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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP stayed out all night

421 replies

Lbee123 · 05/12/2015 06:11

I don't think I'm being unreasonable so I guess it's more a wwyd.

DP had a works conference which was followed by a Christmas party this evening. He planned to stay until after the meal and drive home (wasn't drinking and venue approx 1 hour ish away). The party was scheduled until around midnight but some people had rooms booked in the hotel and the bar would be open plus they are right by a large city popular for nightlife.

I spoke to him around 9.30 and they had just started mains, he had decided to have a drink and was going to get a taxi home once they had finished with dessert(not sure if at this point it was a hint for a lift as I'm 30 weeks pregnant so hadn't been out drinking myself).

Anyway, that's the last I heard from him and he still hasn't come home or been in touch.

I am furious... I think staying out all night with no contact is not okay, he's been known to do this in the past but rarely and not for quite some time.

So firstly aibu to be pissed off? And if I'm not then wwyd?

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 05/12/2015 09:10

The 'nothing happened' is ringing bells for me. Why say it?

TheTigerIsOut · 05/12/2015 09:10

Keep that key there and do not nag him when he comes, a couple of days of silence can be far more productive than nagging him about his behaviou. And if he talks, let him talk, but don't respond in the same way, as then, as manchildren do, tell you you are the one who is unreasonable.

HannahHobbins · 05/12/2015 09:10

Aaarrrgggghhh! Minimising it already!

Enjolrass · 05/12/2015 09:11

Ah obviously he is sorry!!!

He didn't say it or act like it, after doing this again and it's obvious he is sorry?

Honestly OP I would be really looking at ending this relationship.

It's not just the staying out all night. It's the attitude.

I could be with someone who was like this.

Sansoora · 05/12/2015 09:12

I wouldn't even be taking a pregnancy into any kind of consideration here.

The reality is that its not Ok to stay out all night unless both people in the relationship are totally ok with it.

Trying to wring compassion and understanding out of this fecker is a complete and utter waste of time.

YouGottaKeepEmSeparated · 05/12/2015 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HackerFucker22 · 05/12/2015 09:12

Gosh OP, I am sorry. I'd find the complete and utter disregard to the fact he has been a complete cunt unacceptable and I wouldn't be allowing him back today.

No real consequences just means he will carry on doing this. OK so it might only be a few times a year but it's just not on and when the baby arrives it will just make you even more angry and sad when he does it.

Sighing · 05/12/2015 09:13

But he has made some level of commitment. As for 'individual'. Everyone is, and as an individual is still enmeshed in relationships. It's a load of childish crap to refuse to acknowledge someone phoning you because you're guilty you'll get told off. He's immature (unable to drink his own limit) and being petty (he knows she's concerned). He has no idea how to behave with regard to another adult it would seem.

He'll complain that she's controlling, petty, unreasonable and refuse to take any responsibility for his lack of care for anyone elses feelings.

Do take the highground. Message that you see he's been online thus assume he's not actually hospitalised. Say you're off to do x,y and z (get domething for you, the baby). Give him an ETA and stick to it. He'll think he's off the hook and no doubt treat the house as a hotel too. Spend today planning calm and sensible improvements he (clearly) needs to make in his life if you're going to stay tied to someone incapable of responsibility. Good luck. Those who rail at their need to do as "they want/ be a free agent" don't give a flying fig for anyone else when push comes to shove.

Sharoncatastrophe · 05/12/2015 09:13

Anyone who would genuinely end a otherwise happy relationship they are bringing a child into over this incident is selfish and equally immature

HackerFucker22 · 05/12/2015 09:14

If you don't take a stand now, sadly you probably never will.

Think carefully.

Also is he even safe to be driving? If he was that wasted he couldn't contact you / get home then I suspect he is still over the limit now. He is a cunt!!

CheesyNachos · 05/12/2015 09:16

'nothing happened' screams out at me too.

