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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why some parents don't go to parents evening?

207 replies

Lampsinthemist · 03/12/2015 20:42

I don't pretend to be the best parent but surely you'd go, wouldn't you?

I was one of the few there - why would you miss this?

OP posts:
Passmethecrisps · 03/12/2015 21:00

And having read some of the cross posts we have a policy of parents evenings and report cards never delivering bad surprises. So if things are going wrong a parent should already know beforehand. This does mean that parents evenings are generally an opportunity to put a face to a name and maybe bear a bit of specific detail about the curriculum. I am secondary though and I believe that attendance drops off a lot from primary

Mysteryfla · 03/12/2015 21:00

As a long time teacher, the only parents that turn up are the ones we don't need to see. The ones that don't turn up are the ones that really should be there to hear a few words. They're the ones that show no interest in their children and then blame the teacher when little Joey doesn't get the marks they think he should.

Tamponlady · 03/12/2015 21:01

I have to say, that after 16 years of parents evenings, my attendance at every single one probably has made fuck all difference to any outcomes

It's sad that you feel that way but this is not true again their is a strong link between children achieving , behaviour and parental invloment

MissFitt68 · 03/12/2015 21:01

God op you sound so judgey

And smug

Tamponlady · 03/12/2015 21:03

poster Mysteryfla Thu 03-Dec-15 21:00:59

Amen I actually got told this by my sons teachers

She said Mrs tampon lady I will tell you the same thing I tell you every year the parents I really need to see its the boy sitting out their with is 17 year old sister sigh

WishItWasSunday · 03/12/2015 21:03

My parents never went to a single one of mine. Both were teachers themselves. Loved me etc, just didn't see the point. I was doing fine. If I was in trouble they'd have known already.

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 03/12/2015 21:03
  • So how is X doing?
  • Fine, does his work well, his handwriting can be a bit hit and miss but mostly its ok
  • any behaviour issues?
  • No, he can occasionally be a bit distracted but its nothing major
  • Is there anything we can do?
  • No not really, he is doing fine....would you like to look through his books?

Not even 5 minutes worth, and thats usually after being kept waiting for half an hour over the appointed time because the mother in front invariably wont shut the fuck up.

AnyFucker · 03/12/2015 21:04

I don't regret my attendance, don't get me wrong

I just don't think that genuinely good parents who are involved in their kid's education should feel guilty if they do not attend

it's like when my dd did her GCSE's. She was a very reluctant studier. We pushed, we cajoled, we bribed, we tested, we argued, we almost ruined our relationship.And guess what. She got almost the exact same grades she was predicted to get at the beginning of year 10.

SarahSavesTheDay · 03/12/2015 21:05

I think there is a lot of nonsense-peddling that goes on in these meetings. That's not to say that they're not worthwhile, you can certainly rest assured they're not in 'failure to progress' mode if told otherwise. That said, parents would certainly appreciate a bit of spontaneous, even uncomfortable discussion about their kid and it's never forthcoming.

I would never miss one, though.

Plomino · 03/12/2015 21:06

Because when there are 5 of them to go to , twice a year all in different years , I can guarantee that at least 80 percent of them are on when I'm working .

And because having deal with a complete bunfight because not a single parent actually goes to their teacher at their allotted 5 minutes , which ends with about 300 - 400 parents basically lurching from one end of the school to the other , whilst dragging a sulking 14 year old who has had their attention taken away from social media for a nanosecond with them , is my personal idea of hell . And it's a shit system even the teachers hate . They look like rabbits caught in the headlights of a baying mob, poor buggers . And I'm not convinced it's just coffee they're slugging either . They ring if there's a problem . Let them be .

Tamponlady · 03/12/2015 21:06

poster Passmethecrisps Thu 03-Dec-15 21:00:46

Sorry but I don't agree I can't speak for all schools or even other year groups but in my sons year I wasn't surprised the ones who are getting into fights,bunking and threatening the teachers and the ones with parents no were to be seen

Passmethecrisps · 03/12/2015 21:07

Attendance at partners evenings should be agame changers. If a parent hears something at a parents evening which changes things dramatically then there is an issue somewhere else.

I enjoy them as a teacher. I like telling parents how smashing their children are. I can tell by some of their faces though that they see that as a ways of time. Most enjoy it as well. Some mutual preening does everyone good

LaLyra · 03/12/2015 21:08

I don’t usually go to my DDs parent’s nights. I have heavy involvement already because DD2 has health and learning issues. Imo there’s no point in going to a five minute slot to see someone who I’ll have seen last week or be seeing next week, in private, without having to drag the baby along. It’s pointless for me and the teacher. I will go this year as it’s her first year in high school so I’d like to speak to the teachers who don’t seem involved or mentioned in meetings, and also because DD1 has some different teachers, whereas before they were always in the same class.

Not going to parents night isn’t always indicative of a lack of interest imo. From working in schools I think you can always tell who will be at parents night, who won’t be at parents night and which out of those who won’t are the ones who aren’t there because of a lack of interest rather than it being not needed, lack of childcare, working etc.

