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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be narked a grown woman is texting my 11yo ds?

405 replies

OiledBegg · 27/11/2015 18:30

Myself and my 11yo ds's father are divorced but have a great co-parenting relationship.

Through a hobby, exH is friends with a woman who is in her mid 30s and married. No children.

Ds is also involved with this hobby so has met this woman many times and they get on well and see each other frequently. She bought him a little bday present which I thought was sweet.

For ds's bday a week ago he got his first mobile phone. Mainly to keep in touch with the parent he isn't with that particular weekend, and to get him used to keeping in touch with us ready for when he's older and more independent.

ExH clearly gave this woman ds's number as she's been texting him a few times in the last week.

The first message was some quote from a film/series that I don't know of which was "hey baby, you smell good you been bathing in cupcakes and rainbows again?"

Then he replied, and she text back with "now you have my number you contact me if you need to, about anything at all ok?xxx"

Aibu to find this annoying, and feel kinda undermined as his mother? The other texts are just "morning! Have a good day at school!" and stuff like that.

Also is this even appropriate behaviour? What if ds were a girl and this adult friend were male, surely it'd be majorly off so why is it different that he's a boy?

Or am I being jealous and precious and totally overreacting?

OP posts:
user838383 · 28/11/2015 13:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Baconyum · 28/11/2015 13:41

"Women very rarely groom children, the most you hear of them doing is sleeping with a high school boy. So, it's a much, much rarer chance she's targeting your son sexually than if the genders were reversed."

I'm ex cp worked plus a survivor plus male friends that are survivors.

1 its not very rare its just much less reported.

Because as a society we don't believe women 'can do this' or that they don't think or feel that way.

Because boys are even more expected to fight back or defend themselves than girls (and its bad enough for girls)

Because boys are less likely to report as they're ashamed they didn't 'man up' and defend themselves or get called gay (if the woman's attractive especially) etc.

2 Why do you think sleeping with a high school boy is acceptable? Why are they not just as much victims as a high school girl that's been groomed by a much older man? It is JUST as traumatic JUST as damaging AND just as illegal!

3 women groomers are actually scarier as they're more likely to get away with it (and they know this) and tend to target very young (3-5 yr olds) or later teens (13-15 as they know people will think along the lines of 'well horny teen boys.. ' 'well he's almost old enough anyway')

OP I'm actually thinking the reverse to those saying she's using son to suck up to ex, I'm not concerned she's also grooming ex to increase access to son.

1 the quote from a TV show - 'I'm cooler than your parents they'll never really understand you', establishing a rapport and common interests. Extremely common tactic by paedophiles. They find out 'what the kids are into' and research it.

2 daily contact - increasing their perceived importance and presence in your child's life.

No no no!

Tbh if I were in your position I would have

Immediately told her she was out of order and not to contact DS again.

Blocked her.

Spoken to ex making it clear she had behaved inappropriately and that i would not want her left alone with DS.

Notified police as she may already be of interest to them.

Spoken to DS about the fact that it was inappropriate behaviour and to tell you if any adult ever does this again.

Baconyum · 28/11/2015 13:44

I'm more concerned that should say.

Female paedophiles also get MUCH lighter sentences and rarely custodial ones. If you read in the press of one getting a custodial sentence its usually because their was some kind of violence involved.

Flumplet · 28/11/2015 13:51

No no no. I'd be putting a stop to that straight away. Inappropriate covers it completely. I wouldn't be worried about offending or hurting her feelings either. Your child's safety is paramount. Good luck op, let us know if you need any more help.

FattyNinjaOwl · 28/11/2015 13:56

I completely agree with everything baconyum has said.
This isnt right. Her behaviour is very odd.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 28/11/2015 14:17

I think this is key
Eleanor even if they are using it innocently, she is lowering his boundaries on this sort of thing.

Even if she has no evil intent, it is inappropriate. And it is normalising this kind of behaviour in your son's mibd. Thus making him more vulnerable to inappropriate behaviour from other adults.

It is not a case of this behaviour is ok from some adults as long as we have no reason to believe that they are a paedophile. It is not ok from any adult in case someday they encounter someone eho is groom8ng them.

Shockers · 28/11/2015 14:22

An ex boyfriend of mine was groomed for a sexual relationship by a friend of his mother.

She started having sex with him when he was 13. She was a wealthy, MC, attractive woman who bought him lots of presents. His mother found out, forbade him to go anywhere near her again and cut herself off from the friend.

The police were never involved.

Baconyum · 28/11/2015 14:32

Shockers I have heard similar stories more times than I'd ever wish. It's far more common than people realise. Those that give it 'there isn't a paedophile on every corner' would be shocked if they knew the real stats. Every corner is UNDERestimating if anything!

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 28/11/2015 15:03

It doesn't matter that it's a quote from a cartoon.

It doesn't matter if it's innocent.

It doesn't matter what the woman's motives are.

What matters is, it's inappropriate and it needs to stop.