Creampastry · 05/12/2015 09:16

If you don't make a stand now, welcome to your new shitty life with your dh. You should go out for the day and be uncontactsble.

Sansoora · 05/12/2015 09:17

I think the 'nothing happened' is a ref to I didn't have an accident or the likes.

Kryptonite · 05/12/2015 09:18

Just read the whole thread. To text "nothing happened, don't worry, on my way home" after letting you worry all night - seriously, don't be there when he gets home.
I don't mean leave him completely, that'd be OTT, but I 100% WOULD NOT answer the text and just take myself out for the day.
Let him wonder where YOU'VE gone. He'll be expecting you sat at home like a mug, ready for a row.

Scarydinosaurs · 05/12/2015 09:18

"No one said you can't have a night out, but telling me you're coming home and then staying out without letting me know isn't ok. I wouldn't do it to you, I don't expect it done to me."

LumpySpacedPrincess · 05/12/2015 09:19

Horrible behaviour. Don't let this one go op or you will be in the same position layer down the line. It's not you, it's him.

I would pack a bag for him and leave him on the doorstep, tell him to pick it up and fuck off back to wherever he's been. Tell him you need to consider whether he is worth the effort, twat.

SeldomAthleticFC · 05/12/2015 09:20

Sharon, are you the OP's MIL?

Sharoncatastrophe · 05/12/2015 09:20

Presumably "nothing happened" is in response to OPs multiple texts asking him what's happened

CheesyNachos · 05/12/2015 09:20

I think though the OP had tried being reasonable before. You should not have to explain to a grown adult male why such actions are unacceptable. It's bonkers to me. Just fuckig ring or text. How hard is that? It is about respect/disrespect.

I am not one to say ltb but I reckon the OP should be thinking about her options. This is a man-child, not a man. Why should she be put in the position of finger-waggling mummy trying to teach him manners?

Enjolrass · 05/12/2015 09:21

Anyone who would genuinely end a otherwise happy relationship they are bringing a child into over this incident is selfish and equally immature

if it was once and he was genuinely sorry (and had not gone online and ignored me) I wouldn't.

Under these circumstances I would. Me and my children deserve more respect

timelytess · 05/12/2015 09:22

He's your ex. Well, he'd be mine, if I were in your position.

steppemum · 05/12/2015 09:26

he has missed the point, on purpose, in order to sidestep the responsibility.

This isn't about a night out, it is about going AWOL with no contact.

It is simple, text to say you are staying over, so you nearest and dearest don't start phoning the hospitals.
Or, even better, just arrange to stay over in the first place.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 05/12/2015 09:26

I agree with Aussiemum I would have left the house, checked in to a travel lodge and not answered any texts/calls for about 2 days. He's got away with it, hasn't he? Where the hell did he sleep? Sorry, but I think he's maybe banging someone from work. Pig.

Creiddylad · 05/12/2015 09:26

My ex used to do this sometimes, usually about this time of year. Christmas parties can lead to all sorts of behaviour. It did not really bother me, I worked on the basis that if there was a problem I would hear about it pretty quickly.

Though, I have woken in the morning and thought he had stayed out all night, only to find him asleep on the sofa. Having come in late and crashed there.

I appreciate it can be worrying though, if it was my current DH I would be worried sick as it would be totally out of character for him to to that.

Having a teenage son I am getting used to this behaviour again, though he will usually tell me on his way out if the thinks he will be out all night.

Try not to upset your self too much, if it is in his character to do this, it does not mean he is a bad person, just makes bad judgements and forgets to call when he has had too much to drink. Once or twice a year is not that bad. When you have had the baby he will be too tired to go out anyway.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 05/12/2015 09:27

I think OP , you should get some kip, don't react too hastily and sling him out.

Tell him he's the twat for causing you a lot of worry and see what his reaction is.

If he really doesn't see your point of view then bear this episode in mind when( in the future) you're up at 3 am ,exhausted with a baby and he's out getting bladdered.

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