To expect a phone call and backing from another parent?

[MJ686]

My first post here, advice needed please.

Put yourself in my shoes please ..

Single mum of 16yr old daughter. She has an 18yr old boyfriend, she met him in July. She had asked me previously if she could have a sleep over at his house, the answer from me was NO. She ran away and stayed with her elder brother for a fortnight during an almighty row with me about putting her boyfriend before her studies. I've since found out that she's had sex with her boyfriend and that whilst staying at her brothers she has been allowed by the boyfriend's Mum and Dad to sleep over at their house and sleep in the boyfriend's bed with him.

Shocked, hurt and angry are only a few of the emotions I am feeling right now, but I think the worst is the betrayal I feel from the other parents. Isn't there an unspoken parental code where we are all supposed to back each other up and support each other? I know if my 18yr old son had brought a girl home and said, "Hey, it's ok if we sleep together here tonight, Mum, you're cool with that, right?" Well, firstly, I wouldn't ever allow that as I am not as liberal as I am being told I should be! And secondly, even if I was liberal, I would have said, "Whoa! Hold your horses Boy, does her Mum know she's here and does she have permision for that? Yes? Ok, let's just check shall we, what's your Mum's number, let me give her a call".

I asked my daughter if his Mum had even spoken to her about contraception or safe sex, of course the answer was NO, yet she willingly allowed them to sleep together, during a time that SHE KNEW my daughter was having a teenage strop and arguing with me, so she was hardly in a place where she wanted to talk to me about being safe, she was in a vunerable place and still his parents allowed this.

I'm so very angry about this and can't see how I can get over how I feel. The two kids are, of course, professing undying love for each other and telling me I should just "get over it as not everyone has the same morals as you" and "everyone's doing it now, it's normal for 16yr olds" "you come from a different era" and "wouldn't you rather we were doing it somewhere safe". God, I haven't even met his parents, but I hate them already.

PrettyBrightFireflies What if the parents of the 18 year old DC who your DD brought home believed that 18 was too young (like the OP does) and wanted their DS to wait until they were older before having sex?

No, I never said that, at 18 you can drink and vote and get your own a bleeding phone contract. I do think that 16 was too young 'for my daughter' and when I said if I could have had my time over, I would have waited, it was not because I was a prude or think that 18 or 19 is too young it's only because I wish I'd given myself time to find myself, to know who I was and my place in this world. Because I was raised as a Jehovahs Witness, REALLY REALLY strict upbringing, and no sex before marriage and all that crap, I rebelled and left at 18, I was cast out and had no one to turn to, so I fumbled my way through and made too many wrong choices, that yes, I do regret. Is it so bad that I wished for my daughter to have a little more maturity and life experience first?

Well, the OP said her DD and this boy were friends first, so it's highly likely the parents of the boy already know her age and that she's over 16.

The problem is you have no idea what your dd told her bf's parents. As far as they were concerned she was estranged from you and living independently with her brother. Do you even know them well enough to have each other's contact details? You are rather naive to think they wouldn't have found somewhere else to go had they intervened. Don't rely on your dd's version of events alone.

oh OP, your last post, sex is a life experience. Lots of people have sex for just fun, not really because it's a big deal in itself. Your DD might turn out to be someone who doesn't really view sex as a sign of commitment.

She's not you, she's not grown up in your childhood - having sex shouldn't need to be something that changes her life, unless you decide to make it something that will change her life.

Is it so bad that I wished for my daughter to have a little more maturity and life experience first?

Before what? Why does she need life experience and maturity before having a sexual relationship?

Are there other activities that you think she is too immature and inexperienced for?

As sexiest as it maybe we treat sons differently to our daughters. The fear of vunerablity is more concerning for a mum of a daughter being she could end up pregnant at a young age and utlimately it can be the girl let holding the baby not always the case but happens. This is life changing and can be overwhelming to someone so young. I understand your fears but unfortunately you cannot stop her actions or feelings but you can ensure shes safe in a safe envirnoment with the apprioate protection in place inorder to prevent this from happening. Pregnancy can occur at any age i was 20 at university my final year and had been so naive one time and when i had always been safe other times. He utilmately left me for someone else but it didn't ruin my life I have a fab DH DS,DD and a third on the way.

