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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think and invite for one is just that

163 replies

Tamponlady · 02/12/2015 12:38

Having my daughters birthday on Saturday fist party she's had since we brought her home

We're on a budget so invited 12 children from nursery family friends children that sort of thing however serval parents have asked about the invited child's sibling now if I wanted to invite them I would of put their name on the invite what really annoys me is my daughter doesn't even know the sibling

I explained to the mother that if it was a issue of childcare she could bring the child however I have only catered for 12 including food , activities and party bags she is more than welcome to pay the extra for her other child

This is not a habit people should get into its rude a cheeky in my view I even thing waits to get flamed even with twins it's a bit forward to think both are invited when it clearly says one name on the invite

And if she tries to get her child invloved I will gently be reminding her who the invite was for btw I gave a months notice so this is not a last minute.com invite were no childcare could have been arranged and they are to small to be left off

OP posts:

Leelu6 · 03/12/2015 08:27

Memememum - why did you take your uninvited child along? I don't think the mum was unreasonable in not providing chair/bag.

Anotherusername1 · 03/12/2015 09:04

Why on earth is it ok for siblings to attend? That's crazy. I really think the lack of common sense around these days is astounding, there is such a sense of entitlement.

Quite. Either decline the invite, leave child on own at party or sort out childcare if dad is at work/otherwise not around. But you cannot expect siblings to be invited too.

I don't remember this being a problem when ds was small. If it was a party with a buffet and bouncy castle it woudn't matter if there was an extra kid (though they wouldn't get a party bag unless I happened to have one left over because someone hadn't turned up). I don't think anyone ever took the mickey. But if it's a paid-for activity then it would be a polite no - but then once the kids are doing paid-for activities like swimming the parents will probably drop and come back later anyway in which case the issue doesn't arise.

AlphaOmicronPi · 03/12/2015 09:53

the Mum said oh yes of course but when we came along two weeks later she had not provided an extra chair/plate or party bag. SO unkind.

The mum agreed you could bring your DD along - that's what you asked. You did not ask if she could come to the party as a full guest and you were wrong to assume your extra child would get food and a party bag. I would never think that. I would assume 'come along' meant 'sit quietly in the corner with an iPad'.

Gosh, some people are so entitled it's staggering.

SummerNights1986 · 03/12/2015 11:21

If it's soft play op yabu.

I don't even ask if I'm 'allowed' to bring my other dc to a softplay party. I just pay for them to get in separately, then buy them food and ask the parent if they would be allowed to eat it at the party table with the others.

I've never had anyone refuse but if you did then i'd just keep the other dc separate to eat whilst thinking you were a bit of a mean knob

futureme · 03/12/2015 11:26

Mememe I think you were being unreasonable there. they've said its OK to bring the sibling but it still up to you to have snacks or treats or entertain them!

triceratops1066 · 03/12/2015 11:42

If you are at the stage (probably until year 2 at school) where its actually really helpful to have parents present as well as the children, then you should be prepared to have siblings. Its a way of getting to know other families which can be very beneficial long term.

StarOnTheTree · 03/12/2015 12:03

Just don't, whatever you do, say yes when you mean no. That happened to me, the Mum said oh yes of course but when we came along two weeks later she had not provided an extra chair/plate or party bag. SO unkind to a 3 year old, SURELY she realised that any embarrassment she may have felt at saying no would not have been as bad angry

See this ^ is when things start to go wrong at parties. It happened to me when a mum asked if she could bring her 2 younger children and I agreed. I meant they could come along with her, not that they were then invited. She sat them at the table first so there wasn't enough seats for the invited children

I've taken siblings along to parties but they haven't joined in activities or the food unless specifically invited too. They most certainly haven't queued up or asked for party bags.

When I've done parties where it was fine for extra kids to join in, then I've always invited them to do so. And I've handed round spare party bags at the end, sometimes even sending them home for siblings who didn't attend. But when an older child is bouncing so much on the bouncy castle that the younger children (who have been invited) can't bounce then that family doesn't get an invitation the following year!

cestlavielife · 03/12/2015 12:22

triceratops ahs a point - Its a way of getting to know other families which can be very beneficial long term.

why? because let's say you suddenly need a pick up from school as a favour if you or dh is ill or something else.

see it as paying your way forward for some time in the future when you need to ask a favour of that family. it's an investment.

