To think Stay-at-Home Mum does NOT equal Stay-at-Home Cleaner?!

[SlinkyB]

Just had a shouting match with DH as he was pissed off I suggested we take it in turns to do some long-arm cleaning jobs this weekend, whilst the other looks after the kids.

He works full-time in a local office. I'm a SAHM to a 22mo and 4yo, who's just started school.

During the week I do all school runs, food shopping, cooking, vacuuming, dusting, washing up/dishwasher, change bedding, all laundry and 50% of the ironing.

I do not have time to do stuff like cleaning the oven, deep cleaning bathrooms (x2) or bedrooms (x4) or conservatory.

I think we should share those jobs. He wants me to do them whilst he takes ds1 to the cinema Said "SAHM goes hand-in-hand with cleaning".

Last time I checked, my name wasn't fucking Cinderella

I think there's far too much cleaning going on, leave it be.

Clean kitchen floor once a week.
Hoover downstairs daily, upstairs once weekly.
Wipe toilets and bathrooms down as you use them.
Clean toilets once a week, bathrooms once fortnight.
Keep tidy so cleaning is done quicker.

I agree Newlife!

That said, I do hoover behind the sofas every couple of weeks. When they were little my children thought this was the most fun ever. You sit on the sofa as it gets pushed across the room and scream with laughter. Then when mummy takes the cushions off to hoover up any crumbs underneath, you can use the cushions as a crash mat. You can then turn the cushions and the cushion-less sofa into a den and play in it for hours on end whilst mummy does the rest of the housework.

Sometimes weekends need to be spent doing boring things. Deep cleaning isnt one of them in my book. Decorating, house maintaince etc.

Hoover daily

I know this is missing the point of the thread but I use Oven Pride on my oven about every 2 months. I just squirt it on at night (takes about 3 minutes) then wipe/rinse off in the morning (takes about 10 mins).

I cannot clean at all with my 2 dc about (3 and 1). It's dependant on what type of children you have really, so there is no definitive 'you can/can't do it'. Also I spend the time doing things with the children mostly out of the house, which is what both DH and I want, rather than me cleaning (even if i could). On Saturday DH takes the dc out for 3 hours while i blitz the house (and some Saturdays he doesn't and we all go out together and no cleaning gets done that week). No cleaning gets done in the week generally. I shop and cook and do dishwasher and laundry to keep the house ticking over.

DH taking the boys out for 3 hours to soft play on a Saturday while i clean is no real difference to me taking them to soft play for 3 hours on a Thursday while he is at work. We are both still 'working' on all those occasions - some more enjoyable than others i suppose. But personally after 5 days of doing activities with them all day I look forward to 3 hours of cleaning alone and I think spending time with just their Dad is more important than being with me again while he does it.

However, DH has never expected me to do any cleaning ever. I do it if i want to.

MrsKoala

Our home is also a business, so it needs it tbh.
I don't dust much at all, but dh does.
No small dc neither, so doesn't take long.
3 adults and dd during hols, weekends etc.
Loads of visitors and family too.
It's never quiet here

Gah, I wrote a long reply out late last night but our Internet is dodgy and I lost it before it posted

Update: came home with kids at around 18.00hrs last night to find dh upstairs frantically vacuuming, dusting and steam mopping! I nearly fainted. He said he was sorry for being an arsehole in the morning, and was happy to do 45mins cleaning last night after work so we didn't have any to do on the weekend We then had a good, long, calm discussion last night about expectations and how we deal with things.

Oh, and I would never demand anything of anyone; as stated in the OP, I merely suggested we both took it in turns to spend 45mins cleaning this weekend (certainly not every weekend!!). That's 45mins, per person in TOTAL one weekend. I might suggest we do this once a month?

I think the problem was that he'd not done any cleaning for weeks, and he was starting to slip into taking-me-for-granted mode. I will not ever tolerate him expecting to do ALL the cleaning, as I know when I return to work, I will still end up doing it all. He has always helped to keep our house clean and tidy.

Thanks to everyone who posted (esp for those correcting people who were mis-quoting me! I thought my OP was quite clear). Seems a real 50/50 split on whether I was being U.

Seems I also need to become more effective and efficient with my cleaning, and drop my standards a little.

Oh, and I know a lot of you will wince at this, but no I don't have any control over finances. We have separate bank accounts, and he pays me every couple of weeks. We don't have a joint account and I don't have access to his accounts. Worked for us so far tho?! (We are married, and my name is on the mortgage).

I don't understand why you made it up either nicestrongtea, but you certainly didn't get it from the OP. I notice you're trying to move the goalposts by using the word 'suggested' now, but that wasn't in your original claim.

Oh sorry nicestrongtea - I used the wrong word. You didn't say I was demanding my husband do some cleaning, you said I was dictating, which is probably worse! Just to clarify, I don't demand or dictate to him, just ask for help now and again.

Sounds like a decent outcome OP, but I would strongly advise you to get more involved and knowledgeable on the finances. Even if you really can trust him with your life and there's absolutely no risk whatsoever of financial abuse, you need to know in case something happens to him and you have to take over.

