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AIBU?

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Original poster

Parents telling their kids the truth about Santa at such a young age!

189 replies

LouiseQ · 04/12/2015 07:21

I have two children age nine and five. My nine year old still very much believes in Santa and I don't see what the problem is with this. She is in year 5 so I expect that this year will be her last as we are due to apply for high school next year, but a couple of my friends who have children of a similar age to mine think it's strange that she still believes and have admitted to me that their seven and eight year olds children already know the truth.

Whilst it's of course up to them what they do with their own kids I can't help feel a little sad for them as they are so young, but i also get the impression that they think I'm being a little precious with my dd and a bit stupid for allowing her to believe at this age. Surely though she is still quite young?......and considering she still plays with her dolls (and not i phone 6's like my friends kids) she is still very kid like at heart, if that makes sense. I just don't get why any parent (with kids under high school age) would want to spoil the "magic" and would want their kids to grow up so fast, after all they're only little for a short amount of time.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 04/12/2015 10:05

There's another thread about Christmas time off and I've put that Parental Priorty should only count whilst your child is 3-7.

I've just realised that often, because my family are all in Social Care jobs, we have to explain why we have to work and that has the knock on effect of it being easier if they don't believe in Sanra at 8, because they know, you know what they've got and it's less disappointing.

I don't think people do things to be awkward, you've just got to make things work in your particular circumstances.

Jw35 · 04/12/2015 10:06

I have to say at 9 and 10 most kids who 'believe' in santa are humouring their parents, which is a bit sad real

No, they have suspended disbelief. In other words they are not sure anymore. They don't usually have a eureka moment (I know I didn't) it's a slow realisation. Some may humour their parents, if they do its not sad. Both are humouring each other like a game. It's a lovely game. I know my 12 year old doesn't really believe but she won't say it outright and neither should I. Santa is real in my house at any age!

Those whose kids grow up with no belief in fairies, Easter bunnies, magic or anything else to do with the imagination. I disagree with you, I think it's a shame. I know my childhood wouldn't have been as fun without it. I also wonder if there's deep rooted issues surrounding this? Sometimes kids who have been abused have a problem with pretence. Either way, if you haven't and just think it's better not to pretend to children I think you're wrong. Kids love it!

CoteDAzur · 04/12/2015 10:06

DS (6) still believes but DD (10) figured it out several years ago. She asked me the question point blank: "You and daddy are the ones putting presents for us under the tree, aren't you? Which means Santa doesn't exist, right?". I wasn't about to lie to my daughter to make you happy, OP.

YABU to think children "under high school age" don't figure it out for themselves. I would be worried if my 12-year-old child still thought an ageless fat man riding a flying sledge came silently into our home in the middle of the night.

CoteDAzur · 04/12/2015 10:09

"they have suspended disbelief. In other words they are not sure anymore"

That's not what "suspended [sic] disbelief" means. Suspension of disbelief is a willing effort to suspend critical faculties and believe the unbelievable, for the sake of enjoyment. Like when you enjoy an action movie with highly improbable stunt scenes.

"I also wonder if there's deep rooted issues surrounding this? Sometimes kids who have been abused have a problem with pretence. "

What the hell is this supposed to mean? Shock

AnnPerkins · 04/12/2015 10:20

"I also wonder if there's deep rooted issues surrounding this? Sometimes kids who have been abused have a problem with pretence. "

Woah! Shock

teacherwith2kids · 04/12/2015 10:20

Jw, I have absolutely no problem with 'pretending, or 'make believe', or 'imaginative play' or 'role play', or 'story telling', and my children have always had rich, varied and imaginative inner lives.... possibly more so, and for longer, than those children who had a 'belief followed by removal of that belief' experience.

That is totally different from 'telling children that what they imagine, or what is in stories, is actually real'. That's the part I have an issue with - make believe is absolutely fine, and we have a good healthy dose of that even with teenagers in the house; but creating a construct that make believe is only 'proper' if there is a huge effort put in to convince one or more participants that the 'make believe' is in fact 'truth' seems to me to be odd.

WishIWasWonderwoman · 04/12/2015 10:21

At our school they do a 'Christmas around the world' unit in year 3 and 4 including St Nicolas and the origins of Santa Claus. If any children haven't twigged by then, there's a bit of a rude awakening!

Jux · 04/12/2015 10:26

I don't really know when dd realised it. She pretended for our sakes as she thought we'd be sad if we knew she knew! Same with the tooth fairy.

My own big bro knew long before I and our little bro, but he kept it a secret from us as he didn't want to spoil Xmas for us.

Jw35 · 04/12/2015 10:30

What I mean is I happen to know that for some people who have been abused they have an issue with telling their kids things that aren't true such as Santa and fairies etc.

Anyway as for the big debate it's up to you isn't it, I'm just saying I don't agree and think it's fun for children to believe and that's really believe not just that it's a story!

Jw35 · 04/12/2015 10:31

What I mean is I happen to know that for some people who have been abused they have an issue with telling their kids things that aren't true such as Santa and fairies etc.

Anyway as for the big debate it's up to you isn't it, I'm just saying I don't agree and think it's fun for children to believe and that's really believe not just that it's a story!

Original poster
LouiseQ · 04/12/2015 10:34

So what your saying Soozey, is that my child is dim for still believing in Santa?.......what a horrible thing to say. For your information she is extremely bright, so much so that she's currently in a split class that her school have this year put together which is for year five pupils to join year six pupils as they find their work in year five too easy, so you know what you can do with your theory don't you.

