To expect a phone call and backing from another parent?

[MJ686]

My first post here, advice needed please.

Put yourself in my shoes please ..

Single mum of 16yr old daughter. She has an 18yr old boyfriend, she met him in July. She had asked me previously if she could have a sleep over at his house, the answer from me was NO. She ran away and stayed with her elder brother for a fortnight during an almighty row with me about putting her boyfriend before her studies. I've since found out that she's had sex with her boyfriend and that whilst staying at her brothers she has been allowed by the boyfriend's Mum and Dad to sleep over at their house and sleep in the boyfriend's bed with him.

Shocked, hurt and angry are only a few of the emotions I am feeling right now, but I think the worst is the betrayal I feel from the other parents. Isn't there an unspoken parental code where we are all supposed to back each other up and support each other? I know if my 18yr old son had brought a girl home and said, "Hey, it's ok if we sleep together here tonight, Mum, you're cool with that, right?" Well, firstly, I wouldn't ever allow that as I am not as liberal as I am being told I should be! And secondly, even if I was liberal, I would have said, "Whoa! Hold your horses Boy, does her Mum know she's here and does she have permision for that? Yes? Ok, let's just check shall we, what's your Mum's number, let me give her a call".

I asked my daughter if his Mum had even spoken to her about contraception or safe sex, of course the answer was NO, yet she willingly allowed them to sleep together, during a time that SHE KNEW my daughter was having a teenage strop and arguing with me, so she was hardly in a place where she wanted to talk to me about being safe, she was in a vunerable place and still his parents allowed this.

I'm so very angry about this and can't see how I can get over how I feel. The two kids are, of course, professing undying love for each other and telling me I should just "get over it as not everyone has the same morals as you" and "everyone's doing it now, it's normal for 16yr olds" "you come from a different era" and "wouldn't you rather we were doing it somewhere safe". God, I haven't even met his parents, but I hate them already.

It very much depends on the teenager too. My DS left home and was working/supporting himself mostly at 16. My DSD (almost 16) is really young for her age and I can't imagine the situation even coming up for years!

On the issue of them phoning, yes I would want/expect a phone call. When my son was still at home, he had a friend who used to turn up on our doorstep to stay. Difficult home situation/parents, but I always phoned his dad to let him know he was safe/at ours. No long conversation, just a courtesy call. Parents of teenagers should at least do that.

Well, I'd hope other parents wouldn't let my child take drugs or drink even if they were very liberal about these things. I'd hope they'd respect my wishes when it came to that. I'd expect them to, yes. Obviously the only home I can lay down the law in, is mine.

That was my point Enjoirass.
What I wanted to know is what those who expect the DD to follow their guidance do in this case where it hasn't worked.
Pointless saying 'I respected my mum' or 'my DD respects my view'- this one hasn't and doesn't!
There will have to be compromise to get her home.

Difficult home situation/parents, but I always phoned his dad to let him know he was safe/at ours.

I presume he lived with his dad?

The ops dd is living with the ops son, who knew where she was.

Sadly I know of a parent who buys her children canabis. You can't rely on other parents. Presumably you knew the number of the parent Keeptrudging - not sure how you manage if they won't give it and they are called Smith!

Sorry - missed a 'n' out- cannabis.

I 'manage' by making it clear that they are more than welcome to stay, but on my terms, which means a quick call home (either they do it or I do). Just because they are almost adults doesn't mean I have to give up any/all rules. Teenagers strop off/disappear, at least this way their parents aren't worrying about where they are. It's an easy worry to ease compared to the ones about sex/drugs/alcohol/assaults.

And yes if a 16 year old turned up on the door step saying I have run away or me and mum have had an argument and I walked out, I would call the parents.

To say they are safe.

But this doesn't apply here because the it was unexpected, she had moved out into another family members house, who knew where she was.

But that is you- probably me too.
However, if OP has got nothing else from the thread it should be the realisation that all parents won't contact or back up. She is not unreasonable to think they should, but unreasonable to expect they will.

Hello again, thank you again everyone for your comments. It seems this is a contentious issue with differing views.

Yesterday was a long emotional day but I am pleased to report that my daughter and I have found a way back to each other and she's home.

Firstly, I would just like to answer a couple of comments regarding some posters thinking my daughter had 'left' home, that she seems to be from a broken home and also about my sons role..

Firstly, Yes it was a 'runaway strop' not an 'I've left home', she took 3 pairs of knickers, 2 outfits, a bag full of make-up and a handful of books! She didn't even take her phone charger! I hardly think that says, 'I'm leaving home'.

DinosaursRoar No, she is NOT from a broken home and Yes, the boyfriend's parents DID & DO KNOW that. Single parent does not mean broken home, nor does pushing boundaries, teenage rebellion, having a row with your mum or a runaway strop! Her father is dead. She has been raised, alone by me since she was 2, in a loving, caring home with rules and boundaries that have kept her safe and secure and able to grow into the amazing, beautiful teenager (because she's not yet an adult) that she is. I also said she had few 'friends' her own age, I never said she didn't have 'hobbies', she has a good and full life but it's been a different life to many her own age due to health issues. She has hobbies that are related to what she wants to do in her future and these are mostly attended by adults, I haven't nor would I force her to change hobbies just because there's not many kids around.

Regarding my son, well he's had his own problems. He dropped out of Uni because of various lifestyle choices he made and has spent many years being (by his own admission) totally selfish. He is 10 years older than my daughter and when she was going through many serious health issues and operations, he was off leading a hedonistic lifestyle and only giving a damn about himself, he wasn't there for her and she was very hurt by this. It is only VERY recently that he has settled and is trying to put right past wrongs, therefore, he tried too hard to please her, taking her side and indulging her teenage strop because he wanted her to forgive him. He admitted yesterday he should have handled this better, that he should have called me and asked for advice, but she was begging him to be on her side and he didn't want to hurt her again by taking an adult stance with her.