Having sex (legally, consensually) is a way to gain maturity and life experience. I just don't understand how people think teenagers can ever gain an adult perspective on these things without actually doing them. Nor do I understand the idea that everyone over a certain age is so mature and responsible. Just look at the Relationships and Dating forums for plenty of examples of people well, well, well into adulthood who behave far less sensibly than a lot of teens...

Derailing here, sorry OP.

Loving reading about all the parents that are having conversations about consent with their children. So important. I salute you.

OP, in my opinion it is really, really unusual to 'know yourself and your place in the world' before having sex. In fact, your early sexual relationships are usually a big part in finding out about yourself.

OP yabu to expect the other parents to "back you up", shes 16. You are not happy, if the other parents told you she may feel ganged up on and then she is really isolated.

What can you do to open the communication between you two? You could be invaluable to her during this time.

I can understand the significance you place on sex because it coincided with a period in your life where you broke away from your old life. However, for many, many people sex is just a part of life.

There are also big issues about how sex should be perceived and regarded, especially for girls, most of which just aren't true for everyone because we're not all the same.

Your daughter can have all the things you wish for her and an active sex life if she wants.

Personally I wish my mother had been less domineering (a bit like you're being op) and more approachable. It might have meant I didn't make some relationship decisions that with hindsight I would not have made had I had more self worth. But then again sometimes we have to make mistakes to learn from those mistakes

Before what? Why does she need life experience and maturity before having a sexual relationship?

You are seriously asking why someone needs maturity before having a sexual relationship?

Are there other activities that you think she is too immature and inexperienced for?

Probably lots. I have a 16yo DS, and I could be here all evening listing things he's not mature enough and experienced enough to cope with.

I have a 16yo DS, and I could be here all evening listing things he's not mature enough and experienced enough to cope with.

So why have you not equiped him with the skills to "cope" with things that he is legally considered old enough for?

Keeping our DC's "young" is doing them a diservice - they should be able to cope with whatever life throws at them at the age society deems them old enough - not protected from life because their parents deem it "too soon".

And just how is he supposed to gain maturity and experience if he never actually does anything???

Moving
You posted a link to a poll. How does that substantiate the comment that millions of children 16 and under are having sex?

Why have I not equiped him with the skills to "cope" with things he is legally considered old enough for?

Maybe because not all daffodils flower on the same day.

He is amazingly talented at certain things, but he just isn't ready for other things, such as taking on a part time job over Christmas. He just couldn't cope with the stress of working in a shop or restaurant for example like his peers do, although I'm sure one day he will be able to, just not yet.

I don't "keep him young". He has done amazingly well to cope with challenges life has thrown at him. I have been reflecting this weekend at how much he has matured recently, and have been amazed at how well he has coped this weekend with a situation which would have previously resulted in a melt down. I
Should we all have equipped our DC to be mature enough to be sexually active by the time they are 16? I should have a word with my parents! I certainly wasn't mature enough at that age. Just like I wasn't mature enough to be married at 18. Luckily I was wise enough to see it...my parents had prepared me enough to know my own limitations and boundaries.

"I just wished for her to have 'lived' more before she did this. For various reason, health issues, a year behind with her studies and home educated because of her health issues, she has not had a huge social life, so all I wanted for her was to finish her exams this June, go to college in Sept, meet more people, make more friends, socialise, get out there and involved in the world AND THEN see who would be the best fit for her, instead of falling for her one and ONLY friend. I just wished for her to have just met and interacted with more boys before she decided who was right (even if that did still ended up being this boy) so she could just be as sure as she could be. That's all I wished and hoped for."

That's what YOU wished and hoped for , for HER, and I daresay many of us parents of teens viewing the onset of sexual relationships with many feelings, including dread, apprehension, fear, concern, and feelings of our own about a new stage in their lives of independence.

Your dd and her bf have a close relationship, and profess mutual love. They are young so the chances are that he will not be 'the one', but it doesn't sound as if she has been pressured, or taken advantage of, it sounds as if she is happy and confident in HER choices.

Surely, SURELY, the most important thing is a good relationship with your loved dd? Take a step back. She is not living the life you wish you had led, it is not her job to be the teen you were or wanted to be. She made choices that were not what you would have chosen had you been able to keep her on remote control. But it is her life.

Take a step back look at ways in which you may have over-reacted, talk to her about this, and repair the relationship so that when she DOES need you she has a parent who she trusts to listen to things from her pov.

