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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To go out for lunch with this woman my friend hates?

90 replies

Champers44 · 01/12/2015 19:03

We are three best friends.

Friend A, friend B and myself.

Add into the mix a third woman, let's call her "Chanel".

Myself and friend B are very chilled. Friend A can be quite prickly.

Chanel has a very close relationship with Friend B. Chanel has done a lot to help friend B out in her life - even looking after her DC when she had no money for childcare. But Chanel did something not nice at all to Friend A, so Friend A hates her.

I have always stayed like Switzerland on the issue.

However, I moved overseas, so no longer live near frind A or friend B (bit lonely!) and Chanel sent me a message to invite me for lunch.

I have agreed to go, and Friend A is now not speaking to me since I told her I was ging.

Friend B is still very close with Chanel, but apparently I am not allowed to have lunch with her so seems a double standard.

We are 40 by the way, although I know this sounds like it would happen to 12 year olds.

I honestly can't imagine a situation where I would even care about any of my friends having lunch with anyone given all the real problems to deal with in the world, so I have just left her to it - but I do feel some guilt also because I know Chanel hurt friend A very much.

AIBU to think friend A is being childish here? Or am I actually disloyal for having lunch with her?

OP posts:

Original poster

Champers44 · 01/12/2015 19:05

(wasn't clear from post...Chanel is visiting on holiday and wanted to have lunch with me. I just quite fancied a familiar face for lunch! didn;t know it would be such a biggie)

OP posts:

TattyDevine · 01/12/2015 19:05

Friend A is being childish. If Chanel is that much of a dangerous bitch you will find out for yourself eventually!

AmIAmntI · 01/12/2015 19:06

Depends on what she did really. Slept with her husband type thing then no I'd expect my friends loyalty to be on my side.

Didn't invite her to a party I'd suggest she such it up.

AmIAmntI · 01/12/2015 19:06

Suck

CwtchMeQuick · 01/12/2015 19:08

YANBU

Tell friend A you don't have to dislike the same people.
I don't think its disloyal at all and it'll be nice for you to see a familiar face

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/12/2015 19:10

Depends what she did to friend A and if it makes her a danger to you. Friend B obviously thinks C is OK.

Friend A sounds like the one most likely to be at fault.

AtSea1979 · 01/12/2015 19:11

So you live in a different country to A and B but same country as Chanel? We obviously you are going to be closer to Chanel and its up to A how she chooses to deal with it, not you.

AtSea1979 · 01/12/2015 19:13

If you were friends with Chanel before she did the bad thing then presumably you didn't think it was so bad you cut her off at the time.

Dornan · 01/12/2015 19:13

You are a grown up - you can eat lunch with whomever you like.

QueenofallIsee · 01/12/2015 19:13

Completely depends on what Chanel did. I am assuming that Friend B said from the off 'I am out of it' and the Friend A accepted that feeling that at least she had you. Maybe Chanel being close to BOTH her BFFs has made her feel as though she is not important. No one has the right to tell you how you can socialize with or like. My friends would not ask that of me...that said, I wouldn't want to lunch with someone who was vile to a friend. What did she do?

Houseworkavoider · 01/12/2015 19:14

Hmmmm..
I know it's not very mature of me but, if someone had behaved really badly towards me I would expect my close friends to dislike them as much as I would.
Loyalty is important to me.
It confuses the issue that B is friends with her. I suppose it really depends on what the falling out was.
I would ask myself if I was friend A, how would l feel?

Oakmaiden · 01/12/2015 19:15

What did Chanel do???

Original poster

Champers44 · 01/12/2015 19:20

I'm not and never have been close to Chanel.

Friend A and Friend B both were.

Friend B is extremely close still to Chanel.

Chanel was ill and Friend A looked after her (cancer) and drove her to chemo and whatever. Then Chanel's house was burgled with Friend A's laptop in it, and essentially what happenned as that Chanel was never given back the insurance money for the lost laptop. Which is quite nasty after someone nursed you through cancer.

