To expect a phone call and backing from another parent?

[MJ686]

My first post here, advice needed please.

Put yourself in my shoes please ..

Single mum of 16yr old daughter. She has an 18yr old boyfriend, she met him in July. She had asked me previously if she could have a sleep over at his house, the answer from me was NO. She ran away and stayed with her elder brother for a fortnight during an almighty row with me about putting her boyfriend before her studies. I've since found out that she's had sex with her boyfriend and that whilst staying at her brothers she has been allowed by the boyfriend's Mum and Dad to sleep over at their house and sleep in the boyfriend's bed with him.

Shocked, hurt and angry are only a few of the emotions I am feeling right now, but I think the worst is the betrayal I feel from the other parents. Isn't there an unspoken parental code where we are all supposed to back each other up and support each other? I know if my 18yr old son had brought a girl home and said, "Hey, it's ok if we sleep together here tonight, Mum, you're cool with that, right?" Well, firstly, I wouldn't ever allow that as I am not as liberal as I am being told I should be! And secondly, even if I was liberal, I would have said, "Whoa! Hold your horses Boy, does her Mum know she's here and does she have permision for that? Yes? Ok, let's just check shall we, what's your Mum's number, let me give her a call".

I asked my daughter if his Mum had even spoken to her about contraception or safe sex, of course the answer was NO, yet she willingly allowed them to sleep together, during a time that SHE KNEW my daughter was having a teenage strop and arguing with me, so she was hardly in a place where she wanted to talk to me about being safe, she was in a vunerable place and still his parents allowed this.

I'm so very angry about this and can't see how I can get over how I feel. The two kids are, of course, professing undying love for each other and telling me I should just "get over it as not everyone has the same morals as you" and "everyone's doing it now, it's normal for 16yr olds" "you come from a different era" and "wouldn't you rather we were doing it somewhere safe". God, I haven't even met his parents, but I hate them already.

How do you know what his parents knew? Do you think the kids told them your views?

But she was safe OP, as far as her boyfriends parents were concerned. She was safe under their roof.

Oh wow. Chill out. Your daughter is 16, it is legal for her to have sex. You might not like it but as long as she is having safe consensual sex, it is none of your damn business. Her body, her choice.

With your current attitude, all you're going to do is push her -further- away

She's 16, as you have found out, she can move out now if shes not happy with you.I think you are at a real risk of alienating her and pushing her away altogether. Its only sex. Have you talked to her calmly about contraception and safe sex and ensured she is on it or are you going to not help her get that sorted because you can't bear the thought of her having sex.

I think you need to accept she is growing up. At least if she was at home you could check she's studying enough. Its all about balance. If you were reasonable and calm and treated her with a bit more respect you could come to a reasonable agreement about when she studies and when she sees her boyfriend. At least she is in a relationship and not just sleeping around.

I suppose it would of been good for the parents to call but I guess they have heard from her how unreasonable you are and so didn't see the point.

His mother probably thought that it was better to let them sleep together than have them both run away. She is 16. How are on earth are you going to stop her - fit her with a chastity belt? She is old enough to go to the drs on her own to ask for the pill. I believe they teach about safe sex in schools these days.

They didn't back you up because you are wrong on this one.

If I were you I would focus on your relationship with your daughter rather than worrying everyone else isn't parenting her well enough. You have some work to do.

I can see you feel hurt and betrayed by what has happened but neither your DD nor her boyfriend have done anything wrong. If you want to repair your relationship with your DD you will have to accept her as young adult who is also a sexual being and who is making her own choices.

Sit down with her mother to daughter. Talk to her about her choices and allow her to make these even though you think she is making choices which you don't like or approve of. If she senses your disapproval you will push her further away.

Her bf's parents do not need your permission to allow your DD to stay with them. She can make that choice for herself. Don't hate them. You are directing your anger at the wrong people.

Keep lines of communication open with your DD and allow her to come back as an adult not as a child.

Just because she can legally have sex doesn't mean that OP has to let it happen in her house with someone herdaughter has known for just 5months!

OP, I'm not really sure who you are most angry at though.