I second what sheba says about getting up to speed with finances. Things can happen. Illness, a car crash - you need to be able to cope. A friend of mine was in the same boat as you and her DH had a major stroke - she suddenly had to do everything and it made a dreadful situation worse. So glad your DH has seen sense though.

I'm glad to hear that he has apologised.
I do agree with the pp that you need yo be more involved in your own financial affairs. As a sahp you are very vulnerable if you ever break up. I'm not saying it will happen but it's not unheard of either. A sensible person makes sure they can access the family money, and it is yours as much as his. He woh and you work within it.
I think separate finances are fine if both partners have their own income, not so much for sahp!
Also, if he died, you could be in the position of having no access to money - his accounts would be frozen. Not a position you would want to be in.

Sorry if I was being an arse in criticising you earlier. I'm glad you took it well especially in looking at how to get it done faster and more importantly maybe it's your standards being too high. If you do plan to go back to work, get a cleaner. No buts and no ifs from your DH. Your work brings in extra nice stuff like cleaners. DH and I work full time and we don't spend 45min in the weekend cleaning. Not even once a month. We do the dishes, cooking and laundry. Remeber if you treat it like 'work', then you set realistic goals on what can be accomplished and prioritise. Look at how to improve effeciency. It's important as you can never finiah everything people demand of you.

And as for finances, you know what a lot of us will say. I control all the finances at home. Everything paid into joint account, bills all paid from it. I have a budget on YNAB. And DH and I get fun money after all been budgeted for. I think it's essential for women to take control of finance especially SAHM. You are more vulnerable. (Maybe those who earn a lot less than their DH too).

And the money froze when he died is a very valid problem. That's why DH has the cards to the joint account even though I plan the finances. He knows to use that only for groceries and day outs with the girls.

I love YNAB. Just saying.

I work full time and long hours and my DH is a SAHP. To be honest I expect honest I expect him to do all the cooking, cleaning, school runs, household chores and so on. Our DCs are school age so he gets down time in the week to go and exercise and whatever else he wants to do but I do expect everything else to be.sorted out. I'm not going to be sorting stuff out on the weekends he can do in the week while he dcs are at school. That said, if he wanted to work I would (and have) shared the household stuff 50:50.

Sorry for typos etc on phone and fat fingers!

I agree with you Paperplain but the OP's youngest is not school-aged.

But the child is 22mo. If my DH is SAH, I expect him to do all the cleaning, cooking etc. I did when I was on maternity last year, with a 4yo (not at school yet) and a baby. It's not difficult. I never end up with housework in the evenings and weekends.

I'm out of the house from 7 till 5.30. I'd be very annoyed if my SAHP (if I had one) couldn't manage to do the housework in that time. Working is very very tiring compared to looking after children. Don't tell me otherwise because I just finished my 1 year maternity in September with 2 preschoolers. It's a doodle compared to working.

Just get a cleaner - why does DH have to agree as he is the one who won't help out.

Please don't tell me you have to ask DH before you spend anything...

FFS, this is spouted every time like some kind of holy grail.

Cleaners are great I'm sure (I know I'd love one), but it is NOT affordable for everyone and the £25+ weekly is not an insignificant expense. It's absolutely something that should be discussed with your OH before spending the money (no matter who is earning it), just like any other large expenditure.

I'm stunned at the number of posters who seem to think 'doing what you like to spite your partner' amounts to good advice.

Clearly the OP and her DH have managed to reach an agreement, by, you know, talking. Like actual adults.

personally i would just let him go to the cinema with kids and get on with jobs .but thats me .next week leave him with kids again then have a nice day out

So the "longarm" jobs that you are too busy or are too difficult to do now suddenly equal 45 minutes of routine cleaning

Glad your DH is doing his share but blimey he must be good if he can do 4x bedroom deep cleans ,2 x bathrooms and a cooker in 45 minutes
Can you send him over ?

I also agree that its preferable if you are a SAHM to have a good idea of the finances ,particularly if SAH is going to be a long term thing and him paying you isn't great.

We have a joint account, joint savings and separate savings.
I also have an account where my extra earnings go for days out and treats.

HeadDreamer- How did you get the ironing done? I'm a SAHM and it's the ironing that builds up in our house. Even with a very biddable toddler (which I don't have) surely it's never safe to iron with one in the room?
I do 95% of the housework. Dp does bits of gardening and washes up every now and then. I do what I can during the day but it is stuff like ironing, shifting furniture, cleaning our room (which isn't toddler proof) and the bathroom that gets left. I think we should share the "can't do in the day stuff" more. There is a huge pile of ironing that needs doing at the moment and I don't see why I should do it all in the evening after a full day with the kids, cooking a meal and washing up after it-it would just seem a bit to have me doing ironing whilst he sits watching tv. It should be split.

I know you weren't asking me but really does all that stuff need ironing ?

Childrens clothes can be tumbled dried and folded or hung up while still warm, also jeans, tshirts etc.

Its all in the timing!
Pounce on the drier the minute its finished and quickly sort it out but saves hours on ironing, childrens clothes are usually soft jersey fabric anyway.
DH does his own shirts.

It's mainly shirts (dps) and tops (mine) with a few bits of kids stuff- nicer tops but not lounging about stuff. Our dryer is in a basement so it's hard to get there in time! It is easier with a dryer though.