To have just stormed out of a meeting with DSs Headmaster?

[WhatTheHellDoIDoNoww]

Feel quite mortified now but I was so angry.

Very uncomfortable meeting with Head of DSs secondary school that I requested as DS (Yr 9) is exhibiting behavioural problems which lead to him being put in isolation continually.

Head tried to make out that he had requested a meeting with me anyway as they wanted to raise concerns they had about him and that his secretary had called me about this which I have no knowledge of.

DS has SEN as low IQ (70) and paediatrician has diagnosed memory issues/possible ADD/PDA. School are not accepting this and taking the behavioural stuff as due to him being just being badly behaved. Behaviour is talking in class/lack of focus/disorganised. They also accuse him of creating social disruption, e.g today apparently he told a black lad that another boy had called him a 'black Ebola' when the boy didn't, DS made it up. School have said that this will be logged as a racist incident. DS said that a lad had pushed in when they were lining up PE, DS told him to get to the back so the boy spat in his face, DS said 'now i've got your disease' so the boy said 'yeah, you got Ebola' then DS said to another boy 'X said you have Ebola'. DS maintains he did not say 'black Ebola'. Silly incident and there are numerous comparable ones that DS gets involved with.

I had to take DS (5) with me as meeting was after school and I had no one to look after him. Secretary got DS to sit outside with some pens (nice of her) but he occasionally walked into the room. Head made a face and said he did not fell it was appropriate for me to have brought him to the meeting (DS would not have understood what was being said). At that point I walked out saying that I was wasting my time.

Prior to this he has asked me about what punishments we use at home - DS is a nightmare at home and I told him so but I felt he was questioning my parenting from his tone as he seemed to think that we thought it was 'OK' for him to misbehave at school.

He asked if DS had been taken to the GP ignoring the fact that he was referred to the Child Development Centre by the GP 4 years ago and school have copies of all the reports from then.

He questioned why DS does not have a statement if he has learning difficulties. DS does not as when I applied for one last year, it was refused due to the school not reviewing his IEP or getting an Educational Psychologist in to see him. I asked the school a month ago to reapply themselves and they said no as they had drawn up a new plan for him and wanted to wait for a few months.

I am beyond furious. Head is insisting that DS having a low IQ is not an excuse for him not 'conforming' to the behaviour standards of the school. This is despite the paediatrician clearly stating that he has social and emotional issues due to this. They are twisting all this around onto me as a parent. I have supported them with the constant detentions and him being on report but I will not support them continuously isolating him.

WIBU?

Reading behind the lines I suspect the HT thought the meeting was to discuss the reported racist comment whilst the OP went to discuss her sons SEN. The HT should have known of the SEN before the meeting! You need to ask how they are going to meet his needs - and help him behave as well as he is able given his needs.
My son has SEN (attends an MLD but technically has SLD with ASD) and he has repeated phrases he has heard other children say without understanding what they meant or how hurtful they can be. My son was 7 before he got a statement - despite his SLD (yes the LEA tried to say he did not have any LD!!) so I know how persistent you have to be to get the support a child needs - especially in some LEAs! I have been in almost exactly the same situation knowing unsupported MS was harming my child but taking years to get him support! The school and the LEA are failing your child if (as it sounds like they are) failing to meet his needs.
Good you have started the process to apply for an EHCP (I think this gives you the right to appeal if they turn you down - but only if you apply). Now collect the evidence you need to persuade the LEA. Good luck

• it is executive functioning and prioritising information that they struggle with.

OP It is so understandable that you walked out. It is incredibly frustrating to hear what you have been through. I know for DS who is developmentally delayed and will turn 3 in Feb next year, his frequent bad spells of behaviour is directly linked to his disability.

FWIW we are in the US and found that in our old town the SN provision required that you initiate legal action to get anything. We moved and it is still tough in the town that is much better. It doesn't sound like this school is the right place for your DS. Is there another school locally that does a much better job of managing SN's? An IQ of 70 is extremely low and I would look into specialist schools.

Having read the thread, as awful as it sounds, it might be worth having your OH attend the next meeting with you. I have found that as soon as DH walks into these meetings the tone changes and things start to happen. It is sexist but I am beyond caring. Quite frankly as long as my child is provided for, I consider the requirement of DH being there rather minor on the scale of the undignified things I would do to ensure DS is helped.

You can apply directly to have ed psych in and bypass the school.

