Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be narked a grown woman is texting my 11yo ds?

405 replies

OiledBegg · 27/11/2015 18:30

Myself and my 11yo ds's father are divorced but have a great co-parenting relationship.

Through a hobby, exH is friends with a woman who is in her mid 30s and married. No children.

Ds is also involved with this hobby so has met this woman many times and they get on well and see each other frequently. She bought him a little bday present which I thought was sweet.

For ds's bday a week ago he got his first mobile phone. Mainly to keep in touch with the parent he isn't with that particular weekend, and to get him used to keeping in touch with us ready for when he's older and more independent.

ExH clearly gave this woman ds's number as she's been texting him a few times in the last week.

The first message was some quote from a film/series that I don't know of which was "hey baby, you smell good you been bathing in cupcakes and rainbows again?"

Then he replied, and she text back with "now you have my number you contact me if you need to, about anything at all ok?xxx"

Aibu to find this annoying, and feel kinda undermined as his mother? The other texts are just "morning! Have a good day at school!" and stuff like that.

Also is this even appropriate behaviour? What if ds were a girl and this adult friend were male, surely it'd be majorly off so why is it different that he's a boy?

Or am I being jealous and precious and totally overreacting?

OP posts:
NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 27/11/2015 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrendaandEddie · 27/11/2015 21:32

oh fgs OP of course this is fricking weird

the fact you havent tackled it already is even weirder

EleanorRigsby · 27/11/2015 21:33

MinesAPintOfTea - I stand corrected.
I remember my young kids watching Johnny Bravo sniffing his armpits and us using the scenario amongst the kids' friends - glad to say we didn't get labelled as nonces.

This is all about context - and we don't have the full picture.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 27/11/2015 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AtSea1979 · 27/11/2015 21:38

Not read all the replies but OP you need to deal with this immediately. Definitely wrong. Ring her and tell her she needs to back the fuck off.

MyMoneyIsAllSpent · 27/11/2015 21:38

Wow that is seriously out of order! You really do need to speak to your Ex about this and make sure that it stops immediately. Have you blocked her number from your DSs phone?

I don't think I would let him continue with that hobby either, if she would be present!

Wtfmummy · 27/11/2015 21:40

WTF!!! she needs to back off! This is entirely inappropriate - stamp this out now

Original poster
OiledBegg · 27/11/2015 21:45

They may have watched the cartoon together - exH and this woman are friends and spend a lot of their spare time together so ds may have had this cartoon on when she was over. (I've always thought it odd she spent time with exH considering she's married but each to their own)

OP posts:
HicDraconis · 27/11/2015 21:45

thebest I disagree. If I were going to phone the child about the hobby, I would talk to the child. Obviously his mother would be aware it was me on the phone & I'd probably tell him to say hi to her for me! However it would be to say something like "we're going to X tournament at the weekend, if you want to go let your mum know we'll be there too, have space in car if you need it" type things. It's a very family oriented hobby but his mum doesn't do it.

Actually just checked - he's 13 going on 14. So not quite as young as 11.

He's extremely bright, gets on far better with adults than his peers, has some interesting social / political theories and if he's not careful will end up running the country one day. He & my husband can debate stuff for ages.

VagueIdeas · 27/11/2015 21:46

Whenever there are threads like this, or threads where a poster describes some very unusual or worrying behaviour, there's ALWAYS a poster who constructs a massive detailed and unlikely explanation for said weird behaviour.

I don't know why Mumsnetters do this, but today it was you Eleanor.

I think the OP is better off taking things at face value and trusting her gut. No point wasting energy trying to think of an innocent explanation when it's obviously very inappropriate.

Like previous posters have said, the "have a good day!" texts means she thinks of him often. It's beyond weird.

HemanOrSheRa · 27/11/2015 21:48

As far as Adventure Time goes, if it needs to be mentioned Hmm - DS and me watch it together. It's a niche, cult type thing. A bit weird but kind of has two levels of humour IYKWIM, a bit like Disney/Pixar Inside/Out. It is highly inappropriate for this woman to be texting a 11 year old boy with quotes from the script or to be texting him hoping he has a good day at school.

For what it's worth - DS (10) is (sort of) an only child. DP has lots of good friends who DS considers to be 'Uncles'. There is one in particular, Uncle X, who DS loves, he adores DS and they tell each other that they love each other. DP and I and love Uncle X too and trust him completely. But Uncle X would NEVER contact DS directly because he knows it would be inappropriate. Even though we wouldn't mind. Any contact with DS is made through us.

ClashOfUsernames · 27/11/2015 21:56

Very very odd.
And yes to screenshots!

