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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think and invite for one is just that

163 replies

Tamponlady · 02/12/2015 12:38

Having my daughters birthday on Saturday fist party she's had since we brought her home

We're on a budget so invited 12 children from nursery family friends children that sort of thing however serval parents have asked about the invited child's sibling now if I wanted to invite them I would of put their name on the invite what really annoys me is my daughter doesn't even know the sibling

I explained to the mother that if it was a issue of childcare she could bring the child however I have only catered for 12 including food , activities and party bags she is more than welcome to pay the extra for her other child

This is not a habit people should get into its rude a cheeky in my view I even thing waits to get flamed even with twins it's a bit forward to think both are invited when it clearly says one name on the invite

And if she tries to get her child invloved I will gently be reminding her who the invite was for btw I gave a months notice so this is not a last minute.com invite were no childcare could have been arranged and they are to small to be left off

OP posts:

TheOriginalMerylStrop · 02/12/2015 16:16

Sorry if I have missed it - is this party at home? If so YABU and a bit horrid, 2&3 year olds don't eat much and the extra party bag will cost pennies. Participating should also be no issue. In future perhaps you will anticipate this a bit and buy some extra mini sausages and haribo?

If it's at a cost per head place eg soft play usual form is that if older siblings come they pay their own admission, have a bit of the inevitably leftover food and suck it up in relation to a party bag if the venue is tight; or, parent just pays for the extra kid.

So depends where it is.

But I think from your tone you are clearly quite stressed about the whole thing.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/12/2015 16:22

This depends COMPLETELY on where you're having the party.
Pay per head - yanbu.
Party at home - yabu. Don't worry about it, make one extra jam sandwich (cost 5p), it's not worth the stress. Chances are more than one sibling will turn up as well I'm afraid. I also make a few extra party bags and my girls get them if they're unused.

Original poster

Tamponlady · 02/12/2015 16:24

No it's not a party at home

Its at a soft play type thing

OP posts:

Original poster

Tamponlady · 02/12/2015 16:25

If it was a home party then there would be no issue but due to the invite she clearly knew it wasn't at my home

OP posts:

MERLYPUSSEDOFF · 02/12/2015 16:27

Depends on the type of party and the age of the child. If it's nursery kids and the sibling is younger (provided it is not a paid per head event - soft play, macdonalds etc) I would let them come, join in the games (but they would have to pay the entrance fee for the extra child. Like when one of my twins has an invite to the cinema I asked if I could pay the extra to take twin 2 as it was a kids film that we would never have seen as a family) and let them have a piece of cake and a balloon.

(Twin 2 knew birthday boy through beavers but not in his class, so he wasn't a random stranger)

If it's at your house I would do the same.

AlphaOmicronPi · 02/12/2015 16:27

Sorry to labour the point OP but she specifically ask if the sibling could attend as a full party guest or was she asking if you'd mind if she brought him along and paid for entry herself?

unicorn501 · 02/12/2015 16:28

I'm a single parent so if one of my DC were invited to a party and I was expected to stay I would have to bring the other one. If it's a soft pls etc it's fine, I just pay for the other one to go in and keep them away from the party room. If it's in a house/church hall it's a bit difficult and I would always ask if I can either drop and run or stay with the other child. Thankfully people are always lovely and my older DC always ends up involved in the games/allowed a piece of cake etc.

I think YABU for complaining about the other mother asking- and especially expecting the school age child to sit there and not join in. If that's how you feel then just say she can't come.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 02/12/2015 16:30

No Choccy, I'm sure having your 1 year old in a pram will be absolutely fine. The problem is having extra siblings turn up and take part in a party which is run on a pay-per-head basis. Or somewhere that serves food on a price-per-head basis.

A 1 year old nibbling on a sandwich from his sister's plate - or from a homemade buffet in general - isn't going to upset anyone .

If it does, then the world has truly gone mad.

Johnny5isAlive · 02/12/2015 16:33

OP you have no right to dictate who goes to a soft play. Unless you have hired the place which seems highly unlikely given the fact that you're on a tight budget. Sorry but YABU

StrictlyMumDancing · 02/12/2015 16:34

I often ask if I'm ok to bring the other DC because childcare is not an option sometimes. Other times its about organising travel so one DC can get there and the other one be looked after.

I'd rather ask than just assume its ok. I expect to be told no, tbh but I'd rather not accept an invite and then have to turn it down later.

When we have parties we don't specifically name siblings but we've always expected to be asked about siblings (will certainly accommodate them if we can, but if not then would also have no qualms about saying 'sorry, I'm afraid theres a number limit).

bluebolt · 02/12/2015 16:40

I have never asked at a soft play party as it is a public place, but then I pay for my child and ensure they do not interfere with party. I have had soft play parties for my DCs and found that sibling had been added to the cost. Felt sorry for one boy as is mum did this one time too many and the boy stopped getting invited by other mums.

TheOriginalMerylStrop · 02/12/2015 16:43

Ok so its a pay per head thing
open to the public? like soft play? then parent can just pay their get in. you won't be charged more if they eat if its one of those places where they just serve up stuff. if you were feeling nice you could knock together a quick homemade goody bag

if its a specific activitiy and you are limited on numbers then you tell the mother that and tell her how much it is to participate - makes it her call - usually you give your name in on arrival so if siblings name is not on list she pays the admission then. ask the venue how they handle it, then you can chill out and enjoy it without feeling like you have to police the poor kid.

But, to be fair I have rarely been to or hosted a party where someone hasn't turned up and it hasn't been over catered, so its probably not going to be an issue.

