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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think and invite for one is just that

163 replies

Tamponlady · 02/12/2015 12:38

Having my daughters birthday on Saturday fist party she's had since we brought her home

We're on a budget so invited 12 children from nursery family friends children that sort of thing however serval parents have asked about the invited child's sibling now if I wanted to invite them I would of put their name on the invite what really annoys me is my daughter doesn't even know the sibling

I explained to the mother that if it was a issue of childcare she could bring the child however I have only catered for 12 including food , activities and party bags she is more than welcome to pay the extra for her other child

This is not a habit people should get into its rude a cheeky in my view I even thing waits to get flamed even with twins it's a bit forward to think both are invited when it clearly says one name on the invite

And if she tries to get her child invloved I will gently be reminding her who the invite was for btw I gave a months notice so this is not a last minute.com invite were no childcare could have been arranged and they are to small to be left off

OP posts:

foolonthehill · 02/12/2015 13:22

So if the Op has budgeted for 12 children invited to the party and one parent is expected to stay as they are little, people are telling her off for not including the sibling of said children if requested?...so potentially paying for 24 others....

actually i have 4 children all within 5 years of one another......so potentially she could have a party for 12 turn into a party for 48? because you couldn't say yes to one and no to another could you?

I think it is completely ok to say NO to siblings being included in the paid for part...if it's at an open venue where the sib can be paid for separately then that's fine so long as the parent can supervise the extra child...maybe babes in arms would not be an issue either but that would depend on the venue.

Bejeena · 02/12/2015 13:25

How old is your daughter? You say nursery so I am assuming child in question not very old and sibling might even be younger

reni2 · 02/12/2015 13:27

Bringing siblings is really common where we are, people don't even ask. It's less common when they are late primary age, under 7 half of them turn up with 1 or 2 siblings.

JustRosieHere · 02/12/2015 13:38

I have had to take both children to parties only one has been invited to. If it's a play centre I don't ask, I just pay entry for the other one and let them play but not join in the party stuff. Usually if I take both it's because DH is at work, I don't have anyone else to have them for two hours in the middle of the day as family don't live close by. If you don't want the sibling to attend just say no but given they are two years old the parent may say they can't stay and therefore invited child can't attend.

Littleoddfeet · 02/12/2015 13:39

When my DS had his 5th party at a soft play place a couple of mums texted to ask if they could bring siblings which I didn't have a problem with. On the day, one mum bought DS' classmate (who was invited) and an extra sibling without asking, I (foolishly I now see but this was in Year R!!) added the sibling to the list so the mum didn't have to pay the £4-5 entry fee. I let the sibling join in with games, eat food etc with no problem as I didn't want her to feel left out. When they left I gave the sibling a party bag. Fast forward a few months to classmate's party and DS was not invited!! I was and ! Shan't do that again in a hurry!! Some peoples complete lack of manners does leave me stunned!!

KakiFruit · 02/12/2015 13:39

I can't believe people are telling the OP she has to cater for a bunch of extra children she hasn't invited.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 02/12/2015 13:42

Nor can I Kaki

YANBU at all OP.

People are being very very rude if they think they should be able to include their other dc in invitations. How selfish to put that problem onto the hosts.

PrincessMouse · 02/12/2015 13:42

I can see where you are coming from Op. I agree with your position on this. DD is 2 on NYE. We have a party planned for early January and we have invited 20 kids. No siblings are invited.

No one has yet asked if they can bring a sibling but if they do I will be declining their request. Two reasons -

we only want DDs circle of friends to attend.
the premises (under 5 play gym) we have hired is small and only insured to hold 20 kids (Max) so siblings would not be able to attend anyway

If the parents can't attend because of childcare issues then so be it. But I do think it's rude to expect siblings to attend a party they ain't invited to. I also think it's not on to put the organiser in an awkward position by asking if a sibling can attend. If siblings were invited the invite would say Child + sibling(s)

AlphaOmicronPi · 02/12/2015 13:43

Are you quite sure the other parent was after an invitation for the sibling?

Because, around here, if your child is invited to a soft play party it is quite common for a sibling to tag along. Not crash the party, but the parents pay for the sibling entry to the soft play place and they go on the equipment, play with whoever. They normally eat at the parents table rather than joining in with the party food though.

I think this is fair enough and has happened at every soft play party I've ever hosted. Not everybody has friends/family available for childcare and many preschoolers want their parents to stay with them at a party. I didn't leave DD at a party until she was in Yr 1.