PrincessMouse · 03/12/2015 13:17

Its a way of getting to know other families which can be very beneficial long term.

why? because let's say you suddenly need a pick up from school as a favour if you or dh is ill or something else.

Sorry to say but I cant see this type of social relationship / bond between parents developing over a couple of hours whether or not you allow siblings to attend a party

PrincessMouse · 03/12/2015 13:19

That's a couple of hours, on one day of the 365 days in a year.

Notimefortossers · 03/12/2015 13:48

This is getting ridiculous. It's perfectly acceptable to ask if it would be ok to bring a sibling . . . especially when it's at a soft play centre! These places always have large capacities and just because the parent has asked if it's ok to bring them, doesn't mean they're assuming you'll pay for them! I'm assuming if you're on a budget you've not paid for exclusive use of the facility so there's absolutely nothing to stop parents bringing them along and paying for their entry and food whilst their other DC attends your party. You're lucky they asked! And you can always say no.

But what really gets me about your OP is where you say if the child tried to get involved you'll be reminding them they weren't invited . . . how mean spirited is that! You're talking about a little child! (Primary school age is still little!)

I've thrown a party for both my oldest two DC who are 7 and 4 every year. You ALWAYS get a few people asking if they can bring siblings and it either is or isn't ok. I've taken the 4 year old to quite a few of the 7 year olds parties too. It's the norm round here. There's a general understanding that they will be paid for by the parent, if it will cost any extra and that the uninvited child doesn't get a party bag. Last year DC1 had a cinema party where I paid for the use of one screen. I had extra seats so when I was asked if sibings could attend the answer was of course yes, there was room for them and it didn't cost me anymore. As I had been asked I chose to do extra party bags, but you are not obligated to do that. Same with swimming parties and parties in a hall. It's a large capacity and it doesn't cost the host any more for a few extra children to attend so what's the big deal? Soft play, parent pays, job done. Only time I can see it being a problem is if the party was at your house and you didn't have the room . . . and then comes in that no word we were talking about earlier

Yes OP. YABU . . . VVVU

Notimefortossers · 03/12/2015 14:04

That's a couple of hours, on one day of the 365 days in a year.

Not true. Once they start school you'll be at a party (not yours) every single weekend. And a build up of all these events plus playground drop off/pick ups twice a day does lead parents to form bonds. Each interaction you have with a person adds to the person's opinion of you i.e. whether you're nice or not! What are the other parents going to think of OP after the way she's handled this? (Assuming she's speaking to them in the same tone she's speaking to us!)

I have friends who I've met because our children our in the same year at school. My eldest is now year 2, so including nursery year I've known the other mums for 4 years. I wouldn't say any of them are my best friends or anything, but I am close enough to a good handful of them to ask them if they could collect for me if the other DC are sick for example.

PrincessMouse · 03/12/2015 14:38

Once they start school you'll be at a party (not yours) every single weekend. And a build up of all these events plus playground drop off/pick ups twice a day does lead parents to form bonds. Each interaction you have with a person adds to the person's opinion of you i.e. whether you're nice or not!

This was my point exactly. One single interaction at a birthday party will not determine the kind on ongoing relationship parents and children have. It takes a lot more than a couple of hours on one day in 365 days. I doubt very much people that develop strong / good relationships over a long period of time would fall out over a couple of hours however if this did happen then that relationship wasn't that great in the first instance. Also not everyone will be bothered about siblings attending (as per the differing opinions on this thread) so Op may have some parents not wish to continue developing a relationship but I doubt everyone would fall out with her. On the flip side some parents may not wish to continue friendships with parents that seem entitled or difficult when siblings aren't invited to parties.

I do agree (as stated above) the Op does come across some what aggressive but I assumed she was irritated and venting. Let's hope this isn't her usual communication style IRL.

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