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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect a phone call and backing from another parent?

354 replies

MJ686 · 06/12/2015 15:43

My first post here, advice needed please.

Put yourself in my shoes please ..

Single mum of 16yr old daughter. She has an 18yr old boyfriend, she met him in July. She had asked me previously if she could have a sleep over at his house, the answer from me was NO. She ran away and stayed with her elder brother for a fortnight during an almighty row with me about putting her boyfriend before her studies. I've since found out that she's had sex with her boyfriend and that whilst staying at her brothers she has been allowed by the boyfriend's Mum and Dad to sleep over at their house and sleep in the boyfriend's bed with him.

Shocked, hurt and angry are only a few of the emotions I am feeling right now, but I think the worst is the betrayal I feel from the other parents. Isn't there an unspoken parental code where we are all supposed to back each other up and support each other? I know if my 18yr old son had brought a girl home and said, "Hey, it's ok if we sleep together here tonight, Mum, you're cool with that, right?" Well, firstly, I wouldn't ever allow that as I am not as liberal as I am being told I should be! And secondly, even if I was liberal, I would have said, "Whoa! Hold your horses Boy, does her Mum know she's here and does she have permision for that? Yes? Ok, let's just check shall we, what's your Mum's number, let me give her a call".

I asked my daughter if his Mum had even spoken to her about contraception or safe sex, of course the answer was NO, yet she willingly allowed them to sleep together, during a time that SHE KNEW my daughter was having a teenage strop and arguing with me, so she was hardly in a place where she wanted to talk to me about being safe, she was in a vunerable place and still his parents allowed this.

I'm so very angry about this and can't see how I can get over how I feel. The two kids are, of course, professing undying love for each other and telling me I should just "get over it as not everyone has the same morals as you" and "everyone's doing it now, it's normal for 16yr olds" "you come from a different era" and "wouldn't you rather we were doing it somewhere safe". God, I haven't even met his parents, but I hate them already.

OP posts:
Mehitabel6 · 07/12/2015 08:20

Has anyone actually considered the practicalities of phoning someone you don't know? Are DS are her DD just expected to give it- knowing how it will be used? Does she look up the name and phone numbers saying 'excuse me but do you have a DS called......' And what if they are ex directory? Also a huge embarrassment if the parent is unlike OP and then says 'why are you telling me?'

Enjolrass · 07/12/2015 08:22

The problem is that the OP is expecting the other parents to think the same as her.

If they are genuinely non pleased about their son having sex with a girl above legal age, it probably didn't enter their head to let the mother know where she was.

Especially since the girl in question wasn't living with her mother at the time.

If she would have been letting anyone know it would have been the OPs son, as she was living there.

The OP is mad at the other parents, but why didn't the brother let her know?

No one let her know her dd was staying out. Maybe the parents thought the brother (the adult she is living with) knew, so that was enough. Maybe they assumed he would let her know and didn't want to get into the middle of an argument between their sons gf and her mum.

Maybe they have been told that the OP is horrible and doesn't care (teens say all sorts of nonsense when they are mad, especially about their parents)

I think the OP is being the best mum she can and will turn this around. We all make mistakes with our kids. She shouldn't beat herself up.

But I do think her expectations are unrealistic regarding the other parents.

Mehitabel6 · 07/12/2015 08:28

It is very like another thread where OP is upset that other parents gave her 6 yr old Coke to drink. You see the problem on the thread- half the posters see nothing wrong with it. Same problem here but further on in age-half the posters see nothing wrong with it.

If you just answer OP it is quite obvious that whatever your views OP was unreasonable to expect a phone call.

2rebecca · 07/12/2015 08:36

My son went to university at 18 so age 18 was in halls and if he'd slept with 16 year olds it would have been nothing to do with me.
I wouldn't have let girlfriends stay overnight when he was at school as I think sex is a distraction schoolkids don't need and I'm not encouraging it. The situation hasn't arisen since he went to college.
If he brought home a 16 year old I might contact her mum but as he's an adult might ask him to do it.
I generally expect you to look out for your own kids though. I wouldn't let my 16 year old daughter sleep overnight with a boy. I'm her parent, not the parents of any guy she hooks up with.

Sallystyle · 07/12/2015 09:03

She wasn't living with the Op at the time

Of course she bloody was! She had a strop and stayed somewhere else for a fortnight. If my son stays somewhere for a while I still consider him actually living here.

