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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP stayed out all night

421 replies

Lbee123 · 05/12/2015 06:11

I don't think I'm being unreasonable so I guess it's more a wwyd.

DP had a works conference which was followed by a Christmas party this evening. He planned to stay until after the meal and drive home (wasn't drinking and venue approx 1 hour ish away). The party was scheduled until around midnight but some people had rooms booked in the hotel and the bar would be open plus they are right by a large city popular for nightlife.

I spoke to him around 9.30 and they had just started mains, he had decided to have a drink and was going to get a taxi home once they had finished with dessert(not sure if at this point it was a hint for a lift as I'm 30 weeks pregnant so hadn't been out drinking myself).

Anyway, that's the last I heard from him and he still hasn't come home or been in touch.

I am furious... I think staying out all night with no contact is not okay, he's been known to do this in the past but rarely and not for quite some time.

So firstly aibu to be pissed off? And if I'm not then wwyd?

OP posts:
Cockbollocks · 05/12/2015 10:29

IMO you need to talk with him calmly about it later when you are not furious and he is not tired and hungover.

It is not acceptable when you are so pregnant to not be uncontactable or him being so drunk that if there was an issue he would be completely useless. Tell him how unimportant and uncared for that made you feel.

Pregnancy aside.

My dp is terrible for going out with a group of particular friends and coming in hours after he said, they just seem to turn into teenagers when they have had a few, over the years we had many arguments about him saying he was going out for a xmas beer with the lads and wouldn't be late only for him to turn up at 4am or later. Me angry because I've had no sleep worrying that he's walked home and fallen in a river and he's not replied to my texts.

This happened maybe twice a year so not excessive and to be honest I've just let it go, when he says a boys night is planned I just say "so I won't expect you back then" and make a joke about it. I don't expect him back, I go to bed and write the following day off for the hangover. It causes me much less stress.

If it was happening all the time, then yes its an issue. I understand your planning issue as I am the same so agreeing its a late one works for me.

Also, make sure you get the odd night out when the babies here!!

CheesyNachos · 05/12/2015 10:29

actually I think (personally) that if your drinking is affecting your relationships and means you cannot fulfill your obligations then there is a drink problem. But that is just me.

Junoandthepeacock · 05/12/2015 10:30

How horrible of him. The worst thing ever is no communication.

sinber · 05/12/2015 10:32

What do people do all night for fuck's sake, especially with people they work with all day?

Original poster
Lbee123 · 05/12/2015 10:33

Lots to catch up on so I'll try and make sure I address everything

Had he text me at 11 saying he had decided to stay overnight I'd have been irritated yes, I'd waited up for him and also picked up a bottle of wine for him at his request so I'd have been annoyed but not angry and make a thing of it if that makes sense?

We did have plans today but can easily be moved to tomorrow (supposed to be getting our Christmas tree this morning)

Now that I've had some contact from him and I'm calmed down a little on reflection I think he thinks there is a problem with him going out all night... So he lies to me to keep me quiet and then does it anyway as a quick row and it's all over with. But actually the issue isn't the night out, it's the no contact and the lack of respect...

Trying to explain that to him however is a different matter entirely

OP posts:
TheBunnyOfDoom · 05/12/2015 10:34

I can't believe anyone would be ok with their OH going out, saying they will be back and then coming back without so much as a text.

Nobody has said they'd be okay with that Confused

Original poster
Lbee123 · 05/12/2015 10:37

I even spoke to him last night before 9 and said that's a long way in a taxi (once I realised he had been drinking) are you not just going to stay over

And he said nope he's 100% coming home it will just be a little bit later but not early hours in the morning.

Suppose that wasn't entirely a lie, still not sign of him home and we are no longer in early hours of the morning ha

OP posts:
hefzi · 05/12/2015 10:37

OP, you said he does this to you a couple of times a year in an earlier post: in all honesty, I'd let it go once, but the second time would have been a deal breaker. (I don't mind the out all night, or the changing of the plans - it's not having the courtesy to let me know: and don't get me started on doing that to someone who is heavily pregnant...)

HOWEVER - you've already decided to breed with this man: so you can't just kick him into touch. Try to have a calm conversation, explaining that you're fine with him going out with his mates, and fine with him being out all night- but you would appreciate a text, so you know he's safe. Don't nag and don't moan: just explain calmly. Then calmly explain why that's even more important that you're pregnant. Then, when he does it again - he can't say he wasn't warned!

0verNow · 05/12/2015 10:38

But actually the issue isn't the night out, it's the no contact and the lack of respect...

Yes, that's part of it.

But, IMO, this is by far the bigger part: he lies to me to keep me quiet.

There's something fundamentally broken in people who are willing to lie for an easy life. I speak from bitter, bitter experience.

ISeeIt · 05/12/2015 10:41

Flowers for the shit way you've been treated in the last 24 hrs. You're worth more

UnGoogleable · 05/12/2015 10:45

The 'nothing happened' is ringing bells for me. Why say it?

