Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a phone call and backing from another parent?

354 replies

MJ686 · 06/12/2015 15:43

My first post here, advice needed please.

Put yourself in my shoes please ..

Single mum of 16yr old daughter. She has an 18yr old boyfriend, she met him in July. She had asked me previously if she could have a sleep over at his house, the answer from me was NO. She ran away and stayed with her elder brother for a fortnight during an almighty row with me about putting her boyfriend before her studies. I've since found out that she's had sex with her boyfriend and that whilst staying at her brothers she has been allowed by the boyfriend's Mum and Dad to sleep over at their house and sleep in the boyfriend's bed with him.

Shocked, hurt and angry are only a few of the emotions I am feeling right now, but I think the worst is the betrayal I feel from the other parents. Isn't there an unspoken parental code where we are all supposed to back each other up and support each other? I know if my 18yr old son had brought a girl home and said, "Hey, it's ok if we sleep together here tonight, Mum, you're cool with that, right?" Well, firstly, I wouldn't ever allow that as I am not as liberal as I am being told I should be! And secondly, even if I was liberal, I would have said, "Whoa! Hold your horses Boy, does her Mum know she's here and does she have permision for that? Yes? Ok, let's just check shall we, what's your Mum's number, let me give her a call".

I asked my daughter if his Mum had even spoken to her about contraception or safe sex, of course the answer was NO, yet she willingly allowed them to sleep together, during a time that SHE KNEW my daughter was having a teenage strop and arguing with me, so she was hardly in a place where she wanted to talk to me about being safe, she was in a vunerable place and still his parents allowed this.

I'm so very angry about this and can't see how I can get over how I feel. The two kids are, of course, professing undying love for each other and telling me I should just "get over it as not everyone has the same morals as you" and "everyone's doing it now, it's normal for 16yr olds" "you come from a different era" and "wouldn't you rather we were doing it somewhere safe". God, I haven't even met his parents, but I hate them already.

OP posts:
MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 06/12/2015 17:36

Just to be clear I did NOT say this which Haffdonga has said I did:

"You cannot possibly accuse someone on the internet as having issues about sex which are not normal because she didn't feel ready until 25."

Just as well I didn't do that then isn't it? Your reading comprehension is really quite poor.

NotSayingImBatman · 06/12/2015 17:39

No way would I allow my DSs to have a 16yo girlfriend over when they were 18. If it all went tits up, you can guarantee there'd be an angry parent at my door, demanding to know why I had allowed my DS to get their DD pregnant.

Original poster
MJ686 · 06/12/2015 17:40

I am getting a bashing here, but regardless, that's why I came on here, because sometimes when the anger or hurt engulfs you, it's hard to make sense of things.

As for me perhaps being a prude or controlling, well, I guess I am strict, yes, but a prude, no. I first had sex at 19 and still feel that even then, I was too young, that I wished I had waited. For my daughter (and we had discussed this, often), I just wished for her to have 'lived' more before she did this. For various reason, health issues, a year behind with her studies and home educated because of her health issues, she has not had a huge social life, so all I wanted for her was to finish her exams this June, go to college in Sept, meet more people, make more friends, socialise, get out there and involved in the world AND THEN see who would be the best fit for her, instead of falling for her one and ONLY friend. I just wished for her to have just met and interacted with more boys before she decided who was right (even if that did still ended up being this boy) so she could just be as sure as she could be. That's all I wished and hoped for.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 06/12/2015 17:41

She ran away and stayed with her elder brother for a fortnight

Why aren't you blaming him for not stopping her? You seem to be blaming other people.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 06/12/2015 17:41

She can still do all that. She's only 16 and there's plenty of time :)

Haffdonga · 06/12/2015 17:42

No. I said that part, Moving . I italicized your wording.

You cannot and should not diagnose strangers on the internet with having sexual dysfunction on the strength of a single statement they make.

I said that too.

pretend · 06/12/2015 17:43

YANBU

I'm also a single parent of a DD and no way would I be condoning sex at 16. It might be legal but that doesn't make it right. Same as smoking, it might be legal for her to buy fags but I'd still go fucking ballistic if I found out.

The boyfriends parents should have phoned you, out of courtesy. In fact, if they didn't have the manners to do that the first time she stayed I'd be questioning whether this boy was really going to be much good for her.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 06/12/2015 17:44

No, you are misquoting me and extrapolating on things that are not there.

It is really irritating.

"You cannot and should not diagnose strangers on the internet with having sexual dysfunction on the strength of a single statement they make." I DID NOT DO THAT. Do you have problems with comprehension or reading Haffdonga? Or are you just a GF?

PrettyBrightFireflies · 06/12/2015 17:45

MJ are you worried about the number of sexual partners she has?

Because as far as I can tell from what you've described, she is sure of her choice "right now", which makes it right for her - that doesn't mean she won't socialise, and meet more boys (or girls) in the future, and decide they are the 'right' sexual partner, too.

ShebaShimmyShake · 06/12/2015 17:46

OP, this is exactly the problem. It's your daughter's body, life and relationship (and she is able to consent in law), but you're still talking about "your wishes". You have to cut the cord on this one, so to speak. Your wishes shouldn't matter when it comes to someone else making decisions about their sex life. Not when it's entirely legal and consensual. She's not 13.

