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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why some parents don't go to parents evening?

207 replies

Lampsinthemist · 03/12/2015 20:42

I don't pretend to be the best parent but surely you'd go, wouldn't you?

I was one of the few there - why would you miss this?

OP posts:
reni2 · 03/12/2015 22:56

I went to the first parents evening at nursery when dc was 11 months old. An earnest key worker sat there informing us of 5 areas of development. I really felt for the poor nursery nurse, what a monumental waste of her time that was! (Child sat through it chewing a sock and dribbling over a mirror demonstrating "learning about their environment")

They even had learning objectives of some sort Grin.

SnowflakesandChampagne · 03/12/2015 22:57

My friend didn't go to her DD parent evening last week as her mother had just died and she couldn't face it.

My DM rarely went to mine as she was a single parent with 4DC. All 4 of us have still done very well, no causes for concern through our school careers, all educated to degree level and all in professional jobs.

There must be all kinds of reasons and just because someone doesn't go it doesn't mean they don't care.

futureme · 03/12/2015 22:57

My mum didn't come because she was drunk. One year I paraded her around drunk as I wanted her to be there. I think it gave the teachers an insight into my home life.

One year she told everyone shed been but hadn't. I just went on my own after that (secondary!)

LilacSpunkMonkey · 03/12/2015 23:00

Ah, a thread of judgey, smug fuckers who know better than everyone else.

Here's an idea.

Why don't we get on with our own parenting and keep our nosy fucking beaks out of other people's?

I know, I know, it's crazy but it might just work.

Mmmmcake123 · 03/12/2015 23:00

I always go and always question past the inevitable 'we've been working on blah and your dc was involved'.
At high school I think it's useful to meet each teacher because if you recognise someone as less committed as others you can make sure your dc does extra work at home in that subject.
In primary I always questionned beyond as they just seem to say everything fine.

southeastastra · 03/12/2015 23:02

That's very sad future.

i don't mind parents evenings but we have got used to to hustle and bustle of them, i do need some explanation of my sons grades now as the gotoschools system they have explains nothing!

reni2 · 03/12/2015 23:03

Started on the gin early, LilacSpunkMonkey? It's a bit harsh to call 130 posters "a thread of judgey, smug fuckers".

LilacSpunkMonkey · 03/12/2015 23:05

Except I wasn't actually talking to all the posters, was I Reni?

Unless you're joining in the smuggery and looking down your nose at people, I really don't see why you're so bothered.

reni2 · 03/12/2015 23:07

Well "a thread of" sounds a bit like you mean all. Other than OP, almost nobody does look down on people not going.

charlieandlola · 03/12/2015 23:12
  1. No one to have disabled dd. unable to bring her as lights/noise triggers seizures
  2. Can't get appointments anyway - 250 kids in year and 1.5 hours parents evening split into 18x5 mins slots for each teacher .
How are you meant to have a meaningful discussion in 5 mins ? All whilst overheard by waiting parents in huge hall . Data Protection doesn't really feature highly !
  1. All teachers ou ever say is how disruptive my son is , nothing constructive , how I can support him
  2. Only parents of high achieving kids go, for their congratulatory pat . The remaining 200 odd parents don't get a slot but can "email if there are any comments or concerns ".

Obviously means I am a shit parent who doesn't care .

coolaschmoola · 03/12/2015 23:14

I missed dd's parents evening today... I think it's absolutely hilarious that the op, MrsTamponlady and some other posters would judge me and decide that I don't give a shit about education... I missed it because I'm a teacher and I was unable to attend because I was off giving a shit about other people's kids education. At the time of my dd's parents evening I was teaching.

As none of the school mum's know what I do I'm sure some of them judged me too. I care not.

annielouise · 03/12/2015 23:15

I've opted out for years. I don't get anything out of them. One DC spends the year doing very little homework, failing tests etc and I don't need to hear it as I know as they let me know throughout the year. Then miraculously during end of year exams, GCSEs, AS levels he pulls it out the bag and does really well. So I don't need the roller coaster ride. He works when it's crunch time. Hearing the negative for me doesn't make a blind bit of difference. He has it in hand and does well when he needs to. Nothing I say or do changes anything. Both parents leave things to the last minute too so I suppose we've got ourselves to blame.

annielouise · 03/12/2015 23:17

Oh, and I do care. I care very much. I facilitate learning at home. I talk about school work, what they're doing etc, we talk about future careers loads. I just can't make him work but thankfully he wants to do well so works when he really has to. It's stressful though.