SongOfTheLark · 28/11/2015 15:11

Without reading the rest of the thread if a man was texting my daughter those exact messages (DD is 8 but 11 is no different) the messages would be screenshot to show ex, his number would be blocked and DD and I would need to have a serious chat about inappropriate "friendships". I dont see why its any different because shes a woman and this is a young boy. I'd be telling my ex as calmly as possible and hopefully he would agree.

That quote seems very very wrong imo and I wouldnt dream of telling a child who I know very well that they can come and talk to me about anything. Not at 11 years old anyway. I'be encouraging them to talk to either of their parents.

skybl00 · 28/11/2015 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Shockers · 28/11/2015 15:22

Helpful? Confused

fuzzpig · 28/11/2015 15:31

Wow MNHQ got there fast.

Fyaral · 28/11/2015 15:37

Very inappropriate.

Casperthefriendlyspook · 28/11/2015 15:39

This rings all sorts of alarm bells for me. My kids are much younger, but the older sister of a school friend of mine groomed a 10 year old locally in a very similar way. My friend was obviously hugely upset by this when it all came out, so I know it's true - she told me the full story herself.

Her sister was a married mum of 3 in her 30s, and this boy was the son of one of her friends. The boy's mum was a single parent, and the groomer helped out with his babysitting/childcare to 'help her friend out'. It started with texts, offering support, etc., and ended when he told his mum that she'd given him manual stimulation, and shown him her breasts. This was over about a 9 month period.

Thankfully he told his mother, and she did something about it. The groomer was charged, she eventually admitted it, and is now on the sex offenders register. He had a lot of psychological intervention, and the family moved away, to understandably, make a fresh strart. It ruined so many lives.

Please ask the questions now. It might be nothing, but it might not be.

Gruntfuttock · 28/11/2015 15:42

Can anyone please give a hint re. the deleted post?

fuzzpig · 28/11/2015 15:45

Seedy, nasty comment. Got an email from MNHQ and they said they've 'banned the troll' so not sure if they had form.

IwishIwasinNewYork · 28/11/2015 15:46

I think it best people don't hint or repeat Grunt tbh.

Jasonandyawegunorts · 28/11/2015 15:47

Can anyone please give a hint re. the deleted post?

Nasty comment about the 9 year old.

purplefizz26 · 28/11/2015 15:52

It is inappropriate.

Having the number stored for emergencies/hobby related stuff is one thing, but the messages you have described sound odd to me!

It's no different than if was a man contacting a young girl, but people sometimes seem more laid back when it's a woman in these situations.

However innocent it probably is, it's just not appropriate. What does an adult get out of texting a kid they don't know particularly well?

I would have a word, block the number and keep an eye on the phone.

AnotherTimeMaybe · 28/11/2015 15:56

Women very rarely groom children, the most you hear of them doing is sleeping with a high school boy. So, it's a much, much rarer chance she's targeting your son sexually than if the genders were reversed.

Problem is that women are often grooming on behalf of other pedophiles!

goodnightdarthvader1 · 28/11/2015 15:59

Has the OP even been back?

Original poster
OiledBegg · 28/11/2015 16:16

Thanks everyone and I value your views on this. I've spent today talking with my family about the issue and they all agree it is odd. I have contacted ds Dad to have an urgent chat with him, I'm taking a previous posters advice and not going to be accusing re him giving her ds's number, but keep him on side and just raise it as a concern and get his views. Chances are there is no sexual intent there (but you never know) but it's still very weird. Why text in the morning, it's almost like what the first person she thinks about or something, yuck.

OP posts:
Utterlyclueless · 28/11/2015 16:20

Inappropriate to be texting an 11 year old completely but ignoring that if you was daft enough to text an 11 year old with a quote why choose such a flirty quote?

Adventure time is a very very quotable programme with more appropriate things for her to say it's like she has specifically chosen the creepiest?

Those saying it's just a silly quote from a silly programme,
1 - it's not a normal quote it's creepy it's flirty And it appears to be out the blue
2- it's my just texts about adventure time she's clearly thinking about OPs son an awful lot
3 - there is no reason for her to be texting him at all, he attends the hobby with his father, she has no children so why would she need his number? If she needs details about going to wherever the hobby takes place contact the dad not the son!

PHANTOMnamechanger · 28/11/2015 16:31

Talk to your ex first. If he can see how worried you are that this might be something sinister, that would be his cue to fess up if they are in fact having an affair and she is just trying to be friendly to your son (though in that case, extremely poor choice of quote to use as it comes over very yukky, and very bad form that she wants to be his confidant)

If he is NOT having an affair with her, and does not even think she has a things for him, then I would be tempted to swap your childs phone, and monitor the texts for a while, rather than warn her off outright.Just to see if it does develop and does need reporting. MAybe just reply in very bland terms posing as your son. If anything strikes you as grooming then you have evidence that woud help the police.

I work in a safeguarding role in a church. we are NOT allowed to have the teens on our fb or to text them - all contact is via parents. We had to fill in a consent form for DDs teacher to be able to send her text alerts about changes to choir and orchestra.