To ask how many of you would rather not do 'token' presents for relatives?

[Bearbehind]

I'm a bit preoccupied with Christmas shopping at the moment and have seen several threads on here and had a couple of conversations IRL where people are stressing about finding a 'token' gift for relatives.

In some instances, there's about 8 - 10 people to buy for which adds up, even for a small gift. It's very difficult to buy something worth having for even £10.

Personally I think this means you end up buying about £80- £100 of not so great stuff and receiving the same in return.

I know it can be a difficult conversation but if the Christmas Fairy could magic away that awkward bit, how many of you would prefer to stop buying for adult relatives altogether rather than continuing the token gift route or just do a 1 gift a Secret Santa?

Oh thank goodness there are many who feel the same about presents . They are the thing that really spoil Christmas for me. I dread the sorry ritual of the opening at PIL's house when we all have to sit around and watch people opening their tat presents.

From about the age of 10 children seem to prefer to have money so they can download their own games/music/books.

We all have too much stuff these days and if it were possible, I would have a reverse gift giving when people come round and take things away.

I'm another paperweight in bed reader. My DM bought me a book last Christmas and I havent read it yet. the only paper books I want are cook books and travel guides but I have loads of those so anyone buying those would have to take note of what I already have.

I'm not surprised that charity shops can't sell books. Any time I've looked they're asking for more than the likes of discount book shops or the book people etc or kindle deals want for new books and you have to trawl round to find what you want.

I keep my wanted book list on ereaderiq which tells me when they are cheap on Amazon. I have a virtual stack of books to read that will take years to get through. I would never want to trail round charity shops in the hope of finding what I want and then pay the 2 or 3 pounds that they are asking often for books that were not much more in the supermarket when new.

I'm another one who wants and needs nothing and when I do I would prefer to choose it myself.

And it's such a tricky subject to bring up. I was genuinely surprised by the strength of feeling my sister had for buying presents at Christmas. The stuff she sent us was crap too - and I can't buy crap for people, so I torture myself trying to find something to delight....and when that involves buying for 20 dcs there is no pleasure.

I think there are certain books that have to be bought. Ian Rankin normally publishes a novel in November which I then buy for my dad's birthday in December. Over Christmas me, my brother and sister probably read it too. It's a bit of a family joke. We all read on kindles the rest of the time, but actually if we all bought that on kindle on publication it would be £40 across us all so is also cost effective!

We used to buy FIL every new Terry Pratchett on publication. It was sad when they kept coming out after FIL died and every time I had a reflex to buy it and no one to read it. Sadder now there will be no more of course.

I think buying books like that is like going to the cinema to see the new Bond or Star Wars. Yes, you could wait til it was on sky or dvd or whatever but you want it when it's fresh and new and it's worth the premium.

I would have a reverse gift giving when people come round and take things away

It's called listing freebies on gumtree and freecycle. I do that often. It's too much hassle to take to the tip. The charity bags through the letter box are so picky nowadays. All they seem to want are clothes, jewellery, accessories and toys.

You can keep the cost of token gifts to whatever you want. I've got boxes of M&S biscuits, some toiletry sets and a bottle of wine for friends and people I'm really fond of. I'm sure will get eaten or used as I've chosen products/things I know they'll like. I spend what I can afford and am happy with. People tend to give me chocolates, wine, candle, fun socks, toiletries, maybe I'm different but I'm really grateful as they're all things I can use, and I appreciate people taking the time to get something for me.

I usually get nice things for my mum, siblings and dp. This year me and dp have said we won't get each other anything and will maybe buy a treat together in the new year. I've got things for my mum and sibs but would rather they didn't get me something. I know they will though.

Dp's parents and siblings do the token gift thing. Me and dp want to stop as we don't want or need any of that stuff and it just seems so wasteful.

I have a huge family plus my own DH and kids and despite my best efforts to stop buying for siblings none of them will have it. It's tokens or nothing, and as I'm quite creative it's handmade gifts this year (which are actually useful). I am quite enjoying making for them all this year, way better than a box of choccies and I know they'll appreciate the effort. I started a few weeks ago as I don't get tons of time to do it.

I think it's all very well if you have a family and dc who buy you nice things. But if you're that aunt on your own, actually those small token things mean something.

I buy or make a small gift for anyone that I spend Christmas day with. Last year that was 4 adults and 2 children. This year I will be with 34 adults and 5 children.

We all exchange gifts and there usually isn't too much tat. People make jam or chutney or pice a book from a charity shop. Luckily I come from a family that doesn't regard books as tat.

My DF and step mother stopped buying gifts for anyone except children a few years ago. We all respect this and don't buy them gifts but my siblings, grandparents and I all still buy for each other.

I enjoy picking up little things through the year that I hope my family will like. This year I have got pretty ceramic measuring spoons for the keen cooks, coffee scoops with a bag clip for the coffee addicts, fold away shopping bags for my aunts, potted bulbs for my older relatives and fancy tea towels for those who have everything

Nothing cost more than £4 and I'm fairly confident that everything will be well received.

I want to give people I like a gift at Christmas if I can afford to.

People make jam or chutney

I am sure that your family will like them but to me these would be an unwanted gift. Worst thing about homemade food is that you can't even give it away as charities don't accept it.

