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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP stayed out all night

421 replies

Lbee123 · 05/12/2015 06:11

I don't think I'm being unreasonable so I guess it's more a wwyd.

DP had a works conference which was followed by a Christmas party this evening. He planned to stay until after the meal and drive home (wasn't drinking and venue approx 1 hour ish away). The party was scheduled until around midnight but some people had rooms booked in the hotel and the bar would be open plus they are right by a large city popular for nightlife.

I spoke to him around 9.30 and they had just started mains, he had decided to have a drink and was going to get a taxi home once they had finished with dessert(not sure if at this point it was a hint for a lift as I'm 30 weeks pregnant so hadn't been out drinking myself).

Anyway, that's the last I heard from him and he still hasn't come home or been in touch.

I am furious... I think staying out all night with no contact is not okay, he's been known to do this in the past but rarely and not for quite some time.

So firstly aibu to be pissed off? And if I'm not then wwyd?

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 05/12/2015 09:52

Oh OP he sounds like a right shitbag,how the fuck would he feel if he got back to an empty house and had no idea where you were an you wouldn't answer the phone to him.

I think you really need to put your foot down and lay some ground rules,you should never have to do that with another adult let alone one that's soon to become a father but with this adult I think you'll have to.

I couldn't live in that kind of relationship ever again,my ex husband did the same once when I was about 36-38 weeks pregnant with our first and he went out on the piss with his brother,we were staying at my Mum and Dad's at the time,I was seriously ill as well with the pregnancy.My Mum and Dad thought the sun shone out of his arse,they stayed up with me(he had no key to get in and knew that)until just gone midnight and then my Dad said that's it go to bed and put the lock on the fucker can sleep in the fucking garden and it'll serve him right if he freezes to death,and like I said they had thought he was great.

I stayed up till 3.30 in the morning waiting up for him.When he got in no sorry no nothing,as far as he was concerned he'd done nothing wrong.I stayed with that arse for another 4 years.

I've remarried and it would never cross my DH's mind to do that ever,when he's worked nights he's text and rung up to check me and the children were all okay and that was work not a night out.

You deserve so much more and so does your unborn child Flowers

ILiveAtTheBeach · 05/12/2015 09:53

He just doesn't give a shit about the OP or their baby. She could have gone in to early labour or had a complication. He's pissed up. He's an hour away. He's not in contact. I mean, ffs, who does this to their other half? I'm not pregnant, and if my DH pulled this stunt, I would go balistic. In fact, I wouldn't be here when he got home. I'd stay away for a few days and let him worry (but would his guy even worry?) And I hate to say it, but I think the lack of contact was because he was with another woman, who doesn't know the Op exists. Otherwise, why not contact? Uugh.

Dowser · 05/12/2015 09:55

Yes, good post rickety.

Mine was never physically abusive. He was very good at playing the good father, good husband. He loved his kids and maybe even loved me but there was a nasty streak in him, like the devil was in the driving seat when he strutted round like an entitled little cock.

Basically he wanted to behave like he wanted and I was expected to suck it up.

My new husband...calls it little mans disease. He was 5 feet five !

TheBunnyOfDoom · 05/12/2015 09:56

I don't get the impression that OP would have said no if he'd arranged it in advance.

No, but OP did mention she doesn't like plans changing and would have been angry if halfway through the night he decided to stay later. As they had no plans today, imo he should have been able to do that. I am guessing he didn't text because he knew she'd be angry, so decided to stay and have fun and deal with the anger afterwards.

Goodbetterbest · 05/12/2015 09:59

You don't put your life on hold for 9 months because your OH is PG. You are still allowed to get pissed and stay out all night. Just as OP is when she's had the baby if that's what she chooses.

In fact, OP, I rather hope you do!

Lweji · 05/12/2015 09:59

What if the op had said no?
She is heavily pregnant. She could be worried. He should at least have talked to her and put a safety system in place for contact. As it is, he just shows he doesn't care about the op's needs or opinions. Nor with the baby.

Dowser · 05/12/2015 10:00

Reading ontheholidays post reminded me of a time when I too was I'll with three little ones . One a baby of 18 months and I was really ill.

I asked him not to go out. The children were very restless and I needed to just stay in bed.

Oh did he kick up stink. I'd been poorly for a couple of weeks so it wasn't like this had suddenly come on.

He was horrible and I ended up crying. A couple of days later I was taken into hospital with pneumonia.

Horrible, horrible man.

Blueandwhitelover · 05/12/2015 10:02

Nothing's happened? He has upset you, you are heavily pregnant and should be a priority over pulling an all nighter with his workmates.

LindyHemming · 05/12/2015 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clam · 05/12/2015 10:02

I wouldn't have a problem with my dh staying out all night, but I sure as hell would take isssue with the vile way this one's gone about it.