Anyway, my daughter and I had a long, long talk yesterday. After calming down on here the previous day, I was able to understand myself and how I was feeling and I was able to explain that to her. I understand now that what she was fighting against was what she saw as control and that is my fault. My fears for her to not be hurt, to not make my mistakes, and perhaps my over-protection because of all she has been through, have not been portrayed to her as fears, they have been portrayed, wrongly, as control. That was never my intention, yet somehow I couldn't see that I was doing it.

We have come to a new understanding and reached compromises that suit us both. She will put her studies first until her exams in June. I will reach out to the boyfriend and be more understanding of their relationship and he will be spending more time with us, I will also be taking her to the Doctors to discuss contraception. There were many more things discussed, of course, and we are both very happy with the outcome. She does understand that she still needs guidance, boundaries, rules, like be home by a certain time etc and has accepted that. Equally, I have accepted that she is in need of more faith and trust in her and her choices and I will give her that, Always.

As for the boyfriend's parents, I sorry but my stance there has not moved. I always would phone another parent to check they were ok with something. That is just me, I know, my principles, my way. I do live by 'treat others the way you would wish to be treated'. I don't think that's wrong and I'm sorry some of you do.

So this is me, thanking you all, good and bad comments, I am hopeful for my little family's future and wish you all happiness and good health.

Much love,
MJ x

Lovely that you have your daughter home, OP. I'm glad.

So pleased that you have both talked things through. It sounds like you've made a huge amount of progress, and I think you sound like a lovely mum . It's so hard at times negotiating the teenage years and trying above all to still keep a good bond whilst gradually letting them grow into adults.

On a side note, I too hate the term 'broken home'. We were a loving, complete family when it was 'just' me and my children before I met my husband. We too had rules/boundaries. It's a really judgemental term, with the implication that a lone parent family is somehow 'less' or negligent when it comes to parenting.

That's a nice update OP. Hopefully by posting on MN you could see that there are many viewpoints on this subject, not just your own, and I hope that we have helped in the compromise you have reached with your dd.

I don't agree with you about the boyfriends parents, but anyway, that is just what it is. They act in one way, and you another.

All the best.

Glad to hear that your DD is back home that everyone is feeling better.

I am getting confused about the posts that seem to suggest that the fact the DD may be rebelling and have run away from home makes a difference as to how the girl should be/can be treated.

For me, a 16 year old is a child. A child I have a duty of care for. (I don't care what the legal minimum requirements are, I am talking about my own sense of right/wrong and obligation.) I would treat a boy or girl in those circumstances with as much respect and care as I would a child in better circumstances. I wouldn't say, well they are on their own, so I may as well let them do any impulsive thing they might like to do at the moment. No tacit permission from mum and dad means no shared bed. They might be offered the couch though.

So gald to hear that you have resolved things with your dd. Sounds like a great outcome.

Yeah, I would hate them too. In the end of the day though, your daughter is not their responsibility. Other people think differently. Parent differently. No point really getting the rage with them. But I totally sympathise with the reaction. I'd be there too.

I also agree 16 is far too young to be running around having sex with her boyfriend. But it's too late to avoid that.

I know it is v hard, but the priority for me would be to get her back under my roof. Is she back with you or still bouncing between her brother and her boyf?

Plus you know, it's not the end of the world. Starting your sexual life is never easy, too late, too soon, too much, not enough, not in love, too in love whatever, you're almost guaranteed there's gonna be angst and tears. She's started it, whether you like it or not and if it was me, I probably focus on trying to help her deal with it and however it evolves as maturely as possible. I'd probably set up some boundaries for the relationship, with the aim of keeping her as grounded as possible and focusing less on drama with Mum and more on school.

Much MUCH easier blather on about here than actually put into practice I KNOW.

But really, you need to be thinking about how you all move on from here and forget about regretting her choices too much. It's not what you wanted, it's not what I would want for my daughter, but it's done.

Ah, I see you have moved on! And she's home excellent, not easy, well done!

OP I am glad to read your update. My son is a similar age to your daughter and he said something the other day that made me realise how close he is to adulthood. I have been so busy with life, I had a moment where I suddenly realised that he is no longer a child. He has not got a girlfriend yet but reading this thread has made me realise that this day will probably come and not to be taken too much by surprise when it does. I always talk to parents of my children's friends - similarly, I would phone up my children's girlfriends / boyfriends, in a friendly way.

Parents of my children's boyfriends / girlfriends I mean.

Well done- open communication was always the key- and compromise.

YABU basically you are expecting the bf mum to upheld your values that she doesn't share.

Pleased you have made up with your dd. Just wanted to comment on your. "I live by treat others as you would wish you be treated " If the bf pare tshirt are OK with him and your dd sleeping together in the same room they ARE treating you as they would wish to be treated it's just their values are different to yours.

Doesn't make them wrong and you right it means you have a difference of opinion. One that can't be compromised as one of you would have to do something you don't agree with. Personally I am with the bf. Parents and would not have called. I have a 18.year old dd and a 16 year old dd so I do have a relevant experience I just don't happen to agree with your opinion on that issue. Again doesn't make me right and you wrong. Just makes us having different opinions.

Thanks for update OP - that was kind of you. I am so pleased you have found your way back to each other. Well done for making that happen. Onwards and upwards!

What a good result, OP. Your dd is lucky to have someone who is so reflective and capable of meeting her half-way.