To expect a phone call and backing from another parent?

[MJ686]

My first post here, advice needed please.

Put yourself in my shoes please ..

Single mum of 16yr old daughter. She has an 18yr old boyfriend, she met him in July. She had asked me previously if she could have a sleep over at his house, the answer from me was NO. She ran away and stayed with her elder brother for a fortnight during an almighty row with me about putting her boyfriend before her studies. I've since found out that she's had sex with her boyfriend and that whilst staying at her brothers she has been allowed by the boyfriend's Mum and Dad to sleep over at their house and sleep in the boyfriend's bed with him.

Shocked, hurt and angry are only a few of the emotions I am feeling right now, but I think the worst is the betrayal I feel from the other parents. Isn't there an unspoken parental code where we are all supposed to back each other up and support each other? I know if my 18yr old son had brought a girl home and said, "Hey, it's ok if we sleep together here tonight, Mum, you're cool with that, right?" Well, firstly, I wouldn't ever allow that as I am not as liberal as I am being told I should be! And secondly, even if I was liberal, I would have said, "Whoa! Hold your horses Boy, does her Mum know she's here and does she have permision for that? Yes? Ok, let's just check shall we, what's your Mum's number, let me give her a call".

I asked my daughter if his Mum had even spoken to her about contraception or safe sex, of course the answer was NO, yet she willingly allowed them to sleep together, during a time that SHE KNEW my daughter was having a teenage strop and arguing with me, so she was hardly in a place where she wanted to talk to me about being safe, she was in a vunerable place and still his parents allowed this.

I'm so very angry about this and can't see how I can get over how I feel. The two kids are, of course, professing undying love for each other and telling me I should just "get over it as not everyone has the same morals as you" and "everyone's doing it now, it's normal for 16yr olds" "you come from a different era" and "wouldn't you rather we were doing it somewhere safe". God, I haven't even met his parents, but I hate them already.

So pleased to read your update OP! Well done for taking our advice on the chin and using it to improve your relationship with your DD. Wishing you both all the best.

I'm glad you have made up with her. I do think that you need to stop talking about "teenage strops" and "pushing boundaries" though as it is quite patronising and condescending. Whilst she may not agree with you on this issue her opinion is just as valid.

I am so glad to hear that OP

marynary I do believe that boundaries are still very important even for 16 year olds, they are not yet adults and I would advocate that most still do need them. I don't think that I am being patronising or condescending describing what happened (ie, her running away because of an argument) as a 'teenage strop' because, for us, it was just that. Even my daughter admits it herself.

'I'm so sorry I had such a strop mum and got so stubborn and wouldn't let you talk to me, I just didn't want to give in and I wanted you to see my point of view' is what she said to me.

In the end I did see some of her points and she saw some of mine too, hence a happy compromise. The thing that makes it, in my opinion a 'strop' and that might just be my term, not yours, is that as 'adults' we wouldn't pack a couple of outfits and refuse to come home until we got our way, would we? I know I wouldn't. We'd try to talk it through, sometimes maybe sulk for a few days, but we'd get there in the end, I'd like to hope. I know that to a teenager, mine anyway, everything can 'seem' bigger and worse than it actually is and some have not yet developed the skill to deal with things without having a 'strop'. If you look at me, I came on here, in effect, having a 'strop' things, to me, seemed worse than they actually were, yet I listened, calmed down, thought it through and changed my stance in the space of a day. My daughter, refused to hardly communicate and stood her ground for three weeks!

I'm really glad that you and your dd talked things through MJ, and that you've worked through a compromise solution that you are both OK with. I hope that it works and you have a harmonious and happy few years ahead.

I have teens and yes of course they are at times completely unreasonable, however sometimes it's because they have little true power or control. As an adult if I want to do something my other disapproves of (plenty!) I just do it, no need to fight because I have autonomy. Often our older children do not, and so they take different approaches because that's all they think they have at hand.

In some ways it's quite impressive that your dd stood her ground for three weeks. She obviously felt very passionately that she needed some more autonomy. OP, you have been very gracious here, and you obviously do have a good relationship with your much loved dd, but you might want to reflect whether you would have given her the freedom she has asked for if your dd had tried to go straight for negotiation without her show of power as it were. As parents we do hold most of the cards at this stage.

YABU, and you know it. Everything she has said to you about it is reasonable. She's 16, not 12.

marynary I do believe that boundaries are still very important even for 16 year olds, they are not yet adults and I would advocate that most still do need them. I don't think that I am being patronising or condescending describing what happened (ie, her running away because of an argument) as a 'teenage strop' because, for us, it was just that. Even my daughter admits it herself.

Well you wouldn't think that your tone is patronising or condescending would you? I disagree. And no "we adults" wouldn't pack a bag and refuse to come home until we "get our way" but we don't need to do that to get people to listen to us and compromise do we?

But that's my point marynary As 'adults' we wouldn't expect that we would get all 'our own way' would we? We would talk things through and compromise. My teenager and I suspect other teenagers do this too, set out her demands as XYZ, then blocked all communication for three weeks because she couldn't have XYZ. An adult would have come to a quicker understanding that a compromise was the solution, ie, accept XY and drop Z.

nooka Thank you. Yes, you are right, I have reflected on that, and from here on will be helping her to understand that negotiation and compromise is the way forward and I accept that we did hit a stumbling block there and I am fixing that now.

But that's my point marynary As 'adults' we wouldn't expect that we would get all 'our own way' would we? We would talk things through and compromise. My teenager and I suspect other teenagers do this too, set out her demands as XYZ, then blocked all communication for three weeks because she couldn't have XYZ. An adult would have come to a quicker understanding that a compromise was the solution, ie, accept XY and drop Z.