People are being abit harsh with their responses here. The OP is just taken back by the situation. We all guilty of going off the handle and being in the wrong. Advise people with respect. I think maybe the age different could be a bit concern due to one be able to drink the other not, not to meantion experience levels. That been said i was 16 almost 17 and dated a 21 i was honest with my parents and he was the sweetest person not a typical 21year like most. I've had worse bfs tho that have treated my terribly that were the same age. I would give the lad the benefit of the doubt first.

diddl I don't think most people think the OP has to let it happen in her house. Just that if she doesnt allow it to happen in her house, she shouldnt assume that it won't be happening in the boyfriends house.

You don't need to "approve". Your approval is of no consequence because she's old enough to have sex.

Whether she is "in love" or not is irrelevant.

Her boyfriend's mother has no business discussing contraception with her and was right not to do so. Her job was to make sure that her son knows about condoms, and how to treat women with care and respect.

The fact that they were friends in July but are now paired up is perfectly normal, because many couples start off as friends.

You're doing a great job of pushing her away, alienating her. Thank heavens she has your son to turn to. Please reconsider, for your own sake. You sound like a caring person who'd be devastated by a breakdown in your relationship with her.

It is not legal for a 16 year old to get married without parental consent unless they are in Scotland. My pov is that if you are not old enough to drive, vote, drink alcohol, join the army or support yourself financially, then you are not an adult and your parents should know where you are!

It's all very well saying that a 16 year old could move out if they wanted, but the majority could only do this if an adult other than their parents was willing to step in and facilitate it. The OP does not want the boyfriend's parents doing this for her child. And 16 is still a child whether the 16 year old in question wants to admit it or not. I think age of consent is too low tbh.

I would not allow a 16 year old to share a bedroom with my 18 year old without her parents agreement. Just hecause something is legal, that doesn't make it right for all circumstances.

I think you must allow for the possibility that your daughter assured her boyfriends parents that you were perfectly happy for her to be there.

If my had asked if his girlfriend could stay over I would ask her if her parents were aware and had agreed but I would assume she was telling the truth if she said yes. I would not phone the mother of a 16 year old.

I think your anger with the parents is misplaced.

Why should someone else's mother have the safe sex talk with your daughter? Why should someone else change their house rules to be the same as yours?

She's 16. Very young, but able to consent in law. I would understand if you hadn't met the boyfriend, if he were much, much older, if he were a one night stand or got a bad vibe from him. If they are in an established relationship and you have met him and he seems to be a decent fellow, I seriously can't see the problem.

I was on a similar thread a while ago, with parents frothing at the mouth at the idea that their children, though legally able to consent as sexual adults and in established relationships of months standing, wanted to have their partners overnight. Not one of them had a reason beyond "it makes me uncomfortable". And we berate teenagers for being icked out by their parents' sexuality!

When I was 19, my father flatly refused to let me have my boyfriend stay over, even though we were both over 18 and were in a very established relationship (we'd met at Scout camp, for fuck's sake). Like the parents on the other thread, he had a rather disturbing proprietorial approach to it all; lots of talk of 'my house', 'my roof', 'my' this and 'my' that.

So we drove out to the nature reserve and had sex in public places instead, which I'm sure was much safer and more preferable. Except for when the parents were out, and then we had sex in the house anyway. If you think your little princess isn't doing the same, well, er....

Her bedroom in her house is the safest possible place. Even if the relationship is abusive, she has much more power to get him out or keep him away when she's on her home ground, and you are much more likely to spot the signs.

Oh, and as for your dismissive attitude towards their young love...yes, they are very young, no, it probably isn't going to last forever, but how the hell else are they going to learn adult perspectives on relationships and develop any emotional maturity? Why do people just expect youngsters to pop from 16 to 25-year-old emotional maturity without experience?

Besides, you only have to have a look at the Relationships and Dating forums to see countless examples of people much, much older than they are displaying the level of emotional maturity and responsibility you'd expect from children.

I understand how you feel, but I don't think it's fair for you to criticise the other parents.