Original poster
Lampsinthemist · 03/12/2015 23:17

Reni - I don't look down on. I refute that. I said in my op I wondered why. I have been interested in the responses.

OP posts:
Higge · 03/12/2015 23:19

How would other parents know whether you've turned up or not? And at ours - the letter states if you can't make it on the night an alternative time can be arranged - how would other parents know what you had planned enough to judge?

sharoncarol43 · 03/12/2015 23:26

yes, parents who go to more parents evenings are going to be told they have good children.

that is because behaviour and educational outcomes are directly related to the percentage of parent evenings parents attend.

it is one of the most reliable indicators of eventual exam results, far more reliable than CATS tests, etc.

BondJayneBond · 03/12/2015 23:31

How would other parents know whether you've turned up or not?

At DS1's school, they had sheets pinned up with names against time slots. So anyone who could be bothered would be able to look at the sheet for their DC's year group and mentally tick names off. I'd be surprised if many parents really get worked up about other parents attendance though.

OfficeGirl1969 · 03/12/2015 23:36

I went to a few where possible but hugely resented taking time out of work to queue at an inconvenient time for God knows how long, to spend five minutes with a bored teacher telling me that DS1 was lovely, and very funny but easily distracted (yup, I know) DS2 was incredibly bright but very shy (yup, I know) and DD was delightful and kind (yup, I know)
Many years ago, so hopefully things have improved now!!!

Dipankrispaneven · 03/12/2015 23:43

I never did, but there were frequently occasions when it was a right waste of time. The number of times we got told how quiet DD was was unbelievable; we got to the point when we responded by saying briskly "Yes, we're told that every time we come, she's not going to change, now tell us how she's doing." When we finally got a teacher who told us that although DD was quiet, she preferred it because when she did say something it was worth hearing - we wanted to hug her.

BastardGoDarkly · 03/12/2015 23:46

Yes, I would never know which parents had been and which hadn't. Nor would I care. I go because I want to make sure my children are behaving and trying their best. That's all I care about, so take 5 minutes.

I find it worth it for my peace of mind.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 04/12/2015 00:07

I go every time unless I can palm it off on XH but tbh it's a bit of a waste of time as my DCs are always doing really well, above average in everything and there are only ever minor points like DD's hand-writing to work on (which we can all see is an issue!)

I remember my head teacher asking why my mum and dad had gone to my parents' evening, as it wasn't parents like them he wanted to see, it was the parents of the trouble makers he wanted to see, the ones that didn't go!

ColdTeaAgain · 04/12/2015 00:09

Of course it's difficult for parents to go to every single parents evening for many reasons. I highly doubt I will be able to go to all when DD starts school due to work.

But to never go or attend very few is unlikely to be sending out good messages to the DC. Even if I was 100% happy about everything, I still feel it's important to go whenever possible to show them that it matters to you. Surely even if a parent did all the right things at home but then made no effort to go to parents evening it would send out quite mixed messages? Even when it feels like a waste of time, I think it still has merit, just reinforcing the idea to both children and parents that their education matters to all of you.

Jux · 04/12/2015 00:15

DD's school parents' evening is always well attended. Sometimes in the past it's been like a rave there! It seems to be a little less crowded now she's in 6th form.

Iggi999 · 04/12/2015 00:18

I think the children sometimes look sad when they tell you their parents can't come. And sometimes ones make appointments and you know there is no chance of the parent showing up.
While there are many good reasons not to attend, I think there are also bad ones and some of the ones on this thread fit into that category.
I feel more able to support students if I've met with their parents, it's hard to explain but there's a greater connection.

DawnOfTheDoggers · 04/12/2015 00:22

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