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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how many of you would rather not do 'token' presents for relatives?

158 replies

Bearbehind · 30/11/2015 09:10

I'm a bit preoccupied with Christmas shopping at the moment and have seen several threads on here and had a couple of conversations IRL where people are stressing about finding a 'token' gift for relatives.

In some instances, there's about 8 - 10 people to buy for which adds up, even for a small gift. It's very difficult to buy something worth having for even £10.

Personally I think this means you end up buying about £80- £100 of not so great stuff and receiving the same in return.

I know it can be a difficult conversation but if the Christmas Fairy could magic away that awkward bit, how many of you would prefer to stop buying for adult relatives altogether rather than continuing the token gift route or just do a 1 gift a Secret Santa?

OP posts:
MarkRuffaloCrumble · 30/11/2015 10:02

My DBs and I used to do a £5 gift, but TBH, I ended up putting lots of thought into it a couple of times and getting a fairly generic thing in return, so then I started buying less interesting things or just getting wine etc only to be a receive a 'proper' present and a healthy dose of scorn for not making the effort

Thankfully this year we are not doing gifts for the adults. I will still take some biccies or something tasty for everyone to share when we visit, but I must admit I'm glad not to have to think of 4 interesting, impressive and exciting £5 gifts this year.

ButtonMoon88 · 30/11/2015 10:03

It is a waste, secret Santa is better or we now go round to each other's houses with a dish of something and have a big get together!

Higge · 30/11/2015 10:06

We only bought for nieces and nephews - that was 18 kids! Most of which I have no idea what they like and what they have, half of them live overseas - so postage was almost as much as the gift.
I tried to put an end to it but my dsis got very upset, we ended up with a compromise - a secret santa arrangement and an end to presents at 18.

celtictoast · 30/11/2015 10:13

I enjoy buying token (or more) presents for relatives. I ask them what they'd like and buy something they've suggested.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 30/11/2015 10:22

My [rather large] nuclear family do Secret Santa so I have to buy one present circa £50. We don't buy anything for Aunt's, Uncles, cousins. Godchildren are exceptions to the rule.

DH's entire extended family is smaller than my nuclear family and they all expect presents. One family buys total tat at £10 a pop. I don't need a crappy mug to give to charity in the NY. I'd rather you bought me an Oxfam chicken, that would make me feel all warm and fussy rather than RAGE and it is such a waste of money.

DH's nuclear family all spend serious cash and buy individual presents for everyone. Costs a frickin' fortune but I can't persuade any of them to try something else or allow me to opt out.

DH is pissed off because I said I don't want or need anything. He's been surfing the internet for months already for himself Grin I know that there's nothing worse than trying to buy a present for someone that has everything they want but I feel guilty about it when so many have so little

Hydradela · 30/11/2015 10:25

Among the siblings (4 of us) we've agree to stop presents years ago. I get something small for my parents, more in a jokey way, but there is no obligation. It was such a relief because even small presents add up and I simply haven't got the money. I was also fed up of getting dsis' birthday presents (from Oct) that she re-gifted, including one year the present I had given her Hmm.

So this year I really only get presents for our own dc and I will get a small gift for dh.

TeddTess · 30/11/2015 10:33

dh's family we just buy for the kids. even that is now turning into requests for vouchers. fine by me though i do try and put the voucher into something nice eg a christmas mug, slipper socks etc

my family we buy for the kids, my parents and each for one of the adult couples, £100 ish present. much better!

i am really bad at accepting tat. makes me cringe. glad to only get a present or two which are usually lovely and i've been able to hint/suggest!

Hydradela · 30/11/2015 10:43

I do wonder how much people spend on Christmas presents. Do you have lots of spare cash or do people just go into debt?

I have spent £100 so far, that's for our two dc aged 5 and 8. I'll spend an extra £20 on dh (agreed limit). That's it.

nagynolonger · 30/11/2015 10:44

We only buy for immediate family. For us that's five DGC, our own six DC and their wives/husband (3 of). If we still had parents/grandparents we would buy for them.

We bought for all nieces, nephews and god children until they turned 18. At one time we did token gifts for our siblings but stopped that because it was just becoming too much when we were all buying for each others DC.

For me it is much more important that we meet up with other adults at Christmas and any other time. We can share a meal and have a good chat. All our DC are adults and spread far and wide so it's great to hear what they are all up to.

This year I have had some prints of a family wedding done for everyone and one DSis has done a DVD of her wedding which we have not seen. It was videoed 30+ years ago. I'm looking forward to sharing time with people I share memories with more than a jumper/smellies.

Me and DH will buy each other something to open. Usually DH wants something practical so that's easy for me.

nagynolonger · 30/11/2015 10:45

I wouldn't do token gifts for anyone.

BarbaraofSeville · 30/11/2015 11:08

I’m curious to know if anyone actually enjoys fighting the crowds in the shops looking for presents or is everyone just doing it out of a sense of obligation?

I like Christmas. I love making and hosting Christmas dinner, having a tree, everyone eating together, playing games, watching old films, special food, big trees and lights in the city square, over a week off work, but I hate the seemingly obligatory exchange of tat that most people seem to consider an important part of the season.

People have mentioned that they want to stop buying presents for adults but others have made a fuss. If those other people actually stopped and thought for a minute maybe they'd realise that the best present they could give someone would be freedom from forcing them into an activity they don't want to participate in?

specialsubject · 30/11/2015 11:14

all this tat-swapping does indeed need an exorcist!

