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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP stayed out all night

421 replies

Lbee123 · 05/12/2015 06:11

I don't think I'm being unreasonable so I guess it's more a wwyd.

DP had a works conference which was followed by a Christmas party this evening. He planned to stay until after the meal and drive home (wasn't drinking and venue approx 1 hour ish away). The party was scheduled until around midnight but some people had rooms booked in the hotel and the bar would be open plus they are right by a large city popular for nightlife.

I spoke to him around 9.30 and they had just started mains, he had decided to have a drink and was going to get a taxi home once they had finished with dessert(not sure if at this point it was a hint for a lift as I'm 30 weeks pregnant so hadn't been out drinking myself).

Anyway, that's the last I heard from him and he still hasn't come home or been in touch.

I am furious... I think staying out all night with no contact is not okay, he's been known to do this in the past but rarely and not for quite some time.

So firstly aibu to be pissed off? And if I'm not then wwyd?

OP posts:
0verNow · 05/12/2015 09:28

STBXH did this to me once, when I was heavily pregnant and we were due to leave first thing the next morning to go on holiday.

For the only time in our relationship I went ballistic. And he didn't do it again.

But it was indicative of his attitude towards me. He treated me with increasing disrespect over the next decade.

I'm now divorcing him. He says he's heartbroken, raw, had no idea he was treating me so badly, will change.

Well, tough shit. He's an adult, he should have known. I have no desire to be in a relationship with someone who has to be taught to be nice.

MidnightAura · 05/12/2015 09:30

Anyone who would genuinely end a otherwise happy relationship they are bringing a child into over this incident is selfish and equally immature
What?

This isn't a one off incident. The last thing op needs is a selfish man child who behaves this way whilst she's pregnant. It's totally disrespectful. The fact he's text and is acting like nothing is wrong speaks volumes for what a twat he is!

He needs to grow up soon he will be a father and buggering off on a bender without telling your partner is pretty shit in my book.

Bunbaker · 05/12/2015 09:31

Perhaps the OP's partner was with Sharon last night.

ShowMeTheWonder · 05/12/2015 09:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

0verNow · 05/12/2015 09:34

It amazes me that the people (and it seems to usually be men) who think it's OK to disappear overnight without a word don't understand that it's not the night out that's the issue, it's the lack of communication.

When STBXH went out with work colleagues, he'd stumble home pissed in the early hours, waking me up. I used to beg him to get a hotel so he wouldn't disturb me!

Just treat me with some respect, that's all I ask.

Lweji · 05/12/2015 09:36

It should and it is OK for him to have a night out, but not letting you know and being out of reach at this time is unacceptable.

ArmchairTraveller · 05/12/2015 09:38

'obv am sorry. But tbh it should be ok for me to have a night out with people from work.'

Avoiding the issue. My children are adult now, and that response would not be acceptable at any time from them, let alone from my OH. Who often has nights out and occasionally nights away, as do we all.
It's not about a leash, it's about respect and communication.

ricketytickety · 05/12/2015 09:39

Been in this situation with ex. It is a tiring, anxiety ridden, disrespectful place to be. Because:

  1. He does not care that you have been up all night wondering where he is
  2. He does not care that he should have told you what his plans were
  3. He is punishing you - going online and waiting a couple of hours to reply to your text/calls is a punishment. Not avoiding an argument. It is stonewalling and it is designed to wear you down some more so he can get his way.
  4. He has absolutely not apologised. You can't say 'sorry' and then say 'but it should be alright for me to do this.' Listen to what he is actually saying 'I am not sorry because I think what I did is my right to do and I will be doing it again, so you better shut up and accept it.'

Eventually, he will make it perfectly clear how little he gives a shit.

So, can you change him? In my experience, no. How can you make a person care when they just don't give a shit? It is a fundamental personality trait that can't just go away. You mention he is like it with other things like the washing up. What do you mean? Does he tell you he'll do something and then not bother, then tell you you are a nag for asking him to do it? Have you reached the point where his control tactics make you concede and let him win in order for there not to be an argument where he calls you a nag? If you have, then he has done what he set out to do and that is to have his cake and tell you to put up with it.

I know you have gone back to bed for rest, but I would seriously consider asking him to move out whilst you decide whether you want this relationship to continue. If you think it's stressful now whilst you are pregnant, imagine what it's like when you have a crying baby at 4am. I've been there and trust me it's a living nightmare and I tried my best but he wore me down so much it took my attention away from the baby. He was always first. He would come home pissed and I would be livid but could not say a word because he would kick off. It started with an argument, progressed to him calling me names, then throwing stuff then...well you can guess how it progressed.

If someone is telling you they don't respect you when you are carrying their child, listen and heed the warning. You have dreams of a perfect family, but that doesn't always have to be with a man. It certainly won't be perfect if he carries on with this shit.

Sorry, but I wish someone had told me this when I was pregnant many moons ago. It would have saved me a lot of heartache.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 05/12/2015 09:41

I just read his second text to you op ffs this is not about his right to have a night out with people from work. And that response shows he has no remorse and is just going to keep acting like this. As a PP said, do you want to have the role of finger-wagging mother because that's where he's trying to put you? I'd be so tempted to text back 'Have as many nights out as you like but I won't be here waiting for you.'

I'm Angry on your behalf and that's partly because I've been there with STBXH and I really, really wish I'd left the first time he pulled a stunt like that.

WelshMoth · 05/12/2015 09:41

As others have said, he's dodging the point completely. Going out is fine. Not coming home and ignoring texts is twattish behaviour. Minimising your feelings is undermining you and taking you for a mug.

