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Original poster

To expect a phone call and backing from another parent?

354 replies

MJ686 · 06/12/2015 15:43

My first post here, advice needed please.

Put yourself in my shoes please ..

Single mum of 16yr old daughter. She has an 18yr old boyfriend, she met him in July. She had asked me previously if she could have a sleep over at his house, the answer from me was NO. She ran away and stayed with her elder brother for a fortnight during an almighty row with me about putting her boyfriend before her studies. I've since found out that she's had sex with her boyfriend and that whilst staying at her brothers she has been allowed by the boyfriend's Mum and Dad to sleep over at their house and sleep in the boyfriend's bed with him.

Shocked, hurt and angry are only a few of the emotions I am feeling right now, but I think the worst is the betrayal I feel from the other parents. Isn't there an unspoken parental code where we are all supposed to back each other up and support each other? I know if my 18yr old son had brought a girl home and said, "Hey, it's ok if we sleep together here tonight, Mum, you're cool with that, right?" Well, firstly, I wouldn't ever allow that as I am not as liberal as I am being told I should be! And secondly, even if I was liberal, I would have said, "Whoa! Hold your horses Boy, does her Mum know she's here and does she have permision for that? Yes? Ok, let's just check shall we, what's your Mum's number, let me give her a call".

I asked my daughter if his Mum had even spoken to her about contraception or safe sex, of course the answer was NO, yet she willingly allowed them to sleep together, during a time that SHE KNEW my daughter was having a teenage strop and arguing with me, so she was hardly in a place where she wanted to talk to me about being safe, she was in a vunerable place and still his parents allowed this.

I'm so very angry about this and can't see how I can get over how I feel. The two kids are, of course, professing undying love for each other and telling me I should just "get over it as not everyone has the same morals as you" and "everyone's doing it now, it's normal for 16yr olds" "you come from a different era" and "wouldn't you rather we were doing it somewhere safe". God, I haven't even met his parents, but I hate them already.

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 06/12/2015 18:00

I just wished for her to have 'lived' more before she did this. For various reason, health issues, a year behind with her studies and home educated because of her health issues, she has not had a huge social life, so all I wanted for her was to finish her exams this June, go to college in Sept, meet more people, make more friends, socialise, get out there and involved in the world AND THEN see who would be the best fit for her, instead of falling for her one and ONLY friend. I just wished for her to have just met and interacted with more boys before she decided who was right (even if that did still ended up being this boy) so she could just be as sure as she could be. That's all I wished and hoped for.

OP, you make it sound like her life is over, not that she has had sex. Her life is not over, she has not died. She 'just' had sex. She can still do all the things that you want for her! As well as things she wants for herself.

Answer me honestly, were you this invested in your DS's sex life when it started?

Enjolrass · 06/12/2015 18:03

DD could also join the army at 16, but no fucking way would I be condoning that either!

But can you stop them?

No one is saying the OP has condone it. They are saying she needs to look at the reasons she is so against it and work out why she has a problem with it.

It seems to be that she wasn't ready at 19.

All the reasons she has listed are not effected by who she is having asked with or not having sex with.

Like it or not the parents and the BF are under no obligation to contact the OP. The OPs daughter isn't a possession they have to negotiate over.

She may regret it in years to come, but every person has something In Their past they wished they had done different.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 06/12/2015 18:03

Haffdonga You have accused me of saying another poster has sexual dysfunction. I have not.

I have said someone may have some issues about sex that are not normal (based on some evidence of not normal reactions to things considered fairly normal by society). I also said that's fine. Because people are allowed to have their own sexual preferences/differences/issues/boundaries or whatever that are unique and personal to them. What is not ok is to think that those unusual, uncommon or not normal opinions should be imposed upon others.

Hope that's clear because I'm boggling at how a two sentence post can be so misconstrued as to be about sexual dysfunction!

manamanah · 06/12/2015 18:04

'But my bigger point here was, why don't we back each other up as parents? His parents knew I didn't want her to sleep over there as I had previously told the kids I didn't approve. Why, just because one parent is more liberal than another, does the other parent's view or wishes count for nothing?'

