To expect a phone call and backing from another parent?

[MJ686]

My first post here, advice needed please.

Put yourself in my shoes please ..

Single mum of 16yr old daughter. She has an 18yr old boyfriend, she met him in July. She had asked me previously if she could have a sleep over at his house, the answer from me was NO. She ran away and stayed with her elder brother for a fortnight during an almighty row with me about putting her boyfriend before her studies. I've since found out that she's had sex with her boyfriend and that whilst staying at her brothers she has been allowed by the boyfriend's Mum and Dad to sleep over at their house and sleep in the boyfriend's bed with him.

Shocked, hurt and angry are only a few of the emotions I am feeling right now, but I think the worst is the betrayal I feel from the other parents. Isn't there an unspoken parental code where we are all supposed to back each other up and support each other? I know if my 18yr old son had brought a girl home and said, "Hey, it's ok if we sleep together here tonight, Mum, you're cool with that, right?" Well, firstly, I wouldn't ever allow that as I am not as liberal as I am being told I should be! And secondly, even if I was liberal, I would have said, "Whoa! Hold your horses Boy, does her Mum know she's here and does she have permision for that? Yes? Ok, let's just check shall we, what's your Mum's number, let me give her a call".

I asked my daughter if his Mum had even spoken to her about contraception or safe sex, of course the answer was NO, yet she willingly allowed them to sleep together, during a time that SHE KNEW my daughter was having a teenage strop and arguing with me, so she was hardly in a place where she wanted to talk to me about being safe, she was in a vunerable place and still his parents allowed this.

I'm so very angry about this and can't see how I can get over how I feel. The two kids are, of course, professing undying love for each other and telling me I should just "get over it as not everyone has the same morals as you" and "everyone's doing it now, it's normal for 16yr olds" "you come from a different era" and "wouldn't you rather we were doing it somewhere safe". God, I haven't even met his parents, but I hate them already.

YABU I'm afraid. My DD is 14 and unfortunately most of her friends have had sex already. DD has a boyfriend I have said should they still be together by 16 he can stay over no way till then. It's kind of your responsibility to know where your DD is not his parents. I often have teens here I don't call their parents they call me. If DD stays at a friends I call their parents.
She is 16 so legally it's fine it's up to her , you can't stop teenagers having sex. My mum stopped me so I did it in local woods/ parks (cringing at the thought!!) but under his parents roof is preferable to the latter.

Thank you again for the comments so far. I am alone right now with no one to talk this through with and just reading through your comments is making my anger dissipate. I don't understand why I have got so angry, I'm just feeling hurt and like my wishes, hopes for her and points of view just don't seem to matter anymore.

You're getting a bit of a pasting here OP, and though I can see why, I too would be uncomfortable if my 18 year old ds brought home his 16 year old girlfriend and shared a bed with her when I knew she'd just run away from home. (Sounds like far too much potential for vulnerability and mistakes on both sides).

But you ABU about some points.

1. Have you noticed that the sexual side of their relationship only started when you and dd rowed and she ran away? If you'd shown more openness to discuss this with dd, perhaps she wouldn't have ended up running to her bf and feeling pressurised to take things further. You forgot the First Rule of Parenting a Teenager -if you say NO it will happen anyway . You need to be cleverer than that.
2. You don't know what dd told bf's parents about your agreement. Perhaps she said you were fine with it. Perhaps dd said you didn't care. Perhaps they believed they were rescuing dd from an abusive home.
3. It's not another parents job to check the sexual safety and contraception of other people who her ds might sleep with, only of her own ds.

I do disagree with the general opinion though, that once a dc reaches 16, it's entirely acceptable for them to immediately start adult sexual relationships just because it's legal. (The same people might be accusing this lad of sexual assault if it was a day before her 16th birthday.) Some 16 year olds are entirely mature enough for sex, both emotionally and physically. Others are not. So regardless of what the law says, only you (on this board) know your dd well enough to know if she's ready for this.

Having said that, it's done now and likely to keep on being done so how are you going to go about improving the situation between you and dd? If it was me I'd be wanting to get to know this boy a lot better, inviting him for tea and trying to rebuild bridges with your dd, so she trusts you a bit more next time she wants to confide.

I wouldn't be happy with a 16 and 18 year old having sex in my house. I wouldn't like it and wouldn't permit it.

But I couldn't object to them having legal sex anywhere else and I wouldn't expect other parents to hold the same views as me. I certainly wouldn't feel betrayed or hurt or angry.

I don't understand why I have got so angry, I'm just feeling hurt and like my wishes, hopes for her and points of view just don't seem to matter anymore.

You have answered it yourself X

You are angry and upset because you feel, maybe for the first time, that dd hasn't listened to your wishes and you don't have a real right, to have her follow your rules.

She has made her mind up, which is the opposite of what you want, and other people have supported her in.

I am not having a go. It's a very very difficult time for you and not easy to get used to.

"Whoa! Hold your horses Boy, does her Mum know she's here and does she have permision for that?"

Jesus, she's 16 and doesn't need your permission with what she wants to do to her body.

Sorry, hadn't RTFT.
I know this must be extremely hard and I hope you and your daughter are closer again ASAP.

I don't think anyone can say she was vulnerable because she fell out with her mum though.

I think she had made her mind up about this before the argument.

What did you expect to happen when you said no to her?

