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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think and invite for one is just that

163 replies

Tamponlady · 02/12/2015 12:38

Having my daughters birthday on Saturday fist party she's had since we brought her home

We're on a budget so invited 12 children from nursery family friends children that sort of thing however serval parents have asked about the invited child's sibling now if I wanted to invite them I would of put their name on the invite what really annoys me is my daughter doesn't even know the sibling

I explained to the mother that if it was a issue of childcare she could bring the child however I have only catered for 12 including food , activities and party bags she is more than welcome to pay the extra for her other child

This is not a habit people should get into its rude a cheeky in my view I even thing waits to get flamed even with twins it's a bit forward to think both are invited when it clearly says one name on the invite

And if she tries to get her child invloved I will gently be reminding her who the invite was for btw I gave a months notice so this is not a last minute.com invite were no childcare could have been arranged and they are to small to be left off

OP posts:
Hamishandthefoxes · 02/12/2015 15:32

2 yo twins probably don't really have seperate interests or friends.

Personally, I'd make it clear in the invitations "We're very sorry but the venue can only accommodate x children so we're not able to invite siblings to stay".

I wouldn't mind parents asking, and would certainly prefer someone to ask than assume siblings couldn't attend so they'd have to decline the invitation. I've certainly been to parties when my children were younger where very few children (only the onlies so 2 or 3) would be able to come to the party if no siblings were allowed.

BarbarianMum · 02/12/2015 15:34

Cloudy maybe where you are. Round here that's more of a reception thing and then only sometimes.

Cloudyflower · 02/12/2015 15:36

This thread just highlights that we all have different values and principles.

Mine wouldn't allow me to see a 3 year old sat watching other children have fun and not be allowed to join in. Neither would it allow me to invite one twin to a party and not the other at that age.

KERALA1 · 02/12/2015 15:38

YANBU

So according to some posters if you don't invite all the class you are a horrid meanie and look you also have to invite their siblings too. Say 40 odd kids all in. So a party from hell for all concerned just to ensure that someone somewhere doesn't have hurt feelings. Ridiculous.

TheSecondViola · 02/12/2015 15:39

I agree in principle but you dont have to be a dick about it.

Threesquids · 02/12/2015 15:40

Just say no.
Then she will tell other parents who will know not to try their luck next time!

I'm with you on this OP - you have invited specific people.

It's like sending out wedding invites then everyone bringing a +1 who wasn't invited.

If the parent can't find childcare, then the invited child can't come, simple. That's not your issue, that's the other parent's issue.

I say this as a mother of 3 BTW

tbtc20 · 02/12/2015 15:44

cloudy it was me that said I agreed with not having to invite both twins, but yes at 2 yo I would invite them both. I'm thinking of when children start to make their own friends and choose who to invite. At a second b'day party that's not the case.

Original poster
Tamponlady · 02/12/2015 15:45

Um and in regards to whole nursery party's my daughters nursery has one toddler room and 50 children and about 7 staff so there was no way that would ever be happening they knocked both toddler classes into one over the summer

OP posts:
FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 02/12/2015 15:47

Wow. Normally these threads are totally on the side of the OP - if the parent asks then it's perfectly ok to say no.

I don't think you're being unreasonable - and btw I have twins, if one was invited and not the other then I wouldn't just take them both!

Not sure why it's the party thrower's responsibility to think about childcare Confused

gabsdot · 02/12/2015 15:47

I've had parties for my kids where siblings have turned up and I've had to pay for them. I've never had the nerve to say no. At least this mother asked you first. Your mistake was that you should have been very clear that the sibling is not invited. When it costs you per head it's very cheeky to ask to be invited.

The worst was my DDs party at Build a bear. DD was turning 8 so the guests were all around that age. One mother arrived to drop off her DD and said she'd stay to keep me company. She had her 2 year old with her. I told her that it was fine I didn't need company but she hung around for at least 30 minutes while the 2 year old got more and more upset that she couldn't have a bear and couldn't join in with the party. She screamed the place down. Eventually the mother came and said "I'm sorry, I'll have to go, she doesn't understand that she can't have a bear, (no sh... Sherlock, She's 2). Then there was a big fuss as she said goodbye to her other child who didn't care. Ugh!!! Then she met up with us as McDonald's and I ended up buying the baby a happy meal.

BabyGanoush · 02/12/2015 15:49

no, the money thing is nonsense. I don't buy it. it's just a dictatorial attitude.

If you can afford to have a party somewhere at a place (soft play?) you can afford to slice the cake in slightly smaller pieces and add a pennies toy (poundshop stuff). Or give the sibling a sweet or even just a bit of cake.

Cloudyflower · 02/12/2015 15:53

Felicia nobody is saying that it's the ops responsibility to consider other parents childcare but her flippant attitude assumes others have childcare when not everyone does.

DisappointedOne · 02/12/2015 15:53

Although why anyone is arranging a birthday party for a 2 year old when they're on a tight budget I don't know. Save it for when they're old enough to remember confused.

