to ask about the general attitude to children with behavioural differences

[Francoitalialan]

Inspired by another thread, if you have ordinary non-special needs kids, especially of primary age, and there's a child at school displaying behaviour that's different to the norm, what conclusion do you reach?

Options may include

Not nice
Nasty
Product of crap parents
Rude
Spiteful
Dim
Annoying
Irritating
And also
Autistic spectrum disorder
Attention deficit disorder
Hyperactivity
Anxiety disorder
Dyspraxia
Sensory processing disorder
Auditory processing Disorder
Misphonia
Tourette's

Ad Infinitum.

Where do you generally place your opinion and why?

Well you can entirely avoid conversing with me.

Much easier than the wee digs

You do a disservice to other parents of kids with ASD by implying they don't take responsibility for their kids behaviour like you do, is all I will say.

I completely appreciate that fanjo.

But in my view, the OP was asking for honest opinions. Yes, many (mine included) probably come across as ignorant (and through lack of knowledge/ understanding).

I just think that the original idea of this thread was a good platform for open and honest discussion of parents with 'non SN' children of other children showing traits of SN. Surely opinions from this thread show exactly what the general public need to be educated on and where the lack of understanding is? I actually think it would be a massive injustice if posters can/will not post honestly or mamby pamby about for fear of being flamed?

What this thread has highlighted, is that SN are not understood. SN children are struggling to gain access to the services required to make their lives easier and that theres no one method fits all approach to helping them. However if only 3/10 will give their true thoughts, then everyone else thinks that the remaining 7 have a clear cut understanding?

Yes i completely get that you are fed up with the ignorance but is that not another thread altogether?

But it doesn't exonerate him, or me. I still need to say very sternly (even though that's useless!) 'DS, you do not do that.'

Why? If it is useless why do you need to? What impact is it having other than to the keep 'onlookers' happy?

if saying that to the child is an effective way of managing the situation for them then great. If not then I don't see why you need to?

I wasn't saying you shouldn't post

I was exasperated by your attitude. Maybe I should have educated in a fluffy manner.

It just gets wearing and the unfair judging of parents is very frustrating.

And just read back on the few posts written whilst i wrote mine... Ive not even heard of the 'this is my child' campaign! Where is it being advertised??

Surely schools could pop a letter in every kids book bag to draw attention to the parents?

Yes you probably should have fanjo

Sirzy the stern tone is what is useless, but I can't just speak in a monotone to DS.

I would like in general for there to be more understanding of parents with children who have special needs in real life. I would give up my house not to have to hear comments like 'well, just tell him he can't wear it!' or 'he needs telling!' Erm - yes!

I completely endorse what Maryz is saying - this perceived wisdom that 'take care of the little things and the big things take care of themselves' don't just not work but are counter productive with autism (I don't know about other special needs sorry) as I know if I started on the small things for DS, I'd never stop!

But, that can't excuse me or him from dangerous or hurtful things. I have given up with clothes and with days out as these are invariably ruined but I do have to be mindful that whether I like it or not DS is my responsibility and I can't let him stand on pigs or any other of the crazy stuff he's done!

Thanks Dixie, ill give it a read

My fluffy allowance has been used up

I also intensively parent DD.

What I object to is when people say "other parents use ASD as an excuse" and judge others.

We are all doing our best.

And I also find it extra inexplicable when parents of kids with ASD judge other people with kids with it.

Because I know that we all go through the being judged thing and it's hard. So I wouldn't do it to others.

But maybe when people are starting on the road they haven't come to that realisation yet.

That's why I really struggle with the bad parenting judgement. Parenting a child with autism often looks different, some misinterpret that as bad.

I don't reach a conclusion about the child, I make an assessment of whether the behaviours are a danger or seriously detrimental to the welfare of my dc. Where the behaviours are not dangerous, I try to find out how best to help my dc interact with the child. Where there is a serious issue, I then look to make the situation safe both physically and emotionally - either by support/education/other intervention or in the worst case by instructions to my dc to keep their distance (that distance would be a last resort).

I have no wish to exclude any child, but neither will I allow my children to be harmed. There is a huge disservice being done to dc, those with AN/SEN and those who are NT alike, due to a lack of support and guidance in many schools. Some conditions do sometimes require different interactions for both parties to be safe, that is not something any child could be expected to manage without significant input.

No one wants their child in a class with a special needs child if the SN child is going to hurt their child, or if the SN child's behaviour dominates the class / the teachers time.

And yes I have a SN child.
But the ignorance of both parents and teachers who should know better in blaming the parents, is frightening.

But that's just being a parent, isn't it?

Er… no. No, it isn’t. I used to think of it as Extreme Parenting . I went through some of that when my DS was younger. My DS still has Asperger's but I don’t have to go to do that kind of parenting any more. Maryz and thornrose are among the wise experienced mothers I might turn to if things take a turn for the worse.

All the same, I have at times read things on here like 'my child threw a bag of jelly at his granny and called her a fucking bitch and she is angry; AIBU to think she should be understanding of his special needs'? And I have thought - hang on, SEN or no, that's poor behaviour that needs managing.

I’m guessing your DC aren’t the kind for whom you’re glad it’s just jelly and not the scissors? Yes, when you have one of those to worry about your sense of proportion might get a bit distorted sometimes.

For me chucking the jelly would indeed have been a parenting failure but I’ve certainly had times when name calling alone would genuinely count as successful behaviour management. Though it might not be reasonable to expect granny to recognise that. (My own mother did in fact - but she had professional experience of behaviour management for extremely challenging children.)

Kleinzeit - we have to hide knives, scissors and matches from ds. If in anger he calls me a fucking bitch without punching me, it is indeed a success :o
(And quite tragic that I find this a success maybe?)

Pretty much every day at school I prove to the masses that I'm a crap mother. When he comes out I'll call him, usually he'll go off running round the playground, in the brief time I've seen him I'll have spotted the look in his eyes and accept that letting him run for a few minutes is the best thing for him. I may look a little pissed off because I know what sort of night we have ahead of us. Occasionally one of the TAs will give me a look, then bellow at ds across the school yard because he's ignored me, he will meekly trot up, meaning I get a triumphant look from TA, who will not see ds kick off and start to meltdown in the car.
A few minutes extra in the playground isn't a problem, but what is a problem to others is me looking like a weak mother and letting ds ignore me.

The times when ds is violent, we can't say anything without making things worse. He is already overloaded without us adding noise to it as well. The most effective thing we can do, if we've missed the brief window when we can prevent a meltdown, is get him to a safe place and let him get it out of his system. But other people want to see him being shouted at, punished for being naughty, for swearing, for hurting us, but at that point, you might as well be telling a dog off for being hairy for all the good it does!

You sound like an amazing mother