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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go out for lunch with this woman my friend hates?

90 replies

Champers44 · 01/12/2015 19:03

We are three best friends.

Friend A, friend B and myself.

Add into the mix a third woman, let's call her "Chanel".

Myself and friend B are very chilled. Friend A can be quite prickly.

Chanel has a very close relationship with Friend B. Chanel has done a lot to help friend B out in her life - even looking after her DC when she had no money for childcare. But Chanel did something not nice at all to Friend A, so Friend A hates her.

I have always stayed like Switzerland on the issue.

However, I moved overseas, so no longer live near frind A or friend B (bit lonely!) and Chanel sent me a message to invite me for lunch.

I have agreed to go, and Friend A is now not speaking to me since I told her I was ging.

Friend B is still very close with Chanel, but apparently I am not allowed to have lunch with her so seems a double standard.

We are 40 by the way, although I know this sounds like it would happen to 12 year olds.

I honestly can't imagine a situation where I would even care about any of my friends having lunch with anyone given all the real problems to deal with in the world, so I have just left her to it - but I do feel some guilt also because I know Chanel hurt friend A very much.

AIBU to think friend A is being childish here? Or am I actually disloyal for having lunch with her?

OP posts:
Original poster
Champers44 · 01/12/2015 20:22

for anyone else, yes, A would just shout at me.

She doesn't reason, or discuss things, or negotiate or see grey areas. She won't show her feelings, very proud, very closed off and if I raised this she would just get very nasty.

To be fair that is probably why she falls out with everyone as she won't give people a chance to sort it out with her. In fairness to Chanel, who I don't know well enough to judge, she had just had a life and death battle with cancer and probably didn't have the energy.

Again, in fairness, A had a really bad history of betrayal and she came out of it like this. She is a genuinely good person and woman, but has a paranoia and persecution thing where if someone puts a foot wrong she guts them out.

I just feel like that's fine - but why force me to join in?

My own view of the world is diferrent. I get on with everyone. Even people who hurt me stay as aquantances because I am easygoing. I don't want to be forced to have enemies that are not my own.

OP posts:
Homebird8 · 01/12/2015 20:22

Friend A cuts people off regularly, but you didn't think that was a way to act when she didn't attend your engagement party, preferring to go out with new friends instead. Who is the more balanced?

Friend A can deal with Friend B being friends with Chanel but can't deal with you having a one off lunch with her. Who has twisted reasoning?

You only have one side of the insurance story. It sounds as though Chanel is generous in her attitude (helping Friend B) so something doesn't hang together quite there.

I think you have to imagine what you would do in the future if Friend A was, for some reason, not in the picture. If Chanel invited you to catch up then, what would you do.

This decision should be about your relationship with Chanel. Others must make their decisions for themselves.

MistressoftheYoniverse · 01/12/2015 20:25

A Sounds like a controlling person Hmm...can't stand people who try to manipulate/ boss me around..I tend to back away slowly... I'm sure as you say A has her good points but forgiveness does not seem to be one of them..facts are your'e damned if you do and your'e damned if you don't so why miss out on a good lunch!..plus I would definitely ask about the laptop situation because I am by nature a nosy cow Grin

ForCh1na · 01/12/2015 20:26

A sounds awful. B and Chanel sound nice.

Tbh if A cuts you off for this then she wasn't worth having as a friend.

Original poster
Champers44 · 01/12/2015 20:26

Homebird: I am honestly a bit lonely. Was actually going to see the GP aout maybe being depressed. Someone I know acually meeting me for lunch was somethign to look forward to - but A won't listen or discuss it or see my view and if I push it she will only be nasty.

I do feel like life is not black and white. It would be diferrent if we all lived on the same street and I was going out of my way to be friends with someone but another to just have lunch with a friendly face.

The whole things feels to me like she's being childish, selfish and dysfunctional

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 01/12/2015 20:29

def go for lunch with chanel. it's just a lunch ffs and your friends shouldn't get to dictate who you're allowed to have lunch with.

friend a is brittle and sooner or later you're bound to commit one of the evil crimes on her list. i wouldn't be too fussed about that.

i think you've got the right attitude - don't get too involved, and appreciate your friends' good qualities.

MistressoftheYoniverse · 01/12/2015 20:32

Champers I think this lunch would do a world of good and A seems to be creating a stress in your life that you don't need she sounds like a pita...you sound very much like me easy going and not one for the unnecessary... so what are you having for lunch then?Grin

Original poster
Champers44 · 01/12/2015 20:36

I think that's it, it's just really stressed me out.

Have invited A lots of times to visit, she's always busy but has been away quite a few times this year with other people.

Starting to wonder why I even bother and it's got me upset and feeling like a bad friend and I'm really not- just life has so many real problems I don't get why people have to hold grudges

OP posts:
IAmNotAWitch · 01/12/2015 20:37

God some people are complicated.

Keeping up with all of that must be exhausting.

I don't have that kind of attention span.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 01/12/2015 20:37

Champers44 if you are in London and lonely (or even if you're not) come along to the next meet up. There are plans afoot for a dim sum lunch sometime in January.

Love your NN by the way.

I have a question. Why does Chanel get a cool pseudonym but A and B are only A and B? Why not (say) Armani and Balenciaga Grin Grin

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 01/12/2015 20:39

And I agree with others, Armani is just too high maintenance. Honestly life is just too short.

Original poster
Champers44 · 01/12/2015 20:45

I am in London! There are meetups? Didn't know about those. I was looking on meetic and stuff to try and get stuff done. I do have family here, but as I never lived here all none of my proper girly mates and here and I work at home and can get just SO isolated at times. A lot going on in my life (boyfriend cheated and work is shit) and getting asked out for lunch got me all excited. Sounds pretty sad!!!!

lol @ Armani and Baleciaga!