Fair play OP - your last post was clear you don't know why you're angry but you mentioned your 'hopes' for her.

Having sex at 16 might not be what you hoped for her but why?. Millions have sex at 16 or under. It's not a bad thing for most young people. It's not something to hope doesn't happen unless you think it's a bad thing?.

OP, the boyfriend or his mother should have contacted you seriously? Like she's a piece of property? What a ridiculous notion. At 16 she is entitled to choose who she has sex with without it being a matter for discussion by anyone else.

Op, glad to see you're calming down. It must have been a very stressful time for you all.

Im with Op on this, sorry. My 16 year old daughter (whatever the law says is still a child till she is 18 IMO). i will treat her that way!

And sorry, having sex at 16 makes me feel sick at the thought! ( I was 25, before anybody has a go at me, i still thought I was too young! :-)

It's hard when they grow up, but try to remember that her pushing the boundary is what's supposed to happen.

She is a teenager, developing her own views and opinions, and that's a good thing. She has to be allowed to try them out for herself, they can't learn from other people as well as they can learn from their own experience. It's highly likely that as you've done a good job with her so far that she'll come back and at some point realise that her mum was right all along. This is just all part of a process.

I know this is very easy for me to say and it won't be long before I have my turn at tearing my hair out over my teenagers, but from an outsiders perspective, it really doesn't seem like the situation is a bad as what it probably feels like to you.

I think you probably have some issues about sex that are not normal landrover. Which is fine, but don't assume others share them including your children or you may find things get very difficult in your relationships with your children.

Millions have sex at 16 or under
Care to quote your source for this interesting statistic or did you pull it our of thin air.

I agree that the parents should have contacted you - 16 is not 18 and leaving aside the sex aspect, they should have checked what was going on before taking her in.

However, you really can't control whether she has sex. All you can do is make sure she is well informed.

I understand why you are so angry.

You have lost control of this situation. The thing is, now your DD is 16, and is over the age of consent in the UK whether or now she has sex is, like it or not, out of your control. Whether or not she has safe sex depend on the ground work you have done educating her before now. Where she spends the night should be within your control until she's 18. Who spends the night in your house is withing your control (as you obviously know).

Even if you have a brilliant relationship with your DD, and she agrees not to spend the night at his house, won't mean she won't have sex with him. Teenagers are incredibly resourceful when the have to be. Which is why you need to have dealt with contraception, personal boundaries, etc long before now.

I'm surprised you've got to having a 16yo without realising other parents have very different ideas of what is OK and what isn't.

There are some ridiculous statements being bandied around but MovingonUP FFS

You cannot possibly accuse someone on the internet as having issues about sex which are not normal because she didn't feel ready until 25.
I think you probably have some issues about sex that are not normal landrover.

That's stupid, outrageous and wrong. I'd suggest you apologise.

(FWIW landrover, I certainly wouldn't have felt ready at 16. I'll join you in the 'abnormal' camp )

I know you didn't ask me, but stats show that millions of people do have sex at 16 and under Supermanspants.

Some stats for you:

observer.theguardian.com/sex/story/0,12550,818356,00.html

Just because she had sex, it doesn't mean her futures ruined.

I guess a big part of parenting is realising that your hopes for them may not ever materialise because they are your hopes and not theirs and as an individual they can and will decide what they want to do. I think you need to accept it's done and try move on from it so you can try offer advice on other issues of her life. All you can do is offer advice and try guide her but ultimately, she will be the one to decide what she does.

What an over reaction Haffdonga That poster said having sex at 16 made them feel sick.

And of course I won't apologise. Do give over dear.

OP, could you be getting muddled here about what exactly is upsetting you so much? Do you actively dislike her bf or just worry that she is too young and getting distracted?

Since she is still living at home, studying and a member of your family she does need to abide by some house rules. However, these rules have to flex as our DC grow up. That's hard.

Can I suggest sitting down somewhere neutral and working out a set of boundaries that you can agree on? No sleepovers on school nights and staying on top of school work are top priorities. Checking in advance if it is ok. No public undress, politeness etc etc. I think you also need to get to know the be better. Your dd loves him so it helps if you can be civil, friendly even.

Maybe you do get to speak with his parents to express any concerns about studying and so on. Not so much why they haven't asked your dd about safe sex. I promise you this whole thing will go better if you go back to your dd in a 'how can we make this situation work' sort of way. Even if she isn't receptive at first things really can improve.

I know of some very young, seriously in love couples all doing very well indeed. They all have good parental support. Not saying you aren't supportive, just suggesting ways to make it easier.

Best wishes.

Why, just because one parent is more liberal than another, does the other parent's view or wishes count for nothing?

Because your DD is a person in her own right, and her BF parents do not have a relationship with you, they have a relationship with your DD.

Where would it stop? Parents checking if their DCs 15 year old friends are permitted to watch 15 movies? Parents checking if their DCs 18 year old friends are allowed to drink alcohol?

Personally, if I was the BF parents, I would have made sure you knew she was safe - but I would apply my own boundaries and rules to her conduct, not apply yours, which I do not agree with.

Even so, my point was, that she was at a vunerable point in her life, away from home and arguing with her mum, so therefore, out of pride and stubborness, couldn't talk to me

Who's fault was that? She is legally allowed to have sex, yet you won't allow it. So, who do you think was to blame for her stropping off?