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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think and invite for one is just that

163 replies

Tamponlady · 02/12/2015 12:38

Having my daughters birthday on Saturday fist party she's had since we brought her home

We're on a budget so invited 12 children from nursery family friends children that sort of thing however serval parents have asked about the invited child's sibling now if I wanted to invite them I would of put their name on the invite what really annoys me is my daughter doesn't even know the sibling

I explained to the mother that if it was a issue of childcare she could bring the child however I have only catered for 12 including food , activities and party bags she is more than welcome to pay the extra for her other child

This is not a habit people should get into its rude a cheeky in my view I even thing waits to get flamed even with twins it's a bit forward to think both are invited when it clearly says one name on the invite

And if she tries to get her child invloved I will gently be reminding her who the invite was for btw I gave a months notice so this is not a last minute.com invite were no childcare could have been arranged and they are to small to be left off

OP posts:

ProjectPerfect · 02/12/2015 18:48

If you want parents to stay then IMO you need to accommodate siblings.

Chippednailvarnish · 02/12/2015 18:58

I'm never sure why some people post in "AIBU?" when all they want to do is argue with anyone who doesn't agree with them.

ClancyMoped · 02/12/2015 19:03

INickedAName. That's terrible. It's a shame you didn't ask the extras to pay, they may not have realized that you were being charged for their kids and not have wanted you to pay for them. Of course, if they knew you were going to be stuck with the bill then even more reason to make them pay themselves.

I don't understand why some people are so coy about money. There is no reason you should have felt the slightest embarrassment about something that some scrounging parents did.

With party invites I think the host can do whatever they like as long as it's clear on the invites. Who is invited, who is NOT invited, extra costs, what food will be served, if parents are to stay, go or do what they like.

00100001 · 02/12/2015 19:16

Ssee this kind of crap is why we never do birthday parties- it's a family birthday tea and an outing of some sort (with family. job done.

Maudofallhopefulness · 02/12/2015 19:19

I would never presume my other DC was invited and I wouldn't ask either unless the party involved a lift of a fair distance with nothing else to do with sibling.

Kids' parties are expensive and I know often some friends are excluded to keep numbers down. Non friends turning up are a piss take IMO. Ds2 went to one at the weekend , a 4th birthday party. There were some older siblings of invitees there and they dominated the little ones.

Ds1 has his party on Friday. His own brother isn't even going.

RubbleBubble00 · 02/12/2015 19:42

if your inviting parents of 3 year olds then you have to expect parents to stay - we laid on tea/coffee and biscuits.

Since its soft play I just say to the parents of the party I'm bringing my other dc as dh works away, I'm going to pay them in and buy them some food there, hope that's ok. All parents have been fine with this. My other dc don't expect a bag - party parents usually give a bit of cake and I take some small toys for them to have instead of bag

TheWrathofNaan · 02/12/2015 19:43

Why when it comes to presents does mumsnet see twins as two separate people but for parties they are seen as a unit of two?

MynameisMummy · 02/12/2015 19:46

I think this is a tough one, honestly - and I've been on both sides of it. If you have more than one child, weekend parties are logistically difficult even if two of you are around. If you're bothered about it, best thing to do is be explicit on the invitation (regret no siblings due to party format), or you could email round if you have already sent them. But - and it's a big but - you then cannot be miffed if a number of people decline because it makes their life difficult. Personally I like the approach that most people take which is that it's a courtesy to people to allow them to bring along a sibling, although on the understanding that they don't dominate the party or ask for goody bags. That said, if it's a pay per head thing, I don't think anyone would think it unreasonable for you to say no siblings.

Fratelli · 02/12/2015 21:04

If you can't afford it just say "sorry I can't accommodate any extras". Rather than saying "yes but make sure they don't join in!" Be prepared for those parents to decline though if they can't get childcare. Personally if money's tight I would save a party like that for when dc will remember it. A party at home would be more budget friendly and I doubt anyone would ask to bring siblings to your home.

MythicalKings · 02/12/2015 21:36

I don't understand this at all. Both DSs had parties when they were young and never once was a parent rude enough to ask if an uninvited DC could attend. And I was never rude enough to ask if the other DC could attend one that his DB was invited to.

Bewildering that this happens.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 02/12/2015 21:37

Inickedaname I actually think that that is really bad of the venue - everywhere I have been has a list of the invited children's names and ticks them off so any extras are spotted.

Otherwise we could all just turn up at the local soft play, announce that we are hear for Lily / Jack / Olivia's party (there is always a Lily / Olivia / Jack) and get in for free!