^^This. Methinks he doth protest too much.

OP, if you have an argument with him, all he'll hear is what he expects to hear - that you're pissed off with him spending the night away with his mates, blah blah blah, why can't he have any fun etc.

You need to make it crystal clear what the issue is here. The no contact is NOT acceptable. Not at any point in a relationship, and certainly not when you're 30 weeks pg.

As for the 'nothing happened' comment. I'd be watching him very carefully for a while.

Junoandthepeacock · 05/12/2015 10:49

Probably gone for the hair of the dog if he's still not home....

Aussiemum78 · 05/12/2015 10:52

Aposey. If the op takes that advice, she will be setting herself up for sitting at home alone with a baby while her husband flits out drinking whenever he feels like it.

It's not that he's not a grown man, or can't stay out, it's common decency and respect to communicate that with the op and not just disappear.

I've lived it. I wish I'd not gone down the "cool girlfriend who doesn't mind" road because I basically did everything for dd while he thought his role was optional and only when convenient because he's a lad.

Cockbollocks · 05/12/2015 10:57

I suspect all men lie a little bit if it keeps the peace. Christ, I would probably lie a little if it suited me!!

I think I know what you mean OP, DP almost seemed afraid to say "actually I'm going out to get fucked and will be in a right state" maybe he thought I would go mad or even felt a bit stupid admitting that sometimes he wanted to behave like a teenager Grin

Also, are people reading the wrong thin into 'nothing happened' I read that as 'nothing happened, nobody died, everyones safe'

Maybe i'm naive.

Haroldplaystheharmonica · 05/12/2015 10:58

More or less every weekend there is a post like this. It's sad as most men are not like the OP's partner and don't stay out all night unless it's all pre-arranged.

MY DH likes a drink and a night out (in fact he's away with the lads this weekend) but he has never stayed out til 7am and not told me where he is. He knows I would worry beyond belief as would he if the situation was the other way round.

I hope you can get this sorted OP and planning the arrival of a baby is such an exciting time. You shouldn't be stressed like this caused by your twat of a partner.

lorelei9 · 05/12/2015 11:04

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this

I would act completely calm and dignified while you think what you'd like to do. Part of a power exercise is he would rather you flap. Don't flap.

expatinscotland · 05/12/2015 11:07

I'll be honest, the only time I did this, many years ago, I was cheating on my boyfriend.

Blu · 05/12/2015 11:13

He should be capable of an unconditional apology , without a 'but' on the end.

I imagine the 'nothing happened' is a response to receiving texts that imply that the OP is worried that she hadn't heard and anything could of happened , to her as a oh woman, and him under a bus etc,

Discuss calmly , OP, and not by text. Talk to him about how you feel about his communication, what the issue actually is, and point out when he is being defensive and making assumptions ( putting you in role as someone who won't 'allow' him to go out), and ask him to listen to what you are actually saying.

Good luck!

AgathaF · 05/12/2015 11:16

Now that I've had some contact from him and I'm calmed down a little on reflection I think he thinks there is a problem with him going out all night... So he lies to me to keep me quiet and then does it anyway as a quick row and it's all over with. But actually the issue isn't the night out, it's the no contact and the lack of respect - exactly this.

Pre-arranged = all ok.
Last minute change of mind, no communication, then stupid texts the next morning = definitely not ok.
Although I doubt it was a last minute change of mind. I suspect he fully intended to do this all along.

Fairenuff · 05/12/2015 11:25

I don't want to be in the relationship if he is going to continue to do this forever. So I don't want to use scare tactics on him, but I also need him to realise that I will leave if it continues.

OP I am so sorry but I think you will end up in a relationship where he keeps doing this.

Scare tactics, last channces, final warnings, etc. mean nothing to him. As you say, you've done them all before.

I really don't know how you can stand it tbh. I just wouldn't want that at all.

TesticleOfObjectivity · 05/12/2015 11:25

Sorry op but the whole situation rings alarm bells of cheating to me. At the very least it shows a level of disrespect to you. Fine, maybe he thought you might be annoyed at him getting drunk/staying out (and at 30 weeks pregnant I would be too), he should at least have had the decency to text you and let you know. And the fact he went on WhatsApp and spoke to other people before leisurely getting in touch with you makes me so angry. I feel so bad for you op. What a cunt.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 05/12/2015 11:26

Did he really start his second text with 'FML', 'fuck my life', like teenagers post when their parents are nagging them? Hmm Or was that a typo?

Dowser · 05/12/2015 11:26

He's not back yet? Why not make yourself scarce.

Can you pack a bag and stay with mum or friend?

ssd · 05/12/2015 11:27

where does he go when he stays out all night, isnt that more the problem rather than the fact he didnt text you?

Enjolrass · 05/12/2015 11:27

That's the point though.

Not that he stayed out.

They way he handled it. Then the brushing off of what he has done.

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