You don't have a point and your views and wishes count for nothing because she is an adult engaging in a legal, normal activity. Her sex life is not for you to dictate or approve of. That being said any of them should have had the sense to let you know she was somewhere safe.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 06/12/2015 18:04

Oh and you really need to buy a dictionary and look up the meaning of a few words like misquote Haffdonga and perhaps Goady Fucker too.

pretend · 06/12/2015 18:05

Enjolrass I might not be able to stop her, but I'd be ready to kill if someone else's parents had driven her to the train station (the only equivalent I can think of right now!)!

PrettyBrightFireflies · 06/12/2015 18:05

The age of consent takes into account a DCs ability to give informed consent at that age, so it was the OPs responsibility to equip her DD with the skills to make that decision. Just like 10 years old is the age of legal responsibility - you can't argue that a 10 year old who has killed another DC isn't old enough to be held accountable.

The OPs disappointment suggests that she doesn't believe her DD has made af fully informed/educated choice - responsibility for that lies with the OP.

SevenSeconds · 06/12/2015 18:06

OP, I had sex for the first time just after my 16th birthday with my boyfriend aged 17. I went on to do well in my exams, get a good degree and a great career, then get married to a lovely man when I was 29 and have DC with him - everything that I'm guessing you are hoping for your DD.

Honestly, this isn't the end of the world.

pretend · 06/12/2015 18:06

I cannot understand posters who say your child gets to X age and suddenly your views count for nothing. Of course they bloody do!

I'm 42 and I would still take my mum's views into account on certain issues - it's called caring for your nearest and dearest and not being a nob.

DotForShort · 06/12/2015 18:07

I personally think that 16 is too young for sex. But it doesn't matter what I personally think. Any individual over the age of consent can make those decisions him/herself. Maybe your DD will regret this relationship. Maybe she won't. It really is not up to you to decide when or with whom she has a sexual relationship.

And I don't see why the boyfriend's parents should have to back up your POV on the subject. They obviously don't agree with you, and they can give their son permission to have his girlfriend stay over. You don't support their decision, why on earth do you think they are obliged to support yours?

pretend · 06/12/2015 18:08

Plus, of course we all have things we wish we'd done different. And it's part of our job as parents to counsel our kids to learn from our mistakes (yes I know, if only!). It is NOT an excuse to throw your hands up in the air and say "what can you do?"

Any parent who does that, especially with a 16 year old, is a crap parent imo.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 06/12/2015 18:09

I think any parent who allows their DCs to know that they are disappointed/angry/upset with decisions their DCs make (assuming the decisions are not illegal or deliberately designed to hurt someone else) are the "nobs" Hmm

ILiveAtTheBeach · 06/12/2015 18:12

prettybright My DD is not a lesbian, so she wouldn't bring a girl home. If she brought a boy home, it would depend on his age, as to whether I would contact his parents. It's a moot point tho, as he would not be allowed to sleep over. But for the sake of argument, if I did allow him to stay, then yes it would be age dependent. If he was under 18, I would contact his parents.

When my kids were having sleepovers with pals, I also always touched base with the other Mum. Common sense.

MJ686 You are not wrong here. They are. Flowers

Enjolrass · 06/12/2015 18:12

Enjolrass I might not be able to stop her, but I'd be ready to kill if someone else's parents had driven her to the train station (the only equivalent I can think of right now!)!

And I would say Yabu too Wink

It wouldn't stop her getting the train would it? But it would make her feel like she had some support.

Analogies make my head hurt Smile

laughingatweather · 06/12/2015 18:13

Moving - thanks for providing some of the statistics that I would have provided for super!.

I think this thread has moved on from the OPs discomfort and veered into whether or nor people think sex should be indulged in by teenagers. And that's interesting I think.

The idea that there is something about sex that can be 'too soon' by people of and above the age of consent.

That it's something that can only be understood or enjoyed by 'real adults'. Or that it limits opportunities - but all the examples given aren't about a young person having sex, they're about the young person 'in love' making choices because they're obsessed/devoted to their BF/GF not that sex is making them make that choice.