But you weren't compromising either to begin with were you? You were only willing to compromise after she blocked all communication for three weeks.

And also, adults can expect to get "all our own" way in situations such as your dds.

Actually, I was compromising, even before she ran away on a lot of things. The problem was, that she wanted everything and couldn't see a way to compromise back, and I accept that some of my views were blocking her being able to see a way and I adjusted that.

But what I think you are saying marynary is that she should have got XYZ in her situation? So do you really believe that a caring parent should not push for compromise when a crazy in love, can't see or think straight because of it, 16 year old girl, who is behind with her education should get her own way and just drop her studies? This was more than just the boyfriend and sex, I said in my first post that she was putting him before her education hence the argument that sent her running. My daughter was a very high achiever and at one point in her life had her sights (not mine) set on Oxford or Cambridge. Health issues hit and she adjusted what she wanted for her future and set her sights on a countryside course instead at college, with just enough gcse's & A'levels, that if she ever changes her mind again, she can go to Uni later in life is she so wished. But all of a sudden, gcse's and A'levels don't matter to her anymore, because she is not thinking straight. But according to you, I should just let her drop out of education, no questions asked and allow her 'all her own way'. REALLY?

But her 'strop' did achieve what she wanted- you to listen and to reach a compromise. It was unfortunate that it took drastic measures to get to that stage. However- good that you did.

Hi op I understand where your coming from. I'd be upset too.

MN is a funny place sometimes, if your a step parent your DSc are to be supposed to be treated like children until they are 18 yet when dds start having a sexual relationship at 16 we are supposed to treat them like adults - hell most people still claim child benifits for them.

I don't think girls are emotionally mature at 16 to have sex and I do think it should be discouraged. It's somthing I spent many hours discussing with dd1 - who incidentally, I had at 16.

All you can do now op is build bridges and get her home, get her on reliable contraception and try and work round her education. Talk talk and more talk.

But what I think you are saying marynary is that she should have got XYZ in her situation? So do you really believe that a caring parent should not push for compromise when a crazy in love, can't see or think straight because of it, 16 year old girl, who is behind with her education should get her own way and just drop her studies?

When exactly did I suggest that a caring parent would agree to their 16 year old dropping all her studies? Your OP wasn't about that. It was about the fact that your 16 year old daughter wanted to sleep with her 18 year old boyfriend after knowing him for a few months. That isn't an outrageous request. Many people would consider it quite reasonable. You didn't push for a compromise. You just said "NO". You are only now compromising now because she "blocked all communication" for three weeks.

I'm glad you and dd are talking now op! Compromises sound good.
Maybe after she has had health problems she has just started to change her mind?
I have been in the same position.

I don't agree that 16 is too young for every girl ( why just girls??) too have sex at all.
Some on here including myself have said we were perfectly ready at 16.
I didn't disobey my parents on many things, except for this.
They wouldn't let me stay over and would have stopped me seeing my bf if they thought i was having sex, so i simply hid it.
I was always prepared, we'd gone to the doctor regarding contraception together and i knew there was never any pressure on me. If i changed my mind he'd have been fine with it.
Just because some people have sex at 16 doesn't it's encouraging them to have casual sex.
I've never had casual sex in my life.

I repeat, good on you OP for sorting things out with your DD and being gracious enough to come back on and update. It is far from easy to get a shedload of criticism, take it onboard, sort things with your DD and make the effort to come back to tell us about it.

I think praise is deserved for how you have responded on the thread. And I don't think your actions now need further dissection, seems harsh.

marynary Because one of her XYZ demands WAS her studies (see first post) and you DID say, in her situation even an adult would expect to get ALL HER OWN WAY.

Ok, so you haven't read my posts, or understood much, I've tried, but I know not to waste anymore time on you...

"Breathe" ... ( whispers to self)

The important thing is that my daughter and I understand each other and some comments on here have been very very helpful.

I don't know why I'm taking the bait now when I didn't before, I guess it's that maybe I'd hoped after my update that other parents would be happy to see a good outcome which many have, thank you.

I guess I didn't expect the bashing to contine.

your 16 year old daughter wanted to sleep with her 18 year old boyfriend after knowing him for a few months. That isn't an outrageous request. Many people would consider it quite reasonable.

Wow. I certainly would not find it a reasonable request. A few months is not a hugely long time in my book.

But that is exactly where we came in, SettlinginNicely - it was the stance taken by OP who has now had to have a proper discussion and is going to have to communicate and reach compromises.

marynary Because one of her XYZ demands WAS her studies (see first post) and you DID say, in her situation even an adult would expect to get ALL HER OWN WAY.

When I said that an adult would expect to get all their own way, I referring to sleeping with their partner.

It appreciate that you think your daughter is "putting her boyfriend before her studies" but you didn't say that she was demanding to drop her studies.

Wow. I certainly would not find it a reasonable request. A few months is not a hugely long time in my book.

Many people would think it reasonable though. It certainly isn't an outrageous request in my opinion.

I would not think it was reasonable for my 16 year old to be having sex with some one she had only just met a few months ago.

It really comes down to what the 16yr old thinks- which is why communication is needed. Otherwise they are quite likely to be very secretive.

It really comes down to what the 16yr old thinks

Would you feel that way about anything? Is there no limit?

Of course I wouldn't want her having sex with a new boyfriend but you have to be realistic and not all 16 yr olds are going to simply buckle down and do as they are told! OP is taking her DD to the doctors to discuss contraception. Her DD took a rather extreme way to get a discussion. Many would just do it in secret. Even my great aunt (born 1900) used to have funny stories about what she got up to that her mother didn't know about- not sex at that time -but things to horrify her very strict mother.
It is nothing new. If you are lucky you don't have the problem- but many do. You can't just lay down the law and be entirely sure that it is followed.