To have just stormed out of a meeting with DSs Headmaster?

[WhatTheHellDoIDoNoww]

Feel quite mortified now but I was so angry.

Very uncomfortable meeting with Head of DSs secondary school that I requested as DS (Yr 9) is exhibiting behavioural problems which lead to him being put in isolation continually.

Head tried to make out that he had requested a meeting with me anyway as they wanted to raise concerns they had about him and that his secretary had called me about this which I have no knowledge of.

DS has SEN as low IQ (70) and paediatrician has diagnosed memory issues/possible ADD/PDA. School are not accepting this and taking the behavioural stuff as due to him being just being badly behaved. Behaviour is talking in class/lack of focus/disorganised. They also accuse him of creating social disruption, e.g today apparently he told a black lad that another boy had called him a 'black Ebola' when the boy didn't, DS made it up. School have said that this will be logged as a racist incident. DS said that a lad had pushed in when they were lining up PE, DS told him to get to the back so the boy spat in his face, DS said 'now i've got your disease' so the boy said 'yeah, you got Ebola' then DS said to another boy 'X said you have Ebola'. DS maintains he did not say 'black Ebola'. Silly incident and there are numerous comparable ones that DS gets involved with.

I had to take DS (5) with me as meeting was after school and I had no one to look after him. Secretary got DS to sit outside with some pens (nice of her) but he occasionally walked into the room. Head made a face and said he did not fell it was appropriate for me to have brought him to the meeting (DS would not have understood what was being said). At that point I walked out saying that I was wasting my time.

Prior to this he has asked me about what punishments we use at home - DS is a nightmare at home and I told him so but I felt he was questioning my parenting from his tone as he seemed to think that we thought it was 'OK' for him to misbehave at school.

He asked if DS had been taken to the GP ignoring the fact that he was referred to the Child Development Centre by the GP 4 years ago and school have copies of all the reports from then.

He questioned why DS does not have a statement if he has learning difficulties. DS does not as when I applied for one last year, it was refused due to the school not reviewing his IEP or getting an Educational Psychologist in to see him. I asked the school a month ago to reapply themselves and they said no as they had drawn up a new plan for him and wanted to wait for a few months.

I am beyond furious. Head is insisting that DS having a low IQ is not an excuse for him not 'conforming' to the behaviour standards of the school. This is despite the paediatrician clearly stating that he has social and emotional issues due to this. They are twisting all this around onto me as a parent. I have supported them with the constant detentions and him being on report but I will not support them continuously isolating him.

WIBU?

People in schools want 'an easy life'???!?! Mind mind is literally boggling right now.

What I'm hearing is that a child with difficulties containing impulsive behaviour has a mother who by storming out of a meeting has demonstrated.... Difficulties containing impulsive behaviour...

And yes I'm aware I'm going to get flamed for daring to voice that.

As a professional who works with teenagers, I spend all day every day dealing with kids who are practically sobbing with the injustice of being unfairly accused of something.... Despite me having just witnessed/heard it! Please stop and consider that there are two sides to every story, that the truth usually lies somewhere in the muddle, and that schools, despite if all, genuinely only want the best for every student. Trust me, it would be a thankless job if they didn't.

Coincidently I have just had a call from the Speech and Language Therapist who have been involved with DS's assessment with the paediatrician (originally assessed for suspected ASD). This was because I wanted to see if they had had any follow up with the school regarding the recommendations that SLT gave to the school last year.

She agreed that his issues with reasoning and vocabulary would absolutely have an impact on his social interactions and behaviour and she said that the school had recently spoken to them about DS because they said I was coming in for a meeting and asked that SLT come to see him in school in the New Year.

I am even more pissed now that the Head was trying to make out that his behaviour is nothing to do with this!

I agree that it is not acceptable that he is disrupting other children but they are making it out to be one-sided. I can tell him not to do it when he gets home (and I do). What else am I supposed to do! I cannot control what he is doing while he is at school. I know the other children have a perception of him as a 'weirdo' and everyone wants to beat him up as he has a twin brother in school (no issues with him, top sets academically) who tells me this!

I have already applied for a ECHP myself now as I was not prepared to wait for the school to do so. They had already suggested getting him a place at a pupil referral unit but it is full apparently.

Thanks for the kind, understanding replies .

have you identified a suitable school? is there one for mild LDs or for PDA type problems?
bearing in mind that he will presumably move to secondary in couple years so you need to look beyond primary school.

who gave him the IQ diagnosis?what tests were done? who did them? it's not usual to use the IQ figure tbh. you need to be more specfic...

what does it actually mean for him eg writing, reading, literacy, maths etc? what is his functioning level?

i agree with pp above that getting him moved into a pru might actually work in his favor as they would then have resource to assess him properly

I can't see why your DS would get a statement based on what you have said

Genuine question - wouldn't an iq of 70 be in itself considered a special educational need? General learning disability or something?

Iq of 70 is really low and would make being at school exceedingly frustrating without the appropriate support in place.

Also, I bet the other kids are fucking horrible to the boy. Far too easy to wind up and pick on the kid that hasn't got great mental agility.

You are not being unreasonable - you seem to be at the end of your tether and it's a long tether from the sounds of it.

I have a DD with global delay etc and an IQ of 60 - so I have an inkling. She went to a local special school where she flourished.

I used to volunteer with our local parent partnership organization - try googling them with your local authority name.

knitknack I am afraid looking at me with disdain that I brought along my younger child to a school (not a business meeting) meeting was the final straw in a very adversarial meeting in which they were obviously trying to cover their own arses and the Head had not even bothered to look up DSs background before the meeting as he asked me whether I had taken him to my GP about his issues.