I'm not sure it's sex that is leading to that. But it's sex that parents feel uncomfortable about.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 06/12/2015 18:13

What? Parents should not tell their kids, if they think they're making a mistake. That's terrible parenting!

Enjolrass · 06/12/2015 18:14

'm 42 and I would still take my mum's views into account on certain issues - it's called caring for your nearest and dearest and not being a nob

But that's your choice to take your mums views into account.

You are not obliged to. As the ops dd isn't obliged to.

DixieNormas · 06/12/2015 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 06/12/2015 18:15

But for the sake of argument, if I did allow him to stay, then yes it would be age dependent. If he was under 18, I would contact his parents.

Why 18?

What if the parents of the 18 year old DC who your DD brought home believed that 18 was too young (like the OP does) and wanted their DS to wait until they were older before having sex?

PrettyBrightFireflies · 06/12/2015 18:17

What? Parents should not tell their kids, if they think they're making a mistake. That's terrible parenting!

Not at all - trying to enforce your own views on your DC's is terrible parenting, imo.

Counselling your DC to think of the possible outcomes of their choices is one thing, tellnig them that they are "wrong" are sad/disappointed/angry that they think the way they do is a sure way to alienate your DCs, imo.

DixieNormas · 06/12/2015 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShebaShimmyShake · 06/12/2015 18:22

Oh ffs, having consensual and legal sex is not comparable to going into a war zone. If you're finding that it is, perhaps you need a safeword.

dimots · 06/12/2015 18:23

You can't join the Army at 16 without parental consent. And if my son brought home a 16 yr old to stay the night, yes I would contact her parents - if only to check she really was 16! I have known parents get caught out like that when their son's girlfriend turns out to be 15 or even 14 rather than the 16 they were told.

DinosaursRoar · 06/12/2015 18:26

Ah, so you've home ed her as well? OK, OP, you have had a lot more control over your teenager than most parents, as a single parent, there's not another parent day to day you have to check little decisions with, so it's unlikely that you've had to face up to your opinion not being the one that matters before.

I don't mean this in a harsh way, but you do need to accept that your DD's sex life is actually none of your business. You can say no to the boyfriend staying over at your house, because you own the house and can refuse to allow someone else to stay in it, but you don't own your DD, so you can't refuse to allow her to have sex if she wants to. As you have found, while you can ban someone from being in your home, you can't make someone who's over 16 be in your home if they don't want to be. All you can do is allow them to be there, not insist on it.

The stuff about wanting to do more with her life, you seem to assume now she's had sex with this boyfriend, they are going to live together, get jobs and responsibilities, possibly marry and she cant do any of the other 'live a bit' stuff as well - and given your strong moral approach to sex, it's possibly because you view sex as a big deal and a sign of long term commitment. And while she might well think she loves him now, doesn't mean she really does and won't do any of that stuff as well.

I was convinced I loved the boy I lost my virginity to, but there were several other boyfriends before I met the now DH.

Make it hard for her to be with him while living with you is the best way you can stop her achieving everything you want her to do with her life. If she's forced to choose, she'll probably pick him, think they are some sort of star crossed lovers and all that nonsense. That doesn't mean you have to allow him to stay over in your home, but you have to accept she'll probably spend the night at his home sometimes.

Say sorry for acting like you have rights over her body. Tell her you are struggling with her growing up and becoming a woman in her own right. Tell her if she wants to talk to you about any of this or anything else, you'll try very hard not to lecture and accept it if she decides not to take your advice.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 06/12/2015 18:28

And if my son brought home a 16 yr old to stay the night, yes I would contact her parents - if only to check she really was 16!

Why would you trust her parents to tell you the truth? They may be happy for their underage DD to spend the night with your DS.

Surely, if you distrust your DS and his GF, then asking for ID is a more reliable check than calling her parents?

Whichever method of "checking" you use, I suspect it would put a big dent in your DS's respect for you - and probably drive him away from home.