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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to plan on walking out of work at 1.30 on Friday?

500 replies

PennyHasNoSurname · 09/12/2015 06:25

Its my daughters Nativity, her first one.

This week sees the implementation of a project at work that I am massively involved in. All.of my week is spent on training and development and we "go live" Friday.

As soon as I found out the Nativity date I spoke with my line manager about getting away at 1.30 on Friday, for it, and offered to return after it til whenever I was needed. Our industry is 365 days a year, 24 hrs a day. I am rostered to work til 3.30pm.

It was not well received, and I have been told "this really isnt the best week for this" and my direct line manager has cancelled a lunch date with her own friends on that day.

AIBU or WIBU to remain insistant that I need to leave at 1.30, and to feel that my reason is more important than a lunch date with a friend?

WWYD? Would you leave?

Fwiw I would not be leaving the place understaffed, I am surplus this week as dedicated solely to the new project. We also have tech support in all week and they are there Fri purely for troubleshooting after going live.

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 09/12/2015 17:39

You know the reason why you cant go (tbh I would have worked that out myself and unless I could have given a solid contingency plan/back fill that wouldn't have impacted the project I wouldn't have even asked), you asked and were told it wasn't possible due to the project go live.

Going back and asking your line manager again would be very unprofessional unless something has changed or you can give him an acceptable alternative solution.

If you walked out they would not be unreasonable to discipline you.

MultishirkingAgain · 09/12/2015 17:50

Family is far more important than colleagues.

But your colleagues also have families. So you're saying that your family is more important than the families of your colleagues.

OK, but if ever you need a favour, or cutting some slack by your colleagues, they may just remember your opinion of their families.

Floggingmolly · 09/12/2015 17:51

Guess who'll be first in line when if redundancies are necessary, Drew?
That's right; the guy who swans off on holiday at month end leaving the accounts "inaccurate"... (Why wouldn't they be accurate, btw? Is your job so specialised they no one else can do it? Hmm)

MultishirkingAgain · 09/12/2015 17:58

I think you should ask again and I think some people do not appreciate the importance of the first nativity play because they don't have children

And you know what? My mother missed most of my stuff at school because I'm from a large family and she was often committed to doing other things. She had to juggle between all of her children. She was a SAHM, and was very busy running after all 6 of us. That was the way it was, and I'd rather have all my siblings even if I rarely had "quality time" with either parent.

So quit with the condescension towards those without children, or working parents.

hollinhurst84 · 09/12/2015 18:21

My parents never attended any of my school stuff. I understood they were working
Tough but that's how it is
I've never worked in a job where they would let me out for a few hours to watch a nativity!

ReginaBlitz · 09/12/2015 18:49

Does she have any lines or is she just a sheep? If she doesn't do much then fuck it tbh they are pretty shite especially when your kid only has one line or worse still is just in the chorus. Not worth losing your job over. It's a bit dare I say "entitled" of you to think you can just fuck off for the afternoon for it. I bet people have had family etc die and just had to suck it up to keep their jobs.

Goldenbear · 09/12/2015 18:52

Is this why you completely lack empathy for those who don't want to do it like that? Can you imagine for instance that other people were brought up differently to you and did have a parent present at these things and very much appreciated that effort. Can you imagine that I means a lot to the OP and loads of other parents to see the first nativity play? What's key here is 'empathy'. No wonder women are pushed out of the workplace after having children, when these working cultures established by men continue to remain unchallenged and even endorsed by women themselves. The shocking lack of empathy is the reason working practices remain antiquated IMO!

Daisy, two things-

  1. I'm not a Mother in a paid occupation so I'm not sure how my 'attitude' is tarnishing anything.

  2. Mothers are just women, people, individuals that when in paid occupations have to no more justify their decisions or correspondingly work at dispelling myths about 'Mothers in the workplace' than any other person in the workplace.

Akire · 09/12/2015 18:57

I presume you don't work for 24h on the day it actually goes live so what will happen at 330 or 530 when your shift ends? Can you try and sort cover with the person who is on duty after you? If it's so vital and urgent then surely they have support more than first 8h shift.

Really don't think missing 2h and coming back working longer really would kill the project. She would be going home at some point anyway!

OnlyLovers · 09/12/2015 19:03

Mothers are just women, people, individuals that when in paid occupations have to no more justify their decisions or correspondingly work at dispelling myths about 'Mothers in the workplace' than any other person in the workplace.

Conversely, mothers (parents actually) have no greater rights to feel entitled to take an important afternoon off than anyone else.

Can you imagine that I means a lot to the OP and loads of other parents to see the first nativity play? What's key here is 'empathy'.

How utterly condescending. 'Can you imagine'? What the actual jeff? Do you GENUINELY think people DON'T understand this? Do you not think some posters on this thread have missed important things to do with their children for work reasons? Do you think they don't care?

kennyp · 09/12/2015 19:09

i'd try my hardest to wangle a way one way or another (do i sound like a one direction?!?!?!) to get to the nativity.

loads of people have jobs they can't get time off from as people have said above but it doesn't sound as though anyone's lives will be at risk if you go to the nativity (i.e. you sound officey sort of job as opposed to a cardiologist). i can't remember my daughters first nativity and i dont she can remember it or me being there but it was extreeeeeeemely important to me at the time and i would have been stressy stressed if i couldn't have gone so i hope it works out for you.

Nottodaythankyouorever · 09/12/2015 19:17

Conversely, mothers (parents actually) have no greater rights to feel entitled to take an important afternoon off than anyone else.

