to ask about the general attitude to children with behavioural differences

[Francoitalialan]

Inspired by another thread, if you have ordinary non-special needs kids, especially of primary age, and there's a child at school displaying behaviour that's different to the norm, what conclusion do you reach?

Options may include

Not nice
Nasty
Product of crap parents
Rude
Spiteful
Dim
Annoying
Irritating
And also
Autistic spectrum disorder
Attention deficit disorder
Hyperactivity
Anxiety disorder
Dyspraxia
Sensory processing disorder
Auditory processing Disorder
Misphonia
Tourette's

Ad Infinitum.

Where do you generally place your opinion and why?

I completely agree with all of that Maryz. I would hate anybody to think I meant that I was tutting and judging. I know autism and it's incredibly bloody exhausting.

But just sometimes - edging away in fear here - I have seen ADHD and ASD used as catch-all excuses for any type of poor behaviour. That does a disservice to everybody.

I agree, school can be too noisy for lots of kids, with or without SN, and can exacerbate any difficulties in learning. Actually, a smallish room with 30 other people in it with whom you have little in common except age, and with hard acoustics is not the ideal learning environment for a lot of children. My dd frequently says her classroom gives her a headache and she can't think in school. But the one child in the class who shouts a lot isn't helping.

The problem is society expects people to respond in a certain way and will judge if they don't respond in a way which meets their expectations. All this does if make life even harder for those having to live it anyway.

Thankfully my son generally behaves in school, it has been noted in reports that because he is quiet his struggles could well go unnoticed, but he has pushed children before - not to be nasty but because their behaviour has either left him feeling crowded or changed his routine which has meant he has lashed out. Thankfully he hasn't hurt anyone and school have been great and dealt with it and not made it into an issue. I wouldn't punish him for that at home though for one it would be pointless hours after the event when he wasn't being naughty he was just unable to cope at that point. Making an issue of if again would just make him upset over again.

For bad parenting also read exhausted parenting, absolutely end of tether parenting, struggling to get through every day parenting, today I just can't do it anymore parenting, we all make mistakes parenting.

It might not be as simple as that.

But that's just being a parent, isn't it? I'm not stating that unsympathetically but very, very kindly believe it or not!

What is just being a parent?

Crazybaglady I feel for the child's parents.

So wanted to speak up for them.

Being a parent to a child with sn is much harder work than being a parent to nt children. It is not just being a parent.

Parenting that is most suitable for a child with autism might look like bad parenting by some standards. I wouldnt start loudly telling off a child having a meltdown for example. People shouldn't judge parents.

I do think the page on This is my child about "behavioural disorders are just a fashionable excuse for bad parenting" would be helpful reading for some here.

Trudging. .how do you "know autism"?

Rephrase:

Being exhausted, being at the end of your tether, doesn't mean you can opt out of parenting.

I thought I "knew autism" inducing having worked as a ta doing 1-1 work with an autistic child.

The along came Ds and I realised that I knew only the tip of the iceberg before. Even now I only know "Ds and his autism" but that's a lot more than I knew before!

Clearly, there were going to be answers that you were not going to like.

Oh and crazybaglady..my child doesn't actually have aggressive behaviour. So is not a case of me just not liking the answers.

It's a case of me trying to address ignorance which is meaning some poor mum is copping an attitude for something beyond her control.

Trudging please go and read the this is my child campaign. Then you might rethink your frankly erroneous attitude.

I do agree with that Sirzy.

Just the same, I don't like 'she has autism, he has ADHD' to be used to excuse various types of violence and anti social behaviour.

I really struggle with my child's behaviour at times - God, it's like Groundhog Day. I have been known to rant at myself in the car as I'm so damn frustrated and I probably look insane.

People look incredulous and say 'why don't you just well just tell him ...' and don't have a clue there's no "just" about autism.

All the same, I have at times read things on here like 'my child threw a bag of jelly at his granny and called her a fucking bitch and she is angry; AIBU to think she should be understanding of his special needs'? And I have thought - hang on, SEN or no, that's poor behaviour that needs managing.

Trudging may I suggest you read the This Is My Child campaign.

Sorry if my posts are a little less than fluffy.

Just sick of people on MN spouting judgy nonsense based on misinformation .

Ok fanjo

Yes, it's my child too.

When you have a child you cannot let go of out of the house because they at any time might do something that may may hurt themselves, you cannot opt out of parenting. But you may let the noise making and other trivial stuff go.

Trudging well you seem to lack a broader understanding of how other children are affected.

I didn't mean you particularly in my spouting judgy stuff post by the way. It's just a general avalanche of it for years on MN wears one down.

For example..what honking said.

My child doesn't hit anyone. But I try to understand why some would and would never judge the parents or say they are opting out of parenting. And if they did seem to back off I would try to understand why and not judge.

You've totally misunderstood my post trudging. That list was not a list of excuses to opt out of parenting!

Anyway I give up.

To be honest Fanjo I've been trying to avoid too much direct conversation with you.

However, whatever - I'll bite.

This is my child is a lovely, lovely campaign. It has been hugely effective (I feel) in shaping and changing attitudes - on mumsnet at any rate - not sure about the world at large but we'll see!

Most of all, it reminds people of the simple fact that these children they may sneer at are someone's precious baby too. That's all lovely.

My child has autism. That is my child. He is capable of violence. I'm not sure he's violent as such (although as he's got older there has definitely been an increase of interest in weapons and violent scenes he may see on television - try to hide this as much as possible but it is tricky as they grow ) - but moreover, I call it -probably badly - he can't 'translate.'

My DS can't work out that someone standing on his belly and jumping up and down would hurt him, a lot, so therefore it will also hurt his sister, the dog, or the cat. He's my child, he can't help it. I know he can't.

But it doesn't exonerate him, or me. I still need to say very sternly (even though that's useless!) 'DS, you do not do that.'

It's because of his autism but his autism doesn't mean he has Carte Blanche to hurt other children or animals.

DS has trodden on a pig climbed in an enclosure for otters and nearly drowned his sister.

It's because he's autistic.

It was still my fault because I took my eye off the ball. It didn't mean I could stop parenting (I didn't mean to, it was obviously an accident, but still.)

I think a lot of the time I am a pretty good parent to DS and I do know how to manage him well.

But like all parents I make mistakes but if one of the above incidents had resulted in an animal or child being hurt it would be my fault not DS's and not 'special need.' Because I know he has special needs.