Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think Stay-at-Home Mum does NOT equal Stay-at-Home Cleaner?!

302 replies

SlinkyB · 26/11/2015 08:24

Just had a shouting match with DH as he was pissed off I suggested we take it in turns to do some long-arm cleaning jobs this weekend, whilst the other looks after the kids.

He works full-time in a local office. I'm a SAHM to a 22mo and 4yo, who's just started school.

During the week I do all school runs, food shopping, cooking, vacuuming, dusting, washing up/dishwasher, change bedding, all laundry and 50% of the ironing.

I do not have time to do stuff like cleaning the oven, deep cleaning bathrooms (x2) or bedrooms (x4) or conservatory.

I think we should share those jobs. He wants me to do them whilst he takes ds1 to the cinema Hmm Said "SAHM goes hand-in-hand with cleaning".

Last time I checked, my name wasn't fucking Cinderella Angry

OP posts:
nicestrongtea · 26/11/2015 19:27

I think the problem is the OP is dictating to her DH that weekend is going to be spent doing "longarm" (wtf!) chores.
Seriously!!! 40 hrs a week at work and oh you are going to do boring jobs all weekend.
Why is it anymore difficult to move the sofa and hoover behind it than not ???
I have severe spinal problems and I just shove the sofa out with my arse and hoover behind it.
I do agree that at weekends cooking, clearing up, childcare should be 50/50 but if you are at home just get on with it.
I dont agree that if you SAH its all education and entertaining DC- they need to see you doing normal everyday stuff, its just as valuable as all the "education"

Ethylred · 26/11/2015 19:38

Maybe your DH is trying to tell you that all this cleaning is insane unnecessary. (Deep cleaning? What is that? A bit of hoovering, a spot of bleach in the baths and lavatories, and, if the oven needs it, which is maybe three times a year, then turn on its cleaning program.)

Ragwort · 26/11/2015 19:54

Tend to agree with Ethylred - it does sound as though you are doing an excessive amount of cleaning, I was a SAHM for years and my life was much, much easier than my DH's. I rarely spent more than half an hour a day on 'cleaning', including laundry etc. I tend to judge who has the most 'leisure time' and as a SAHM I had loads more. Grin. I guess it depends how demanding your children are.

LetGoOrBeDragged · 26/11/2015 20:03

I swear that some of the posters on here can't read!
All the OP is asking for is some help with leftover, bigger jobs that she cannot easily do while looking after the dc. She is NOT expecting him to do all the housework, while she sits on her arse, eating chocolates!

And it's all very well for posters to say that they shove the sofa out of the way with their arse and hoover - maybe she owns a heavy monstrosity of a sofa like I do that requires lifting by two people.

Whether she can do it alone is beside the point - her h should help her because it is his house too. He doesn't even work massively long hours - he just thinks this is all her responsibility.

Mintyy · 26/11/2015 20:12

"I swear that some of the posters on here can't read!"

You said it LetGo!

What on earth do the posters coming up with drivel like "I think its fair to do most of the housework if you sah and your dh is providing for you" think op is doing?

It is in the opening fucking post: During the week I do all school runs, food shopping, cooking, vacuuming, dusting, washing up/dishwasher, change bedding, all laundry and 50% of the ironing

If that isn't most of the housework then wtf?

nicestrongtea · 26/11/2015 20:15

I can read fine thank you ! Hmm
OK reverse it .
The DH dictates to his wife they are going to spend the weekend doing "long arm" chores. Dont see her skipping with joy !

I have massive sofas - stop being so pathetic.

He cant win - so the weekend is going to be spent doing chores one way or another - how utterly dull and miserable for everyone, just do it properly in the first place !
As I said, weekends everyone pitches in with CC, cooking, clearing up etc.
Its the dictating that's the problem.

Writerwannabe83 · 26/11/2015 20:15

Bloody hell, I would go mad if my DH said that to me.

I'm not a SAHM but my full time hours are worked over 3 days so I have 4 days when I'm home with DS.

During the days I'm at home with him I make sure all the washing up is done, the living room is hoovered, the washing had been done and the kitchen looks generally tidy.

Maybe once a week I do the polishing and maybe once every 10-12 days I clean the kitchen floor.

Me and DH share the cleaning of the bathroom (x2 and a downstairs toilet) and 3-4 nights a week he will cook the dinner when he gets home from work.

On the 4 days I'm at home me and DH always do bedtime routine together.

On the 3 days I'm at work my DH sees to DS, gets his dinner ready and puts him to bed etc as I don't get home until 9pm. My DH will always wash up and generally clean the kitchen before I get home.

My DH also does the big food shop every weekend.

We put aside one weekend a month where we do the 'big jobs' where he does some whilst I look after DS and then we swap.

We have a cleaner that comes once a fortnight just to give me some respite Grin

My DH is by no means perfect, but then nor am I, but in general I think we have an equal set-up.

nicestrongtea · 26/11/2015 20:20

Mintyy that's the point !
The OP is creating jobs just to get back at her DH.
I don't think I have ever "deep cleaned" my bedroom- I just clean it every week!
Clean linen, clean wooden floor and skirting, behind and under bed, windows, surfaces, put away clean laundry.
What have I missed ??