PrincessMouse · 02/12/2015 17:00

Personally, I'd make it clear in the invitations "We're very sorry but the venue can only accommodate x children so we're not able to invite siblings to stay".

Great idea. Just sent an email something to this effect to the parents of the kids invited to DD party in January.

Only on MN would someone be told not to have parties for their DC unless they accommodate invitees, siblings or wait until a DC can remember it. . Op its your DCs party and you should invite who you like. If the parents can't attend because of childcare issues, that's not your problem. I wouldn't feel any guilt about that. Ultimately you are hosting a party for your DC. You have extended invites to some of the kids. If for whatever reason one of them can't attend (illness, parents childcare issues, or whatever), that's not your problem.

Agree the Op could have written her op less aggressively but I really don't understand why it's Ops problem that other parents struggle with childcare. Not her problem, not her issue and yes there could be some point in the future where her DC can't go because one thing or another. That wouldn't be the parent that invites her DC to a party's problem.

reni2 · 02/12/2015 17:26

Oh, softplay type party, in that case I'd say sorry, it isn't possible. Assuming they cater there, they usually have set places, no buffet and party bags only for the paid for children. So in this case it is not rude to say no. Sibling would have to pay to even enter.

longestlurkerever · 02/12/2015 17:31

In a soft play place, I'd say "I've booked the venue for a specific number but I'm sure you can come along as a member of the public and pay her in. We've ordered a set amount of food but if there are any leftovers or no shows she can join in the tea" doesn't have to be a drama. the "not my problem" attitude is a bit shitty, imo, when the solution is in your hands(and my dd1 was an only throughout this stage). But then my dd1 would be gutted if her friends couldn't make her party, I don't really consider it a public service (unless I'm providing all the childcare at a drop and run. Then it certainly is and any extras would be shown the door! )

cestlavielife · 02/12/2015 17:34

if it is at a soft play and you have not booked thewhole place then you just say "you are welcome to bring the sibling but they have to pay their own entry. " and keep a couple bags of 10p haribo as treats for the siblings and say only guests get party bags but you can have this. .

cestlavielife · 02/12/2015 17:36

Personally, I'd make it clear in the invitations "We're very sorry but the venue can only accommodate x children so we're not able to invite siblings to stay".

then you might get people not turning up and you waste your money as they dont have a relative or childminder for the other child... so you need to check who is coming..
if its public venue you cannot stop a sibling coming and paying their own way. just make it clear they pay themselves.

Oakmaiden · 02/12/2015 17:48

Surprised she even asked if it is at a soft play place, to be honest. I never do. Obviously I expect to pay for the sibling to go in, and would not expect them to be involved in any games/food etc. Although occasionally the host has said "Oh, we have had a child not turn up, would your daughter like to join the others for food?" But there is never that expectation.

Obviously you are quite correct that it would be hideously unreasonable for you to be expected to pay for an uninvited guest.

When I give parties I generally do them in a hall/at home with games and my own catering. I am always happy on these occasions to welcome siblings. They rarely join in the games if they are not "friends" with the party child, but often help demolish the food!

INickedAName · 02/12/2015 17:58

Booked a soft play for dds 7th birthday, similar to OP money was tight so she invited 10 friends from school, ended up with almost double the amount as a some parents had signed their other dc in on the party sheet and not the pay to play, so I ended up paying for an extra seven children, one oarent had brought an extra three dc. I hadn't even realised they'd done this until halfway through when I was called to pay the bill. I assumed they'd paid and signed the extra dc in on the general sheet. Too embarrassed to go ask the parents to pay the £8 per head for the extra dc but also didn't have the extra £56. Had to ring SIL who came and paid the extra. I felt like shit to be honest. Angry that it was assumed I could just pay the extra, and embarrassed that I couldn't afford it.

ShamefulPlaceMarker · 02/12/2015 18:17

If you can't afford to throw a party for your 3
year old why are you bothering? It's mot like they'll remember or expect it!
I started partied when the pressure hit in primary school :/

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 02/12/2015 18:17

This is why we always booked a private party at soft play, that way no extras could turn up as why should the birthday child have their party hijacked by uninvited guests. Some parents feel invites are for the whole family. It's rude.

Jux · 02/12/2015 18:20

Afriend of dh's decided that the invite for his dd to come to my dd's party must obviously include her little sibling. Dd was going to be 4. This sibling was 2 and barely walking. I didn't mind him bringing her. I didn't mind her joining in the games (pass the parcel, musical chairs, etc). What I did mind was this twat carrying her around and running all the races and things and winning. I might not have minded that so much, but he insisted that she get the prizes, so half dd's friends lost out because they couldn't run faster to bag a chair or whatever than a fully grown man.

And we cut and ate the cake during the party, so he demanded more cake to take home (he didn't get it).

ghostspirit · 02/12/2015 18:34

i always ask if its ok to take my 8 year old when my 5 year old gos to a party. i have never been told no yet. but if i was then the 5 year old cant go. some times the 8 year old joins in the games. but it depends what sort of party it is. does not happen the other way though hes older and can be left at a party.

i do think people need to be a little flexable in general where its possible.

longestlurkerever · 02/12/2015 18:38

Ok some of these extra guests stories are shit, I admit. Some people are shit and need calling on their behaviour. I still don't think it's unreasonable to ask politely if a sibling can come if you're prepared to pay and keep a low profile

longestlurkerever · 02/12/2015 18:42

Nickedaname I think I'd have told the venue that the extras were nothing to do with me and pointed them in the direction of the offending parents to retrieve their money publically.

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