To be narked a grown woman is texting my 11yo ds?

[OiledBegg]

Myself and my 11yo ds's father are divorced but have a great co-parenting relationship.

Through a hobby, exH is friends with a woman who is in her mid 30s and married. No children.

Ds is also involved with this hobby so has met this woman many times and they get on well and see each other frequently. She bought him a little bday present which I thought was sweet.

For ds's bday a week ago he got his first mobile phone. Mainly to keep in touch with the parent he isn't with that particular weekend, and to get him used to keeping in touch with us ready for when he's older and more independent.

ExH clearly gave this woman ds's number as she's been texting him a few times in the last week.

The first message was some quote from a film/series that I don't know of which was "hey baby, you smell good you been bathing in cupcakes and rainbows again?"

Then he replied, and she text back with "now you have my number you contact me if you need to, about anything at all ok?xxx"

Aibu to find this annoying, and feel kinda undermined as his mother? The other texts are just "morning! Have a good day at school!" and stuff like that.

Also is this even appropriate behaviour? What if ds were a girl and this adult friend were male, surely it'd be majorly off so why is it different that he's a boy?

Or am I being jealous and precious and totally overreacting?

EleanorRigsby If the child was a girl, and the person sending the messages a male, would you still say the same?

OP, how is your relationship with your son? If it is open & honest, then I don't think you have too much to worry about if you contact this woman & put a stop to her behaviour. You don't even have to be defensive about it. If you are worried about her using it to foster a barrier, you could come at it from the angle that you are concerned for her as to how her behaviour would look to another parent/safeguarding adult. That way, you are letting her know that she is being watched.

Look, I know that when you text ds it is entirely innocent* but from a parental POV, and a safeguarding POV, it is highly inappropriate for a grown woman to be sending such loaded quotes to a child. Think about how it would look if an adult male sent that to a girl. For example.

Then you talk to your ds, tell him about how adults use this sort of thing to groom children & make them do things that are entirely inappropriate. which is exactly why you keep an eye on his phone

Then you block her number, tell your ex & make it known in no uncertain terms that if she is on his phone again, you will contact the police. Make a note of her phone number before you delete it, so you can watch out for any new contacts that are added.

I would even go as far as finding him an alternative day/club to do his hobby. Or start attending with him.

I check my dd's stuff all the time. She is 12, I have all her passwords (I created them) and she knows that part of the deal of having internet/phone access is that I hold her passwords I check everything on a regular basis.

It isn't snooping, it is keeping her safe.

*even if you don't think it is

(Yes Tapirs I do. Particularly the trans bit which probably is relevant as I generally know all the girls - have another 2 from the club on FB, one older one younger - but realised what a major drip feed / derail / froth inciting topic it was after I hit post!)

FWIW mn can easily verify me and his ID if they look me up on FB, he's quite open about it on there!

Of course, that is just a suggestion, but you should do what you feel is right, as you know your ds the best.

peanutz how fucking inappropriate is that!!

peanutz WHAT THE FUCK??? Are you really sexualising this, saying he fancies her because hormones are kicking in...so what... It's OK, because he "might like it"

If that ISN'T what you are suggesting, you need to reword your post, because it sounds like you are excusing grooming because a child might like it..which is actually the whole bloody reason perpetrators groom, they do/say things that the child will like to reel them in..puppies/sweets etc??

Wow...

The text about being able to contact her at any time about anything is a bit strange too. Even if we might be taking the quote out of context, that one is less open to interpretation.

My 11yo shares a hobby with one of my best friends (who he's known from birth, she's more like an aunty really) Very occasionally he texts her to let her know about a race he's done and her replies are along the lines of "Wow well done that's a great time!" Always initiated by him. I would be if she was texting him good morning or to talk to her any time.

I've reported my first post as I quote peanutz

The other thing that sprang into my mind was is she having an affair with your ex - or at least hoping to?

Just wanted to say that my second post was a cross post with yours Hic. I was posting about my post and not in reponse to yours.

