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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think Stay-at-Home Mum does NOT equal Stay-at-Home Cleaner?!

302 replies

SlinkyB · 26/11/2015 08:24

Just had a shouting match with DH as he was pissed off I suggested we take it in turns to do some long-arm cleaning jobs this weekend, whilst the other looks after the kids.

He works full-time in a local office. I'm a SAHM to a 22mo and 4yo, who's just started school.

During the week I do all school runs, food shopping, cooking, vacuuming, dusting, washing up/dishwasher, change bedding, all laundry and 50% of the ironing.

I do not have time to do stuff like cleaning the oven, deep cleaning bathrooms (x2) or bedrooms (x4) or conservatory.

I think we should share those jobs. He wants me to do them whilst he takes ds1 to the cinema Hmm Said "SAHM goes hand-in-hand with cleaning".

Last time I checked, my name wasn't fucking Cinderella Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
SlinkyB · 27/11/2015 13:36

HeadDreamer working is very very tiring compared to looking after children !! What a massively sweeping statement! So many variables here; depends on the job, the children, their ages, other activities etc etc In my case, dh has been in the same desk job 20 years and finds it relatively easy. I find some days I barely sit down and am run ragged (others, not so). When I worked three days a week and both kids were in childcare, I found that easier. Everyone is different.

nicestrong - yup, my dh is a machine when it comes to housework! Far more efficient than me, plus he had the house to himself (so no distractions). He's nowhere near as thorough as me though (doesn't move things when dusting or vacuuming, doesn't "see" a lot of the dirt and dust I do after he's finished).

Glad someone else has sense to see that employing a cleaner should be a joint decision. I will definitely be getting one when I'm earning again, just because I hate cleaning.

Will take on board what you are all saying about getting involved in finances in some way. I'm terrible with money, but agree I at least need to know about accounts, and have access if dh drops dead (he has amazing life insurance, I know that much).

Must do our wills, too.

OP posts:
WoodHeaven · 27/11/2015 15:05

HeadDreamer sorry oit's a doodle to looking after two children compare to work FOR YOU.
Don't generalise your exerience to everyone else. If you are just a tiny tiny bit more careful, you will see that for a lot of people, actually the opposite happens (I was one of them. I can promise you that my under pressure work involving lots of travelling at stupid hours was easier)

Original poster
SlinkyB · 27/11/2015 15:39

Envious of those with tumble driers btw! Our stuff is spread around the radiators.

OP posts:
Philoslothy · 27/11/2015 19:08

It totally depends on the children and the job. I have six with two under two - still find it easier than working and they give me plenty of time to get things done. It also depends on the house, we have plenty of space, it is a new build and we have always had a routine so it is easy. A cramped old house with demanding children would be harder than working.

Elendon · 27/11/2015 19:19

When my children went to nursery, I didn't expect those looking after them to be washing the floor, cleaning the bathrooms and vacuuming. The nursery had cleaners to do that.

Elendon · 27/11/2015 19:21

And the nursery costs were astronomical!

Also, those working in the nursery were workers. I'm sure they went home exhausted from their jobs.

Philoslothy · 27/11/2015 19:25

But I am not an employee I am a parent in my own home. I already have far more leisure time than DH, I could not look him in the eye if I refused to do housework and then demanded that he pitched in after a day at home with plenty of free time.

merrymouse · 27/11/2015 19:28

If it was simple to do everything whilst being trailed by a toddler, there would be no need for childcare and all workplaces would be full of children.

Philoslothy · 27/11/2015 19:53

It's not quite the same merry. When doing the housework I can pause to entertain or involve the children. I can't see my year 11s waiting whilst I fix dd3 a snack or we play a game

ShortcutButton · 27/11/2015 19:57

Totally agree pphil

christmascracker2015 · 27/11/2015 20:00

Many nurseries don't have cleaners eledon

merrymouse · 27/11/2015 20:09

I wouldn't be able to pause to entertain a 22 month old while sorting out all the dangerous child unfriendly objects in the cupboard under the stairs or the attic. (Well I could, but I wouldn't actually achieve anything except moving a couple of boxes around). There are plenty of household jobs where you can involve a toddler, but some where you can't.

