To expect a phone call and backing from another parent?

[MJ686]

My first post here, advice needed please.

Put yourself in my shoes please ..

Single mum of 16yr old daughter. She has an 18yr old boyfriend, she met him in July. She had asked me previously if she could have a sleep over at his house, the answer from me was NO. She ran away and stayed with her elder brother for a fortnight during an almighty row with me about putting her boyfriend before her studies. I've since found out that she's had sex with her boyfriend and that whilst staying at her brothers she has been allowed by the boyfriend's Mum and Dad to sleep over at their house and sleep in the boyfriend's bed with him.

Shocked, hurt and angry are only a few of the emotions I am feeling right now, but I think the worst is the betrayal I feel from the other parents. Isn't there an unspoken parental code where we are all supposed to back each other up and support each other? I know if my 18yr old son had brought a girl home and said, "Hey, it's ok if we sleep together here tonight, Mum, you're cool with that, right?" Well, firstly, I wouldn't ever allow that as I am not as liberal as I am being told I should be! And secondly, even if I was liberal, I would have said, "Whoa! Hold your horses Boy, does her Mum know she's here and does she have permision for that? Yes? Ok, let's just check shall we, what's your Mum's number, let me give her a call".

I asked my daughter if his Mum had even spoken to her about contraception or safe sex, of course the answer was NO, yet she willingly allowed them to sleep together, during a time that SHE KNEW my daughter was having a teenage strop and arguing with me, so she was hardly in a place where she wanted to talk to me about being safe, she was in a vunerable place and still his parents allowed this.

I'm so very angry about this and can't see how I can get over how I feel. The two kids are, of course, professing undying love for each other and telling me I should just "get over it as not everyone has the same morals as you" and "everyone's doing it now, it's normal for 16yr olds" "you come from a different era" and "wouldn't you rather we were doing it somewhere safe". God, I haven't even met his parents, but I hate them already.

The fact that Iona sincerely thinks this is about morals rather than a person's right to have legal, consensual sex tells you all you need to know.

That was my thinking too Sheba.

Where do we as parents draw the line on that then? Your Body - Your Rules?
Would you Mums and Dads who say this, also allow your 16 year old daughter to walk out in a skirt that shows her knickers? Or get a tattoo across her face? Do you just say, 'Oh, you look lovely darling'?

Firstly at 16 they aren't legally allowed to be tattooed here, so yes I would be angry about that. I would be disappointed if the did it 20.

If they spoke to me about first I would try and discourage them and explain the consequences.

The skirt thing is neither here or there. I speak to my dd about clothing, consent etc. We have many interesting discussions about the fact that we should be allowed to do many things (leave the doors unlocked, car unlocked, wear what we want without being judged) but that the reality of society's expectations is very different.

Again at 16, I wouldn't forbid it.

The problem isn't your feelings. The problem is how you handled it. But you can bring this back around.

Morality is an expression of a person's agency, their will do to what they think is right and behave in a way that expresses their values and characters. Which is why we hold people responsible for their moral actions and offer praise or blame for them.

Teaching a 16yo that what happens to her body in sexual terms has nothing to do with her choices, her values and her morals but is under the control of a parent purely by virtue of where she lives (and the vast majority of 16yos will live at home) is just wrong. It takes away her ability to self determine and teaches her that she can give up responsibility for moral choices to another person. It is still about control and very inappropriate, if not immoral in itself.

Oh and reason I think the way I do is because my parents were like you. Any talk of sex brought a reaction like I said I was going to become porn star.

I lost my virginity at 15 in car to a 25 year old. I now look back and think I was possibly groomed. It wasn't nice. I couldn't tell anyone. I couldn't discuss what was going on, I had no one to turn to to step in and stop it happening.

Having these strict rules in place didn't help me and haven't helped me since.

Your dd is in a relationship with someone who she loves and who loves her.

However being sexuality active since I was 15, didn't ruin my life. I had a good education, have had good jobs, married with 2 kids and now own my own business.

I am happy and have a good life.

superman How do you ensure that your 17 year old children do as they are told - even if they disagree with you?
How have you taught them that they must stay in when you say so, have sex where and when you say so etc?

What about the teens at work? Do you notify their parents if they behave in a way that you think their parents might object to?

Where do we as parents draw the line on that then? Your Body - Your Rules

You have clearly seen that your control is limited whether you like it or not. At 16 you have the power to advise, love and provide for your daughter, but you have limited power to control her physically.

We could argue the toss about morals, but it won't change the situation you are in.

Well op I think you sound lovely. You started this thread desperate, confused and angry. You've listened, thought and adjusted rather than reacting and defending. If you can keep that mind set with your daughter she is a very lucky girl.