OP posts:
teacherwith2kids · 04/12/2015 10:38

Jw, it depends what you mean by 'belief' - when DS was flying round the garden on a wooden soon, he believed he was a character from Big Cook / Little Cook. When DD and I played princesses, she believed that she was a princess. When we played 'Going on a bear hunt', they believed there was a bear. When DS first played football, it was 'in the role of' a variety of football heroes - and in his head, he believed he was one of them.

I was always a willing participant and collaborator in all of this play - no 'don't be silly, you're not a princess', and lots of 'what can you see from all the way up there on your wooden spoon?'

Equally, there is lots of ceremonial hanging up of empty stockings on Christmas Eve, and following of Norad Santa.

VegetablEsoup · 04/12/2015 10:48

every year the same...

we have christmas magic aplenty but never told dc father christmas is real. we told/tell them the story of the historical person st niklas and that the father christmas people see in shopping centres /grottis is for fotos/fun.

tbh I find the lengths some people go to to pretend a bit odd.

CoteDAzur · 04/12/2015 11:01

"I happen to know that for some people who have been abused they have an issue with telling their kids things that aren't true such as Santa and fairies etc."

A total of how many abused people do you base this conviction on? 2? 3?

And do you not know anyone who was NOT abused and isn't comfortable lying to their kids? If not, let me be your first Hmm I have never been abused or mistreated in any way. I was raised in a model family, loving parents who are still together etc. And I went along with this Santa malarkey because all others kids were into it but I am not at all convinced that it is a good thing for the child-parent relationship for children to know one day that parents have been lying to them persistently over many years.

Your suggestion that parents' reluctance to perpetuate a silly myth and keep lying to their children to help sustain it might have something to do with being abused is shocking and it is very offensive.

fredfredgeorgejnrsnr · 04/12/2015 11:02

Jesus is every bit as real as santa, but not more real - there probably was an individual that the story grew around, although there's quite a bit more on St Nicholas than Jesus being more modern.

But the reality of the origin of the story, and the story we have today are different things.

teacherwith2kids · 04/12/2015 11:06

Cote, I'll add to the count - definitely not abused, definitely not comfortable lying to my children. It is perhaps relevant to the context that my family (for several generations) are a) morally upright / principled to a now-unfashionable degree and b) highly intelligent and intellectually curious.

Potterwolfie · 04/12/2015 11:11

I fessed up to DC when he was just about to start high school. He had no idea. He's smart, bright, intelligent and all the rest, but he's very trusting/naive and although he had heard kids talking about FC not being real, he chose not to believe them. He was pretty upset, but he was off to high school and so we felt it best to break it to him rather than run the risk of him being teased mercilessly.

worldgonecrazy · 04/12/2015 11:13

I'll add to the count too. Definitely not abused - but it's interesting as I also come from a morally upright / principled family of above average intelligence. I actually think my way of presenting the whole Yuletide experience to my daughter makes it much more magical for her, and in a way that will allow that magic to continue throughout her teenage years and into adult life. It also avoids the horrible commercial "grabby" side of Christmas where children are encouraged to become mass consumers and present their parents with a Christmas list. I really can't think of anything more distasteful.

Snowglobe18 · 04/12/2015 11:17

At 9 I'd be suspicious she knew full well but wasn't saying anything. That's what I did.
I'm not even totally convinced my six year olds still buy it.

teacherwith2kids · 04/12/2015 11:18

Worldgone - I agree with magic continuing. Both my DCs are teenagers now, and Christmases are as magical as they have ever been - and when grandparents come and join in too it's clear that at approaching 80 they have as much genuine, personal fun with it (as in 'fun for themselves', not just 'creating fun for children) as anyone. Those of you who have done the whole 'belief' thing but now have only older or adult children - are your Christmases still as magical as they have always been?

BumpTheElephant · 04/12/2015 11:21

I don't actually tell my kids anything about santa. They picked it up from tv/school etc, I can't lie to my kids so when they ask questions I ask them what they think. They are 3 and 5. I don't know if they really believe or if they just play along. It doesn't matter, I knew Santa wasn't real at the age of six but it never stopped the magic or changed anything. Kids have excellent imaginations, they don't need to believe in santa to do all the santa stuff and make it magical. I think lots of people overthink Christmas now.

HesterShaw · 04/12/2015 11:22

Father Christmas isn't Christmas though. I can't ever remember believing but we all just played along, ho ho ho. Christmas is about peace and family and fun...well, it should be. Sadly it often isn't.

But I think often the FC thing is clung to for the parents rather than the kids, who just play along while putting the parents for having to keep up the pretence :)

HesterShaw · 04/12/2015 11:24

Pitying not putting!

BoxofSnails · 04/12/2015 11:28

The magic of Christmas is not causally linked to a belief in Santa, unless you make it so

This.^^
And I'll add a fourth or however many we're on to Cote's list.

I do think intellectual curiosity, as opposed to intellect - OP your DD clearly has the latter - has something to do with it. And that children pretending because of needing to control a parent's reaction is described as co-dependance in any other context

Permanentlyexhausted · 04/12/2015 11:30

SumThucker Fri 04-Dec-15 09:38:35

Are you sure she doesn't know, OP?

My 11 year old started high school in September, and I broached the ''Father Christmas isn't real'' subject with her just before she started in case she was mocked by the other children for still believing in him.

She admitted that she had known since she was ''7 or 8, when they were taught about gravity at school...''.

I feel like a fool for believing she believed for so long

This!

My mum did exactly the same when I was 11. I gave her a withering look and told her I knew. The Christmas that I was 5 I was still awake late that evening. A bearded man came and left a stocking of presents at the end of my bed. But it wasn't Santa. It was the same bearded man that sat at the dinner table each evening. But I obviously wasn't supposed to know so I kept quiet.