Any gift where you get the same thing for more than one person is a tat gift to me. People are not generic

I do small presents for a number of cousins, their children and grandchildren. I would never buy a generic "token" we all have a lot of fun chosing things that we know the recipient will like. This year I have bought seeds for a keen gardener, a whole load of expensive hair products for a newly blonde 16 year old, some cinema ticket tokens for one family etc. If you know them well enough to get a present for you don't have to opt for something dull.

ceramic measuring spoons for the keen cooks

coffee scoops with a bag clip for the coffee addicts

fold away shopping bags for my aunts

No, people are not generic but I know that 3 of my relatives love coffee so a bag of beans from Monmouth coffee and a scoop will go down well with all of them.

I know my family quite well so I know what things they have and what they might use and enjoy. It's not quite the same as handing out a load of toiletries.

I know from reading on here that some people regard homemade produce with horror but I'm always grateful for it.

You don't have to be sorry Barbara unless you are a family member of mine

febreeze - our local Food bank is inundated with home made jams and chutneys after Christmas .

But does the food bank accept home made produce?

They don't accept short dated/out of date canned produce despite dates being totally pointless and arbitary so I can't see them accepting something where they can't be sure of the ingredients and production methods.

But if you're that aunt on your own, actually those small token things mean something.

I suspect the aunt on her own is the very person would love to stop the reciprocal tat giving.

She has to find something for all the nieces/ nephews etc to give in return for a tea towel or the like from them.

I Don't think anyone who is in favour of continuing token gift giving has addressed the issue of the volume of gifts which is the reason I don't agree with it.

In the, albeit extreme example above, a pp will potentially be bringing home nearly 40 'things' she never knew she wanted- I can't see how that's anything other than waste.

All the 'pro' token gift givers have talked about how they'd pick a book/ cd/ piece of jewellery for a particular person as they know what they'd like but what if all of the other people in the token gift circle think the same or similar and do the same every year?

There's bound to be duplication and waste within that.

I agree OP that the sheer number of gifts some people give over Christmas is pretty shocking and seemingly wasteful.

However, it's the excessive amounts given to children that surprises me more than a few secondhand books and some jars of jam.

Gift giving doesn't have to be a wasteful act of blind consumerism.

I think the problem with all this tat giving is that there are those who love doing this sort of shit and they are imposing it on those who don't and when you express your desire to stop the tat giving, the tat givers are ruining Christmas - shopping for tat sucks the joy out of the occasion!

I think the point about the volume of gifts children get is quite different.

Most people on here have said that if they buy for children they stop when they are adults, so there's an end point- the adult token gift giving is eternal!

also, children's gifts are generally more useful, ie you are not likely to re gift a tea towel or jar of chutney but could quite easily re gift and unwanted/ duplicated children's gift for a friend's birthday etc.

Plus, I think it's generally easier to know / guess what a child will already have as most gifts are determined by age- you wouldn't buy a child the same gift this year as you did 3 years ago but it's very likely you might do that with Aunt Enid's bath salts.

I don't see that we can generalise about what aunts on their own want. Presumably some of them love the whole thing and some of them hate it, just the same as any other demographic group within the population. You can't just presume that because someone is single they'll be thrilled about a dozen token gifts.

Exactly Fanny, everyone is different and families are different.

Most of the crap that gets given to children, the shitting dog game comes to mind, is hardly going to last out the year. I see it again and again how many people complain about all the unused toys their children have.

Also there seems to be an assumption that giving a gift means getting a gift. I give because I want to and I don't expect anything in return. We're all functioning adults who can communicate with each other. I'm glad there isn't any angst over gift giving in my family.

It's all a matter of perspective I guess.

I think you can still do a token present that the recipient will like.

This year OH and his siblings agreed to do token presents (thank goodness ) and we asked them for ideas for presents around £10. They've asked for stuff like a particular book, a Christmas jumper, thermals etc.

Each year it becomes harder to come up with presents for parents and dh's grandmother.

So hard that often the only gifts I can come up with are usually more expensive even than token ones and more than I want to spend. Meanwhile, Dh and I haven't given each other a Christmas present for nearly 18 years.

I bit the billet and tried to suggest not doing it this year but none of them seemed to grasp what I was getting at at all. Thankfully my dad seemed to understand where I was coming from but my mum sounded unconvinced.

I went with the approach of please let's just concentrate on the children, I'm aware how it all mounts up, please don't buy for me or Dh (and that was supposed to be their cue to say the same). As I say, my parents seemed to get it finally...and they freely admit there's nothing they want or need anyway. But I felt mean because my mum sounded a bit crestfallen .

But when I got Dh to say the same to inlaws, they didn't seem to get it at all and completely dismissed the idea of not getting us a present. They didn't seem to get the cue in there about us not getting something for them either and it was too embarrassing to spell it out.

Also I suspect that would put mil in a tricky spot with bil (who would never suggest this). And if I'm buying for my inlaws, it wouldn't be fair not to for my parents. So I had to go back to mine and explain why we're back on plan A .

The whole thing backfired and I'm back at square one trapped in wondering what the hell to buy and wondering why I am. .