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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how many of you would rather not do 'token' presents for relatives?

158 replies

Bearbehind · 30/11/2015 09:10

I'm a bit preoccupied with Christmas shopping at the moment and have seen several threads on here and had a couple of conversations IRL where people are stressing about finding a 'token' gift for relatives.

In some instances, there's about 8 - 10 people to buy for which adds up, even for a small gift. It's very difficult to buy something worth having for even £10.

Personally I think this means you end up buying about £80- £100 of not so great stuff and receiving the same in return.

I know it can be a difficult conversation but if the Christmas Fairy could magic away that awkward bit, how many of you would prefer to stop buying for adult relatives altogether rather than continuing the token gift route or just do a 1 gift a Secret Santa?

OP posts:

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 30/11/2015 18:25

Oh didn't answer your question sorry. I'd rather do a secret santa with dhs family and one for mine. Then you get one decent present.

Ragwort · 30/11/2015 18:29

I buy hardly any gifts now and feel quite relieved, I do love Christmas - but for me it's just not about buying and receiving presents - I buy a £5 gift for my parents each and one brother, other sibling and wife share a £10 gift, nieces/nephews/godchildren under 18 get £20 cash .......... and that's it - leaves me stress free, more money to give to charity which I enjoy doing. My teenage DS gets cash, plus I enjoy making him a stocking full of small bits and pieces - most of which are 'useful' - socks, boxers, Lynx - that sort of thing.

FannyTheChampionOfTheWorld · 30/11/2015 18:46

It means a lot to people to feel that someone has really thought about them, and tried to give them something they will enjoy.
Not giving a present has the opposite effect. You can't even be bothered to make a small effort and spend a small amount of money once a year!!

This is just what you think though polkadots. You're entitled to your opinion, but clearly a lot of people feel differently. Personally, I have far too much stuff already. I don't really want any more, even if it is a piece of jewellery someone's spent ages looking for on Ebay. That isn't something I find at all desirable. Actually I'd rather the people I love didn't feel compelled to spend their scarce and precious free time thinking about what I'd like, even the ones who are naturally good at present choices (and it's a talent like anything else really, some people have it some don't). Not receiving lots of presents from all the adults in my family certainly doesn't make me think they can't be bothered to make a small effort or spend a bit of money. Stuff people found on Amazon just isn't that important to me.

I absolutely love Christmas, but giving and receiving gifts for adults other than spouse, parents and grandparents isn't part of that in my family. We make a big deal of the holiday but it involves getting together and eating, the presents are for the kids.

mrtwitsglasseye · 30/11/2015 18:47

We have stopped. No adult presents at all in our family. We would buy for each other but we can't really afford it - but the swapping of £10-£20 gifts with other adults is silly...and we couldn't afford it if we wanted to. There are at least 10 adults in our immedicate family, without getting into aunties and uncles.

febreeze · 30/11/2015 19:00

By luxury food I mean something a bit special that I wouldn't ordinarily buy for myself. Eg truffles, luxury savoury crackers, a really nice bit of cheese, an unusual jam, an extra nice bar of chocolate that I'd usually consider too expensive to buy for myself.

Truffles are something that I wouldn't buy myself but they are a gift with obligation - would have to spend ages thinking how to cook them and the stuff to go with them would cost much more than the truffles themselves. Probably not more exciting than a mushroom really.

pinotblush · 30/11/2015 19:02

No, only the kids and the person who hosts the dinner of course We do however get silly things for each other from the pound shop.

ProjectPerfect · 30/11/2015 19:05

I love gift giving - I get totally carried away every year: main gifts, table gifts, crackers...

Parents, siblings, their partners and DC all get gifts as do anyone I spend Christmas or Boxing Day with. Amounts to about 15 adults and 11 children plus my own DH and DC.

I have mentioned to my siblings that they might want to cut back (money is potentially more of an issue for one of them) but we all love giving (and are really good at it )

riverboat1 · 30/11/2015 19:14

I wouldn't want to not buy gifts for people I will be with on Xmas day. I love the present giving and unwrapping ritual.

For extended family / family friends who I don't see on the day itself and still have to buy for I agree it is a bit annoying and seems like a lot of hassle.

That said I like receiving gifts even when they are token ones, just smellies or chocolates or something is still nice. So I guess it isn't such a bad thing!

HeadDreamer · 30/11/2015 19:25

That's the thing. You mean obliged to give. Even though I share this sentiment:

Personally, I have far too much stuff already. I don't really want any more

I can't think o

Finallyonboard · 30/11/2015 19:32

We've always spent lots on adults, in addition to DC. However, last year we still spent lots (£100 per adult, easily) and some of the others didn't. From one of them, I had a bobbly scarf with a slight hole in it. I said thank you, smiled and pretended to like it. I can't wait to give her the present I've chosen from her this year the best bit is that we've come into some money and she recently said 'I hope I'm getting a better present than last year! Cheeky mare

calzone · 30/11/2015 19:34

It's all just stuff though.

How many token scarves, gloves, chocolates, bubbles does anyone need?

Would far rather have people over and for them to bring nice wine or a dessert and relax.

I need nothing.
I want nothing.

Original poster

Bearbehind · 30/11/2015 19:40

febreeze you much be much posher than the rest of us as I'm pretty sure the truffles referred to were of the chocolate variety

The massive problem I see with all the people who are saying they think it's thoughtful to find a nice token gift is that is virtually possible to buy something like a book/ dvd/ cd for somene else.

Even if they don't use more modern media, unless they've specified they want it, how can you possibly know if they've got it already or not?

Those that buy the same thing every year aren't being thoughtful IMO, I'm imaging the scene in Gavin and Stacey where Gwen opens the gift from Doris and says 'it's talc, it's always talc'!