But as Chanel was really only ever an aquantance, I never got involved.

Chanel, on the other hand, has helped Friend B out a lot. Gave her a place to live, looked after her DC when she was a struggling single Mum, loaned her money...all sorts.

So chanel has been both bad and good to my friends.

From my perspective it was always a catch up and nothing more! I just fancied a lunch out! Not got any of my girly friends anywhere near me anymore and it sounded nice.

Friend A does have a history of cutting people off. She cut off friend D for cancelling plans once :( ut she is a very good person...just quite hard with things like this.

OP posts:

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 01/12/2015 19:20

Another two aspects for me, if Chanel is genuinely nice and made a mistake which resulted in A being hurt then I'd still be friendly towards C.
However if Chanel is nasty and is using you to annoy A further then I wouldn't see her. If she's a nice person and you'd enjoy her company then meet up with her.
A isn't really in a position to tell someone in another country what to do or who to see- best friend or no.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 01/12/2015 19:24

Sorry x post.
Did C receive the insurance money and just didn't pay for a replacement for A? That is pretty shit.
But it's not 'stealing the husband' territory, for me. She's been good to B.
I think I'd see her. A needs to move on, and can't police all her friend's relationships.

Original poster

Champers44 · 01/12/2015 19:26

I think Chanel was nasty to friend A but wonderful to Friend B, so in terms of loyalty I don't know where that leaves me,

I don't think she'd be trying to annoy Friend A. She probably just fancied lunch too.

I will say Friend A along the years has been a lot less loyal to me than friend B has. she didn't come to my engagement party and went somewhere else instead that weekend with people she'd just met.

I have always just left her to it because she has a lot of fantastic qualities, but I don't really like this playground nonsense.

On the other hand I think she was genuinely hurt.

Gaaah. Wish I;d said no to bloody lunch and never mentioned it. She's been not speaking to me for two weeks over this!

OP posts:

Original poster

Champers44 · 01/12/2015 19:27

Did C receive the insurance money and just didn't pay for a replacement for A? That is pretty shit.

I have no idea...I barely know chanel. Only hear Friend A's side of the story.

To say also...Chanel is an older woman of 70. Much older than us.

Not a husband stealer

OP posts:

ShutYerCakeHole · 01/12/2015 19:27

Yeah, I think it would be disloyal, sorry.
You're best friends, you know what Chanel did and in your own words it was not nice at all, and hurt her very much.

Hard situation for you because it would be nice to see her, of course, but you said you're feeling guilty, and I would too.
Can you really not imagine the situation in reverse? (genuine question) - someone has hurt you very much, and one of your best friends is hanging out with them.

It may seem like double standards, but if C has done lots for B in the past then - although A might not like it - perhaps she feels there is more connection/obligation/whatever there.

M48294Y · 01/12/2015 19:28

Yes, it completely sounds like you are 12 year olds.

M48294Y · 01/12/2015 19:30

Why don't you use it as an opportunity to mention Friend A's laptop?

whois · 01/12/2015 19:32

I'd go for lunch, and tell friend A you're lonely and fancied seeing someone you know.

You've only got friend A side of the story. Maybe he insurance wouldn't pay out because friend A didn't have receipts or something.

LongHardStare · 01/12/2015 19:32

You haven't really said how A and B get on and whether A was cross with B for maintaing their friendship...

If you're in another country could you just not mention again to A anything about Chanel? See her or not as you wish

Original poster

Champers44 · 01/12/2015 19:32

I can see her side a little. But it's hard for me as I'm not really so bothered about stuff as she is.

Even if I cancel the lunch now she still won't talk to me!

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/12/2015 19:33

I'd totally get Chanel's version of the laptop story. I bet it isn't as clear as friend A makes out.

TendonQueen · 01/12/2015 19:33

This is beside the point now but why did you mention it to A? I would just have kept quiet.

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