Def go for reassessment. Medication in a dual approach for add should be seriously considered - it can really help impulsive behaviour. I was very sceptical but have been shocked at difference it has made to my dc

That's appalling MrsDV, in my area there is still a fair amount of workers who will come into meetings with parents. So it seems like this must vary from county to county which isn't good.

I'm a senco and can advise you. Feel free to pm me. Haven't had time to rtft. If it hasn't already been mentioned though, I'd point out that it's odd and concerning if the school are still using IEPs. They were phased out under the new Code of Practice from September '14. Best practice now is to use provision maps with a plan, do, assess, review cycle. Like I said, pm me if you like.

Which LA are you in OP?

OP you are me two years ago really. DS2 is now 15 and for 8 years I have been fighting to get help.
Primary school was not too bad but secondary school were awful. No assessments just treated him like he was just badly behaved.
Eventually last year he was excluded. Now attends a PRU who referee hin straight away.
This week we have had a dx of adhd and autism. I sat there and cried, why was no one listening before. How different could his life have been if this had been picked up earlier.
I feel I let him down not fighting harder, but I was on my own, no support from school at all.
My advice would be fight as hard as you can.
Research the local PRU. My son's is brilliant, he has made more progress there i than the last 4 years in mainstream

Good luck

Hm sorry but I think you have been unreasonable. The ht does not sound ideal - complaining about the younger child being there is really off - and it sounds like the school is not doing enough. But you had the ht's ear to put your case - why not do that like an adult? It's not unreasonable for the school to try to understand what the home environment is like, IMO. And if a black child thinks he's heard his classmate say he has 'black ebola' (even if he may be mistaken) you can hardly blame the school for taking it seriously. It would be logged as a racist incident anyway if he'd just accused a black person of having ebola, even if there was no racist intent. I think the school needs to do a lot more and that the advice from other posters is good. But I do think you have to work with the school and understand their concerns as well. I think I'd apologise to the head and just put requests in a letter.

WhatTheHellDoIDoNoww it all sounds awful and i am so sorry for you. I am sorry that your son was spat at at school and the school seemed unconcerned about this.

I hope this thread has helped with some excellent advice and you will ignore all the idiots who have no idea how difficult children with extra needs can be and how very unhelpful some schools can be.

Do everything in writing, keep records, ask what will be done and by whom and by when. It is a lot, I know. And it doesn't seem to get you far. But it does help to control the sense of 'WTF' that sometimes descends. My dd is dyslexic and not a tiny bit as difficult (by the sounds of it) but I know I have sat in meetings and just cried or wanted to cry. With my son, who is not dyslexia, school meetings are a total pleasure. It is like chalk and cheese.

Can you cultivate some new friends for your 5 year old ds, with mums or dads who you would trust to leave 5 year old with, on a play date, and for whom you may be willing to do the same for the other parent (look after their child so they can attend whatever).

I've found some excellent friends who have been a great help in this way, and often being able to help them back has been good as they are often eager to help me! I know it sounds a bit like using people but actually good friendships have blossomed from having friends whose kids also have some extra needs and we have found we have stuff in common.

If there is any kind of a support group locally, do get in touch, it may provide the support you need, or at least some of it.

Funding for SEN has changed significantly. You will struggle to get anything additional in place for him which requires additional resources/funding. I can't see why your DS would get a statement based on what you have said. It is almost impossible to get a statement and only students with significant SEN are now considered. From your post your DS has not been diagnosed with anything specific aside from memory issues

Sorry, but this is nonsense. As stated, the very fact that OP's child has an IQ of 70 demonstrates that he has needs which are highly unlikely to be met within the resources normally available in mainstream schools, and in fact in this case the fact that he is regularly getting into trouble clearly demonstrates that the school is not meeting his needs.

Parent partnership has been replaced by SENDIASS, but they are very variable and some of them are seriously ignorant of the law. I would strongly advise that you contact SOS SEN and, if possible, go to one of their workshops on EHC Plans so that you are fully equipped to understand what you can expect out of the process. You may well have to appeal and, again, they have workshops on how to deal with that.

That apart, for immediate purposes I think you have to point out to the school that your child is disabled and that punishing him for his disability is disability discrimination and unlawful. It's all very well saying that he has to conform to the behaviour expected of other children, but they wouldn't demand that a child in a wheelchair stand because other children are expected to do so. The point is that they need to ensure that they put in the right support so that he is able to conform to those standards. If they can't, he needs to be moved to a school that can. Tell them that if they continue to act in this way you will be bringing a disability discrimination appeal to the Special Educational Needs and Disability Tribunal.

