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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To go out for lunch with this woman my friend hates?

90 replies

Champers44 · 01/12/2015 19:03

We are three best friends.

Friend A, friend B and myself.

Add into the mix a third woman, let's call her "Chanel".

Myself and friend B are very chilled. Friend A can be quite prickly.

Chanel has a very close relationship with Friend B. Chanel has done a lot to help friend B out in her life - even looking after her DC when she had no money for childcare. But Chanel did something not nice at all to Friend A, so Friend A hates her.

I have always stayed like Switzerland on the issue.

However, I moved overseas, so no longer live near frind A or friend B (bit lonely!) and Chanel sent me a message to invite me for lunch.

I have agreed to go, and Friend A is now not speaking to me since I told her I was ging.

Friend B is still very close with Chanel, but apparently I am not allowed to have lunch with her so seems a double standard.

We are 40 by the way, although I know this sounds like it would happen to 12 year olds.

I honestly can't imagine a situation where I would even care about any of my friends having lunch with anyone given all the real problems to deal with in the world, so I have just left her to it - but I do feel some guilt also because I know Chanel hurt friend A very much.

AIBU to think friend A is being childish here? Or am I actually disloyal for having lunch with her?

OP posts:

ShutYerCakeHole · 01/12/2015 19:34

Sorry took about an hour to load that post so mega x-post - but after your updates I think YWBU to do lunch. She did a crappy, sneaky thing to someone who must've given her so much time and emotion!

Original poster

Champers44 · 01/12/2015 19:35

A and B get on fine, A knows B is very close to Chanel and has never mentioned it.

OP posts:

fruitpastille · 01/12/2015 19:36

I am also the same age with a similar kind of issue! I went for the lunch with the person who had been rude to my good friend. The difference is that my good 'friend A' was fine about it as she realises that the fall out was nothing to do with me. Friend A is not unreasonable to feel a bit hurt, but not speaking for two weeks is totally ridiculous. Plus you don't even know the situation for sure.

YellowTulips · 01/12/2015 19:40

Friend A's laptop should have been covered by her insurance not Chanel's even though it was stolen from her house.

I'd go for lunch with Chanel if only because people who try and bully me into any action quite simply have the effect of medoing the reverse out of principle.

Friend A should LET IT GO (a la Frozen) and get a grip and stop pushing friends around.

Original poster

Champers44 · 01/12/2015 19:40

I mentioned it to A because she would have found out from Facebook or somewhere else from someone else as the gossip vine is ripe.

A also has a history of cutting people off, and she never gives much detail about why. She is best friends with people overnight, and then all of a sudden hates them, unfriends them on facebook, and when I ask why she gives a small amount of detail about it.

I honestly don't know the full story. As I said, I got a message from another friend who said that she had cancelled plans for a night out and got unfriended on facebook for it and a shitty text message - and this happenned this week - so maybe she is feeling delicate or otherwise not herself as that seems very OTT.

I would say she's not always been the most loyal to me. I mean, I will always show up for her parties and special events but she is always busy for mine. She is a good friend in a lot of ways and deep down a wonderful and very emotional person but she is also quite hard to please.

If I cancel the lunch - what do I do? if I send her a message saying I canclled she will only get angrier "I told you it's your life, I don;t give a fuck who you have lunch with" will be the response.

OP posts:

Werksallhourz · 01/12/2015 19:41

I am a bit confused here. If I left my laptop at a friend's house and that friend got burgled, how would my laptop be necessarily covered by her insurance? It would all depend on the kind of contents insurance she had, surely?

Unless I knew she definitely received insurance money for my laptop, I'd just slate it up as one of those things in life.

Original poster

Champers44 · 01/12/2015 19:43

I honestly don't know if she ever got the money back or not, she might have. I think the general vibe of the situation was that Friend A felt she had done so much for Chanel and Chanel was not grateful enough.

As this situation shows, it's amazingly easy to get cut off by friend A so it might well have not been that bad.

OP posts:

YellowTulips · 01/12/2015 19:45

If that's the response you'd get for cancelling then why all the angst?

She sounds like a brat to me.

I'm liking Chanel more and more if she's managed to extricate BrattyA from her friendship circle.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 01/12/2015 19:50

A sounds more trouble than she's worth.

it can be painful if you get shat on and you might not like that person any more. But to say that your friends can't speak to them either or you'll cut them off is a bit too much like blackmail to me.

A's kind of tainted your friendship here, maybe. Even if you get over this, you'll know that she's only an accidental slight away from never talking to you again.

btw, i get wanting to see a friendly face when you're abroad even if you weren't previously that close. It can be lovely to see a face from home.

BastardGoDarkly · 01/12/2015 19:50

Go to lunch with channel.

Bollocks to A and her ishoos, she's determined to strop anyway!

As a friend, I'd be glad you had some company from home, and not be bothered that I didn't actually like that person much, what does it matter?