They did see that your dd was safe, and they had no need to talk to your dd about contraception if they believe they have done a decent job of educating their own son on the subject.

Like it or not, your dd is old enough to choose whether or not she has sex, and it's better for it to be in a parental home than anywhere else. You need to stop fighting against what your dd wants, she is going to make up her own mind more and more as she gets older, and your job is to support her as much as you can in making the most sensible choices. I know it's hard, but she will be growing up fast and there are some things that you just don't have the power to prevent anymore.

"If you think your little princess isn't doing the same, well, er...."

That's pretty unpleasant ShebaShimmyShake.

The op may be off target in her irritation at this situation but 'your little princess' is gratuitously rude.

Mothers of boys are all too happy (in general) to lay all blame on the girl and her parents, have we not moved on from men being unable to help themselves and it being up to the girl to say no/keep her legs crossed or face the consequences. It's about time more young men were brought up to take responsibility and for their parents to realise that they are responsible for how their sons treat women.

OP, the boyfriend or his mother should have contacted you, your daughter is not an adult, she is however of a legal age to be having sex, are all 16 year olds mature enough to deal with all that having a sex life entails, possibly not, that's why they aren't counted as adult. Parents and adult boyfriends therefore need to understand it's not as simple as 'being old enough', so no, YANBU, but you do need to find a way of repairing your relationship with your daughter and helping her to deal with taking responsiblity for being sexually active because noone else is going to help her.

That's a hugely sweeping statement.
I have two sons. I have been talking to them about their responsibilities since they were old enough to understand about sex. They had the contraception talk really early. They had contraceptives as soon as they even thought that they might be thinking about sex. And they have definitely been brought up to regard the feelings of a girlfriend/sexual partner as extremely important.
We have had, and continue to have conversations about consent.

It's a laugh a minute at our house.

I know you added the caveat of (in general) but I think 'contraception is up to the girl) is becoming outmoded. Not as fast as it should maybe but please don't suggest women don't pass this stuff on yo their sons. Lots of us do.

His parents knew I didn't want her to sleep over there as I had previously told the kids I didn't approve.

But it's not your decision to make.

Should you let them sleep together because his parents do?

I didn't want DD2 sleeping with her boyfriend in my house, even though she was over 16. However, I didn't want them to go off and have sex somewhere unsafe, either, so I bit the bullet and told her she could have him sleep over. He, it turned out, wasn't ready for sex and so they didn't DTD. While I know that it is unrealistic to expect the kids to wait for marriage, I have had to acknowledge that what I did - and was expected to do at their age - is different from now. Am I unhappy that DD1 is not married to the father of her child? Yes. Have I said that to her? No, of course not. All you can do is prepare your children to take responsibility for their own actions.

At the time the DD stayed at the BF house, was she living with her brother? Because if she was and he had assumed responsibility for her, then it is between them. OP had the option of getting her daughter back home, but for whatever reason decided not to so the brother was in loco parentis.

You sound lovely Sheba

OP you are getting a bit of a shoeing on this thread. I can understand how you are feeling. Yes the law states that 16 is legal for sex but it doesn't mean a girl is anywhere emotionally ready for that level of intimacy. In my work I have seen the dreadful fallout of 16 year old girls engaging in sexual r'ship's before they are ready.
Parents will have different views about sex so it may well be the lad's parents are much more laid back about it all. This difference would make it difficult for parents to support each other as you have mentioned.

Don't cut if lines of communication with your DD. She needs you and needs to know you won't judge her or go off at the deep end where sex is concerned.

OP, I so agree with you.

It is about consistency: I can't condone my 16 yo to have sex (and by allowing overnight stay, I would), because what happens if the girl gets pregnant? (I do know about contraception, but none is 100%!). It's my job as a parent to guide them.
(not even mentioning the fact that it's a terrible example for the little ones!)

My kids know that really, they are free to get married and have a child when they want, provided they can take care of their family. That means a job, a place to live, and no longer living off the bank of mum and dad. If you are too young to live like an adult (and prefer the fun of being a teen, travelling, going to Uni), then you are too young to have an adult relationship.