I have never walked out of any school meeting before I have to say.

Aero and OP- my child was dumped in a PRU. It was awful and no work took place to help them. Then my child was dumped back in the school they had come from.

I would be very careful. My child now has no school.

Yes whois, see my last post just above yours.

As I understand it statements have been being replaced by EHC's.Statements can only be considered if a child's school is unable to meet their needs using available resources. This is why they are so hard to get.

I was told an EHCP is based on need, not diagnosis, by dd old mainstream school HT. There are 3 areas where an EHCP is needed: 1) Physical needs, 2) Social communication, interaction difficulties, 3) cognitive

As op ds, is below average intelligence of 70, that is a significant deficit, which means he probably has moderate learning difficulties, impacting on his learning and behaviour, so therefore, an EHCP would absolutely be needed. There are SS for children with learning difficulties like op ds, that are only accessed by having an EHCP. Op should absolutely get the ball rolling, and get all those professionals involved with ds,with providing evidence for the EHCP, such as SALT, Paeditrician, Ed psych etc.

My friends ds, goes to an excellent PRU, it operates a very therapeutic environment, and has been so valuable in helping my friend get the professional help for her ds, and getting the EHCP going, when his mainstream school did diddly squat.

My friends ds has no dx of ASD, he under the Paeditrician and going to be assessed for ASD, he is extremely intelligent, but because of his suspected ASD, he cannot manage in the mainstream school environment and is in the PRU after being permentently excluded by his old mainstream school. My friend submitted her application for an EHCP for him recently, with all the evidence from the professionals involved, they now have got approval from the LEA for assesment of his needs for the EHCP, so op fight fight fight for what your ds needs, do not take no for an answer.

Some of these posts have been shockingly unsupportive.

Having battled with a deeply unprofessional and incompetent HT over my son's bullying, I completely understand why you might have walked out.

Quite apart from the school's handling of your DS's SEN (I have no knowledge about SEN) I would be angry to turn up to any meeting where the other party is so obviously ill prepared and uninformed about the whole situation. Based on that alone, I'd consider writing to the HT pointing out that
A) you requested the meeting not the school
B) your son has been seen by the GP and requesting the HT take the time to review their copies of the related records
C) you have requested that your DS have a statement and the HT needs to review the correspondence about this.

I'd then ask the HT to suggest a date for a further meeting when he's had time to do this.

That would perhaps be a way to get back into a further meeting with him so you can proceed with the other suggestions?

Any way and good luck.

I am afraid op, you will need to be on their case like shit to a blanket, that is the only way, my dd 8, was lucky, we had a very clued up HT in her mainstream school, who had a dd herself with ASD. The HT was on the ball and got the help dd needed, including statement,but as you are seeing, they are not all like this.

I'm amazed op didn't get the twin brother to sit with younger sibling and provide an appropriate activity instead of relying on the school.

Storming out of the meeting was not going to bring about constructive resolution and moving forward will be more difficult. My advice would be to swallow your anger, apologise for walking out and arrange another meeting where you demonstrate positive vocabulary and behaviours to reach conciliation.

If the school won't request the ECHP, make a parental request to the LA. This lot are clearly dicking about wasting your time.

And I second the recommendation of IPSEA.

I understand where you are coming from. Yes you can keep, paper trails, be on it all the time chase from pillar to post and I expect you have done all these these things. But . It's exhausting. You have a life to lead. A five year old who doesn't magically disappear when needed. Having a child with difficulties is totally exhausting.

I've never found my DDs school very helpful. Although on joining the school we went through her history, it doesn't get passed on. I am not resorting to shouting "she's got brain impairment" at parents evening. Even though I think that might be the only solution sometimes. It's mild enough for her to cope, just. I now go with the opposite tack and talk up all the positive things she does etc at parents eve. And how pleased we are.

Have a book of good stuff tiny stuff, he can take in and show the tutor on a daily basis. Like "we are pleased he sat still at tea and didn't get down until asked. "Find a small thing every day. He possibly will have awful self esteem.

Are you in a position to home educate? At least until you can find a more suitable school place. This school isn't catering for his needs. Are private schools an option?There are some great schools that cater for pupils with SEN.

In fairness to the OP littledrummergirl, furthering the meeting with a HM who didn't have a fucking clue wouldn't have achieved any constructive resolution either.

Was the SENCO in attendance?

maryz

Have you contacted Parent Partnership - I know they can be a bit hit and miss but our one was brilliant and attended meetings with me - took notes and followed up with the school - they really helped get things moving

I took my 7 year old to a meeting recently as she was on an inset - HOY didn't bat an eyelid - your head sounds out of his depth and in need of some serious SEND training xx

It doesn't add up to me that your boy with a low IQ, can manage to recall (despite memory issues) a phrase such as 'black ebola', and be manipulative enough to use it against a black child. Not only that, but he can, with his limited IQ, blame it on another friend.
Where did your child learn about ebola?
What is the problem with black children?

The HT sounds as good as a chocolate fireguard, he did not handle the meeting well at all himself.

Head has now emailed me to ask for another meeting, as it 'did not go to plan'. I am debating saying that all further communication should be in writing.

littledrummergirl Sorry for confusion but DS1 and DS2 are twins in Yr 9 (age 13). DS1 was in a science club and DS2 (subject of the meeting) was in homework club while the meeting was going on, neither were present at the meeting. DS3 (5 year old) came with me as the Head requested an after school meeting which I agreed to as I assumed he would not have time during the school day.