To have just stormed out of a meeting with DSs Headmaster?

[WhatTheHellDoIDoNoww]

Feel quite mortified now but I was so angry.

Very uncomfortable meeting with Head of DSs secondary school that I requested as DS (Yr 9) is exhibiting behavioural problems which lead to him being put in isolation continually.

Head tried to make out that he had requested a meeting with me anyway as they wanted to raise concerns they had about him and that his secretary had called me about this which I have no knowledge of.

DS has SEN as low IQ (70) and paediatrician has diagnosed memory issues/possible ADD/PDA. School are not accepting this and taking the behavioural stuff as due to him being just being badly behaved. Behaviour is talking in class/lack of focus/disorganised. They also accuse him of creating social disruption, e.g today apparently he told a black lad that another boy had called him a 'black Ebola' when the boy didn't, DS made it up. School have said that this will be logged as a racist incident. DS said that a lad had pushed in when they were lining up PE, DS told him to get to the back so the boy spat in his face, DS said 'now i've got your disease' so the boy said 'yeah, you got Ebola' then DS said to another boy 'X said you have Ebola'. DS maintains he did not say 'black Ebola'. Silly incident and there are numerous comparable ones that DS gets involved with.

I had to take DS (5) with me as meeting was after school and I had no one to look after him. Secretary got DS to sit outside with some pens (nice of her) but he occasionally walked into the room. Head made a face and said he did not fell it was appropriate for me to have brought him to the meeting (DS would not have understood what was being said). At that point I walked out saying that I was wasting my time.

Prior to this he has asked me about what punishments we use at home - DS is a nightmare at home and I told him so but I felt he was questioning my parenting from his tone as he seemed to think that we thought it was 'OK' for him to misbehave at school.

He asked if DS had been taken to the GP ignoring the fact that he was referred to the Child Development Centre by the GP 4 years ago and school have copies of all the reports from then.

He questioned why DS does not have a statement if he has learning difficulties. DS does not as when I applied for one last year, it was refused due to the school not reviewing his IEP or getting an Educational Psychologist in to see him. I asked the school a month ago to reapply themselves and they said no as they had drawn up a new plan for him and wanted to wait for a few months.

I am beyond furious. Head is insisting that DS having a low IQ is not an excuse for him not 'conforming' to the behaviour standards of the school. This is despite the paediatrician clearly stating that he has social and emotional issues due to this. They are twisting all this around onto me as a parent. I have supported them with the constant detentions and him being on report but I will not support them continuously isolating him.

WIBU?

and and in no particular order Whatthe.

I echo what others say about going back to the school via email or letter stating your concerns and requesting information on what they plan to do to meet ds needs. Also highlight what you believe would be beneficial.

Can you try your local councillor? Often they can be really helpful in acting as an advocate/exerting pressure. My df has supported several families to achieve a voice and ultimately gain appropriate support in school.

Equally does your council provide a parent advisory service - they may be able offer further support.

I would also consider revisiting your gp and getting documented the stress your son is under. It really sounds like his current school environment is not supporting him to meet his needs.

I really feel for you and Yanbu, as others have said sometimes you can feel you literally have no choice.

Oh Juno don't be silly. Of course those things are possible and OP really doesn't need the head-tilty jibes today.

Juno kids pick up on other things, if this happened very close in time, then is recall would be better, than if it happened a day or two ago. His needs have been diagnosed by a Paeditrician.

Yes I would, I would put everything in writing, request to the HT that the schools SENCO be in attendence. In writing and in the meeting, request that his EP is updated, evidence of his behaviour is logged. Ask at the meeting that they start the ball rolling with an EHCP, and to get the Ed psych in. Give them a time frame of say a month to do this.

Juno: "It doesn't add up to me that your boy with a low IQ, can manage to recall (despite memory issues) a phrase such as 'black ebola', and be manipulative enough to use it against a black child"

Well, for a start, he won't have heard the phrase "black ebola" because it makes no sense and it's not a phrase anyone would ever use. The OP's son denies having used the phrase. So I think that's something of a red herring.

