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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be narked a grown woman is texting my 11yo ds?

405 replies

OiledBegg · 27/11/2015 18:30

Myself and my 11yo ds's father are divorced but have a great co-parenting relationship.

Through a hobby, exH is friends with a woman who is in her mid 30s and married. No children.

Ds is also involved with this hobby so has met this woman many times and they get on well and see each other frequently. She bought him a little bday present which I thought was sweet.

For ds's bday a week ago he got his first mobile phone. Mainly to keep in touch with the parent he isn't with that particular weekend, and to get him used to keeping in touch with us ready for when he's older and more independent.

ExH clearly gave this woman ds's number as she's been texting him a few times in the last week.

The first message was some quote from a film/series that I don't know of which was "hey baby, you smell good you been bathing in cupcakes and rainbows again?"

Then he replied, and she text back with "now you have my number you contact me if you need to, about anything at all ok?xxx"

Aibu to find this annoying, and feel kinda undermined as his mother? The other texts are just "morning! Have a good day at school!" and stuff like that.

Also is this even appropriate behaviour? What if ds were a girl and this adult friend were male, surely it'd be majorly off so why is it different that he's a boy?

Or am I being jealous and precious and totally overreacting?

OP posts:
TheTigerIsOut · 28/11/2015 07:58

I really wonder how would this finish. I think the child's dad is going to put it down to nothing, defend his friend and tell the OP she is being overprotective.

(But do no back off even if you don't have his support)

flanjabelle · 28/11/2015 08:14

(WARNING Possibly triggering)

Can I add something?

My dp was sexually abused by a 30 something married woman as a very young teen. She was a pure predator and to be honest she completely fucked him up. She made him believe that they were friends, then more, then when he was in too deep she used him as her personal toy for all her fucked up sexual needs. he will never be 100% ok. He is broken in so many ways.

Just because she is a woman doesn't make her safe. Just because your ds is a boy, doesn't make him safe.

You need to keep him safe. don't let your precious ds be damaged like my poor dp. Please.

mathanxiety · 28/11/2015 08:32

I would contact the police.

Then after that I would go to your ex and tell him.

If you talk to him first he will minimise this and try to talk you out of being as forthright as you should be with her, or taking it to the police (which you should do) because I suspect he and this woman are romantically involved. Hence spending time together when DS visits his dad and watching tv together, and hence why ex gave DS's number to her. I suspect ex and the woman are playing happy families together, with your son playing some sort of unsuspecting role.

BrendaandEddie · 28/11/2015 08:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TheStoic · 28/11/2015 08:38

Unless you say what it is triggering its pointless

Going by the theme of the thread, wouldn't that be fairly easy to work out?

flanjabelle · 28/11/2015 08:41

Wow what a lovely post Brenda. I would have thought the context would be clear from the subject of the thread and as the details in what I posted are upsetting I think it was fair to give some warning.

Your tone is pretty crap, and I have noticed that it's not the first time. I don't like your comment about being traumatised by sexual abuse, it comes across as dismissive and patronising. I hope that is not how you intended to come across, so perhaps you should review your posting style.

Singsongsungagain · 28/11/2015 08:45

I don't think going to the police is overkill at all. If they think all is fine then they won't pursue it. If you speak to the woman and block her number you can't guarantee that she won't find other ways to access your son, if that is her intent.

The texts are totally wrong. Don't downplay them- act now and be willing to be wrong, because if you're right and you ignore it, the consequences could be something you always regret.
Good luck OP.

BrendaandEddie · 28/11/2015 08:47

yes but you wouldnt READ a thread about potential grooming and then be surprised if there was info in it that might upset you.

BrendaandEddie · 28/11/2015 08:48

flanjabelle

thanks for the tips on how to use Mumsnet Wink

Singsongsungagain · 28/11/2015 08:49

Do you think it was necessary to point that out to a woman who had just told her dp's story Brenda?

BrendaandEddie · 28/11/2015 08:50

i don't agree with the trend of posting ' triggering'.

flanjabelle · 28/11/2015 08:51

Brenda You don't know that for sure. I would rather put a quick warning in my post when including upsetting details just in case. there is a big difference between a thread about a woman contacting an underage boy and a post with details of sexual abuse. You don't get to decide what an abuse survivor decides to read, and I personally would not want to cause any further upset. I really don't get why you have decided to pick at this, you are coming across as a GF to be honest.