GinBunny · 27/11/2015 21:58

I've always thought it odd she spent time with exH considering she's married but each to their own

Just because she's married doesn't mean she's being faithful and it seems to me that she wants more from your ex and is using her friendship with your son to get close to him. Others have posted similar OP, what do you think about their relationship? Is it possible OW is a fling, or more?

amarmai · 27/11/2015 21:59

started reading this thread and got interupted but it's on my mind as i think this is a catch 22 . If you text or speak to this woman she has ammunition to use against you with your son and your ex. If you block her on your son's phone=same sit . maybe best to speak to your ex as you have a good coparenting relationship and ask his opinion and also ask him if he gave the # to her . Your son is 11 so soon will be a teenager and they seem to be getting into this difficult phase quicker each generation. the potential for this woman to foster a barrier between you and your son is what is bothering me and so i am advising tread carefully. how wd your son react to your going on his phone and then telling him who to communicate with and who is allowed to text him ? Maybe ask your ex to find out from son in private without disclosing your checking son's phone? The sit is disturbing and has warning bells all over- not just for your son but also for you and your relationship with your son.

Original poster
OiledBegg · 27/11/2015 22:01

They could be, I doubt my exH would get involved with a married woman but there's never really a "type", is there? They are close though, but then he's always been the type to have very close female friends (when he is single) and there be nothing more to it.

OP posts:
Original poster
OiledBegg · 27/11/2015 22:03

amarmai thank you I will certainly bear in mind what you've said about her using this as a barrier between me and Ds, something else to bear in mind.

OP posts:
Bupbupbup · 27/11/2015 22:03

Hi, adventure time is one of those cartoons that adults who think of themselves as coool and down with the kids watch.
They often have cameos from obscure bands or cool writers, celebs. Hipsters love it, some pubs in Camden show it onthemed nights.
Best case scenario she's some deluded woman child going through 'adultescence' and doesn't have a clue how inappropriate she's being.
I would text her and let her know.

Keeptrudging · 27/11/2015 22:10

I wouldn't text her at all. This needs logged somewhere. In child protection issues, the 'groomer' doesn't get a heads - up in order to cover their tracks/get their story straight.

thebestfurchinchilla · 27/11/2015 22:12

hidraconis I'd be very careful if I were you. You really shouldn't be contacting a child without going through parents first. it's inappropriate and unprofessional from a leader/coach position.

laundryeverywhere · 27/11/2015 22:31

My dd likes adventure time, it is funny, and I did recognize the quote. Of course you can't say for sure that she isn't just trying to be down with the kids, but it's best to be on the safe side and make sure she stops with the inappropriate contact. Your ds isn't going to miss out by not having her as a friend, even if it is totally innocent and she is just a bit naive or foolish.

Tapirs · 27/11/2015 22:35

Hic's in NZ where they are more relaxed about this stuff. They also have a high level of domestic/child abuse that they are trying to tackle. That's not a comment about Hic or her actions at all. It's just that NZ isn't the UK so it's a different context and it's not going to be helpful to have a thread hijack about it. Sorry if I've overstepped the mark but I know a bit about both places and Hic is a goodun.

HicDraconis · 27/11/2015 22:38

thebest I am neither leader nor coach! The child is senior to me in the hobby by some years (& I have to do as he instructs in class!)

I think the reason my situation is different is that the child is a family friend, I'm just the only one that has FB. His mother is well aware of her son's online activity and looking back, all messages regarding the hobby have been initiated by him - as in "are you going to X? Mum doesn't want me to go on my own, can I meet up with you guys at the entrance". I've sent 2 - one happy birthday, one wishing him luck at a new school at a tricky time in his life. All other messages I posted to his FB wall.

If it makes a difference, he was a girl when I first met him and is now transitioning.

And as I said, I would never ever have sent anything like the opening quote. In joke between people who watch the series or not. And it's not the sort of friendship where we have "in jokes" anyway, that wouldn't be right.

Tapirs · 27/11/2015 22:40

Hmm. You know when you hit Post and immediately wish you hadn't. BlushSad

HicDraconis · 27/11/2015 22:43

Sorry Tapirs - didn't mean to hijack. Yes we're in NZ so I appreciate attitudes may well be different here. Just that the OP struck me as something in which my experience / situation could have been twisted (would have to be very heavily distorted mind you!) to be very similar.

However - apologies again for hijacking.

OP - regardless of this woman's motives, the messages are something you are not comfortable with. At 11 your son is likely to be defensive of any and all of his behaviours (if my almost10 is anything to go by!) - you're better off talking with your ex I would think.

thebestfurchinchilla · 27/11/2015 22:44

I meant what I said in a 'watch your back' way. I work with children and you have to be so careful, never be in a room alone with a child etc to protect yourself swell as the child. Obviously I know nothing about you, the child or the situation but personally, if you could avoid direct contact I think it would be best all round and wouldn't affect you at all.