to ask about the general attitude to children with behavioural differences

[Francoitalialan]

Inspired by another thread, if you have ordinary non-special needs kids, especially of primary age, and there's a child at school displaying behaviour that's different to the norm, what conclusion do you reach?

Options may include

Not nice
Nasty
Product of crap parents
Rude
Spiteful
Dim
Annoying
Irritating
And also
Autistic spectrum disorder
Attention deficit disorder
Hyperactivity
Anxiety disorder
Dyspraxia
Sensory processing disorder
Auditory processing Disorder
Misphonia
Tourette's

Ad Infinitum.

Where do you generally place your opinion and why?

ive got a soft spot for the naughty ones usually

probably because all 3 of my kids have got additional needs of some sort.

I haven't RTFT only some, I have a different one, a rager, a swearer, a violent one. She's SEVEN and was permanently excluded from school at the age of six when her 1-2-1 was withdrawn due to budgetary reasons.

I HS at the moment, I feel INCREDIBLY isolated, so isolated, I cry, I feel as though I can't make new friends (we've just relocated) because of DD. My old friends knew DD, they understood and they made allowances but no-one really knows us here and it's hard to get an in when you can only stand at the school gate for a second waiting for your other DC in case the other kicks off (she will - I'm paying £100 a week in taxis just to get a quick turn-around).

And to know your other DC are also suffering because you can't make those connections? Because you can't hang around the school gate's chatting?

It's so hard for the whole family. DD is currently being assessed for ASD, but even then, should I get a sign? Should I yell in the few minutes I have? 'She's not like the other kids - don't judge me....'

Or her, that last post was all about me. Don't judge her, she's actually a lovely little person who can't cope, she just can't cope with the world as she sees it.

No judgement here Hound

Evening all,

Just thought we'd put in another link to our This Is My Child Campaign as some of you may not be aware of it.

We set up the campaign to support parents of children with additional needs, inform everyone else, and open up a conversation about how we can all act to make life easier for everyone caring for children with additional needs.

It also aims to debunk unhelpful - and incorrect - assumptions about how children with special needs behave - and suggests how we can all challenge those assumptions to help alleviate the stress this places on parents. Here's a list of the myths about parenting children with special needs which we're challenging.

Many thanks.

Thank you - I'm in turmoil at the moment.

So hard.

It's never what you imagine for yourself is it?

No, it isn't. I'm a bit further down the line than you. Some bits get easier, some get harder.

Once you get a diagnosis then use the great people on MN to help. Push and push for any support you can get. Then push some more!

There is a dc at my dc school who I would say is more than just naughty. I feel there must be sn but he's not statemented despite school ensuring he has 1:1 ta due to his behaviour.
I will admit that I wonder what his home life is like but more in the sense that I wonder if, given he's not statemented, his parents get any support.

Maryz No, no, we're a high income family and so in many ways are left to our own devices.

Which is good in some ways because we don't NEED it, but in other ways we NEED it.

I'd like more help, I'd like to be looked at and helped.

I'd love help.

Thank you Thorn and Maryz.

It's so hard to be blamed, when we moved DD had a huge melt-down, I was dragging her down the road, whilst being punched and bitten and called a 'Fucking Cow', a 'Fucking bitch', I was hit punched and bitten- I just wanted to get her home, I don't use force, I'm tall and strong. It took me half an hour to get her half a mile. I could see people staring.

Throughout it I just gently restrained. Whilst sobbing.

If you haven't been abused by a Non-NT seven year old I don't think you can understand.

Maryz, I have just been talking about exactly that tonight, I have arranged an escort for DS in the taxi, have a new cleaner, DD goes once a week with my Dad.

I make space on a Saturday morning for DS, we go out to the park and for a hot-chocolate.

I was only saying to DH tonight, this is killing us.

We're so alone with this, I haven't worked since I had children, ten years, so I'm well out of it.

DH earns well over 150,000 a year. But he says he hates DD, he can't cope with her.

And that destroys us.

My ds is currently being assessed for suspected ASD he is chronically anxious and struggles with many aspects of school. Currently in yr7. He has been hurt and bullied by other kids with SN in his years at school, but most children who are bullied at school have an SN so I am more concerned about how much ds is forced to associate with other children as he is more likely to be adversely affected, than they are, statistically speaking. My ds now spends most lunchtime in the library to avoid having to interact. He is supremely unbotheredabout being popular he finds most other children irritating, dd1 on the other hand has ASD and is constantly worrying about what others may think of her, about being different and wishing she was popular, she would benefit from confident and caring NT friends. But I know she can be very quixotic in how she approaches friendships making it difficult for her to maintain them. Both dc are hard work in very different ways but so caring and lovely I wish they could Be happier.

Big Mouth hearts.

Loves.

I go to a feeding clinic with DS once a week and DS is the youngest plus the only one who isn't autistic. It is eye opening. DS has a delay which is challenging in itself but he is making progress. These other DC are not making the same progress because of the SN they have. I can see how it's going to get harder for these parents as these DC grow older.

There is a big difference in the way a parent of a child with SN interacts with their DC compared to how a parent interacts with a 'normal' child. I found the UK and Denmark hard and have a much easier time here in the US where parents tend to be rather more direct and ask me what's going on with DS. It also doesn't help that my development delayed DS is huge for his age. We just got him new pants and GAP age 5 fits him just right. He turns 3 in Feb. People assume he is 5-6 years old. Developmentally he is about 18-24 months old.

I can pretty much guarantee that everyone on this thread is an amazing parent. Because you have to be and have to put the effort in.

to all

I mean you have to be because you are getting your child through life and always trying to keep them calm and happy to the best of your ability. It's hard.

Hound have you thought about employing a tutor to help with the HE and also to give you a bit of a break?

When my DSs were just in school/nursery and I wasn't ready to go back into full time teaching, I worked for the LEA home tutoring DCs not in school for various reasons, including behaviour. A teacher in that position may be glad of the extra income and would be a support for you.

I think people are far too quick to make judgements on the parents.

I agree.

I think children are very much seen as an accessory of the parents in the UK - so if they are clever, or good at sport, or music or whatever, that's brilliant parenting at work. Equally if they are "naughty", that's the parents' fault too. I had not really thought about it until I read this article about parenting in the Netherlands, and was struck by this section in the article:

www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2015/11/05/are-they-the-worlds-most-relaxed-moms-what-we-can-all-learn-from-the-dutch/?postshare=2791446794680658

"One of the biggest things I’ve noticed since moving to the Netherlands is that children aren’t held up as a reflection of their parents. Little Janneke’s or Joost’s accomplishments (or shortcomings) aren’t judged as a product of their parenting. I was taken aback when a Dutch parent casually mentioned how her son was smarter than a friend of his. It wasn’t the fact she offered this information that surprised me, but the way she delivered it: matter of fact, devoid of ego and without a hint of subtext that this somehow made her son better than his friends."

Hounds

I think we are very lucky that ds holds it together in school, because we do actually get a break from him, which sounds awful, I know.
I love him to bits, he can be so funny and is amazingly creative, but it's very hard.

Mythical - YES - that's exactly what I'm doing after Christmas!