Enjolrass · 07/12/2015 09:06

Of course she bloody was! She had a strop and stayed somewhere else for a fortnight. If my son stays somewhere for a while I still consider him actually living here.

So at what point do you consider them not living with you?

She took her stuff and was living with other family members.

Going on holiday or visiting friends is different to moving your stuff out of the house.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 07/12/2015 09:08

edge - the OP may well consider that her DD still lives at home, but what does her DD think?

The OPs DD may well have told her b/f and/or his parents that she'd left home and was living with her 26 yr old brother.

Enjolrass · 07/12/2015 09:11

And do you really expect the boyfriends parents to ask the details.

'So before you stay, how does your mum feel about you staying here, are living with your brother or just staying there due to a strop? Do you intend to love back to your mothers? Can we have exact details of who we should contact to let know you are here?'

She is at her brothers, her brother knew where she was, he was the adult, he didn't let the OP know what was going on. It's still not his responsibility to stop her doing something legal.

And of course we are assuming that his parents know the exact and correct details of what has occurred. They may think she will be living with her brother permanently, may think the OP kicked her out etc

It still doesn't mean the parents should have automatically thought 'we should ring her mother'

SettlinginNicely · 07/12/2015 09:21

I find the thread really illuminating. It's clear to me that I cannot expect other parents to necessarily share my values or to even consider that mine may be different from theirs. Therefore it would not even occur to them to give me a curtesy call.

I don't condemn the parents who are relaxed about having their 16 year old children spend the night over at GF/BF's houses. I think everyone makes decisions based on their own circumstances and the character of their own children. It's not one size fits all.

I would hope that more liberal posters, having read the thread might also consider this. It's no great hardship to, at a minimum, ask the child staying over to give their mum/dad a call to let them know where they are and pass over your home number. I don't see how that is socially awkward.

Enjolrass · 07/12/2015 09:27

I would hope that more liberal posters, having read the thread might also consider this.

I definitely would. However I would hope that the 'less liberal' parents would not take it as a slight if parents don't contact them. It works both ways.

But if the girl was in the care of her brother, that is the person I would contact if I felt I should contact anyone.

Enjolrass · 07/12/2015 09:28

Sorry that should be 'I definitely would consider it'

PrettyBrightFireflies · 07/12/2015 09:52

It's no great hardship to, at a minimum, ask the child staying over to give their mum/dad a call to let them know where they are and pass over your home number. I don't see how that is socially awkward.

I do check/suggest that any DC's who arrive with my DD have let their parents know where they are but as for handing my number over - thats why teens have mobiles, isn't it?

The last thing I want is a stroppy parent calling me every time their teen goes AWOL asking if s/he is here - sorry. I'll keep them safe while they are in my home, and encourage them to contact their parents/guardians if they haven't done so, but I will not get involved in other peoples parenting. I'd hate anyone to interfer in mine.

DinosaursRoar · 07/12/2015 09:58

U2 - afraid I agree with others, the other set of parents were faced with a girl who has moved out from her mums and is now living with her much older brother. At most in that situation, I would check the brother knew where she was, but would not think it would be appropriate to call the mother, given that it appears the dd has left home. (The op might see it as a temporary flounce, but i wouldn't presume that as the other set of parents - moved out at 16 to live with another family member usually does mean just that).

And there's another issue here, If I was the other set of parents, I'd be worried about the girl he was dating, at 16 she appears to have a troubled home life as she's moved out of her family home I live with her brother (who has been happy to take her in, not many 26 year olds would for a "strop", As an outsider, I'd assume something serious was going on that he was prepared to take on his little sister at that age), she's been home schooled so presumably moving out of home means stopping her education, or at least limiting it. The op says she has few friends or hobbies so just has the boyfriend. I would be very worried about her needing him too much, the effect on his studies, if she'd expect him to want to set up home early on if she can't stay with her brother long term, and generally it all seems a bit of a worry from the boys parents point of view.

In those circumstances, welcoming her into the family home so that you aren't pushing them into an "us against the world" situation or making him be secretive about what's going on would be the best approach. Going behind her back and calling the mum she no longer lives with would seem a bad corse of action to me.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 07/12/2015 10:58

If I was the other set of parents, I'd be worried about the girl he was dating, at 16 she appears to have a troubled home life as she's moved out of her family home I live with her brother (who has been happy to take her in, not many 26 year olds would for a "strop", As an outsider, I'd assume something serious was going on that he was prepared to take on his little sister at that age), she's been home schooled so presumably moving out of home means stopping her education, or at least limiting it.