I think there was a regifting thread last year where people got rid of the crap they didn't want. The enormous waste of the whole process is revolting.

Original poster
Bearbehind · 30/11/2015 11:38

It's a really interesting split of views on here.

It seems the very vast majority of people are against tat-swapping with just a handful of people who want it to continue, which pretty much sums up the situation many have described in their own families, ie most would love to stop but it's the minority who insist on continuing.

OP posts:
tunainbrine · 30/11/2015 11:42

I quite like giving and receiving gifts and most things do get used. They are in the budget of 'token gifts' but not necessarily tat - £10-15 can buy things that will be appreciated and used if careful thought goes into it (I often buy in outlets/sales as well so things that would normally cost 2-3 times more). We buy for parents, siblings and their dc. I do buy token gifts for teachers, and more distant relatives (e.g. my aunt) but only if I will be seeing them on Christmas Day.

Almost all my shopping is done online and throughout the year so no need to fight crowds in the shops.

Notimefortossers · 30/11/2015 11:47

We stopped this when my daughter was born, although it was my Mum that instigated it, God love her. She suggested the adults of the family didn't buy for each other and just bought for children and everyone agreed. At the time I felt bad because I was the only one with a child! Now I have 3 and my brother has 2 so it's not so bad. I much prefer celebrating Christmas for what is SHOULD be about! Me and my DH don't buy for each other at Christmas for the same reason. Our money comes out of the same pot and it's such an expensive time with kids anyway, why increase the expense when as grown ups if we want something we can go get it anyway! . . . in the sales preferably! ;)

ElasticPants · 30/11/2015 11:48

All the adults in my family are gifted wine and chocolate, in return we are given wine and chocolates. Everyone is happy as we are a family who live nice wine and chocolates. We often have pre Christmas lunches, so wouldn't want to turn up to a relatives house empty handed.

Tangoandcreditcards · 30/11/2015 11:54

I have LOTS of adult relatives (6 sibs/step-sibs + spouses - all 30yo+, we're pretty close).

Until last year no-one had any kids and we often spent Xmas together.

We alternated secret Santa, individual presents, and "token" gifts.

Most people preferred secret Santa, but it didn't work for some.

One person (out of 7) very much preferred individual gifts.

It was a political minefield tackling the subject every year though (for a pretty honest and laid back family - it always got heated).

Now people just do what they like. I genuinely like to buy something for people I care about so I buy everyone a pair of socks. They aren't tat (in that they won't go in the bin/cupboard unused). You can get them cheap (especially if you split a multi pack of nice socks Blush !). You can cater for individual taste, or go "safe" for a new in-law for instance. Everyone wears them. You can post them. I don't care how boring it is! Socks are the way forward!

yorkshapudding · 30/11/2015 12:02

My (large) family agreed years ago that we'd just buy for the kids as it was getting ridiculously expensive. DH's (equally large) family is another story, the expectation is that you buy for everyone in the family (including distant relatives and people who you only ever see at Christmas) and not just 'token' gifts either. A bottle of wine or a box of chocs would be considered 'stingy'. It gets so expensive, DH has tried suggesting various ways to keep the cost down including secret Santa, setting a spending limit, just buying for the (many) kids in the family etc and has been accused of being a killjoy. I refuse to go into debt for this so I manage it by starting my Christmas shopping in January. Picking up bits and pieces throughout the year whenever I spot a good bargain helps to spread the cost but we still end up spending far more than we would like.

AliceMum09 · 30/11/2015 12:17

My siblings and I have 7 children between us so a couple of years ago we decided we'd buy presents for all the children but between the 6 of us (me, sister, brother and 3 husbands/wife) we'd just do a secret Santa so we were just buying one present for the adults. We spend £20 on that.

NoahVale · 30/11/2015 12:21

I dont think it is the christmas spirit not to do token gifts.
imagine when you are old and wise alone, visit the family for christmas, and they have ruled out token gifts.

i think it is nice to have something to open.

although i do get a bit peed off as my adult nieces have never bought for us, they leave it to their parents yet still accept presents . oh well. But i would not dream of leaving out great aunt flo

alltouchedout · 30/11/2015 12:22

There are a lot of things worth having for less than £10. Hmm

NoahVale · 30/11/2015 12:23

I wouldnt spend £10 though on tat.

NoahVale · 30/11/2015 12:27

Although I have a cringey memory of in my early 20s buying M & S gift jam for my aunt and uncle, and they had also bought me similar M & S jam.

Original poster
Bearbehind · 30/11/2015 12:30

There are a lot of things worth having for less than £10.

Maybe, but the point of this thread is, I don't think there are 8 or 10 things that are about £10 each that would be better received year after year by one person rather than saving the money/ spending it more wisely.

OP posts:
Strangertides1 · 30/11/2015 12:30

The only adults I buy for are dh, my mum, my dad, and a joint gift for sis and BIL, plus a little something extra for my sis (she's by best mate). I've stopped buying for my brother, their gfs, and even my friends. One friend in particular gives awful gifts, eg a bottle of kids glittery shower gel, It was so awful I couldn't even pass it on!! My bros are happy as they aren't loaded and Would rather just buy something for my children and save money.