OP posts:

febreeze · 30/11/2015 19:45

febreeze you much be much posher than the rest of us as I'm pretty sure the truffles referred to were of the chocolate variety

Gosh not posh at all. It said luxury food and 'truffles' are a luxury item. I didn't think of chocolate truffles!

febreeze · 30/11/2015 19:46

I did once get a call from my SIL at 4pm on Christmas Eve to bring artichokes for the next day. As I lived in the country she thought they would be easy to get!

FannyTheChampionOfTheWorld · 30/11/2015 19:48

I don't know if it's me getting older or kindles, Netflix et al becoming ubiquitous, but it definitely feels harder to get presents for adults than it used to be a few years ago. Particularly younger adults. Kids are still fairly straightforward. Thankfully my elderly relatives are all lushes who'd drink piss out of a sweaty sock, so a bottle of something fortifying is well received.

Radio13 · 30/11/2015 20:19

I'm not doing adult gifts anymore.
Will buy for DD of course and my 2 second cousins.

My parents, my Nan and DD's other grand parents are getting one of those tea towels with DD's design on from school. ( I know it's a bit novelty but my Nan appreciates things like that)

StellaAlpina · 30/11/2015 20:43

I only buy for 4 or 5 people usually so I get everyone a 'real' present rather than a token one, having said that I only spend about £20 on everyone apart from DH.

Even if I had more people to buy for I would still do it because I like giving presents and I really enjoy the ritual of unwrapping things and getting a surprise. Tbh I even like getting the box of ferrero roche I get from MIL every year, I think I just like the tradition of exchanging gifts.

iwantgin · 30/11/2015 21:01

Would far rather have people over and for them to bring nice wine or a dessert and relax.I I need nothing.I want nothing'

Nicely worded Calzone

That is precisely how I feel.

febreeze · 30/11/2015 21:28

Tbh I even like getting the box of ferrero roche I get from MIL every year, I think I just like the tradition of exchanging gifts.

Ferrero roche are truffles- just without the dust. The 1970s truffle.

bcngran · 30/11/2015 22:03

We do presents for children up to 18, and donations to Save the Children or other children's charity for close adults. Also a kids charity donation for presents to each other. And that's it. If adults want chocs, sower gel, gloves etc, best to buy them for themselves, surely better to give money to where it's really needed and can do someone some good, especially for children, than add to the pile of useless stuff that no adults really want or need?

BarbaraofSeville · 30/11/2015 22:22

The only cheap mass market chocolates I like are Ferrero Rochers. Can't stand Cadbury's, Thorntons, Quality Street etc but I would be perfectly happy with a box of Ferrero Rochers, no matter how small.

I have more hats, scarves etc than I'll lose in a lifetime and a bathroom cupboard stuffed full of toiletries. I'm quite annoyed that I don't often get to choose my own toiletries because I'm always trying to use up what I got for Christmas. One advantage of having a few days off at Christmas is that I'll have time to sort things out and donate a good proportion of it to a charity shop or food bank, but I don't really think that was the intention of the giver.

yorkshapudding · 30/11/2015 22:25

"I kind of wish my family was close enough for me to know their taste in DVD box sets, or even if they watch them at all or are all about streaming now, what they have and havent seen or what sort of vintage jewellry they might like off ebay, or what books they have and haven't read. "

That's the thing though. DH's family aren't close. They don't really talk, they don't socialise together at all other than at Christmas, the other 364 days of the year they make no effort with one another. As a result the gifts they insist we continue to exchange are utterly meaningless and sort of highlights how little they all know one another really. Last year MIL, who loathes cooking, was given recipe books and kitchen gadgets that she'll never use. DH, who doesn't drink, was given a rather expensive bottle of whiskey. It's a bit sad really.

thegiddylimit · 30/11/2015 22:28

We have Amazon wishlists in our family which means at least the tat is something you like, although I'm drowning under unread books at the moment (and SIL likes 'thoughtful' crap that I hate so we always have that to dispose of in the new year). We live a long way away from our families but are still expected to get gifts for them, I have 20-30 gifts to buy and have got in trouble for not spending enough (sister wanted to buy Mum an expensive gift a couple of years ago but it was more than I wanted to spend and she got angry when I told her that. Sigh.). I'd rather forget about getting any of them a gift and just concentrate on my immediate family and friends here, e.g. I feel like my best friend who does a lot for us is more 'deserving' of a gift than my siblings who live so far away I only see them a couple of times a year. Not that I don't get on with my siblings, just that my friend is here and is more family to my kids than my family are IYSWIM. And because she is here and I see her regularly I know what she likes as well.

BillWagglestaff · 30/11/2015 22:58

Probably v naive but I feel really shocked that anyone would regard a book as "tat". Tat to me is cheap plastic crap, bubble bath gift sets and candles.

And yes, I wouldn't mind a pack of cheap socks from Asda - I'm not overly fussy about what I wear on my feet.

I guess it's one of those things that just depends on the givers and the recipients - we really enjoy this aspect of Christmas and have a lot of fun with it. Gifts tend to be either practical (like socks) or little luxuries (like books). And the excitement of opening presents and watching your gifts being opened is fab. :)

HeadDreamer · 01/12/2015 05:42

BillWagglestaff book is tat because I only read with dimmed lights only my iPad. DH is the same with the kindle. We purged our bookcase of paperbacks a couple of years ago. (Same with DVDs and CDs). Do you know most charity shops don't want books? They can't sell them. I learnt of this here on MN. Then I noticed most charity bags through the letter box specifically asked no books (in addition to bric a brac).

When even charity shops don't want them, is it tat or what? At least with chocolates I can eat them.

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