Teenagers are supposed to be, like, totally grossed out by their parents' sexuality, but in my experience most of them don't think or care much about it. The parents, on the other hand, are absolutely obsessed with the teenagers' and think it is somehow wrong and evil.

Your wishes count for nothing because it's not your body, life, relationship or home.

SSargassoSea · 06/12/2015 17:48

I agree, I don't think I would happily allow a 16 year old to sleep with my 18 year old under my roof without at least a chat with the DPs to inform them/ reassure them she/he is fine and that this is where they are staying.

That gives the other DP the opportunity to say - make sure they've completed their homework/ do you want me to pick them up at such a time/ etc etc

That's normal behaviour imo.

MarianneSolong · 06/12/2015 17:49

I don't think we can plan our children's lives for them. Especially not when they become increasingly independent as teenagers.

An early sexual experience with somebody who treats you unkindly may damage a person's self-esteem in the shorter term. And getting an STD or an unplanned pregnancy would be a major complication.

But for most people having a sexual relationship with someone they like and who likes them is a positive. And even if/when things get complicated that's part of growing up.

It's a shame that you don't feel positive about your own first experience of sleeping with somebody. But it really doesn't mean that your daughter has to wait until she's done A and B and C and D and E, and everything is just totally perfect.

Most of us just blunder around a bit and learn from that.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 06/12/2015 17:49

OP, I completely agree with you. I have a DS who is 18 and a DD who is 17. I wouldn't be comfortable with either sleeping here with a Partner. And if DS had a 16 y/o GF, I would be even more uncomfortable.

And, fwiw, if my DS came here with a girl, even if I was ok with them sleeping in his room (which I wouldn't be), I would DEFINITELY call the girls mum to have a chat.

It's fecking common sense! And covering your arse. Of course Parents should communicate. Oh, and if I knew the girl had rowed with her Mum over the issue, that would add 100x more urgency to contacting her Mum.

It doesn't really matter if lots of 16 year olds have had sex. Your DD hasn't (or hadn't until recently), so this is a massive step in her life. It's irrelevant that some girls have been having sex since 14 (which I find horrifying), it's about what's right for your DD, based on her maturity etc.

I wonder whether the Boyfriend has a sister? Perhaps I am more likely to say I would call the Mum, because I have a DD, so I know what I would like if this was happening with my DD.

SSargassoSea · 06/12/2015 17:49

it is somehow wrong and evil WWWWWhat? Who said that ???
NO one.

ratspeaker · 06/12/2015 17:50

Did his parents talk to your elder son?

He was in fact parenting her at the time.
She as not living with you.

ShortcutButton · 06/12/2015 17:50

I left home when I was 16 Confused

manamanah · 06/12/2015 17:52

'But my bigger point here was, why don't we back each other up as parents? His parents knew I didn't want her to sleep over there as I had previously told the kids I didn't approve. Why, just because one parent is more liberal than another, does the other parent's view or wishes count for nothing?' You don't have a point. It's not for you to approve of.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 06/12/2015 17:54

And, fwiw, if my DS came here with a girl, even if I was ok with them sleeping in his room (which I wouldn't be), I would DEFINITELY call the girls mum to have a chat.

What about if your DD came home with a girl?

pretend · 06/12/2015 17:55

What's that got to do with anything Pretty?

CatMilkMan · 06/12/2015 17:55

Let's remember this thread is about OP and not get carried away arguing with each other (something I am normally very guilty of).

MammaTJ · 06/12/2015 17:56

I'm also a single parent of a DD and no way would I be condoning sex at 16. It might be legal but that doesn't make it right.

Great way to close down communication! At 16, they can choose where they live. They can elope and marry at Gretna Green. They can and often do have sex, with or without their parents consent, what with being legally old enough to consent for themselves!

Haffdonga · 06/12/2015 17:56

I did not misquote you Moving. I copied and pasted your wording exactly.

These words:

I think you probably have some issues about sex that are not normal landrover.

There is nothing wrong with my reading comprehension. You very clearly told the poster that she has sexually abnormal issues. I am merely stating that I do not think you should tell somebody they are sexually abnormal in the face of such insufficient evidence if at all.

Anyway, this is not helpful to the OP. I'll leave you to your random and harmful diagnoses and judgements.

Sorry to get involved in that, OP. Hope you sort things with your dd. I'll bow out.

LittleBeautyBelle · 06/12/2015 17:56

I haven't read every comment yet, just the first page, but I agree with you, OP. I think sixteen is really young to be making these decisions she may later regret. Part of "the talk," in addition to the practical and safety and health issues, involves talking about the meaning of sexual intimacy and its role in creating life, something not to be treated lightly. Teenagers have strong hormones though and it takes a lot of thought and self control to make wise decisions in spite of those hormones and popular opinion. Best wishes to you, OP. Keep us posted.

Original poster
MJ686 · 06/12/2015 17:57

Hi ILiveAtTheBeach thanks for the comment, in answer to your question, no the bf's parents have 2 boys 18 & 28, no daughters. I have a son 26 and no, the parents didn't contact him either whilst she was staying with him.

OP posts:
pretend · 06/12/2015 17:58

I'll go back to my original point, which is to say just because it's legal doesn't make it right.

DD could also join the army at 16, but no fucking way would I be condoning that either!