To expect a phone call and backing from another parent?

[MJ686]

My first post here, advice needed please.

Put yourself in my shoes please ..

Single mum of 16yr old daughter. She has an 18yr old boyfriend, she met him in July. She had asked me previously if she could have a sleep over at his house, the answer from me was NO. She ran away and stayed with her elder brother for a fortnight during an almighty row with me about putting her boyfriend before her studies. I've since found out that she's had sex with her boyfriend and that whilst staying at her brothers she has been allowed by the boyfriend's Mum and Dad to sleep over at their house and sleep in the boyfriend's bed with him.

Shocked, hurt and angry are only a few of the emotions I am feeling right now, but I think the worst is the betrayal I feel from the other parents. Isn't there an unspoken parental code where we are all supposed to back each other up and support each other? I know if my 18yr old son had brought a girl home and said, "Hey, it's ok if we sleep together here tonight, Mum, you're cool with that, right?" Well, firstly, I wouldn't ever allow that as I am not as liberal as I am being told I should be! And secondly, even if I was liberal, I would have said, "Whoa! Hold your horses Boy, does her Mum know she's here and does she have permision for that? Yes? Ok, let's just check shall we, what's your Mum's number, let me give her a call".

I asked my daughter if his Mum had even spoken to her about contraception or safe sex, of course the answer was NO, yet she willingly allowed them to sleep together, during a time that SHE KNEW my daughter was having a teenage strop and arguing with me, so she was hardly in a place where she wanted to talk to me about being safe, she was in a vunerable place and still his parents allowed this.

I'm so very angry about this and can't see how I can get over how I feel. The two kids are, of course, professing undying love for each other and telling me I should just "get over it as not everyone has the same morals as you" and "everyone's doing it now, it's normal for 16yr olds" "you come from a different era" and "wouldn't you rather we were doing it somewhere safe". God, I haven't even met his parents, but I hate them already.

When my husband first took me home to meet his parents, they put us in separate rooms. He was in his old room; I was in his sister's old room. We were in our late 20s! (Of course we were already having sex with one another, but we could manage a long weekend without it )

Has British culture changed so much in the last couple of decades?

Well, in fairness, most teenagers I know wouldn't even think to ask if their boyfriend/girlfriend could stay overnight.
It probably depends on the boundaries within each family, the normal codes of behaviour etc.

I would freak out at a load of random teenagers hanging about the house late at night/ first thing in the morning/ at breakfast. I wouldn't want a load of random anyone hanging about the house late ................breakfast.

Does no one want some privacy nowadays????

MN is definitely a parallel universe.

On the other hand a long term relationship with a DGF or DBF so that I know the teen and they know me - yea ok.

No one has actually said what happens when they put their foot down and the 16 yr old rebels.
There seems to be a touching faith, at all ages, that mother speaks and her word is law. It happens all the time e.g 'my DC doesn't eat sweets', 'my DC isn't allowed to read Jacqueline Wilson' etc etc . I was a very compliant DC, but I would have eaten sweets, read Jacqueline Wilson, but made absolutely sure that my mother didn't know and that anyone likely to tell her didn't know. I was too shy to have a boyfriend at 16yrs, but I can't see it stopping me if I had- again I would make sure that my mother didn't know.
What precisely are you going to do when you forbid it to follow up -and how can you be sure that your DC is doing as you wish?
I would love an answer to that- it would make life so simple.

Second question.
Had the parents phoned and then said 'sorry, the DD's mother doesn't want her staying in DS's room' - what happens next- DD has already made it clear they are going to have sex, they will just find a different venue.

You sound very sweet and loving OP and congratulations on dealing with this thread in such a mature way.

My first thought when I read your initial post was that I am probably old enough to be your mother and I had my first sexual experience when I was fifteen, so really it is not your generation, it is the upbringing you were given.

Secondly the sex drive in teenagers in incredibly strong and no matter how much parents might forbid sex they will always find a way, while swearing blind to their parents that they haven't done anything.

