To wonder why some parents don't go to parents evening?

[Lampsinthemist]

I don't pretend to be the best parent but surely you'd go, wouldn't you?

I was one of the few there - why would you miss this?

I always go, but a couple of times I have been a bit blindsided with negative feedback from teachers, and was pissed off I hadn't been spoken to before the actual parents evening.
It's never anything really terrible, just poor attention and lack of focus, but I spent the first bit of this term thinking how well ds was doing. Got to parents evening and was told "he is a nice kind boy, but the first half term was basically wasted as he didn't ever listen to any instructions, did his project wrong and never asked for help when he was stuck. "
Ok, for yeas I have heard similar -doesn't focus, doesnt listen to instructions, is distracted etc, but I really thought we had turned a corner! I find it really demoralising. I might not bother next time tbh.
Plus I got a some stern comments about how disorganised ds was, and how he need to be more organised. Well, why didn't you say so!? I will just wave my magic wand.. oh, no..wait...!

OP, I think it's just that you're better than them.

Hth.

I have three children. Went to every single parent's night with the first two. Heard what a lovely daughter I had and how my son wasn't achieving his full potential (before ASD diagnoses) I had my third child late in life. I am very tired. Dd2 is dh's only child, he goes to all the parent's nights now, he loves that stuff. Everyone is happy.

ColdTea firstly teachers can generally tell which parents care, without ever meeting them. Secondly, why does it matter what the teacher thinks of you?

There were years at primary when I first met my children's class teacher at the end-of-year event in June, but I don't think they ever thought it was because I didn't care and if they did, by then it hardly mattered as a new class and new teacher was just round the corner...

Mine are both in high school now and you're only expected to go the meet the teacher if your child is having problems. I went to all their parents evenings while they were in primary school and either my dh, myself or both of us have been to every concert/play/art show.

I agree most of the time it's a bit name to a face, mostly introductions building a relationship with the school, some of the teachers we met were a bit of a waste of time - reading out from a sheet about the topics they'd covered over term - rather than talking about how my dc had got on - I left thinking some teachers needed extra training in this area - do they get any? But for maybe 2 or 3 of the teachers we met they said something worthwhile or we had something we needed to tell them, it's always worth going for the chance to resolve a simple issue.
Also, our dcs always like showing us around their school, they feel proud of their school, they like seeing their friends, we meet their friends - faces to names again and we meet other parents and that is often very useful too.

I don't expect to find out anything very useful or surprising at parents evening.

The schools DC have attended have always kept us fully abreast of what was what.

I've always gone anyway though. To demonstrate both to my DC and their teachers that I am supportive and engaged. And when older DC attend alongside it's nice for them to have you there for support, a sounding board.

I go because I am curious about the people teaching my children. I like to know what they are like. And I like to see how they interact with my children. Sometimes I get a surprise- like the time I discovered that the Miss Dunoon I had been hearing about all term was actually Mr Noon.

And it is true that generally attendance at parents evening is an indicator of parental involvement. And generally having involved parents is an indicator of doing well academically. That doesn't mean that all parents who can't/don't go to parents evenings are not involved- just that they are more likely not to be. It's interesting that DS's school, which is working very hard at pulling itself up by its bootstraps used to have very low attendance at all events- but the numbers attending parents evenings is steadily going up, particularly in the lower years.

There should be no surprises at parents' evenings or reports if the teachers have been giving feedback and the parents have been reading it (this always call into question the parent/child relationship, as much feedback is about work and between teacher and pupil).

The thing to remember is that in the UK , parents' evenings are a legal obligation, which is why schools have to run them. It doesn't mean they believe it's the best way of communicating.

Dh rarely went as he works away and I know that this upset dd as once he was supposed to go and had up work at the last minute and every bloody teacher mentioned that dd had told them they were going to see her dad. We were amazed as she's 16 and ultra cool.

I always went as I think it shoes the child you are interested in their education and their lives rather than learning anything new.

My father worked abroad so never there. Mother a senior teacher who stopped going because she got fed up with being told what a PITA I was.

I went to my DSs' parents' evenings, but it was always a complete waste of time. If you need parents' evening to find out stuff about your DCs, you're not properly engaged. If the teacher needs you to know something, they'll find you.

^ Carabos

The ones that don't come tend to have difficult children and are well aware that there are issues. Having to be repeatedly told how challenging your children are doesn't make for a fun night out. Some parents had a poor experience of school and parent's evenings can bring back old issues.