I recon they are hoping to get him moved into the PRU in order to save disruption and also save cash on an ed psych. Referring yourself is a good idea.

His behaviour must be disruptive to others learning. He needs support and boundaries by the sound of it.

Kids constantly lie and fabricate and mis understand and misread situations. Although neither you nor a teacher heard it, the school will have interviewed children who were there if they deem it a racist incident, and then make a judgement.

Ed Psychs in our area cost £800 for a single assessment, and with massively slashed budgets, they are probably loathe to do this again when they might be trying to prioritise another vulnerable or sn child, or indeed budget for something else. Not excusing it but trying to show a reason why they might not be jumping to put that in place.

Walking out wasn't amazing but better than losing your blob at him. I think you should respond to his email, thanking him for getting in touch and saying that you will be in touch again on Monday and that you are seeking advice. That will allow you a few days to get your ducks in a row and go with a plan.

Your boy is going to struggle immensely in school. I do understand why you turned down the medication advised, but I wonder if this was a recommendation and you have declined it, if this could be difficult. Is it worth reviewing that decision and seeing what advances have been made, or is it something you don't want to consider at all?
I've found that medicated kids have generally been able to cope a lot better in school, but there is a price to pay - they tend to lose weight and also some feel upset (as do their parents) that some of their personality also gets lost. If there were more nurturing special schools which were equipped to help kids like your son, things would be a lot better. It sounds like you're having a rough time of it.

RubbleBubble00 hi, do you know how a parent could go about applying for edu psych directly? That sounds promising

Many children in our LA are labelled as BESD rather than MLD or SLD, or even to a lesser degree ASD, ADD, PDA or SL needs. This is a fact (to explain why would out me but it is a fact) so I'm not surprised to see the OP's son's behaviour being discussed rather than the root cause. And that Ed Psychs are too expensive? Yes that's something I've heard since we moved to an Academy system.

There's plenty of good advice re action to take OP but you have my sympathy.

So, I have contacted a private Educational Psychologist who has said from the brief info I gave him that the school are failing DS. He will do an assessment for £700, which we can really ill afford but have no choice really.

I am quite disgusted that school have refused to get one in themselves as it is too expensive for them!

I am going to follow the school's complaint procedures and make a formal complaint about discriminatory treatment of DS, as they are insisting that his behaviour is not relevant to his LD's.

Thanks for all the replies and advice. It has really helped posting this.

Reading behind the lines I suspect the HT thought the meeting was to discuss the reported racist comment whilst the OP went to discuss her sons SEN. The HT should have known of the SEN before the meeting! You need to ask how they are going to meet his needs - and help him behave as well as he is able given his needs.

This times a million.

So now you need everything in writing. Yes, agree to another meeting but buy yourself some time first. Then send them an agenda so they know what you want to discuss. Try and take someone with you if at all possible - to take notes, and it tends to make full of themselves HT's moderate their behaviour somewhat.

After the meeting follow up with a written reply about what was discussed and agreed.

Keep pushing them down the line of 'how can you support DS so this behaviour improves'. Talk about how he's accessing the ciriculum.

And at the end of the meeting, if it's going well, ask them off the record what they'd do in your situation. Sometimes there is a way through the system that they're not 'allowed' to tell you - but sometimes they will help you out.

Lonny the 'racist' incident took place yesterday during the school day before the meeting. The meeting was arranged last week.

I would also put in writing what you want school to do to support him, to the HT and SENCO, as well as in the meeting. Update of his IEP, documenting all evidence of his behaviour and reports on his academic ability, so that you can use that for his EHCP. How they intended to support him academically and behaviourally, so this never happens again. contact IPSEA and SENDIAS too.

Don't rush into spending ££s on a private diagnosis. I'm sure I have read in other threads that some schools/ LEAs won't acknowledge a report unless written by clinicians appointed by them.

A tribunal wouldn't think much of that Creme.

Besides, it isn't a dx that OP is seeking, 'just' a professional view on the lad's educational needs.

Private evaluations are taken into account. My parents did this in the late 80s as they knew something was wrong with my reading. Turned out I was dyslexic.

If you can I would do the private evaluation. It builds your case that there is a SN and that they school/LEA need to take action.