Sometimes just the fact that you have to stop every 5 minutes makes it impossible to achieve anything - and obviously some toddlers need more active supervision than others.

christmascracker2015 · 27/11/2015 20:11

I just do it as if you are alone with the children for majority of time you can't wait for someone else to help. I do minor DIY and sorting.

NickyEds · 27/11/2015 20:14

I could not look him in the eye if I refused to do housework and then demanded that he pitched in after a day at home with plenty of free time

fgs. Op has never demanded her dh "pitch in". Op has never "refused" to do housework, just said that things that can't be done during the day and are left to be done during their free time should be split.

Philoslothy- I desperately need to know your secret!!! How do you manage thing like ironing?

christmascracker2015 · 27/11/2015 20:18

I expect it is because she has 6 children nicky. I take mine everywhere I did an entire removal of things to a storage unit with all of them. If you have to do stuff and don't have help you always find a way.

ShortcutButton · 27/11/2015 20:19

I'm not sure how you think SPs get stuff done Confused

NickyEds · 27/11/2015 20:19

merry Ha! You could definitely put my ds into the "active supervision" category!

christmascracker2015 · 27/11/2015 20:22

It is often people with either 1 child or minimal previous experience who find it difficult to complete tasks with children. The more you have, the more you are around children and the more you spend long periods alone, then the higher liklihood you just find ways round it ime.

Philoslothy · 27/11/2015 20:24

Nickyeds I never accused the DP of demanding anything . I made it very clear that it depends on the situation and that I have it easier than many.

The older children do their own ironing. DH will do his own if I have not got round to it. The joy of having six children is that someone will watch the younger ones. As I said I have it easier than most

LetGoOrBeDragged · 27/11/2015 22:44

Single parents manage because they have to. But life is undeniably harder at times than if they had a partner.

But that's kind of the point. The OP does have a partner and he should willingly help out with jobs that are tricky to do when looking after dc.

Remember that OPs dh doesn't work esp long hours. There is no real reason why he shouldn't help out. And he seems to have accepted that and apologised for being an arse.

There is something fundamentally wrong with any person who believes that woh absolves them of any household responsibility.

ShebaShimmyShake · 27/11/2015 23:00

It's the mentality of believing that you "own" someone because you "pay" for them. There is a word for that...It's also incredibly disrespectful and dismissive because it implies that, by logical extension, you don't think the stay at home partner works. When the fact is, if you don't help out at all, they work 24/7 unpaid, no pension or benefits, no sick leave and so on.

During the 40 hours or whatever of the working week, one partner is working to earn money and the other is working to raise children and run a home. Outside of those hours, there should be a division of labour. After all, if you didn't have a stay at home partner, you'd be doing your own washing and cooking etc, so it's a bit stupid to claim it isn't possible.

Philoslothy · 27/11/2015 23:26

During the 40 hours or whatever of the working week, one partner is working to earn money and the other is working to raise children and run a home

I totally agree, my husband works in excess of 40 hours out of the home. I "work" nowhere near that in the home. That of course will vary from family to family.

murmuration · 28/11/2015 08:42

Glad things worked out for you, OP.

You may, though, want to revisit the cleaner idea. It struck me that you said you 'hated' cleaning. And yet you do the majority of it? And there are these 2x year deep cleans that need doing? Can't you maybe just hire a cleaner for a deep clean once or twice a year? They often have such a service for people moving out of rental properties and such.

And to answer your original quesiton, no I don't think SAHP means cleaner as well. My DH SAH with DD, and his cleaning is um, minimal. However, he is chronically ill, so physically can't do it, and I love cleaning. Even so, we've had cleaners at times, though I really missed the cleaning.

christmascracker2015 · 28/11/2015 08:44

What I do is plan out the month ahead on my phone. That includes everywhere I am going, all children's activities and school stuff. I then set tasks every week. Last week I sorted all bathroom, partially regrouted and fixed the dimmer switch. In the upcoming weeks I am going to put in a new bathroom fan and then start on the living room.

If you set tasks by writing them down, then you have a sense of achievement once you get to the end of the week. It does take longer with the kids as you have to often run in and out of different rooms. I prefer it to doing things on the weekend though, as to me weekends are for family outings.

Duckdeamon · 29/11/2015 09:11

the OP doesn't need to improve her domestic planning skills, she needs her partner to do a fair share of the work.