Exactly. Despite what some may think, sometimes having DC does not make you more entitled to having time off in these instances than anyone else!

Dipankrispaneven · 09/12/2015 19:34

Even if you're a number on a payroll, managers are insane to not agree basic flexible working like this.

But this isn't basic flexible working, by any definition. It's OP wanting time off on what sounds like the one day of the year that it's particularly important for her to be there. It appears that the company has already invested a great deal of time and money in the project: if the launch doesn't work, they risk all of that being wasted. They're entitled to expect their employees to do what they're paid for to prevent that from happening.

I was talking recently to a barrister who has been put in precisely this situation because a trial she is involved with has overrun. It didn't so much as occur to her to ask that the case be adjourned to allow her to attend her child's nativity play.

CreepingDogFart · 09/12/2015 19:43

I don't have any advice but I really feel for you OP.

TabithaTwitchEye · 09/12/2015 19:48

I would not go without permission. If permission was denied, and you really feel it shouldn't have been, then I would be questioning how much I wanted to work for the company. However, I would not put myself in the position where they questioned how much they wanted me.

Notonthestairs · 09/12/2015 20:10

Just to fling this in there is a difference between missing a lunch and missing a nativity. A lunch can (if everyone is willing) be re-jigged. God knows my mates have have switched dates for events - birthdays - sometimes a month or two later than planned - to help me out. I am not pretending thats easy by the way and maybe I just have great friends. But also its easier to explain to friends whats happening and why - they'd totally get it.
Explaining it all to a child will be tricker.
Plus the nativity wont happen again in Jan/Feb.

That said I'd never walk out of a job. I've had my job at risk before (redundancies) and I'd never want to feel that I had undermined my own position at work.

Original poster
PennyHasNoSurname · 09/12/2015 20:39

Just had a chance to read up and thank you all. Too busy in training today to broach the subject with my line manager.

I am a supervisor and if someone asked me what I have asked of her I wouldnt hesitate to allow my staff to step away early to attend something like this and I would willingly and happily "hold the fort" for the gap between them leaving and the next shift starting.

I guess overall I am disappointed that she wouldnt do the same.

OP posts:
Shutthatdoor · 09/12/2015 21:08

I guess overall I am disappointed that she wouldnt do the same.

She has already cancelled her own plans for it. Even if it was 'just' a lunch it could have been important to her.

She may well have covered you on a 'normal' day. This however isn't normal.

Noneedforasitter · 09/12/2015 21:17

OP - if this is your first nativity and you're going to miss it, I can paint a picture for you instead. Your seat will be in the third row at best, you'll have to crane your neck to see much, your daughter probably won't be able to see you until afterwards and she will probably be narrator17 or the third donkey from the right. Even if she's Mary, she's likely to be one of three or four Marys. I asked my teenage daughter about her first nativity. She couldn't remember if I was present or not, just that she was a sheep. I have hundreds of special memories of her growing up, but none of the nativities I went to feature in that list. Don't sweat it if you can't get there - there will be plenty of better memories to be had.

Goldenbear · 09/12/2015 21:47

Onlylovers, my point was that family status is not relevant in the workplace but for women it seems that it is. Mothers are expected to prove their economic worth much more than the unencumbered. They have to not only do their job but also work extra hard to overcome the prejudices towards Mothers in the workplace. God forbid the demands of their other job - the Mother one, require them to occasionally request time away from the 'real' work. If that happens we all know it's because 'working Mothers' are so 'entitled'. Oddly enough the only thing they're not entitled about us 'equal' pay and those board rooms, they're full of women who are Mother's aren't they??

Goldenbear · 09/12/2015 21:49

Just Mothers not 'mother's'

ilovesooty · 09/12/2015 21:58

Why is the OP expressing her disappointment with her employer while just accepting that her husband can't ask for leave?

It sounds as though it's much more about her needs than her daughter's but I can see why leave might be refused on that particular day. I think her gender is irrelevant as it sounds as though a similar request from a male worker in these circumstances wouldn't have been welcomed either.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 09/12/2015 22:10

Mothers are expected to prove their economic worth much more than the unencumbered. They have to not only do their job but also work extra hard to overcome the prejudices towards Mothers in the workplace

I'm a mother. I worked full time as a solicitor in private practice since my son was 3 months old. None of what you say bears any resemblance to my experience.

If I didn't have anything critical on I went to nativities, end of year recitals and sports days. Some I had to miss.

I did not however play the I'm a mother card, I must get priority over anyone else who wanted time off.

Floisme · 09/12/2015 22:36

The Nativity is just the beginning. There are years of performances, assemblies and trips ahead of you, not to mention parents 'evenings' (starting at 3.30), illnesses, bad weather and broken boilers.

Holding it all together is tricky and you don't just need an understanding manager; you also need the co-operation and goodwill of your workmates. They are the ones who will be covering for you and those of you who think your own personal lives are more important than theirs may find your arrogance coming back to bite you on the arse.

Goldenbear · 09/12/2015 23:07

But your 'personal' experience is just that and it is not representative of the bigger picture.

There is no 'Mother card' to play, are you seriously denying the various and plentiful pulls on your time and energy that didn't exist prior to being a Mother. The 'Mother card' suggests it's an 'act' but it isn't is it?

Shutthatdoor · 09/12/2015 23:12

There is no 'Mother card' to play, are you seriously denying the various and plentiful pulls on your time and energy that didn't exist prior to being a Mother.

Many people have other priorities such as sick partners or elderly parents. These equally pull on people's time.

You seem to be saying that if you are a mother then what you want should come before everyone else.

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