This.

LeaLeander · 02/12/2015 15:56

I think it's rude to fish for an invitation for anyone not on the original. Don't subscribe to the "it never hurts to ask" school of thought. Because yes, it is impolite to put someone on the spot. So the parents are very rude for inquiring about extra attendees.

That said: Toddlers cannot independently attend parties on their own. It seems to me that realistic planning would take that into account. If I couldn't cater for the children, and the parents, and impromptu guests (yes, they are rude to bring siblings uninvited but my personal standard would require me to still provide them with food and drink) I would cut the guest list or change the venue. It's just not worth all that stress and I would never put myself in the position of saying "they can come but they can't eat" or similar.

Personally I am perplexed as to why anyone would go to great trouble and expense for a toddler party in the first place; in my family it's just cake and ice cream at the home of the parents or grandparents, with a few relatives, until the child is well into school age -- maybe 8 or 10 before "friend parties" start happening. And even then they usually take place at home, and certainly not every single year. But to each her own.

Original poster
Tamponlady · 02/12/2015 15:56

For the last time my daughter is not 2 she is 3 years old this will be the first one I have held for her the child I invited is 2 and their sibling is primay school age

OP posts:
Hamishandthefoxes · 02/12/2015 15:58

That's interesting, because I'd be more worried if I'd invited 12 named children to a party and all but 2, say, declined without an explanation!

Hamishandthefoxes · 02/12/2015 15:58

that was to Lea by the way.

DisappointedOne · 02/12/2015 16:00

For the last time my daughter is not 2 she is 3 years old this will be the first one I have held for her the child I invited is 2 and their sibling is primay school age

No difference.

BarbarianMum · 02/12/2015 16:02

Why is it so important that a child remembers it years later? Is it not enough that they are old enough to enjoy it when it's happening?

Original poster
Tamponlady · 02/12/2015 16:03

poster FeliciaJollygoodfellow

Times clearly have changed you Clearly now expected to cater for any siblings people may like to bring and also factor in others child care issue

We're I am from you get a invite be it wedding birthday whatever and the only person who turns up is the one whose name is on the invite unless the person inviting you says feel free to bring a plus one

OP posts:
Minibelle · 02/12/2015 16:04

Op you're obviously happy with the decision you have made and are not really discussing points other posters are making so was this thread started in the hope that everyone was just going to agree with you or?

witsender · 02/12/2015 16:05

My eldest is 5 , and we haven't yet been invited to a party at which we were expected to leave her, parents are always expected to stay. Maybe this is why siblings being there is so normal.

longestlurkerever · 02/12/2015 16:10

I think this attitude is quite mean if they're too young for drop and run. Presumably your kid wants theirs to come so it's in everyone's interest that they can, and it's kind of self important to think people should pay for childcare for the privilege of coming to supervise their other one at your kid's birthday treat, at a time and place chosen for your convenience rather than theirs. So if I could be accommodating I would be and if not I'd just say a polite "I'm sorry but we're at capacity" and not agonise over it. Silly to say it's cheeky to ask. Surely it's a shame if two kids miss out because two adults can't manage a grown up conversation without getting all offended. But I'd always predict that siblings would need to attend if adults are expected to stay and plan the party accordingly. If adults aren't expected to stay then, yes, it's fine to be firm that numbers are fixed though, again, if a parent had to stay because it was too far to be worth going home then Id try to include the sibling.

Notonthestairs · 02/12/2015 16:11

No party bags for those not specifically invited. Parent pays for any extras at softplay, build a bear etc. Thats pretty much the law.

But to ban parents bringing along more than one child would have pretty much impossible where I live - a commuter town where a lot of people live away from their family and where other halves often work shifts or have hobbies or parents have 3/4 kids etc.

I couldnt have afforded to pay for a childminder to attend a kids party.

I can see where you are coming from Op so am not slating you but in years to come you'l have to let this slide a bit or anticpate that lots of people cant come to your childs party. What if your child's best friend has a younger sibling and the mum doesnt have any family to help her out?

And who knows, you might (or not, no pressure) have another child and find it difficult yourself to balance it all yourself.

In my experience the younger kids love having the olders ones there (and I was very quick to jump on any boisterous behaviour).

Really though this bit doesnt last long - the older ones gradually find it too uncool to come to younger kids parties.

Relax a bit and try not to get stressed in advance.

bruffin · 02/12/2015 16:13

Mine wouldn't allow me to see a 3 year old sat watching other children have fun and not be allowed to join in. Neither would it allow me to invite one twin to a party and not the other at that age.
Except in OP case neither is true, she says sibling is primary school age and no twins involved.

OP I dont drive and had no childcare so i have had to get taxi to playbarn or wherever when dc were little, i have taken a younger sibling along, but have paid for them myself and not expected party bags etc. I have had a sibling dumped on me once but in that case someone didnt turn up, so i let them have the absentees bag etc

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