ChippyOik · 01/12/2015 19:51

IT DOES depend what it was. I've been left a bit over the years when a friend seemed to go out of her wayto help and socialise with a woman who had excluded me, patronised me, made digs at me, interrupted me. She was trying to prove she was neutral but it made me relegate her tbh. If they had been friends to begin with I'd see that it was a difficult line to tread but in the circumstances, I thought well either she doesn't believe me, or she doesn't care.

zombiesarecoming · 01/12/2015 19:52

Tell friend A to go and do one as she sounds like hard work anyway and enjoy your lunch

Dornan · 01/12/2015 19:54

Don't cancel lunch. The matter of the laptop is completely private between A and Chanel. It's nothing whatsoever to do with you. Have lunch, ignore A ( Who should have claimed on her own insurance).

Helloitsme15 · 01/12/2015 19:54

If you are close friends then loyalty matters. That's how you know people will stick by you. Without loyalty you are just acquaintances. I can have a good laugh with anyone - but its loyalty that makes a real friend.

SarahSavesTheDay · 01/12/2015 19:55

The laptop story is not great on the face of it, but (as others have said) I bet there's more to to it. Really not a deal-breaker for third-party bystanders.

Original poster

Champers44 · 01/12/2015 19:56

Even if you get over this, you'll know that she's only an accidental slight away from never talking to you again

that' it. I do feel like that even before this.

If friend B was upset about something, first of all I'd know it was serious, because she doesn't get easily upset; and second of all I know she'd just tell me "hey it hurts me if you do that" and we'd chat and sort it.

Friend A is, and always has been, bloody hard work. I love her, but I hate having to feel like I am one wrong step from being stonewalled all the time!

OP posts:

SilverOldie2 · 01/12/2015 19:56

Sounds like too much like hard work to me, dump them both and find some new, grown up friends.

KeepOnMoving1 · 01/12/2015 19:56

A seems to be quite a problem with a few friends isn't she? Also having petty grudges with a 70yo, shame on her. I would just stay out of it.

Senpai · 01/12/2015 20:01

I am a friend A in some situations where other friends hang out with Chanel. I am also an adult and don't police their personal lives and even make sure I'm cordial if we're in a group.

If friend A isn't speaking to you over an imagined slight, she's not a good friend in the first place. This just brought out her true colors.

When friend A wants to be a goddamn adult, she will talk to you again and you can tell her how this is unacceptable behavior. You have a right to not be treated like this too. If she has a problem she needs to talk to you.

Original poster

Champers44 · 01/12/2015 20:04

I think that's probably good advice.

I can understand her being upset yes, but am not willing to be "cut off". Friends talk to friends and sort things out. this behavior does my head in completely

OP posts:

Dadeeeee · 01/12/2015 20:05

A bit of a storm in a teacup . . . home insurance does not normally cover OPs property, A should have had it covered on her own policy with 'out of home' cover. My two'penneth, A is being unreasonable and controlling and, possibly, misrepresenting in the matter of the laptop! (Cor, it's like the moral maze!)

Husbanddoestheironing · 01/12/2015 20:07

I think I might be tempted to just find some new friends...

Original poster

Champers44 · 01/12/2015 20:10

Sorry guys...I am in the UK...this is not "home" for us, so A,B and Chanel don't live here and the country laptop-gate happenned in was not here. Not sure if the insurance thing is the same.

I think the story was more complex, but as A sotnewalls and does not give much information it was hard to deduce. I think 50% of the point was she wanted Chanel to buy her a new laptop right away as she needed it for work, and Chanel is wealthy, and Chanel was waiting for the insurance to come in.

Also, Chanel was just recovering from cancer, so her family members were dealing with it all and I think one insuiated that Chanel had not actually had her laptp there and was faking it for the insurance.

Was all very petty and silly, but I think A just felt she had done so much for Chanel and got no gratitude.

OP posts:

GruntledOne · 01/12/2015 20:17

Can you tell friend A that you're meeting Chanel in part with a view to getting her to see how she hurt A? In fact, might it be worth trying to use the chance to mend bridges anyway?

tormentil · 01/12/2015 20:20

I'm with friend A and would feel that you are being disloyal. I would probably decide that you didn't fall into the category of 'friend' any more and ease myself away.

I think, in these situations if there is a fallout among a group of people, it's easier to accept the continual presence of someone who has been hurtful if there are pre-existing relationships.

You don't have a pre-existing relationship with Chanel. This probably makes you feel 'safer' to Friend A. In meeting her, you mess that up.

Recently I've had something similar in that someone with whom I have had a long friendship has recently come to live close to me. It's a small community and there are a number of people who I keep at a distance. My friend is busy making friends with people who I would rather not have in my life because of a hurtful history. She doesn't know, because I didn't tell her, but it's really upsetting me. She is, I know, neutral. But it's still upsetting me and I have seriously thought about stepping away from the friendship. In a way it's 'if you're not on my side, you're not my friend'.

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