And lastly the most important thing to keep your dd safe is to keep the lines of communication open with her.

I don't get the obsession with bed sharing/ overnights
There are plenty of other places to have sex other than beds, and plenty of times to have it other than night time.
wanting to stay over is just as much about the cuddles and relationship in my experience.

As a mother of 2 boys, I wouldn't let them have a girl that young stay over without her parents consent, especially in the same room.

But, I do think you have to be careful not to drive her away, it's only sex at the end of the day, as long as they are being careful there not much you can do.

I'm sure the boyfriends parent have told him all about condoms, doubt they want him having unprotected sex either!

Isn't there an unspoken parental code where we are all supposed to back each other up and support each other?

No. I'm not going to back up someone I disagree with just because we're both parents.

When my husband first took me home to meet his parents, they put us in separate rooms. He was in his old room; I was in his sister's old room. We were in our late 20s! (Of course we were already having sex with one another, but we could manage a long weekend without it
has British culture changed so much in the last couple of decades?

Not many people 90s or even the 80s would have expected partners in their late 20s to sleep in separate bedrooms. So, no British culture hasn't changed much in the last 20 years.

Still no answer to my questions?

I'm glad my comment made you feel better op
You may feel like it wasn't right for her, but she doesn't.
You seem to be talking now so that's good.
If you try to push to much you end up with her not being able to come to you about anything.
I know you'd want her to come to you if she was in trouble.
16 may seem young but some are ready at that age.
I knew it was the right time.
Now nearly two decades later it was still the right time x

Still no one has actually answered my questions and said what they are actually going to do once they have said 'no way' to the 16 yr old having sex.
Is the assumption that your word is final- despite the fact in this case that the DD moved out and has made it plain that she disagrees with her mother.
What happens next? What would happen next even if the boyfriend's parents had said 'not in our house, we support her mother'?

Dinosaurs that is a good point. I didn't think of it that way.

Mehitabel6

Well except it's a non question isn't it?
You make a very good point, and I agree with you, that simply saying 'no sex' is not going to stop a 16 year old who has decided.
But pretending that every 16 year old is just like you and happily would do stuff your parents said no to is a bit simplistic isn't it?

At 16 I had areas where I was incredibly rebellious and independent. But there were definitely things where the sense of how deeply my parents would disapprove was definitely a factor in how I behaved.

I drank alcohol at parties for example but never would have taken up smoking. My parents would have been far more upset at my smoking and their discussions with me about how strongly they felt about smoking had affected my views. I disobeyed them on a number of issues but the strength of their feeling about smoking meant I ultimately wouldn't have wanted ten to be so hugely disappointed in me. I knew it was really important to them and, like a lot teenagers, I judged my rebellion right up to the point where there would have been a real breech.

They were strict in their way but they were also parents who discussed and compromised. They were not idiots who thought putting their foot down was the end of the discussion.

So a parent saying 'no way' may well often be met with rebellion. But I think the idea that every single 16 year old will rebel if told no is often posted on here but ignores the complexity of parent/child relationships.

No every parent who say 'no way' to sex is going to be some Victorian caricature. Sometimes it's complicated.

I am also coming from the perspective of having a 16 year old son myself.

An immature 16 year old. Developmentally, maturity, emotionally and physically he is not like a 'typical' 16 year old so the hypothetical thought of not knowing that he is staying with an 18 year old girlfriend fills me with dread.

I would still inform a parent that their child was staying over and discuss it with them, but reading Dinosaurs post I can see why the parent in this situation may have thought it wasn't the best course of action.

I've asked the same question as mehitabel several times on this thread.

Not hypothetically, but in this particular situation, of posters who have said I wouldn't let her, either and I agree with you, OP

Not one person has explained HOW, when faced with the same situation as the OP, they would prevent their DD from engaging in a sexual relationship that she (the DD) believes she is ready for, despite her mums negativity.

