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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be narked a grown woman is texting my 11yo ds?

405 replies

OiledBegg · 27/11/2015 18:30

Myself and my 11yo ds's father are divorced but have a great co-parenting relationship.

Through a hobby, exH is friends with a woman who is in her mid 30s and married. No children.

Ds is also involved with this hobby so has met this woman many times and they get on well and see each other frequently. She bought him a little bday present which I thought was sweet.

For ds's bday a week ago he got his first mobile phone. Mainly to keep in touch with the parent he isn't with that particular weekend, and to get him used to keeping in touch with us ready for when he's older and more independent.

ExH clearly gave this woman ds's number as she's been texting him a few times in the last week.

The first message was some quote from a film/series that I don't know of which was "hey baby, you smell good you been bathing in cupcakes and rainbows again?"

Then he replied, and she text back with "now you have my number you contact me if you need to, about anything at all ok?xxx"

Aibu to find this annoying, and feel kinda undermined as his mother? The other texts are just "morning! Have a good day at school!" and stuff like that.

Also is this even appropriate behaviour? What if ds were a girl and this adult friend were male, surely it'd be majorly off so why is it different that he's a boy?

Or am I being jealous and precious and totally overreacting?

OP posts:
Unreasonablebetty · 28/11/2015 00:55

I do keep checking back. I want to know what happens when this woman is confronted.
It's so weird, as others have said she's stepped over a line,
One of my friends daughters wanted to tell me something a few months ago (was just a chil who had been horrible about Dd and myself) but she said it was a secret and not to tell anyone..
I said to her, I'm sorry but I can't promise that, whatever we discuss can be kept quiet from everyone but your mum, mummy needs to know whatever we discuss, and that's not only you and me, that's you and any adult.
She seemed to understand.. And that's along the lines of how any normal adult would deal with secrets etc,
I went straight outside, said to her mum, don't get involved. I'm telling you what was just said your dd doesn't want anyone to know, but it's not appropriate for us to have secrets from you...
No adult should be welcoming this kind of secrecy.

DixieNormas · 28/11/2015 01:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

toffeeboffin · 28/11/2015 01:21

Very inappropriate.

Mmmmcake123 · 28/11/2015 02:06

Unreasonable, if a child approached me to disclose something, I would tell them what it might lead to but I wouldn't tell them mum needs to know as mum could be instrumental in the abuse. I'm sure you know this already and would use common sense in any given situation.xxxx

Senpai · 28/11/2015 02:37

Also is this even appropriate behaviour? What if ds were a girl and this adult friend were male, surely it'd be majorly off so why is it different that he's a boy?

Appropriate? Probably not.

But it'd be different if the genders were switched because 98% of sexual predators are men, even with male victims, the perpetrator is staggeringly male.

Women very rarely groom children, the most you hear of them doing is sleeping with a high school boy. So, it's a much, much rarer chance she's targeting your son sexually than if the genders were reversed.

More likely explanation is she's playing extra nice to snuggle up to your ex, not your son. Wink

Still, it's a stupid game. I'd put an end to it.

BrideOfWankenstein · 28/11/2015 03:57

I'd be taking this to the police. Without any chats to ex or to this woman.
If she is a genuine abuser, she will find another boy to groom, which could be stopped if police will get there first. If she is not, she will be mortified after getting a chat from the police and never do that again.

If it was an adult male texting girl, would you be telling him to back off? I bet that no. I bet you'd be talking to the police the same day without hesitation. So why is this different?

EleanorRigsby · 28/11/2015 04:16

I do believe I was on the AIBU thread….where a poster asks for opinions on their behaviour or thoughts?
It seems reasonable that contrary points of view will be aired.

So thank you VagueIdeas for your put down.
I hadn’t realised I’d written a "massive detailed and unlikely explanation”
I thought I had suggested a possible alternative and put it out there for sensible discussion.

toomanyeggs - No, if the child was a girl and it was a male sending that message, then I would have a totally different opinion. BUT it isnt that case is it?

There’s an awful lot of conjecture going on in this thread.

As Senpai says, the vast majority of sexual predators are men. This woman may be mis-guided in her messaging but labeling someone a Paedophile without all the knowledge of a situation could be very damaging.