Are you sure she wasn't just giving you a heads up? As in, 'I'll have to bring X hope you don't mind'?

reni2 · 02/12/2015 13:44

I think the sibling etiquette is really different in different places. It seems a total faux pas for some and so natural they wouldn't even ask before bringing one for others.

The thing is, if you expect a 2yo plus parent to stay chances are there will be some siblings. Few parents are going to shell out £30 for a babysitter to attend a party their child won't even remember.

dementedpixie · 02/12/2015 13:49

If its a hall type party then siblings would have been welcome. If soft play/bowling, etc then only those invited would be catered for but siblings could be paid in and have food bought for them by the parent. (That's what's happened at parties I have hosted/been to)

AwfulBeryl · 02/12/2015 13:51

I don't think anyone has said the op has to cater for a bunch of extra children Kaki
The op has said that some parents have asked if they can bring the siblings along, other MNers have simply said what they would do in that situation.
No one is saying she has To provide for a gaggle of siblings.

futureme · 02/12/2015 13:51

Gosh I'm surprised anywhere thinks its normal to include siblings! You'd have to bigger budget/make twice as many party bags and food etc....

Here as others have said if its softpkay you often bring a sibling if the other parent can't have them, but pay separately and don't join in the party food or if there's games and certainly not expect a good bag!

My daughters birthday is soon. I've made the right number of goodie bags and will have to pay on the day per head for party food. I've entirely budgeted for her friends and even then its cost me more than I'd like!

It can be different if you know all the siblings/friends of the family or you have a large garden party where it doesn't matter etc but I completely agree with op!

LockTheTaskBar · 02/12/2015 13:52

I can see both sides here.

asking can be simply asking to the asker, but can be received as quite cheeky by the askee. I don't personally like being asked things I can't say yes to, it makes me quite stressed

but on the other hand, when I had children of an age where parents would stay at birthday parties, I always held parties in circumstances where siblings could be included, because I did not want to create a childcare problem for the parent. If I couldn't afford to add siblings to a venue, I would hold it at home. DP and I had no local family or friendly neighbours / friends who could just step in and it is pretty stressful when people just assume that you can just ask someone to help out. There are two of us, but one of us is often busy, and anyway even if you aren't technically attending an appointment on a saturday afternoon it sort of dictates a whole family's activities for a quarter of the weekend if one of the children is invited to a party AND a parent has to stay with them AND the other parent has to look after the other one, not necessarily in circumstances we would have chosen... when you both work full time that seems very high handed. And of course, other parents may be single parents so even more logistical crunch for them.

so in short, while it is cheeky to ask it is inconsiderate to put such a logistical demand on another family, and I was always quite clear that I wasn't going to do it.

(On the other hand I always made this clear on invitations - that siblings could come too - so people didn't have to ask and it is cheeky to ask)

fleurdelacourt · 02/12/2015 13:54

When they were 2, it would have been common enough for a parent to stay with other child/children if they didn't have anywhere else to leave them.

If you're in a soft play place then fair enough they pay for the sibling, but if you're at home/in a hall then it's easy enough to have a few extra bits of food for the siblings and some sweeties for them to have as a going home gift?

I'd bite the bullet personally - for very little outlay you can please a lot of people who you're probably going to be in contact with quite a bit over the next few years?

ofallthenerve · 02/12/2015 13:57

I think the OP is perfectly entitled to say no, especially if it's a pay per head activity. But if the you are the sort of person who finds the parent merely asking if the sibling can attend the height of bad manners or somehow outrageous then you are BU IMHO. It obviously happens a lot based on this thread, so it's hardly worth getting the arse about it.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 02/12/2015 13:59

It's simpler just to make it clear on the invite that babes in arms/siblings are/not welcome so that parents can make a decision when they accept the invite. Many people work on weekends, it's silly to assume that the other parent can look after any remaining children.

If they are welcome, it should be clear in what capacity and whether or not you need to know in advance if they will be there. A small child isn't going to understand why they don't get a balloon but a 9 yr old who is forced to come along and sit in the corner of church hall with an ipad isn't going to be bothered.

As the host it is your choice as to whether you accommodate it but as a parent of more than one child it is really awkward to have to ask if you can bring a toddler or forego the invite on behalf of your child.

eg: Siblings are very welcome / not welcome provided that you let me know 24 hours in advance as I have to advise the hall manager for insurance purposes. juggle plastic tat into more party bags

Unfortunately the entertainer/bouncy castle company has put a limit on the number of children actively participating in the party and so small siblings will need to be managed by supervising parents and older children will need to sit it out.