The only hint about how that might be achieved is from a poster who said that in other cultures, teens wouldn't rebel or disregard their parents!

It's all very well saying that the OPs DD might (and probably is) compliant in other aspects of life - in this circumstance she isn't.

So a parent saying 'no way' may well often be met with rebellion. But I think the idea that every single 16 year old will rebel if told no is often posted on here but ignores the complexity of parent/child relationships.

That is true. At 16 if my mum had told me I couldn't have stayed with my 18 year old boyfriend I would have respected that and did what I was told. My mum wasn't strict so if she said no to something it was discussed and I would respect it. I wouldn't have dreamed of moving out and just doing what she said no to. I still listened to her at 16.

Maybe it was just my personality or the fact that she wasn't strict, so when she said no to something I knew there was a good reason for it and respected it.

Mehitabel6

It's a silly question. No one can stop a 16 year old from doing something, short of putting them in a straight jacket. However, as parents you condone things or you don't. I don't condone smoking, drugs, shoplifting, etc. Early, casual sex is no different, I don't condone that. I don't condone it because of my views about sex, its risks and its significance. Other posters see sex differently. I can only raise my child with my sincere beliefs and values. Just as other posters can only follow theirs.

Caprinihahahaha has done a good job of explaining how raising a child is a whole package of compromises and nudging behaviours rather than declarations. For me, not wanting my 16 year old daughter to spend the night at a boyfriend's house, a boyfriend whose family I don't know, etc. is all part of my overall approach to not condoning early, casual sex.

As I said up thread, I could be convinced to make an exception, if I knew the family was safe and kind, and if I saw that the relationship was committed and mature. If all those things were evident, then it wouldn't be casual sex and my attitude would change. My precious daughter being a short term, fun experience for someone else's son. No. No because I don't believe being treated like that would be "fun" for her. I believe it would hurt her emotionally.

Me too U2HastheEdge, I was raised in a very similar way.

I didn't say that every DC would rebel- but this one has!
She moved out, she has made it clear that her views are different from her mother's views. I can't see how those of you who say 'too liberal and 16 yr olds are children in need of protection' are going to deal with the actual problem.
When you read back you find OP rebelled too. She thinks it fully justified- I bet her parents didn't! She thinks that she rebelled and her DD has nothing to rebel against - her DD thinks differently.
I don't think that I would phone the parents of a DD who had already left home. I would talk to DS about it and I would try and talk to the DD and get her to reconcile with her mother, but I can't say that I would phone the mother. I wouldn't have them in the same room in my house unless I knew her better and it was a more long standing relationship- with all of us.
My opinion is that it needs communication. OP goes on about her hopes and wishes- do they actually match her DDs? Clearly OP's parents had hopes and wishes that did not match hers.
The key is communication.

Well, all you can do is talk to them Mehitabel, and lay down YOUR rules.

I wouldn't allow my children to smoke in my house, or take drugs.

They might go and do it elsewhere. I can't control that, either.

I can't see the point of 'I respected my mum, I listened to her and I wouldn't have moved out'. In this case she hasn't respected her mum, has made it clear she doesn't agree and has moved out!!

It's doesn't matter if every other 16 year old wouldn't rebel.

This one has. That's the point. When your kids get to an age where they can up and leave, laying down the law isn't always going to work.

It's definitely not going to work, if you really want them to stay in the home as well. The OP wants her dd to come home. So, there is going to have to be compromise.

That compromise maybe that she is allowed to stay at her boyfriends. It doesn't have to be in the OPs house. The OP doesn't have to give in, but if she wants her home she needs to do something.

Exactly, dontcallmecis and by 16yrs you have to hope they won't do it elsewhere . No one smokes in my house- even a 90 something year old has to go up the garden!
You can lay down your rules- my children would laugh at me being put down as liberal! But you can't control what they do away from home. You can't expect other parents to control - they won't. Many will have different values in the first place.