This is why 85% of my friends are men. Miss B is like a man! bit like me. I get upset and pissed off but not about stuff that isn't directly impacting my life.

OP posts:
flanjabelle · 01/12/2015 20:47

At some point Armani will work out that she is the problem. unfortunately it will take her losing all her friends. You are not the problem, she is. Grown ups don't act like this. You acknowledge your that your friends have the right to socialise with anyone (within reason) and should be secure enough to not let it affect your friendship.

MistressoftheYoniverse · 01/12/2015 20:56

I'm just too lazy to hold a grudge... grudge-holding is hard work..I just stay away Grin

SuperFlyHigh · 01/12/2015 21:00

A sounds like really hard work, despite her previous issues with betrayals...

I can't deal with people who refuse to communicate, reason, discuss, see other side, close off emotions etc...

In fact I had a last close friend of mine who would never tell me exactly why we'd fallen out if we had done (so I was left doing guesswork), and she believed another friend's story over mine.... Even though I'd told my side of the story. She believed him because it suited her. She also refused to meet me to tell me something important because she knew I'd get angry and emailed me it instead!

Your friend A sounds a bit like my close friend above and really they're hard work. I'd ditch friend A for good.

LobsterQuadrille · 01/12/2015 21:01

Heavens! Definitely meet Chanel for lunch. With A's track record, it sounds as if she may stonewall you for some minor misdemeanour in the future, and if you don't go, you'll be in the same position but will have missed out on lunch. You're lonely - you feel down - you could always ask Chanel for her side of the laptop story (as someone else suggested). I fail to see how anyone can claim on their own insurance for a valuable (?) item that hasn't been listed on their contents insurance - I know you said it's a different country but I have worked abroad in different continents and it's been the same there.

Hope you go and have a great lunch.

Original poster
Champers44 · 01/12/2015 21:01

Yes, me too. I get upset and angry then forget about it.

Have been in a similar situation. There one person I do honestly truly despise who was part of my "teenage" friends group and he did do something to me that was on par with stealing my husband, or worse. But all my other friends are for the most part still friends with him. A few cut him off along with me because they were apalled, but I didnt judge or feel angry at the friends who didn't.

I have just said "if you see him, I don't need to know about it"

OP posts:
hollieberrie · 01/12/2015 21:05

I'm with Friend A too. I'd feel hurt and betrayed. I understand her reaction - if there's no loyalty there then its not really a friendship, i'd feel the same. Sorry. I think some people (like me and Friend A) are just very black and white about these things. Not saying its right, but I would genuinely feel that way too. Even if i tried to pretend it didnt, it would still upset me.

Original poster
Champers44 · 01/12/2015 21:07

To add insult to inury, and I am almost laughing at I type this...friend D...the one who was just cut off for cancelling a night out - sent me a message to say she fancied a weekend in London before Christmas and wanted to visit me.

Friend D is a good friend of mine and I am SO excited about the visit, but A has cut her off, so now I will definitely be in the doghouse for having this weekend plan in place now.

Bloody people.

Being honest, if she'd just texted back when I told her about the lunch and said it hurt her feelings that I would have lunch with someone who hurt her, I'd have apologised and not gone.

The fact that she messaged me back, "Enjoy! It's your life! you don't have to explain things to me you are an adult" just backed me into a corner where even if I didn't go she wasn't going to speak to me anyway. So what diferrence does it make!!

Can't win

OP posts:
CheesyNachos · 01/12/2015 21:11

I used to have a friend like A. She cut me out for having lunch with someone she had fallen out with several years previously. It was quite liberating as I had been walking on eggshells around her and trying to work out in advance what would or would not cause her to stonewall me. When it finally happened I was relieved.

friend A.... and only A is the problem.

Strokethefurrywall · 01/12/2015 21:24

Friend A is an utter knob. Unfriend, go out and have lunch with Chanel - why the hell should you let anyone dictate who you have lunch with? This is your life!! Not knobhead friend. She's not your bloody mother!
God people like this are such hard work. Tell her to do one.

Pedestriana · 01/12/2015 21:40

Friend A sounds like a lot of hard work. If she doesn't want to spend time with Chanel, that's up to her, but she can't dictate to you who you see and who you don't.
Given that she's got the arse anyway about it, you might as well have lunch with Chanel and make your own mind up about her.

ChilliAndBint · 01/12/2015 22:05

You are free to choose who you are friends with. I detest people who drive a wedge between people.

I have a few friends who dislike one another; that's their business and not mine,

I'm sure you'll find out in you're own good time if " Chanel" is a good egg or not.

I have met a few toxic people and once warned a friend about a mutual acquaintance. She became very defensive but in time saw her in her true colours.

Just go with the flow; enjoy lunch and catch up and take it from there.

It really isn't anyone else's business who you befriend,

Original poster
Champers44 · 01/12/2015 22:09

Thanks everyone. I might as well go, in the doghouse anyway and will just leave her to it. She will probably talk to me again in a few months. I'd try and talk it out, but she will just get more angry so best leave her!

OP posts:
Homebird8 · 02/12/2015 01:49

That sounds like a plan Champers. You are lonely and concerned enough about your mood to think of seeing the doctor. You have friends who want to see you when they can Friend B, Chanel and Friend D. You have another person A who would cause you more loneliness by disapproving of your contact with friends C and D and doesn't make time for you herself.

You are obviously lovely and people want to be friends with you. Let A continue to be 12 and have some lovely times with B, C and D. Hope you find the rest of the alphabet too and kick the loneliness into far space.