Listening and hearing are the single most important skills with a teen imo. Fwiw, I agree with some others, sex is part of life experience. She's not chosen for life here, she's going to be fine - she's got a fantastic mother on her side. Knowing you'll be there through the trials and errors, mistakes and triumphs is huge. You just need to remember that they are her mistakes now, she's not repeating yours

Perhaps posters should put a line at the end of their posts to explain they're situation in life so that that can be taken into consideration by readers \

eg DM/DF of 3 Teens
DM of 1 pfb
Psychotherapist with x years experience.
etc

Yes- a 16yr old is still a child and yes they need protection.
However they are fast approaching adulthood- definitely in another 24 months and possibly in only 13 months and you can't just treat them like a 13 yr old.
You have to be realistic and discuss it with them as if they are an adult and their views count.
You also have to be realistic about other parents and realise that they have a whole range of views. Some will phone you and some wouldn't dream of phoning you.
I still don't understand what those who just say 'my child is not going to do this' expect- the child to say 'I see the error of my ways and of course I will do as you say' and then go back to the life and relationship that they had last year? It won't happen! Young love is very powerful and young love that has the world (or parents) against them is extremely powerful! There is nothing more fuelling to a love affair than opposition and the thrill of secrecy.
You need to get it into the boring and mundane. Have the boyfriend around a lot, get him as part of the family and see him 'warts and all'.

'

SS I don't think it matters what qualifications and experience people have.
What I think would help is practical suggestions as to how the OP can achieve what she wants to achieve from those posters who have said it is possible.
So far, the only practical advice the OP has had that supports her PoV is the observation that it is possible in other cultures!

Saying 'yes OP, I agree with you and the other posters are feckless' is all very well, but there have been no constructive suggestions as to how parents can achieve the compliance from teens that the OP is seeking.

It is also legal for a 5 to 16 year old to drink alcohol in their own home or on private premises. I will assume you don't have an issue with that either.

It is possible to prevent a 5 year old from drinking by not giving them access to alcohol. It is possible (to an extent) to impose sanctions on a 15 year old. Any older and the threat of 'my house, my rules' can increasingly be met with 'I'll go to someone else's house then'.

The OP isn't currently able to 'enforce her will' because her DD is elsewhere.

It's not clear what practical advice you are giving - the OP's DD has not threatened to leave, she has left.

Pretty
If there is a cause for concern about the behaviour of a child then yes, parents are notified. That is why we can never promise a child complete confidentiality. They are made aware of that. We have to make a judgement.

Would you be so accepting of your DD having sex with a 20 year old? A 25 year old? After all, it is still legal isn't it.

Clearly this thread has shown that we all have very different ideas as to what we would tolerate and what we would challenge.

superman - who decides whether the behaviour of the teens at work is cause for concern?

In the OPs case, she expects her DDs BFs parents to contact her about behaviour she considers is concerning, but they don't.

What if teens in you care behave in a way that you don't think is concerning, but their parents would if you had told them about it?

As you say - all parents have different boundaries. Once in their teens, DCs can choose whether to comply or not. In my experience, the most effective parenting is to equip DCs with the skills they need to make those choices before they face them.

The prob was the fall out which sent DD to her DB's. Then the usual paths are missing.

I think there had been probs with the DD in earlier teens which might have lead to the OP being more protective than usual.

And that this protectiveness lead to the fall out.

I was cast out and had no one to turn to, so I fumbled my way through and made too many wrong choices, that yes, I do regret. Is it so bad that I wished for my daughter to have a little more maturity and life experience first?

One of the hard things about having children is watching them make mistakes. However, they need to be make their own mistakes. Your daughter's decision to sleep with her boyfriend may or may not be a mistake. She is not you.

The difference will not be that she never makes a mistake. The difference will be that she won't be cast out.

I didn't think the thread was about the OP being able to control her DD because she says so, but whether another set of parents would call the first set if opposite sex friends were spending the night over.

I personally wouldn't assume that all parents would be okay with that. This thread has shown that opinions do vary and the reasons behind those opinions vary too. It's about respecting other families and their relationships with their children, not deciding for them.

Would you be so accepting of your DD having sex with a 20 year old? A 25 year old? After all, it is still legal isn't it.

No, I might absolutely hate it. However, as the OP has shown, I would have limited power to stop it if the relationship was legal.

Exactly merry - and no matter whether I was happy about my DDs choice of relationship or not, I would not only be "accepting" of the relationship but supportive of my DD, so that if my worst fears were realised, she would still talk to me about it rather than be worried I'd say 'I told you so'.

settling The OP did indicate that she expected the b/f parents to respect her pov and send her DD home rather than let her stay, or insist on separate rooms rather than allowing the teens to sleep together.
Interesting as the b/f is 18, which is the age a lot of posters on this thread have said that a teen is no longer expected to comply with parental boundaries.
Yet the expectation is that the b/f parents should intervene in their adult sons legal choices!

It was about the other parents phoning her but I am surprised that she has had 16 yrs of parenting and still expects all parents to do as she would!

You need to think to the future. A friend of mine had a 21yr old boyfriend when she was 16 yrs and it caused no end of problems, and her relationship with her mother never properly recovered ( although they still see each other) . It all looks pretty silly now that they have been married 40 years, have 2 very successful university educated daughters and 2 grand children.

Communication is the key- 2 way communication. And stop expecting other parents to do the same as you.

I'm not criticising the way they have handled their own son, I am questioning the way they have treated someone else's daughter.

If you forbid it and she carries on in secret she can't come to you if it hits problems.

And stop expecting other parents to do the same as you.

^This

It cuts both ways you know. I'd err on the side of caution and assume some parents may be more conservative.

There is a big difference between "forbidding" something, and expecting a phone call to know where your 16 year old is for the night and with whom.

expecting a phone call to know where your 16 year old is for the night and with whom.

She wasn't living with the Op at the time