You are not in the wrong here, not at all.

Hopefully you're sleeping OP.

YouGottaKeepEmSeparated · 05/12/2015 09:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoingDownToLiverpool · 05/12/2015 09:42

Yy to overnow and everyone. Thetes a similar thread on here with a bloke being unreliable about when he gets home, they have a 5week old. It would drive me mental, the saying you'll do something and then not bothering. Its like you don't really exist, they still think they are the centre of the world and have not GROWN THE FUCK UP. Spoilt brat. He isn't 6 any more.

These are not the actions of a man, not the actions of a parent.

I wonder if his mum thoughtthe sun shone out of his entiled little a*hole? So AngryAngry on your behalf (can you tell?)

abbieanders · 05/12/2015 09:42

It's good of him to prepare you in advance for what will be the main point in favour of your forgiving his behaviour - his sacred rights. We all have rights. Marriage, famously, halves your rights and doubles your responsibilities. Having a child quarters your half rights again.

You may be a mother, but your not his mother. I have rights and you can't tell me what to do is utterly inadequate.

abbieanders · 05/12/2015 09:42

You're, of course.

WelshMoth · 05/12/2015 09:42

It's not about a leash, it's about respect and communication.

^ this. Totally.

ricketytickety · 05/12/2015 09:43

And the golden rule: you are upset because he has hurt you.

It is his fault, not yours, that he has chosen to behave this way. Don't let him tell you you are oversensitive or a nag or controlling. All of these are tactics used to make you shut up and self reflect, getting more confused as to why you are so upset. You are upset because he has fundamentally disrespected you.

iwantbrewstersmillions · 05/12/2015 09:47

What a total cock. I'm angry just reading it.

He will make you feel this is all in your head, emotional. But you are not, you can't just go out and not communicate with your partner.

Borninthe60s · 05/12/2015 09:47

What an absolute twat.

I imagine he feels trapped and this is his way of proving to,himself he's not and he can still do what he wants. By putting up with it you are enabling it and he will continue after baby is born.

Next weekend you do it to him and see how he reacts.

After that I'd leave him and find someone who values you and your child enough to care about your feelings.

Penfold007 · 05/12/2015 09:48

OP he has told you quite clearly on multiple occasions that he has no respect for you and will not change his behaviour. You now need to decide if this is acceptable to you.

Those posters saying if he was wasted last night he still over the limit are quite right.

Dowser · 05/12/2015 09:48

Oh op I was married to that person.
It's just horrible.

My husband was a cheater, and the two I found out about we're the tip of the iceberg.

Yours may not be cheating, but their scarlet pimpernel attitude to the relationship can set up a situation where if they want to cheat they've given themselves the cover already.

It's a very controlling thing to do.
Think about it. If he's that way inclined and he may be, he might have never had any intention of coming home but set you up from the get go as in, yes I'm not drinking, I'm driving home after the meal. Oops there goes a flying pig.

Like water dripping on a stone it wears you down. You'll live with a false sense of security for a while, when everything is going along ok, then he'll throw a curve ball and you'll be right back to this point again.

I lived with it for 30 years with three children. It didn't manifest till well into the relationship when he had more opportunity and more money .

I think it's your decision. If he has form for this I think you need to decide that having done it once too often do you want this life forever.
Can you live with it?
How much will it eat away at you.

You've got some tough decisions to make.

TheBunnyOfDoom · 05/12/2015 09:49

What an arrogant shit.

It SHOULD be okay for him to stay out late/all night WHEN he has the common decency to arrange it with you first. The reason he didn't is because he knew you'd say no, so by saying nothing, he gets to do it anyway and only has to deal with the repercussions in the morning.

He obviously thinks the consequences (you being angry, disappointed, etc.) are worth it for a night out.

However I will say, he should have been able to text you with a change of plans without you getting angry. You did mention earlier you don't like his plans changing but why shouldn't be able to decide he's having a good time and wants to stay out later without it impacting on family activities, he should be able to do that, I think.

Jibberjabberjooo · 05/12/2015 09:49

Oh so he's making out you're the bad person for wanting to stop him going out. It's all your fault.

He's a dick. He doesn't care. He doesn't give a shit that you were worried. He will do it again, only you'll be with a baby.

Jibberjabberjooo · 05/12/2015 09:49

Just to add, I'm aware you aren't bothered that he goes out.

Goodbetterbest · 05/12/2015 09:51

He is an adult, he can stay out all night if he chooses.

What he can't do is be an inconsiderate knob who doesn't have the basic courtesy to text you and say 'it's looking like a big one, going to carry on and stop over'. How hard is that??

It's the lack of consideration and respect for you that's the issue.

I wouldn't be al all surprised if, once the baby is here, he pulls an all-nighter as some sort of reaction. I've known a few men who have exhibited this behaviour (my XH included) and it took a long time to get the message 'I don't have a problem with you staying out, I have a problem with you not telling me' to get through.

He knows he's done wrong because he has minimised it.

He knows he's done wrong because he didn't contact you and doesn't want to face it.

I don't think you confront him. I think you should explain he is an adult and can do as he pleases, but you are just disappointed that he doesn't think enough of you to treat you with respect.

It made me sad more than anything.

0verNow · 05/12/2015 09:51

It SHOULD be okay for him to stay out late/all night WHEN he has the common decency to arrange it with you first. The reason he didn't is because he knew you'd say no, so by saying nothing, he gets to do it anyway and only has to deal with the repercussions in the morning

I don't get the impression that OP would have said no if he'd arranged it in advance.