BrendaandEddie · 28/11/2015 08:55

whatever waves hands with personal attacks

Where does the hierarchy of triggering end though? Are we all really so emotionally fragile that we can't self censor?

flanjabelle · 28/11/2015 08:56

As someone who has been with an abuse survivor, I have seen the effect of triggers. The smell of her perfume, the woman who looks like her from behind, the songs on the radio, if I do something 'wrong' in the bedroom, so no I wouldn't want to be the cause of someone else feeling that pain.

There may well be men who read these threads because they want to know if what happened to them is abuse. Female on male sexual abuse is not as understood as the reverse. there is less understanding and support. Many men never speak up. I will continue to use a trigger warning if I want to, and again I find your attitude very unpleasant Brenda.

TheStoic · 28/11/2015 08:57

Move on, Brenda. Perhaps start a new thread.

BrendaandEddie · 28/11/2015 08:58

You might just have to live with that.

FellOutOfBedTwice · 28/11/2015 09:01

My feeling here is that she's involved with your ex and is trying to be a cool stepmum but as a girl who was groomed by a man- my teacher who used to email me from the age of 13 and who got into my head then started having sex with me when I was 16 and fucked me up royally- I would say you can't be too careful.

Buxtonstill · 28/11/2015 09:42

I used to work for a child's helpline. It shocked me beyond words how many women were abusing children. Not saying this woman is, but it goes on much more than you think.

MuttonWasAGoose · 28/11/2015 10:14

I had a blog about a particular thing. There's an eleven year old boy who is a bit of a prodigy at this thing. He has a YouTube channel and does interviews with well-known artists. I met him and his father at a gathering of enthusiasts and asked the boy, in front of his father, if he'd write the occasional thing for my blog.

I made a point of cc'ing both of his parents every single email I wrote him.

That's the appropriate way to relate to precocious children who share an interest in something with adults.

kumamon · 28/11/2015 10:44

Dontstopbelievin I don't think the fact that this women doesn't have children is a factor in her not getting how inappropriate this is. I think any sane adult, not any sane parent would get it.

AnnieNoMouse · 28/11/2015 10:47

When my DS was 11 his male teacher (who DS thought was great) did a couple of things that seemed inappropriate - it never occurred to us that that there was anything in his actions that was sinister, we put it down to naivety on the teacher's part. A few months later the teacher confessed to downloading (a lot of, and including at the highest level) child abuse images on his computer.
So while this woman may, at best, be naive you cannot know that and her behaviour does need challenging. Her contact with your son is inappropriate and should be stopped.

AnnieNoMouse · 28/11/2015 10:51

And what I meant to say is that one thing I have learned as a parent is that if my spider senses are tingling that I need to listen to them - they're usually right.

UnGoogleable · 28/11/2015 11:18

I don't have children - but I know this is highly inappropriate and would never do it. YOu don't need to be a parent to know that

fuzzpig · 28/11/2015 12:41

Then it made more sense for my DS to contact him instead - he knows his schedule/homework etc better then me and needs to take responsibility now. The teacher emailed me, asking if I gave my consent for him to be in text contact with DS re the lesson times. He explained that he would never text a child for any reason unless the parents were okay with even simple arrangements for guitar lesson times...
Glad to read that as it's an issue I've been pondering - I've just started giving music lessons, and one of my pupils is in yr10. I currently only have the mum's email/phone in case of cancelling lessons etc.

TesticleOfObjectivity · 28/11/2015 12:59

Women very rarely groom children, the most you hear of them doing is sleeping with a high school boy. So, it's a much, much rarer chance she's targeting your son sexually than if the genders were reversed.

I see what you're saying senpai, but I still think this woman's behaviour is creepy. Why that quote of all quotes? Why initiate texting conversations with a child? I do think it sounds like she's in a relationship with the dad but still, to me sending text messages that come across as flirtatious (because they really do) to an 11 year old is dodgy as fuck. I wouldn't go to the police (nor if it was a man and girl) because they haven't committed a crime as far as I understand it, but I certainly wouldn't let it carry on.