He says it's your problem? How about you make it his now, by telling him you're out, unless he starts showing you he does actually care for and respect you?

AyeAmarok · 05/12/2015 10:03

He's a twat!

His texts to you Angry I'm raging on your behalf. I would occasionally forget to text if I was going to be an hour or two late home if I was out with a friend, but it's because we'd be chatting and catching up and my phone would be in my bag so hadn't noticed the time. As soon as I'd have my phone in my hand I'd let DP know what was happening. The fact he went on WhatsApp and IGNORED YOU, that says a lot. So little respect

And yes to every word Rick said.

TheBunnyOfDoom · 05/12/2015 10:03

Pregnant or not, I don't see what harm him staying all night would do. If she was okay with him staying all night if agreed in advance, why not be okay with exactly the same thing arranged at the last minute? I think he knew he wouldn't be able to stay late without being "in trouble" so just did it anyway.

I'm NOT sticking up for him or saying his behaviour was okay, it's appalling he just went out and didn't get in touch, but imo he should be able to decide at 9pm that he wants to stay late/overnight without it causing a row.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 05/12/2015 10:05

Ultimately the 'not contacting' is about control. I don't think it means there was an OW. It's just about OP's 'D'P showing he can do what he likes.

It would only have taken a few minutes at most to text her to say he was staying overnight. He chose not to because he's proving a point. The point being that he doesn't care if she worries. He doesn't care what she thinks. Actually just that he doesn't care full stop.

He thinks it puts him in control of the relationship because OP would want a to happen so he's doing b. It's all a tiring game to arses like this. Seriously op let him play it with someone else because if you look at all the posts from women who have been where you are, it seems only one decided she could live with it (and that wasn't a poster, it was a poster's friend of a friend). It's a soul destroying way to live.

ohtheholidays · 05/12/2015 10:07

Dowser that's awful and so sad (unmumsnetty hugs)I've had pneumonia it's bloody horrible.

I hope he's either a distant memory or he's completely changed and treats you with love and respect now.

livvylongpants · 05/12/2015 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goodbetterbest · 05/12/2015 10:09

The OPs OH has simply failed to manage his situation, causing hurt and upset.

OP hasn't been unreasonable and has simply asked to be treated with consideration and respect.

He needs to understand this. All he is doing is making matters worse by not taking responsibility. My 12 yo son understands this.

You'd hope he'd have learnt these basic principles years ago. It's exhausting parenting your husband.

SmashleyHop · 05/12/2015 10:12

I'm 30 weeks along myself and if DH did something like this I would be fuming. I would have packed my bag, a bag for our kids and I would be gone for at least the weekend. Unreachable- I would let him see what it is like to have to wonder and worry about me for a change. If he didn't worry at all, that would speak volumes to me. I don't think I would continue to be in a relationship with someone who thought this behavior was acceptable.

My DDad used to be like this. He would take off for hours and be completely unreachable. My mom would be worried sick, pissed off (having to field a load of phone calls for him from people wondering where he was as they had meetings or appts with him) Even now in the world of cell phones he still leaves his phone off/uncharged/at home. People like this don't change. Not unless they want to.

BeyondThirty · 05/12/2015 10:13

Bunnyofdoom, i think there is a difference with being irritated if plans change while he is out and angry if plans change. I had no issue at all with dh staying out (back when he could), doesnt mean it wouldnt make me irritable if i waited up and then he text me saying he wasnt coming home!

BeyondThirty · 05/12/2015 10:14

And no, fuck would i be parenting my husband. Acting like a child is not attractive.

Enjolrass · 05/12/2015 10:15

I can't believe anyone would be ok with their OH going out, saying they will be back and then coming back without so much as a text.

Sorry but I don't believe it.

RakeMeHomeCountryToads · 05/12/2015 10:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeyondThirty · 05/12/2015 10:16

Oops, posted too soon.
I would not be teaching him a lesson or explaining how him being a shit makes me feel. He is supposed to be a grown up, and a father!
Fuck that.

RubbleBubble00 · 05/12/2015 10:18

You know he has form. In future tell him to arrange to stay out on drunken nights out. Save you the stress and worry

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 05/12/2015 10:21

One night of doing this doesn't equal a drink problem but doing it regularly is a difference story. My ex used to do this, he had a drink problem. It's all very well saying he can stay out and not make t her problem but she's pregnant! And will soon have a baby.
Op, he isn't sorry, he doesn't think he's done anything wrong. You're onto a loser here I'm afraid

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 05/12/2015 10:22

Oh and I gave up on ex in the end, told him to stay out when he was drinking, this turned into not seeing him for days on end. None of the end points of this scenario equal a functioning marriage.

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