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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP stayed out all night

421 replies

Lbee123 · 05/12/2015 06:11

I don't think I'm being unreasonable so I guess it's more a wwyd.

DP had a works conference which was followed by a Christmas party this evening. He planned to stay until after the meal and drive home (wasn't drinking and venue approx 1 hour ish away). The party was scheduled until around midnight but some people had rooms booked in the hotel and the bar would be open plus they are right by a large city popular for nightlife.

I spoke to him around 9.30 and they had just started mains, he had decided to have a drink and was going to get a taxi home once they had finished with dessert(not sure if at this point it was a hint for a lift as I'm 30 weeks pregnant so hadn't been out drinking myself).

Anyway, that's the last I heard from him and he still hasn't come home or been in touch.

I am furious... I think staying out all night with no contact is not okay, he's been known to do this in the past but rarely and not for quite some time.

So firstly aibu to be pissed off? And if I'm not then wwyd?

OP posts:
BeyondThirty · 05/12/2015 11:28

Same, expat

"Oh sorry, i fell asleep before i had chance to text you"

TesticleOfObjectivity · 05/12/2015 11:33

Did he really start his second text with 'FML', 'fuck my life', like teenagers post when their parents are nagging them? hmm Or was that a typo?

I thought the same Boulevard. Makes him sound like a sulky teenager.

Junoandthepeacock · 05/12/2015 11:37

Is dfucker home yet?

MrsH1989 · 05/12/2015 11:38

Has he shown up yet? I would be livid!

expatinscotland · 05/12/2015 11:40

Too right, Harold. My h would never dream of doing this, nor me to him. Pre-arranged, sure. It's depressing how many people, nearly all women, put up with this sort of behaviour.

rainbowstardrops · 05/12/2015 11:43

What an utterly selfish bastard! Did you Jack I'm alright!
I'd be fuming. Fine if it was pre-arranged or he'd let you know the plans had changed but to not have enough decency and respect to let you know is appalling. Idiot.

Garlick · 05/12/2015 12:04

"Fml obv am sorry. But tbh it should be ok for me to have a night out with people from work."

Angry

Yet again, he's turned "I'm upset that you said you'd be home and, instead, decided to stay out partying all night without letting me know or taking my calls" into "You can't go out and have fun, ever."

Your husband's acting like a stroppy teenager having a battle of wills with his mother. Do you often feel like you're supposed to be his mum/nanny/matron/gaoler? In what ways is he actually a responsible partner, housemate and father?

Jibberjabberjooo · 05/12/2015 12:08

He's not sorry, he's saying it to get you off his back. None of it means anything.

DragonsCanHop · 05/12/2015 12:15

There is no way I would be in the house when he gets home. What's good for the goose...

Costacoffeeplease · 05/12/2015 12:20

What a headfucker - time to grow up little boy, or bugger off and have as many nights out as you want - he's certainly not father material at the moment

notapizzaeater · 05/12/2015 12:24

I don't think after that text I'd have calmed down, in fact I've have been angrier.

NotWeavingButDarning · 05/12/2015 12:25

Ah yes, this is all so familiar. I too, had a DP who was just like this. He frequently did the staying out with no communication thing but there were also lots of other small, and taken individually, insignificant, lies (usually saying he had done little jobs etc that he hadn't done).

After several years and two DC he told me point blank that his motto was 'It's better to ask for forgiveness than for permission'. I knew then that at his core he was utterly dishonest.

He was seriously shocked when I told him on my way out of the door with the DC that I was all out of forgiveness and did not need his permission to leave him.

They do not change because they're basically so selfish that they genuinely can't see that they're doing anything wrong.

Serioisly, prepare yourself to leave him or to put up with many years of this.

TheoriginalLEM · 05/12/2015 13:13

The issue isn't that he stayed out all night, the issue that is he didn't let you know, in fact he said the opposite to what he did.

That is what you need to make clear.

Is it worth world war 3 over?

probably not.

AnyFucker · 05/12/2015 13:20

if op ever wants to be treated with any respect by this selfish piece of work, it absolutely is worth WW3, in my opinion

BathtimeFunkster · 05/12/2015 13:24

Poor kid about to be born to this selfish, dishonest, irresponsible piece of shit.

abbieanders · 05/12/2015 13:25

Yeah, I don't think I'd be overly keen on looking into new year new baby with the probability that this situation, glossed over, will happen with increasing regularity and possibly increasing aggression towards her for mentioning it.

goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal · 05/12/2015 13:29

He is an immature fuckwit, and to be honest, his subsequent (eventual) texts make him look even WORSE.

Why are you still home? Just go out for the love of god. And stay out. One night with family, or in a semi decent hotel relaxing, having a bath, etc.

He is clearly not going to accept that he is in the wrong, because he is an arrogant, selfish cock.

I bet all of a sudden it won't be so acceptable to be completely out of contact and unreachable.

TendonQueen · 05/12/2015 13:33

It is going to keep happening, OP, without taking a stand. And it will be a lot harder to deal with once the baby's here and you're more physically and financially dependent on him.

Creampastry · 05/12/2015 13:40

No offence but you seem to be a complete mug and allow him to walk over you. Good luck - you will need it.

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 05/12/2015 13:54

H did this. Anything I said about him going out until all hours and coming back in a state was translated into "You are not allowed to go anywhere without me, you are not allowed to ever have an alcoholic drink of any kind, you have a curfew as if you were a child, I will never allow you to go out and have any kind of fun".

When in fact all I had said was that if he wanted to go out and get wasted he was at perfect liberty to do so but that a) he would have to stay at a mates as I did not want him in the house with the kids in that state and b) to let me know when he would be back the next day and stick to it.

Long story short he doesnt get into a state and stay out all night anymore as I made it clear that what was sauce for the goose was sauce of the gander. Sometimes you have to be as big a twat as they are being in order to get the message across. Oh and I spent all day in bed when I finally got home, which was totally unreasonable too, despite that being what he always did!

Saukko · 05/12/2015 13:58

Not returning home without a text means sleeping elsewhere, which reeks of cheating. And if he didn't cheat, he shouldn't act like he is. In fact, even cheaters do better than this. They text with a lie to explain their whereabouts, they concoct a tale. Christ, man, put some effort in!

I don't really know how common it is to go for a night out and not return home without contacting family. For some that might be a regular thing, a sign of 'a good night'.

I'm not one to really judge, I'm spending the morning pissy at DH for going out for a 1pm 'work lunch' and coming home at midnight without any text to suggest or hint at a lengthier original plan. And of course, if you mention it, you're a raging harpy who's clearly demanding he text you every 45 seconds and ruin the evening.

RoboticSealpup · 05/12/2015 14:08

What do people do all night for fuck's sake, especially with people they work with all day?

I don't understand this either. I'd like to be a fly on the wall. Binge drinking was fun when I was 22 but I seriously wonder what an adult gets out of it.

RoboticSealpup · 05/12/2015 14:10

Then again the "fml" (fuck my life) in the beginning if his text would seem to indicate that he is not in fact an adult.

AnyFucker · 05/12/2015 14:12

Indeed

Certainly not "father material"

RonaldMcDonald · 05/12/2015 14:14

Perhaps this is they way his dad acted or mates act and he knows no better

Lay out your stall. Both of you discuss what happened from your own PoV
Make agreements that work for you both for your relationship

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