Please, OP, do not let this tear your relationship with your child apart.

Should we all have equipped our DC to be mature enough to be sexually active by the time they are 16? I should have a word with my parents! I certainly wasn't mature enough at that age. Just like I wasn't mature enough to be married at 18. Luckily I was wise enough to see it...my parents had prepared me enough to know my own limitations and boundaries.

Exactly! Whereas the OP believes that her DD is "not mature and experienced enough" to cope with a sexual relationship. If she is right, then neither has she equipped her DD with the skills to recognise her own limitations - if she had, the DD would not have left home and spent the night at her BF house!

You asked for statistics, I provided statistics Supermanspants. You can interpret those for yourself and you will find the methodology at the end of the article.

Fwiw I think the poster you refer to said "Millions have sex at 16 or under" not "millions of children 16 and under are having sex". Those statements are not the same because the former would be a cumulative figure (so potentially millions) while the latter would just apply to those aged 16 or under at one particular time (potentially not millions in a population of 70 million or so).

I hope that's useful :) I'm not a statistician although I am trained in producing and understanding statistics for the purposes of my work.

And just how is he supposed to gain maturity and experience if he never actually does anything???

If that's aimed at me, my DS does an awful lot. Everyday he gains maturity, and works towards independence. He's just not ready for everything today. I can see my 12yo could cope with situations better than DS1, even though he's much younger, and it would be thought scandalous to expose a 12yo to the same situations a 16yo is legally expected to cope with.

Obviously the OP and her DD have different ideas about what the DD is ready/mature enough for. I truly hope the DD has judged this right, and doesn't have any regrets.

SevenSeconds OP, in my opinion it is really, really unusual to 'know yourself and your place in the world' before having sex. In fact, your early sexual relationships are usually a big part in finding out about yourself.

Thank you for your comment, it made me take a deep breath. You're probably very right and have made me think that a lot of my thinking on this is perhaps because of my hang-ups and bad experiences. I love my daughter so much. She has been through so much and I just want to keep her safe forever and not have her feel as lost as I did. Yet my fear turned to anger and hurt and I have been unable to communicate that.

I know I have to move my stance to keep her close and not loose her and I will.

As for the other parents, I'm sorry, I hear many of the posters views and whilst a few do agree with me, many don't and I get your reasons why, but I personally, would always look out for another parent, I would back-up another parent. Raising kids and keeping them safe is SO hard and more so when they are teenagers, so if we can all just be given a little help and back-up along the way from other caring parents, wouldn't that make everyones lives that tiny bit easier?

I think sometimes the regret we can feel about our earliest sexual experiences can come from shame layered upon girls in particular.
I try to make sure that all my message to my DC about contraception and consent and simply being ready for sex, is that sex is hugely enjoyable.

Maybe, sometimes, our first experience is earlier than we were quite ready.
That's not great but most of us survive that.
If that 'mistake' is overlaid with the distress and regret and disapproval of our parent, that must be worse.

I hope my children are ready. But I also hope they have full happy lives and relationships and sex is part of that.

I truly hope the DD has judged this right, and doesn't have any regrets.

You attributed your own judgement at that age to the preparation your parents gave you in being able to know your own limitations and boundaries.

So if the Op's DD is wrong about this and subsequently regrets her decision, then presumably, her poor judgement of her own readiness can be attributed to the OPs parenting?

Nobody is ready for "everything today". We are all works in progress, no matter how old we are. Your son's not 12, that's the point. He's 16 - able to consent to sex legally, or rather, to decide for himself whether or not he wants to.

It is simply ridiculous the number of parents who seem to think their teenagers will gain adult maturity on relationships without HAVING an adult relationship.

Even if the OP's daughter has judged this wrong, and comes to the conclusion that she wishes she'd waited longer before losing her virginity - that's also an experience! Mistakes are experiences, mistakes are how we grow.

Personally I wish I'd had sex for the first time EARLIER.

Your mistake is expecting other parents to have the same opinions.
You can tell by a thread on here about giving a 6 yr old a glass of Coke that this is not the case. It gets worse as they get into teens and some parents are quite happy to provide alcohol when under age.
By 16yrs you are going to have to trust to their upbringing - it is too late to impose things. You need to keep the lines of communication open. Don't give them the position of 'star crossed lovers' - it throws them together.