Another perspective - my parents never attended parents' evenings in secondary school as I never passed on the letters! I was a high-achieving but very anxious child who wanted very much to keep school and home separate. I felt as if my teachers telling my parents anything negative about me would damage my relationships with both parents and teachers.

Every year a couple of teachers would complain that my parents weren't attending and I'd always say to them that if they had any concerns about my schoolwork, please could they tell me and I'd do my best to improve. (At my school, the meetings were for parents and teachers only, the student being discussed couldn't attend.) No doubt some of them took a negative view of my parents because of this, but it was really all me! The idea of people whose opinions I respected sitting and talking about me 'behind my back' was too much for the anxious young person I was.

I've also held meetings as an education professional, so I've seen the other side, albeit in primary school. Some parents really are nervous about the school setting so I do my best to put them at ease.

Actually, Parents' Evenings are a two way process; it is a chance for teachers to meet parents, many of whom they never see, particularly fathers, and observe the dynamics between them, also step-parents. It can explain a lot.
Sitting in a cold classroom for three hours a night, 4-7, 6-9pm, nine times a year, with no visitors, is not how I would chose to spend my evenings. Worth it if parents come, though.
And if you don't get the information you require,ask!

My experience as a teacher was turnout at parents evening of about 50%. There were a variety of reasons why parents didn't turn up:

• problems they knew about but couldn't actually change
• they didn't value education that highly (and some really don't give a shit like it or not but a small minority)
• they just couldn't make it (although then they would just miss them occasionally not never turn up!)

I think the top bullet point is particularly problematic, it can be really upsetting and stressful for parents. I remember asking a year 11 boy in my form if his mum was coming because I'd heard some positive stuff about him recently that she'd like to hear..... after significant problems and guess what he made sure he sent her . The poor woman was nice but not able to change things. It's hard for a lot of parents.

I had never thought just sending one parent is bad. We try to both go but I've been on my own.

At infant school dh used to come for moral support as the meetings were of the rip your child to shreds variety because he was a late developer, they pulled no punches - I had been expecting the platitudes. That was truly horrible - I used to need a stiff drink afterwards.

I've never missed a parents evening, both DDs have now left, however dh never went to a single one! They were always at a time when he was working so couldn't attend so I understand why people can't attend.

However I never felt they were a waste, it was nice to look at their work (in primary) and meet their teachers (in secondary).

I also feel it shows the DC you're interested in what they do all day.

Tbh all those who are saying they get about 5 minutes notice most high schools have aYEAR in advance Calander that gives you the dates of all the school events including parents evening

And those who say well if there are any issues then I should have known before parents evening well it depends who near to parents evening the issue has arisen you may think as a teacher well it's parents evening next week and I can talk to Mrs xxxxxx face to face

Oh well, dh and I both go to all of ours. Actually, I find them really useful. Dc like to show me their work, we find out more about what they are doing (they usually say very little). We talk about next steps in maths and english and sometimes discuss more important things - like ds1 being bored in maths or ds2's anxiety about getting things (anything) wrong. Agreed a practical solution for getting ds2 to his weekly violin lesson on time. Also, I like to meet their teachers and thank them.

We are such uncool parents.

I think either parent is OK me and do take it in turns though you get more meat on the bone when I go

Can I just say there's no way a school today can see a C as "good enough" - the expectation for ALL schools is that ALL pupils make certain amounts of progress and I very much doubt there's a school in the land which shrugs its shoulders and decides to let students muddle through with the bare minimum! It's just so far removed from how schools work now. Teachers are under massive pressure to set high targets for students.

DP and I always go to parents evening - such an easy way to show both teachers and DC that you have your eye on the ball . And even 5 minutes is enough for seasoned teachers and seasoned parents to size one another up and make an early appraisal as to whether they can trust one another to do their respective jobs (something which is massively important for DCs' success).

I also go to see teachers on an ad hoc basis if issues arise. TBH they don't, often, but I do find that stewing in my corner about things is totally unproductive and airing issues is better.

This is assuming that you get the info about the parents' evening. When I was at school I tore the letter up for a laugh and when the teacher asked why my Mum or Dad weren't there told them it was Mum's bingo night and Dad was at the dog racing.

Got into a lot of trouble all round but it was funny to a 14 year old.