KatieLatie · 02/12/2015 21:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Balaboosta · 02/12/2015 22:01

I think you are getting an overly easy ride here OP and I think YABVU. Do you have a social bone in your body? The children are 2 - they're little more than babies. At this stage you are trying to get to know families - to form relationships that create the community of children that your DCs (and you!) will mix with and encounter and grow up with. If you can't afford a party then wait till you can - or have it at home instead of a soft play type one. You are trying to make memories, build relationships, create a community for your child here. You are missing the point of a party. The person who said the older siblings ruined their DC's party - there is a middle ground. could you really not manage this situation? It doesn't have to go like that.

Balaboosta · 02/12/2015 22:05

Fwiw - I lay on wine, beer, mince pies for adults. I only have parties on years that I can afford it, and the parties I do are for both my twins (ahem!) together. I have also shared parties with other children, in order to spread costs of a big party. I have had some really memorable ones!

Balaboosta · 02/12/2015 22:07

I've responded so much on this thread because I am in the process of organising a big party for DTs having not done it for several years and am enjoying setting it up to include everybody - including lots of my own friends. It takes a village to raise a child - I am firmly of this opinion! Threads like this just tell me how everyone is so atomised and individuated these days.

Fuckitfay · 02/12/2015 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ghostspirit · 02/12/2015 22:13

i dont think its rude to ask if a sibling to come as long as if the answer is no that the person is ok with that and it does not cause any bad feeling. i think my child would be upset if her friend could not make it because there had been no childcare for a sibling. i would much rather be asked if its ok rather than not come at all.

its just one of them things that kids that are invited will often have siblings and people cant always get childcare.

futureme · 02/12/2015 22:16

Balboosta - she can afford the party. She can't afford extras! I think she was clear about that.

DisappointedOne · 02/12/2015 22:37

We're just going through the round of 5th birthday parties. Most of DD's classmates have had whole class parties in sports halls and village halls. Nobody ever drops and runs at these parties.

A friend was asked by a couple of parents if they could bring a sibling to her DD's party. She said no problem. On the day 5 more parents turned up with other children - 1 brought 3! She sat all 4 of her kids down at the table for food before anyone else. You can probably guess which child was the first grabbing at the party bags.

ghostspirit · 02/12/2015 22:45

ah i do think if a sibling is going there should be firm rules set. such as explaining its not his/her invite and that he is to sit with me with a snack there is no joining in unless the party host says its ok. same gos for the food.

memememum · 02/12/2015 22:49

YABU. Please take a polite request as just that. You can answer either yes or no! Parents need to work out what they will do with their other child during the party, so need to check with you.

Just don't, whatever you do, say yes when you mean no. That happened to me, the Mum said oh yes of course but when we came along two weeks later she had not provided an extra chair/plate or party bag. SO unkind to a 3 year old, SURELY she realised that any embarrassment she may have felt at saying no would not have been as bad

incywincybitofa · 03/12/2015 00:09

Tampon Lady I have been reading some of your other threads and you sound very stressed/angry.
Given one thread I have read I don't think all of this anger is about a party.
Is the party for you or for her?
I do remember that first birthday, but I also remembered having to reign it all in a bit because my heart felt ideas were bigger than DC1 could cope with. At the time, which I know is different for you, my DC would not have managed a soft play party. But I do remember how important it was to get it right.
I just wonder if you have an awful lot on, and a lot to do, and all of the anger in your threads reflects you or the situation you are currently in.

MythicalKings · 03/12/2015 06:30

the Mum said oh yes of course but when we came along two weeks later she had not provided an extra chair/plate or party bag. SO unkind to a 3 year old

But why should she provide all that? The 3 year old wasn't invited. She said it was ok to bring her along because you couldn't get childcare, it wasn't a party invitation, they had already been issued.

PrincessMouse · 03/12/2015 07:12

Just don't, whatever you do, say yes when you mean no. That happened to me, the Mum said oh yes of course but when we came along two weeks later she had not provided an extra chair/plate or party bag.

Your second DC wasn't invited to the party? You asked to take her presumably because of childcare issues. The host was catering for invited guests only. I do think it's a bit presumptuous to have expected for the host to cater for your second DC. Imagine if everyone brought an extra DC. It wasn't the host been unkind. You went unprepared to sort your other DC out and expected the host to pay more. IMO I think that's very unfair on the host.

Guiltydilemma · 03/12/2015 07:25

What Summer nights 1986 said. The rude ones are the ones that just turn up with extra in tow!
I take it you can get child care quite easily OP? Those that can't and need to bend over backwards don't want to use childcare for a child's party!

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