I think a lot of these posts are unnecessarily unsupportive. The OP sounds like she has her work cut out with a son who has learning difficulties and behavioural problems and is desperately in need of support. And he's at a school that isn't supportive. In her position, I'd be at the end of my tether.

I would definitely do another meeting, but include the points I have stated.

Yes Aeroflot this happened immediately in the same PE queue. DS copies and repeats what he is told literally. Same with name calling. Will treat the 'what is the problem with black people' with the contempt it deserves. I should imagine that he would have said it to a white lad if he had been there instead of the black lad.

Was the SENCO present?

try contacting some charities for independent advice

www.cafamily.org.uk/advice-and-support/sen-national-advice-service/

Make a list of all questions that you want to ask, take a pen and paper and write down everything. Have an organised filed with all medical and school reports you have on your ds. Make sure you ask about why school hasn't done things.

make sure the school have copies of diagnosis from doctors.

Doesn't hurt to have booklets about disability rights ect, that just happen to be in with your file.

I would have another person there as independent witness if you can. Definitely try and not have your other children present. Not sure about secondary schools if they have senco but could you ask for them to be present as well.

Think of it like a business meeting.

Sorry. No SENCO at meeting. Only the inclusion manager who drew up the 'One Plan' with me two weeks ago. There is a named SENCO but she seems to be an 'acting' one and not doing much. The SENCO who was there when DS started went on long term sick leave a while back. I made an appointment with him before DS started to make him aware of DS's issues in Primary (School Action+ all the way through) and took in reports from the Child Development Centre and SLT.

Paediatrician actually sent school a behaviour assessment form over a month ago as I raised the schools concerns (phone calls from Head of Year) with her, as I asked for him to be reassessed. I hand delivered it addressed to SENCO. Have chased it up to be told, 'it'll be done today' etc. As of yesterday Paediatrician has not had it back. School today insisted it had been sent back a 'while ago' but they will send a copy out again .

IQ of 70 and the school has not put him on a SEN plan??

That's ridiculous.

In the mean time, get things in writing, ask for evidence of son's behavior outside of "He said, she said", as that can be attributed to bullying and kids making shit up.

Get the papers from the doctors, make copies and hand them over, then schedule a psychologist to see him so they can get the ball rolling and make them write down why they refuse to apply or give him the tests needed to get a plan. Do not leave until they have written down an appointment and signed it or written their excuse and signed it. They will give you the evaluation if it means their ass isn't on the line. and yes, leave 5yo with other DS

Good luck.

juno there is no problem with black people in all likelihood. Kids with learning difficulties can and do get things wrong. As an example my DS knows the term nigger is offensive and racist but when angry will use it....towards white children with no understanding of why it's an offensive term or why its not applicable to white people as an insult. And yes I have explained again and again to him that it's a bloody awful word and I don't want to hear him saying it. Thankfully it appears to have died the death over the last year and he uses "retard" instead to insult others.

Likewise when faced with several black children and asked to pick a named child out he would say "they all look alike" but would equally say the same thing if faced with a group,of blonde haired white kids. He has facial blindness and struggles to pick out characteristics in faces unless he knows someone really well.

My son is autistic, has ADD and dyspraxia plus learning difficulties like the OP's son.

I sympathise with you, having had a son with SEN, at a badly led school that refused to investigate the SEN and yet kept finding fault with my son for being outside the normal behaviour range. It's tedious and it does bring out the worst in a worried mum when trying to get straight answers from slippery HTs.

But... the most important thing is to get your son the support he needs. DS (now at a different school that bent over backwards to help him) is transformed. Happy, settled and thriving academically. For this, you need to be strategic and play their game to an extent, while backing them into a corner to ensure you get him statemented. I don't know of a single statemented child whose parent didn't have a long standing battle to get that statement.