I agree - I'd be concerned on the impact on DD if she had a close friend or b/f who had what appeared to be a fairly chaotic and unstable homelife. And as you say, I'd be supportive and keep the lines of communication open so that I had early warning if things were escalating. I may even make contact with SServ or other professionals so I could talk to my DD about the various options that might be available for her friend.

Whathaveilost · 07/12/2015 10:58

I would never dream of contacting a parent over this matter!

Although I have sons I wouldn't expect or indeed want anyone contacting me unless there was a an emergency or some serious issue.

My son had his 16 year old gf stay with us( she is now 19) since he was 16 and half, it never occurred to me to ring her parents and by the same token her parents never rang to tell us. He told where he was so I knew if anything happened and she told her mum. No drama

The only parent I had informed was DS2s gf but that was to let them know that she had arrived safely as she had travelled from Scotland to Lancashire to stay with us ( she is 16 and a bit)

Daisysbear · 07/12/2015 11:27

YANBU and I am surprised at a lot of the responses on here.

I don't know anyone who would simply shrug and let a 16 year old stay overnight with their 18 year old son. It's only on MN that I read of this attitude.

ShebaShimmyShake · 07/12/2015 11:29

Only on MN and in statutory law.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 07/12/2015 11:34

I don't know anyone who would simply shrug and let a 16 year old stay overnight with their 18 year old son. It's only on MN that I read of this attitude

Well, I hope that DD never has a boyfriend whose parents are like the ones you know; I'm not sure how I'd respond if they called me to check it was OK if my 16 yr old DD spent the night in their DS bed!

Daisysbear · 07/12/2015 11:34

Regardless of whether it's legal or not most people I know would not allow a 16 year old to stay over night with their teenage son, or agree to their 16 year old staying over with her boyfriend.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 07/12/2015 11:46

How many parents of teenagers do you know, daisy? You say the ones you know would not "allow" their teens to do this - how do they stop them?

Noone has yet addressed that question - there are plenty of people agreeing with the OP, but few practical steps being suggested that prevent a 16 year old DC from doing what the OP's DD has done!

Daisysbear · 07/12/2015 12:33

I'd respond with a 'no, it's not okay'.

And if it was my 18 year old son doing the asking I'd make the same response.

Enjolrass · 07/12/2015 12:53

I don't know anyone who would simply shrug and let a 16 year old stay overnight with their 18 year old son. It's only on MN that I read of this attitude.

I am not sure who would just shrug. They would make a decision on what they felt was the right thing to do, for them and the situation

Marynary · 07/12/2015 13:08

I wouldn't be particularly happy if my 16 year was staying with her 18 year old boyfriend at his house but I wouldn't expect his parents to contact me about it especially if she wasn't even living with me. If I was his parents I might check with the adult she was living with (i.e. her brother) that it is okay but I certainly wouldn't ask you.

And why on earth to you think the other parents should talk to your daughter about contraception? That is your job!

Caprinihahahaha · 07/12/2015 13:13

The question of what most parents on here would do is not relevant though because the issue is not really about the staying over in the boyfriends bed.
The issue is actually about the ops relationship with her DD and their lack of communication.

The 'how do you stop a 16 year old doing X' is always determined by the parent child relationship.
With any luck a 16 year old will be carving out their own independence but the wishes and opinions of their parents will still carry some weight.

I learnt gave had no ability to physically prevent my 6ft 2" son from doing what he wanted from the age of 16. But he and I talk and he respects my views and I his. We work it out.

That inability to talk and meet at a point of accord with her DD is the ops real problem.
Everyone setting it up as one side being in charge and ignoring the wishes and views of the other are not really doing anything but making it a pissing contest.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 07/12/2015 14:18

I'd respond with a 'no, it's not okay'.

And you'd expect compliance?

I'm guessing, but I suspect the OP tried that, hence why her DD moved out to her older brother.

As others have said, it's a lot more complicated than just laying down the law - the transition from treating your DC like a child and treating them like an adult needs to start a lot sooner than many parents realise, otherwise, situations like the OP's develop.