Speak to your ex about it for sure

CandyCaneCottage · 28/11/2015 04:18

Senpai

Whilst i don't doubt the majority of offences are by men, i think its skewed by such attitudes that women wouldn't do it, and also again the boys seeing people saying that he should enjoy it because he's male, and when we hear about female abusers, it's generally with a very light sentence, all these contributing factors will not make young boys want to come forward.

Bigpants4 · 28/11/2015 04:19

I would text back saying 'DS's mothers here. Your texts to DS seem Inappropriate. Please stop'

Senpai · 28/11/2015 04:28

CandyCane That's true that only 1-2% of female offenders are convicted, but even with anonymous surveys 80-89% of abusers are men. The odds of a woman being a predator is still quite rare.

But to pretend that a woman texting a child is the same thing as a man doing it is being disingenuously paranoid for the sake of "equal treatment".

Is a possibility? Sure.

But reporting her to the police is going to make OP look unhinged, and deliberately spiteful unless she has something more than just annoying "Have a good day" texts.

Even the cupcake text is pretty innocent when you see it in context to the show:

It's just a silly quote from a silly cartoon.

Atenco · 28/11/2015 04:44

Another one thinking it is totally inappropriate. Not just the first text which is frankly yuck, but texting in the mornings with banalities is bizarre.

KoalaDownUnder · 28/11/2015 05:10

It is utterly, horribly inappropriate.

I'd speak to his father about it first, though. Police is overkill.

Bigpants4 · 28/11/2015 05:35

I think the cartoon is a bit weird actually. Just watched it now

Senpai · 28/11/2015 05:39

Yeah, it's suppose to be weird. It's funny in a really offbeat and random WTF sort of way. But it's all innocent fun. Jake (that weird brown thing) and Finn are BFF's who go on weird adventures together.

ExBallerina · 28/11/2015 05:58

I agree it's weird and inappropriate.

Have you talked to your DS about it? Sorry if you've already said, might have missed it.

And I agree with others, talk with your ex and tell him this is not on.

FarticCircle · 28/11/2015 06:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheStoic · 28/11/2015 06:56

The part about 'you can talk to me about anything' is far more disturbing to me than the TV quote.

That's Grooming 101. Probably not sexual, but certainly emotional. I too think it's the Dad she is after.

OP I think your ex will get defensive when you raise it with him. No parent likes hearing that something they are doing/have allowed to be done is inappropriate.

If this were me, I wouldn't approach him accusatorily, but to ask for his help and support as co parent.

ShortcutButton · 28/11/2015 07:01

I don't understand the hesitation. Why didn't you speak to your ex and/or the woman about this straight away??

Fratelli · 28/11/2015 07:03

Also op, many (not all) adult watchers of adventure time smoke weed whilst watching it. I know this from my time at 2 universities.

I think contact the police before speaking to her so she can't cover her tracks. You would if she was a man.

ShortcutButton · 28/11/2015 07:04

There are plenty of alternative , less creeping, quotes from Adventure Time, she could have chosen

MythicalKings · 28/11/2015 07:15

My instinct here is that the woman fancies the ex and is cosying up to the son to get him on side. Of course it's inappropriate but I'm not as sure about her motivation as some posters.

I do an activity with younger teens and they all have my number. Our texts are along the lines of, "I can't make it tonight, I have too much homework". And my reply, "Thanks for letting me know, see you next week".

A lot of us like Dr Who so there may be the occasional comment about the current series, so a quote would not be the end of the world. But that particular quote seems the wrong one, unless they'd all laughed at it at the time, I suppose.

Either way, a word with the ex would be the way to go, I think.

MirandaWest · 28/11/2015 07:18

I have a 12 year old DS and although I'm not sure exactly what I'd do if that were happening to him, I would definitely find it weird.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 28/11/2015 07:27

I would call her and and why she is contacting your son, ask her to stop.

MrsUnderwood · 28/11/2015 07:31

The best case scenario I can see is that she's sucking up to your son because she fancies your ex or is already having an affair with him, and, not having kids herself, is completely fucking clueless about how inappropriate those messages are. The worst case scenario is that she's grooming him.

I've got an 11 year old nephew, we get on well, we both like Adventure Time and share a hobby. There is no way I'd text him something like this, they come across as totally creepy and I know my SIL would be raging about it and rightly so.

waitingforsomething · 28/11/2015 07:38

This is extremely innapropriate. Her motivation is either your ex (best case) or she is grooming (worst case). You must talk to your ex, show him the messages and then have all contact removed