The other thing I learned, with some shame, was that some of the allegations about my DSs behaviour were true and he had told me lies. They do. He'll tell you what you want to hear. Don't waste any time in a meeting arguing the toss over what happened at a given incident that neither you nor the staff member witnessed. Be calm and state that neither ryou nor they were present, so it's a waste of time discussing who is telling the truth. the issue is the fallout from the incident and how to make the most of available support to ensure it doesn't happen again.
Ime school staff are very uncomfortable with over-emotional parents (been there.) Keep your cool. Stick to facts and aims for the future and the present. Put a line under the past, and fight calmly until he gets the support he needs.

I'd suggest you reply to the email apologising for storming out and agree to the meeting on the condition that you get the opportunity at the start of the meeting to go through what has been going on with your DS in detail.

Then get photocopies of EVERYTHING, write on each one a summary of what it is, eg This letter states that a statement is refused because the school have not reviewed DS's IEP or got an Educational Psychologist in and highlight the summary. Then go through briefly with the Head everything in chronological order so that he understands where you are at.

And ask for the SENCO to be there. TBH although the head would know which children have statements, he wouldn't necessarily know how far along the statement/EHCP process a particular student is. Or if that process had been started at all. He was probably just asking because he didn't know!

Have written questions to ask. And write things down that they say so they are clear.

Good luck.

Oh they have said that they will not be getting an Educational Psychologist in to see him (one of the reasons the EHCP I applied for last year was refused) as they are 'allowed' to just discuss him with the Ed Psych along with other children as it is too expensive to get them in to see individual children.

Skim read the response so apologies if someone has already said this:
Agree with all posting about getting the senco involved, getting school to apply for echp etc.also wanted to raise if the paediatrian said he had potential Add/Pad 4 years ago was that whilst we was at primary school? Where does the 70iq figure come from? Can you go back to that specialist or even the gp to get an updates diagnosis to help your cause?

I feel for you- that would make me furious as well....

definitely recommend IPSEA , yes to everything in writing as Aeroflot has said -if you can I would bring someone else a long to take notes/advocate for you..
or if they are going to take the notes you get a copy to ok...

the EHCP process is generally 20weeks long from when the LEA decide to start the Statutory Assessment- so they need to demonstrate what they are going to do to help him until that is sorted - what support, what plan - the school sounds shocking...
Each school has a nominal (£6k in our borough) amount they have to demonstrate to the LEA they have used in supporting a child with SEN which has not addressed all his needs and therefore they need more money/different placement before the LEA

They are not supporting him at all.

MrsDV is right that Parent Partnership no longer exist, however they have been replaced by another service. If you google parent partnership that will take you to the current service which has replaced it..

Not sure what county you are in but of you google the "Local Offer SEN" for your county that should give you different organisations who can support you.

OP are you entitled to pupil premium? They could use this money for the ed psych.

The IQ of 70 came out of the ASD assessment which was undertaken by a Paediatrician at the Child Development Centre. This included extensive cognitive tests with a SALT and Psychologist. They used the Weschler Intelligence Scale for Children. He did not fit the criteria for ASD but she did query ADD and suggest medication which we declined. Obviously my tether has bolted now so wanted to look into it again which is why I asked for a reassessment.

Sounds like your applying for the ehcp yourself now? I also recommend ipsea - if you look every day on their site you can book a ring back service but check every day as they are only released once a week.

Anyone who says they are amazed that a child can make it into secondary without a ehcp is quite frankly deluded about how much funding there is for Sen. If I child can quietly fail under the radar the they will.
Specialist schools are crammed full. I viewed a severe learning difficulties school yesterday. 50% of the classes was over numbers, that pushes out into the moderate special schools and then into mainstream.
Ideal world isn't the real world

YANBU!

To the person who made the comment about remembering the conversation with the other child...a lot of people with ADD and other LD's would be able to recall most things like that, it is executive functioning and prioritising information. I think most people would remember a situation where they were spat at.

I would ask the ed psych visit your ds when he/she is next at the school. Sounds like school just don't want to help. You can contact SENDIAS and have a rep from them accompany you to the meeting.