OP if you have email address, just send out a quick note.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/12/2015 14:03

Yanbu, you are totally right, you will meet people trying to take the piss. I would say no, if they can't get childcare, then they can't go to the party.

LittleSnaily · 02/12/2015 14:07

If these are babies/toddlers then it's really just a social event for parents with stuff to entertain the small ones. So you are being unreasonable - the babies/toddlers won't want their parents to go home. Just make some sandwiches/crisps, wine for grown-ups and RELAX.

ghostspirit · 02/12/2015 14:08

i have only done a couple of partys but when i have. i have always expected the siblings. but thats probs because i have a rough idea of peoples situations.

when i have been in a situation of one has been invited and no childcare for the other then i ring up and ask. and i take who ever is not invited with me and take a few snacks. but i have never had anyone say he/she cant eat or join in. but there is not a party bag. and there are some partys one of them cant join depending on what sort it is. in that case they just sit with me with have a couple of snacks form home. its slowing for me now as my son is 8 so he gets left . but sometimes with the 5 year old i have to stay...

bialystockandbloom · 02/12/2015 14:15

I don't really mind I do a bit if siblings tag along, as long as the parent asks first, so at least I know to do a bit more food etc.

If the parent is all nice and smiley and grateful for it, that's absolutely fine. Most parents at both my dc's schools are basically lovely and have appreciated that the siblings are tagging along. And of course I realise childcare is an issue, if the child isn't old enough to leave at the party.

But hate it when they just bloody turn up, and expect a party bag. I've had a fair few arrogant fuckers who have just turned up with their whole brood, barely even acknowledging us the hosts, and at the end the uninvited children have just come up without a word, expectantly holding out their spoilt little fucking hands for a party bag. I wish I had the balls to give my most passive-aggressive sweet smile and say really loudly "oh I'm so sorry Jemima, MUMMY DIDN'T TELL ME YOU WERE COMING so I'm afraid I haven't done a party bag for you". But I won't.

Pseudo341 · 02/12/2015 14:18

YANBU, Twelve can easily become twenty or more if everyone brings all their siblings, that's a huge difference in numbers. They've had plenty notice to sort out childcare.

Personally I'm a feeder, we hire a big hall so there's room for everyone and make it clear siblings are welcome. The first year I catered for the adults separately but we had tons left over so I've learned to just over cater for the kids and let the adults grab the leftovers. One year I sourced five booster seats so that all the younger siblings could sit at the table, they always get different baby appropriate party bags.

The thing is, I'm well aware that I'm just a bit nuts and most people don't want to do this. One of my friends with a child with a birthday very close to my DD was embarrassed that she couldn't return the sibling invite for my younger daughter because they we're paying for an organized party that had a set limit on numbers. I assured her I wasn't bothered in the slightest. I also don't worry about people not returning invites. I just get on and invite all and sundry because that's the way I am, and I don't worry about what anyone else does. If you can't cater for siblings that's fine, just say so. You get on and do your thing and let everyone else do their thing.

SoWhite · 02/12/2015 14:25

One half of a pair of twins is awful.

fourkids · 02/12/2015 14:27

In my world it was virtually always okay to bring/take siblings - the norm being to offer to pay the extra, although the norm being to generally decline the offer. extras never expected party bags but they were often given one anyway.

I say was as DCs are all teens now, and I'm talking about small children - toddlers and infant school age really.

I only recall one mother ever saying no. It wouldn't have cost her anything and it wouldn't have spoiled the party. I just presumed she was a bit tight or a bit uptight.

StarOnTheTree · 02/12/2015 14:31

But hate it when they just bloody turn up, and expect a party bag. I've had a fair few arrogant fuckers who have just turned up with their whole brood, barely even acknowledging us the hosts, and at the end the uninvited children have just come up without a word, expectantly holding out their spoilt little fucking hands for a party bag. I wish I had the balls to give my most passive-aggressive sweet smile and say really loudly "oh I'm so sorry Jemima, MUMMY DIDN'T TELL ME YOU WERE COMING so I'm afraid I haven't done a party bag for you". But I won't.

My friend was once stressing because she only had enough party bags for the invited children and not for the others (about 6 or 7 siblings). She's not assertive enough to not give them to children who queue up expectantly so I handed them out. I have no problem with nicely saying 'Sorry sweetheart, we've only got enough bags for the invited children'. Better than having to tell an invited child that we'd run out of bags

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