Hey OP you must be having a nightmare this evening trying to work out the best course of action.
I would start by getting screenshots or forwarding the texts to your number, without your son knowing, just in case evidence may be needed further down the line. If that's an issue just take photos of the texts displayed on his mobile. THIS IS OF UTMOST IMPORTANCE IN CASE ANYONE THINKS YOU ARE OVERREACTING AND SOMETHING HAPPENS LATER
Next, I would tell your ex about the situation and let him know you are going to alert the club, possibly alert them first if you think he may play it down.
IME clubs only group text or fb msg to all members. She is way off but you will need to tell your son you are doing this as the excitement of getting a fone and receiving texts being ruined by you reporting her could lead to resentment. In that respect it may be best to get ex onside before you have the conversation.
Good luck and don't forget your son is not going to be in danger because you are dealing with it xx

unfortunately I have experience of this. in our case the grooming wasn't done by any electronic means - it was little notes and frankly horrendous love letters. it's done deliberately in order to fly under the radar as long as possible. in our case the letters etc had been hidden - as a 10 year old my child was too young to read intent.

this situation raises massive red flags for me. please be determined about putting a stop to this - and make as much noise about it as you can. you have no reason to protect this person.

Yes, it is totally inappropriate behaviour and I would also give your ex some ear bleed.

I also think it might be kissing up to get close to the ex if they don't already have a thing.

Very very very inappropriate regardless of gender.

Occasionally my 15 year old GS will invite a friend or 2 to a group fb chat when we discuss current affairs in the world but I would never ever just start messaging his friends privately for random chit chat.

About 10 years ago, I caught my stbx chatting regularly with a 13 year old girl. I should have gotten rid back then!!!

I would also let your child's school know just to be on the safe side. If texting is blocked she may email his school address or happen to bump into him on way home. The more adults aware the better.
Your son needs to know it is very much OK to trust adults but only when relationships are public.
I believe that in any parenting relationship you should always teach children at a young age that you can't have secrets separated from mum n dad. Presents are the only exclusion, anything other than that needs to be checked with the other parent.

Ugh. I have a ds the same age, and now he's started high school, he has only just recently got a phone.
There's no way in HELL this is appropriate, and I would be very uneasy with the whole thing.
You say she's childless. This may have something to do with the fact that she thinks it is an OK thing to do, as no sane parent would ever think it acceptable.
Even if it is from a film or whatever quote, just yuk. Why would you send that to a child?! As to a randomer saying she's there if he ever needs her, erm... THAT'S WHAT THE PARENTS ARE FOR.
Waaaaay over stepping boundaries. I'd be deleting and blocking the number.
Can you try and imagine if the sexes were reversed? If it was a grown man sending the exact same messages to your 11 year old daughter, would you be questioning it as much or would you think it was creepy and pervy right from the off?!
11 is a CHILD. No matter of gender.

As (nearly) everyone else has said, utterly inappropriate and weird.

However, I think it's more likely that she's having an affair with your husband and is trying to wheedle her way into your son's affections as a 'cool stepmum'. They often spend time at her house watching cartoons together? With a grown married woman with no kids? Odd.

Either way, it needs to stop. You'll soon find out what's going on when you speak to your ex. If he's mega defensive of her, then I would suspect he's messing around with her. If he's as horrified as you are - she's grooming your DS.

Good luck.

Very very (very) weird. Are you sure she hasn't sent to the wrong person?

Must have? Surely?

This really doesn't sit well with me. Agree with others that this needs to be evidenced and documented so if it was to go further with DS (and I bloody hope for all involved it doesn't) you have some proof or backing. I do think it's much more likely, as others have said, that she is trying to worm her way in with ExDP and thinks using DS to get to him is the best way to get where she wants to be. So wrong to use a child like that, but for DS sake I hope this is the case and not the grooming route..

Could you phone to say 'who is this?' And when it unravels you can instruct her to stop.

You don't need to justify/explain.
Then call ex and relay everything...when he says he have the number you can put a boundary there too.

Are you sure he provided her number?

It may be that ex has asked her to text so DS will actually get some use from his phone. The woman in question may have no idea what to text to 11 year old.

Sorry but suggesting to OP this is abuse? Surely no person in their right mind would dream of texting this to a child. Warped or otherwise?

I'd confront as soon as poss and to me - and surely think it was meant for another.

If it wasn't - then I wouldn't be posting about it on MN. I'd be taking action now and not be concerned about "being undermined".

No 'and to me' in that post!