Mintyy · 26/11/2015 20:20

Erm, no, op didn't dictate anything to her dh. You cannot read, it is confirmed!

merrymouse · 26/11/2015 20:28

I don't think the OP wants to do chores every weekend - she just wants some help this weekend to catch up with a few things that it's difficult to do with a toddler in tow. Seems perfectly reasonable to me.

Everyone's house is different, but I'm sure everyone has things that need to be done infrequently.

FannyTheChampionOfTheWorld · 26/11/2015 20:47

That's not a reverse nicestrongtea, it's something you made up.

nicestrongtea · 26/11/2015 21:06

Eh??
I don't understand why I made it up ???- I didn't!
If a man suggested/dictated they/she did chores all weekend there would be uproar!

I fully agree that dinner/bath/bedtime during the week etc should be shared and all chores relating to the weekend - cooking, clearing up etc.
I don't agree that after working 40hrs a week ,one partner gets to tell the other that the weekend should be about deep cleaning without much compromise.

merrymouse · 26/11/2015 21:21

If a man suggested/dictated they/she did chores all weekend there would be uproar!

But she didn't did she? From the OP she has just suggested that they take turns cleaning this weekend so that they can do the jobs that it is difficult to get round to when you have pre-school children. That doesn't mean she wants either of them to spend every weekend cleaning.

nicestrongtea · 26/11/2015 21:30

All weekend referred to this weekend - I would have stated every weekend if I meant every weekend !

Mintyy · 26/11/2015 21:35

Well, how about op's dh just steps up and shares some chores THIS weekend then nicestrongtea. It won't kill him will it?

nicestrongtea · 26/11/2015 21:39

I agree that chores should be shared at the weekends Mintyy

I don't agree that the SAHM gets to dictate to her DH what they should be.
A discussion about what the weekend entails would be the ideal.
Happy days Smile

mrsjanedoe · 26/11/2015 21:45

someone who works full time doesn't want to clean bedrooms/ bathroom/ oven/ conservatory at the weekend but want to take his kid to the cinema instead.

Time spending with own kids versus cleaning! Not time spent drinking with mates, time spending with own child!

Cue uproar against women slavery/ and this one is magical OP's husband does not respect her and she is afraid of him. You need to get back to work ASAP before your confidence starts grinding down

who's being completely unreasonable here.

nicestrongtea · 26/11/2015 21:54

Thank god for that mrs
I love the way the OP has no time to do it but magically her DH who works out of the home for 40 plus hours must !

merrymouse · 26/11/2015 21:55

Where does the OP say this will take all weekend?

Philoslothy · 26/11/2015 21:58

My husband would never demand that I did housework and once he is home we share whatever needs doing. However I get most of the housework done and have far more leisure time than my husband

merrymouse · 26/11/2015 22:02

The OP has not said she has no time to clean, just that some household jobs can't be done while you are looking after little children. What is odd about that? I can think of loads of things that it is easier to do without the 'help' of a 22 month old. How is she supposed to communicate what she thinks needs to be done if not by suggesting what she thinks needs to be done? It's not even as though she has said her DH should do everything - the argument has arisen because he has refused to do anything, purely on the basis that it is 'cleaning'.

Philoslothy · 26/11/2015 22:05

Her DH should not refuse, I am not saying that. My DH does equal chores out of working hours to me but there is not much left to do. That does not mean our marriage is in trouble, that he is abusive or that I am downtrodden. I think part of being a SAHP is running the home

merrymouse · 26/11/2015 22:06

someone who works full time doesn't want to clean bedrooms/ bathroom/ oven/ conservatory at the weekend but want to take his kid to the cinema instead.

And yet sadly those of us who work full time and do not have household staff (most people who aren't the queen or Richard Branson, I assume), do have to do boring chores at the weekend, whether that is paperwork, gardening, diy, car maintenance or cleaning. Many of these things are quicker and safer to accomplish without a toddler.

itsmeohlord · 26/11/2015 22:07

Just get a cleaner - why does DH have to agree as he is the one who won't help out.

Please don't tell me you have to ask DH before you spend anything....

AmeliaNeedsHelp · 26/11/2015 22:15

I work full time and don't want to spend evenings / weekends cleaning. But (like many people) I'm going to spend this weekend doing it. Its annoying and its crap and I'd rather spend time doing something else. But it has to be done. So guess what, I'm gonna do it.

When you're a WOHP with a DP who is a SAHP you get to know that your DC are taken care of by someone who loves them very much, you get to know that you won't have to deal with illness / middle of the night wake ups, you get to choose when you take holidays to suit the family rather than jiggle your time to make sure childcare is covered for 6 weeks in the summer, you get confidence that your career will not be hampered in any way by having DC. You do not, however, get to ignore the fact that as a fully grown adult you generate some mess and you have to deal with that (though you deal with it less than you would if your DP was WOH or if you were single).

But maybe I'm coming at this from the wrong perspective. I have DM who's primary reason for SAH was childcare, not so that her DP could have a 1950s housewife.