AnyoneButSanta · 03/12/2015 21:08

By the end of primary school I didn't go for either DC.

I didn't go for DD because it was made politely clear that they only had a limited number of slots and they'd prefer to keep them for the parents of the children with academic/behavioural issues, rather than DD who was sailing through everything.

And I didn't go for DS because his TA was giving me a five minute debrief at the end of every day and calling over the teacher if there was something that needed her input, so again the limited numbe of slots needed to be saved for the parents who didn't see the teaching staff on a day to day basis day (perhaps because their DC walked home alone, or went to after school club).

BondJayneBond · 03/12/2015 21:08

childcare issues wouldn't matter: plenty of people bring younger children

I wouldn't have gone to DS1's parents evening if I hadn't been able to get someone to watch the DC.

I don't think you can have a frank discussion about a child if he's right there listening in. And if DS2 (2 years) was there, it wouldn't be easy to have a sensible discussion with a teacher if you're there with a 2 year old who's tired or fractious or who just wants to explore everything around him.

Even if the DC were being as good as gold, they'd be a distraction because I'd have to be keeping an eye on them.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 03/12/2015 21:08

I don't go to two of my dcs parents nights because I am in the school every single day due to my childrens needs, it would be pointless for me to go of an evening when there will be literally nothing to say as it has all been said already.

I might judge you for not talking to your childs teacher every day as I do but I don't because I'm not a twat so feel free to judge me for not going to parents evening.

AnyFucker · 03/12/2015 21:09

oh yes, gladys

I have had 16 years of the parents in front who won't STFU and need to know the ins and outs of a cat's arse

as well as the teachers who insist on going through the curriculum in fine detail...you don't need to, I'm not interested but above all I trust you to get on with your job, ffs (I am massively supportive of teachers knowing how to do it)

I always end up on the Wine after such torturous evenings

we have the college "interviews" going on right now...these are also a waste of bloody precious time

outcome...yes, you have a place based on the grades you get 8 months from now, byeeee fuuuuuck I just gave up my whole evening for this

MammaTJ · 03/12/2015 21:09

Meetings, parents evenings, performances, it is always the same faces that do show up and always the same ones that don't bother. I know this. I do know their circumstances, I am not saying they might not be able to because I know damn well some of them could be there, but just can't stir themselves.

The middle school my DD goes to has a crafty 'register' for a lot of things. We have to sign in for parents evening. Also, for meetings, there is usually a letter for us to take home. It is in an envelope with our child's name on it. So they know who hasn't bothered.

DraenorQueen · 03/12/2015 21:10

I'm a phase leader in an inner city school in one of the most deprived areas in the UK. Out of 60 children in years 5 and 6, we recently had seven parents turn up. Seven. We provided interpreters in 4 languages, absolute flexibility with times, etc. but you can't force people. Could I have rung home and insisted they attend? Perhaps... However the majority of times I try and call a parent, the number is inactive or incorrect. Are they all terrible parents? No. Some, but by no means all.

Mistigri · 03/12/2015 21:11

What is the point of them? I still haven't worked it out. For parents of able children it seems mainly to be boasty facebook post material ;) I've long since tired of being told exactly the same thing every time.

I show my face just often enough to make it look like I am a moderately interested parent (I reckon showing up at one in two parents evenings is fine, and even one in three isn't going to make you one of "those parents").

Darvany · 03/12/2015 21:11

When I was teaching I saw a parent in the first stages of labour waiting in the queue. The queue! No fucker had even got her to the front. She was doing breathing exercises and everything.

I told her to go and that I'd get my colleague to call her but she insisted so I got her in next. Now that i'm older I understand it a bit more. You'd want to get it done before the new baby arrived, a bit like nesting.

Donge13 · 03/12/2015 21:11

My mum never came to parents evening because she was lazy!! I went to both dd's parent evening and even though it was never anything worth going for, I felt it shows the school that you are interested iyswim

Passmethecrisps · 03/12/2015 21:11

I think we are agreeing tampon. Kids getting into fights etc should have plenty of home school communication already. I do agree that those kids who are terribly troubled seem to have an absence of parent at head evenings. But then I am not sure I blame them. If I am calling jimmy's mum and dad multiple times a term and meeting them for exclusions and action plans what is to be gained by those same parents going to 10 different teachers to be told over and over that Jimmy acts out etc. They should know that.

Darvany · 03/12/2015 21:12

I also used capitals correctly when I was teaching, honest Blush

Tamponlady · 03/12/2015 21:12

AnyFucker

Issue is a good parent would feel guilty only the dire parents who don't give a shit

My son is in year 11 his tutor has told me she has parents of children in her class she has never meet NEVER not when they need to be picked up or dropped of for trips not when they get in bother they don't respond or send a olde sibling to collect the child or even when they are doing a school show nothing zero engagement

The biggest threat to a child's education is not poverty it's the child's parents being passive and zero engagement