it's imperative that everyone is there without really thinking carefully about each person's role.

There is much hysteria on this thread. No-one really knows the OP's workplace set up or the nature of this project yet she is getting a battering of even considering being off at an important time. Maybe, just maybe, the OP might have considered how necessary her presence would be?

Daisysbear · 10/12/2015 16:08

Dancer the op has made it perfectly clear what the situation is and that is the situation we are commenting on. Can you explain what a manager is to do in situations like this rather than making vague generalisations about other situations?

Daisysbear · 10/12/2015 16:10

And where's the 'hysteria'? I haven't seen any.

Notonthestairs · 10/12/2015 16:12

Ignoring Lealanders "mommy-tracking" (that's not a discrimination claim waiting to happen, no...)

Op - its a great idea to try going to the dress rehearsal - I know a few parents who did that last year as they couldnt be at the performance. You can only ask.

Apathyisthenewblah · 10/12/2015 16:13

LeaLeander please don't come and work in the UK. The HE sector really doesn't need people like you.

DeoGratias · 10/12/2015 16:15

It sounds like she isn't really needed at 1.30 on Friday and nor did they actually say no - just that it wasn't very convenient so unless they are itching to sack her she coudl email just as she leaves saying as I have notified you I am leaving at 1.30 for 2 hours. When I get back i will obviously work the extra 2 hours into the evening. As you know I am not needed in any event at go live as XYS persons provide more than enough cover....

On the other hand if they have said if you leave we will sack you then best not to go. I have always managed to get to nativity plays but it depends on the nature of your work whether you can or not.

Dancergirl · 10/12/2015 16:16

Can you explain what a manager is to do in situations like this

Make a definite decision for one thing. Either yes she can have the time off or no she's can't. Not a vague 'errmm maybe you can but it's not great timing and we'll make you feel guilty if you do'.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 10/12/2015 16:17

So OP what did you decide to do? Smile

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/12/2015 16:18

Another (retired) employer here - specialist recruitment in a professional healthcare sector

Seen all this countless times and have been more than happy to organise things to enable family life wherever possible; happily it usually worked very well. The few times it didn't were always for the same reason: an employee whose only acceptable outcome was their own way at all times, no matter what the cost. Interestingly these were the same folk who, while expecting countless allowances for themselves, were the first to refuse to help out someone else

Somehow they seemed never to have left the toddler stage, feeling that stamping and demanding would work if they kept it up long enough and failing to understand that life involves choices, compromises and thought for others. Sad, really

Daisysbear · 10/12/2015 16:19

God. I don't think the manager could win with you Dancer.

Dancergirl · 10/12/2015 16:20

I'm not sure what you mean daisy could you explain please?

Daisysbear · 10/12/2015 16:20

Well said puzzled.

LeaLeander · 10/12/2015 16:22

"Please don't come work in the UK".

Interestingly more than half of the post-docs on the project are from England or Ireland. Couple others from Asia. They don't seem to find employment policies here a barrier to preferring these gigs over what is available in their home countries.

MontyYouTerribleCunt · 10/12/2015 16:26

Well Lea you are commenting on a post written by someone in the uk about her job which is also based in the uk. So, helpful as it was to have your feedback on how the uk fares compared to the USA on... whatever the hell you've decided to get competetive over, it really isn't relevant here. How goady.

lexlees · 10/12/2015 16:27

You are not being unreasonable at all. You informed your manager as soon as you knew. It is as special one off event. Yes the timing is bad. But stick to your guns -this the first play.

How long is a nativity play anyway? An hour? You could ask to have an extended 2 hour lunch break and come back to work after and work until 5.30. This shows commitment.

My other half still complains about how his parents were so busy working they missed so many school plays, sporting event and competitions. It made him feel like their work was their priority.

What is the point of having children if you are going to miss moments special to them. I feel so sorry for parents that have to make such choices. It is just not fair!

Snoopadoop · 10/12/2015 16:30

lex
How long is a nativity play anyway? An hour? You could ask to have an extended 2 hour lunch break and come back to work after and work until 5.30. This shows commitment.

That's what she proposed and her manager still turned her down and that is why she has my full sympathy. If she is so vital she cannot be spared for 2 hours having given plenty of notice then I feel the team aren't working effectively as a unit and the manager isn't managing properly.

rookiemere · 10/12/2015 16:32

OP I feel for you I really do.

I remember very well the feeling of missing DS's P1 sports day, naively thinking it would be a bit like the previous one where they thumped a couple of bean bags around and had group high fives for coming last.

Instead luckily DH was there to witness it as I got text after text saying that DS had won all his races - clean sweep in all five and I wasn't there to see it Sad instead I was on a teleconference for a tedious project that I shouldn't even have been managing as I had deliberately gone down a pay grade to support my p/t working.

After that day I swore never to miss an important thing at school and I haven't although we've just got the one and as it's a private school they are generally fairly considerate of working parents so most things aren't slap bang in the middle of the day.

On the other hand I can see your managers dilemma. Big project goes live, you're clearly important and needed. Sounds like she isn't a parent so may not understand that attending a first nativity is important to most of us.

Do you have any gps or relatives near by that could go instead? I've done that ( yes I know contradicts paragraph above, but there seems to be too many recorder concerts at our place) and told the other DM to wave specially to DS - seemed to work.

If not what's the tightest you can do the nativity in, say if you got a taxi there and back.

Could you contact the school explaining the dilemma to get precise timings? If you were able to email your manager and explain that you really want to be there, but you know how important the roll out is, therefore you could do it in an hour using taxis and you'd come in early and/or work late to support it, then she may reconsider, especially if you aren't normally known for doing things like that.

GlomOfNit · 10/12/2015 16:35

Lots of macho posturing on this thread. Sad I think the OP should go back to her boss and have a serious discussion about this. It isn't a little thing, the very first nativity play. It's a big deal. So many people on this thread are of the school that says 'well, I had to suffer (miss plays, etc) so why shouldn't you?', or 'You chose to work, so suck it up'. Ignoring the fact that the UK workplace is massively unsympathetic of family needs. There should be more flexibility, making the time up another time, or swapping hours round.

Having said that, if after a frank and civil discussion, my boss was adamant that I wouldn't be able to go, I'd reluctantly accept it and try to work something out for my child that meant they felt ok about it (and hopefully the school will be more considerate of working parents and put on a show in the evening, next year! or perhaps film it and make the film available to parents). Sadly, with the current work climate, it's not worth losing a good job for - but if I were trying to make that impossible balance between FT work and being there for my family work, I'd seriously reconsider whether this was the right employer for me.

Daisysbear · 10/12/2015 16:40

Dancer if the manager said a definite 'no' would you agree that was fair?

purplepolkadots · 10/12/2015 16:41

If they say no, and it is in your working hours, then to leave early would be gross misconduct.
At the end of the day, work has to come first.

Daisysbear · 10/12/2015 16:42

Am amused by the posters saying the manager is obviously a bad manager because she can't let a key member of a team disappear for two hours in the middle of a critical day.

Daisysbear · 10/12/2015 16:44

Glom why duo assume she's not a parent?